Now it's time for Part 2 of our Christmas special!
SCENE 8
The Jennings Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
(KG comes in, humming "No Strings Attached" by *NSYNC.)
KG: Wow, Christmas is two days away. (takes out tape recorder) Note to self: Buy more cinnamon for my world-famous holiday cookies. Roger that, Mr. Jennings. (puts tape recorder back inside robe pocket)
(KG notices a strange note taped to the refrigerator.)
KG: What the (bleep)?
(The note is from RK, who was doing his Mysterion shtick while writing it. That would explain why the paper has green and purple question marks on the spots with no words.)
(voiceover, speaking as Mysterion) RK: Good morning, KG. I'm assuming you're reading the note. Anyway, I took Buster with me to Calgary to find his father. He knows everything about his dad, but decided to shun him and expect his dad to come himself. Clearly something's keeping Buster's father from coming here, so we're coming to him instead. I need to do this, KG. Angels help other people. And I can't stand to see Buster, the love of my life, in pain. Also, did you know Wade's celebrating Kwanzaa? It's weird I know. Some kind of commercialist menstrual thing or whatever.
KG: Oh my god. That damn bastard!
(Sparky rings the doorbell. The ringtone is "Good King Wenceslas," a popular Christmas carol.)
(KG opens the door and Sparky comes in)
SPARKY: Have you seen this? HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?!
KG: Yes, I have "seen this." RK took Buster to Canada?!
SPARKY: Exactly. EXACTLY! What will his parents think? When are they coming?
KG: In three hours.
(KG and Sparky simply stare at each other, then realize what was just said)
KG AND SPARKY: THREE HOURS?!
(Wade comes through the open door, which shouldn't have been kept open to begin with, wearing a kente.)
WADE: RK and Buster went to Canada!
KG AND SPARKY: We know.
SPARKY: Wade, what in God's name are you wearing?
WADE: A kente, the traditional cloth of the Akan people. They wear it during important events and hold it in high regard.
KG: Speaking of which, why are you celebrating Kwanzaa anyway? It seems like you're just trying to create a new storyline.
CAMERAMAN: We're filming.
KG: I'm not RK!
CAMERAMAN: Gotcha.
WADE: I'm not trying to create anything. I'm celebrating Kwanzaa because it represents the self-determination, creativity, faith, and unity of African-Americans everywhere, amongst other things. We look at Christmas and believe in something that isn't real just to appease our children. Besides, I'm tired of being commercialized by this capitalistic nation's mindless consumerism.
KG: Do you carry a pocket dictionary with you at all times, or is it just hereditary to act like such an asshole?
(close-up and monotone) WADE: Hereditary.
SPARKY: Wade, this doesn't make any sense. Once you look past all the gift-giving and holiday specials and seasonal songs and consumerism, you should really like Christmas. It has such a rich history.
WADE: What rich history?
SPARKY: It's Jesus' birthday for one. Duh!
WADE: No one knows for sure when Jesus was born, Sparky. Christmas is just correlated to the birth of Christ because it marked the start of the winter solstice, and the trend was most likely started by the Babylonians.
(under his breath) KG: God knows.
(monotone) WADE: KG, God isn't a person. He's a mystical being of omnipotence.
KG: Once again, is that REALLY hereditary?
(monotone) WADE: Just be glad you're not a Saltalamacchia, KG. You wouldn't last very long.
(KG is now offended)
SPARKY: Wade, this just doesn't add up. Christians believe in something that may or may not be real, but you don't chastise them.
WADE: Jesus was a prophet, Sparko. (the word "prophet" appears on the screen Martha Speaks-style) A prophet is someone who actually lived on Earth and spread teachings about their religion. So why would I chastise something that's real?
KG: He's got a point.
SPARKY: Can we just move on to the next scene, please? I'm defeated now.
KG: You too?
WADE: But, of course.
SCENE 9
Marriott Hotel
Exterior Entrance
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
(It is now 10: 15 AM. Buster and RK are finally in Calgary and ready to find Col. Newman.)
RK: Buster? Buster? Wake up, Buster. We're here!
BUSTER: We're here? In Calgary?
RK: Yes we are.
(imitating Daniel Bryan) BUSTER: YES! YES! YESSS!
RK: He doesn't say that anymore.
BUSTER: Who cares? I still say it.
(Buster and RK walk into the hotel. "Mistletoe" by Justin Bieber is playing in the lobby.)
BUSTER: OK, so how do we attack this?
RK: Well, I was thinking we ask the nice slice of apple pie working the front desk. Man, she's something.
(Buster sees the woman. She's blonde and looks 20-something.)
BUSTER: Damn, let's ask her right now. Being bisexual is awesome, isn't it RK?
RK: You know it. I please everybody.
BUSTER: You sound like a whore.
RK: I know.
(RK and Buster walk up to the front desk)
LADY: Hello, welcome to the Marriott. My name is Christine. May I help you today?
CHRIS ROCK: RK thought of saying this…
RK: Of course you can help us, you dumb broad! That's the whole reason we're here! Do you think we drove all the way from Seattle just to say hello? Of course you do. Now stuff those hot knockers into this (bleep) martini glass for my amusement, skank!
(Christine, Buster, and the people in the lobby are horrified)
CHRIS ROCK: But instead, he played it cool and said this….
(smirking) RK: In more ways than one.
(after staring at RK) BUSTER: We're here to find out the room for Col. Rusty Newman. We heard he's staying here.
CHRISTINE: All day. And tomorrow as well. Then he leaves on Christmas for a matinee in Winnipeg.
(excited) BUSTER: So do you know?
CHRISTINE: Yes I do. Room 14G.
BUSTER: You hear that, RK? (the two high-five)
CHRISTINE: Unfortunately, he's out to lunch. He'll be back within the next half-hour.
BUSTER: Great. Can we wait here?
CHRISTINE: Certainly.
(the two go to sit down)
CHRISTINE: Excuse me, but are you two terrorists? Or paid assassins?
RK: Lady, we're nine years old.
CHRISTINE: Right. Sorry.
(the two give Christine a bored look, and go to sit down)
RK: The dumb blonde stereotype has never been furthered more.
BUSTER: Amen to that.
SCENE 10
The Neighborhood
Exterior Sidewalk
Seattle, Washington
(Travis is sitting on his porch, talking to his girlfriend Carla.)
TRAVIS: Hey, what's up, Carla? My little Value Meal with fries on wings? Anyway, I'd just like to know when I should come over on Tuesday. What do you mean your parents hate me? But I'm funny. Remember that "meet the boyfriend" dinner? Yeah, I won them over with my impressions, especially my Mr. Magoo. (imitating Mr. Magoo) Oh, Waldo! Oh. So they were just pitying me? Well, that sucks. What do you mean my Mr. Spacely wasn't angry enough? It WAS angry. (imitating Mr. Spacely) Jetson, GET IN HERE! OK, I see how it is. You still owe me a mistletoe kiss. And a New Year's kiss. OK, bye. Love you