CHAPTER 4
When we finish our dinner, I'm completely full, I feel like I'm going to explode. But I couldn't help it, the lamb stew was exquisite, and I repeated at least twice. Plus the cupcakes, which weren't as bad as I thought they would be. Peeta is picking up the table and the dishes, I say I wanted to help but he insisted that he would do it, so I'm sitting on the couch outside the kitchen, watching him. We do not talk, he is washing the dishes and I'm just watching him. I really enjoyed our dinner... actually, I feel... happy. I haven't feel this happy in a long time. It's been a while since I felt really really happy. When I'm with Peeta I feel very good, he makes me laugh, and I've felt happy maybe a couple of times, or almost happy. But not this happy. It's strange, it's a nice feeling, I almost forgot what it felt like. I know that as suddenly as it came, it may go away. So I will enjoy it.
Peeta finally finishes with the dishes and comes to sit on the couch beside me. He put his arm around me and I lay my head on his shoulder. "Thanks Peeta, for the dinner. It couldn't be more delicious." I say looking up at him so I can meet his eyes.
"Welcome," he says. "I'm really glad you liked it.". We stare at each other, and again, when I stare into his eyes, it's like slow motion. But I look away first. I know that if I keep looking at those startling-blue eyes, I will get lost in them.
"Want to watch TV?" Peeta asks.
"Sure. Let's go.". I say.
Peeta turns the TV on, he goes through the channels and stops at the Capitol transmission. The program consists on some news of the Capitol and every so often, a message from the president. Just like right now, I can see President Paylor sitting behind her desk, Panem's flag just behind. She just announces that the war is completely over, and that things are starting to get better. She thanks us all but my eyelids are becoming more heavy with each blink. I yawn.
"Tired?", asks Peeta.
I was beginning to fall asleep but his voice snaps me back into reality. I yawn. "Yeah. Wanna go to sleep?" I say.
"Sure. I'm tired too." says Peeta. He turns the TV off. I get up from his lap and go upstairs, Peeta behind me. I change into my pajama in the bathroom. When I get up, Peeta is already laying on the bed. It's freezing cold but Peeta likes to sleep with the window open and I'm getting used to it. Some nights we also sleep with a little lamp lit. I turn off the lights except the little lamp beside my side of the bed and lay next to Peeta. He has his eyes closed but he's still awake. "Sorry for not coming home yesterday.". he mutters. "It's okay, I didn't have any nightmares." I say. "I slept the whole night on the couch". He snorts, "Now I feel worse", he says and smiles a little. "Don't be. You are here now.". I say looking at him, though his eyes are closed and he's not looking at me.
He's quiet now, asleep. "Good night", I whisper.
CHAPTER 5
It's almost midnight now and I was very tired but now, my mind won't shut up. It's full of thoughts, and each one of them, has to do with Peeta. I'm staring at him, the dim light of the lamp makes he's face look almost angelic. His expression is very relaxed, he's not having any nightmares. Good. I try to sleep or to look away but I find myself going back to him. I can't help looking at him. I stare at his long-blonde eyelashes, it's impressive how they doesn't tangle with each other when he blinks. I think of today. How I was so afraid because I couldn't find him, he wasn't even missing. He was just at the bakery and though I was sobbing when I found him. But why was I so afraid?
I move closer to him and I'm aching to touch him. Before I can stop myself my fingers begin exploring his face. What's happening with me? As I'm brushing his eyelids with my fingers and then his cheekbones, a tought emerges; and not from my mind, but from my heart. I care for him. I was so happy to find him, and to spend the evening with him. I realize that Peeta has become my source of happiness. No one had make me feel so happy. No one but my sister Prim. I thought no one could make me happy anymore and though he can. If I loose Peeta I could not be happy ever again. I can't loose him. My fingers finally finish their journey at Peeta's lips. I brush them with just my fingertips, very slowly, like if they were something precious and delicate. I stay there for a little while and then my fingers are not touching his mouth anymore, my lips are. I close my eyes as I touch my lips to his. It's just a slight touch and then I pull away. My face is just inches away from his and I brush his blonde hair with my hand.
"I love you", he whispers.
I stare at him, part of my belives he is dreaming but that does not stop me. "I love you too.". And then its quiet.
I love him... I love Peeta. I move away from Peeta without realising his hand from mine and stare into the cealing. I bite my lip, how couldn't I see it before? I guess part of me has always been aware of that, but I was too fool to see it. I feel butterflies in my stomach, and my heart is racing. I feel like I've never felt before, not since the beach in the Quarter Quell. But this is different. This is real. This could be real.
But maybe I'm getting too excited and I'm exaggerating? What if Peeta was just dreaming and doesn't remember anything in the morining? Maybe I'm dreaming too. I convince myself that this is a dream though I don't accomplish it completely. The smile washes away from my face but I keep bitting my lip, maybe too harshly because I think I caught a taste of blood. Maybe it's better like this, if he doesn't remember tomorrow. I could ruin things and they could get more confusing. I don't know what's exactly what I have with Peeta and whatever we have, I don't want to loose it. I try to push away the thoughts that float around my head, sleep is finally coming to me, so I release Peeta's hand and drift into sleep.
CHAPTER 6
That night, even though I had Peeta beside me, I had a nightamare. I'm back in District 13, I'm walking through the corridors. I walked so many times by this corridors that I couldn't forget them, I know exactly where I'm going: to the hospital. I open the door and stand on the doorway. Like if he sensed me metres away, Peeta is inches away from me, staring at me, I try but I don't see the blue of his eyes, instead I just found two hollow black eyes staring into my soul. "You." he mutters. "Mutt" he mutters louder this time. "No Peeta, it's me," I say. "Katniss".
But he just keeps staring at me. "Mutt!" he screams. "Mutt! You are a mutt!".
"No-", before I can finish, my vision clouds and I realize that Peeta's hands are around my throat. I can't breath, I'm choking. And then, everything goes black.
Now I'm at my room in District 13 as well. I catch a glimpse of yellow entering through the doorway. Prim. I can feel the tears coming. She's smiling but when she sees me, her smile fades. "You," she says. "Did you think that someone could really love you? That Peeta could really love you? You're wrong" she hisses and I stare in horror. I can't hold it and close my eyes and cover my ears. I crawl myself back and forth, finally, I gain enough courage to face whatever this nightmare has for me. When I open them, Peeta is sitting by the bed, I only see his back, but he isn't wearing cuffs anymore or the hospital's robe. But when he turns around, I see that his pupils are still completely black, they're inhumane. "Did you really think I could love you, Katniss?" he says. "I could never love you, I never did. I was clouded by your lies and your acting. You're nothing but a mutt". The rest of the nightmare I keep hearing the word mutt, said by all my loved ones, Peeta, Prim, Haymitch, my mom, even Gale.
I wake up, not screaming but I can almost breath and I'm sweating. Peeta is still asleep. I try to catch my breath. I can't be here anymore, I can't be near him. I get up from the bed very quietly in order not to wake Peeta and step out of the room. I don't even brush or braid my hair, I just grab my bood and my jacket and get out of the house. I need to be alone but I dread it, I feel like I'm still on a nightmare. I walk to the fence, it's useless now but it's still there anyway. I'm on the woods now, I grab my bow and arrows from behind a tree. I spot a squirrel, and aim for it. My breathing is finally calming. I hold the bow. In moments like this, my bow is just not a weapon, but a barrier between myself, and my feelings. I'm too distracted... by everything. I let the arrow fly but I miss. I try to take another arrow but instead, I drop to the ground crying. How could I be so stupid? They're right, I'm a mutt. I'm selfish, full of hatred... a mutt. No one could ever love me.
I feel on a nightmare right now, but I know this is reality. Well, reality is a nightmare.
The minutes pass, then the hours and I'm still lying on the ground helplessly, sobbing, hating myself.
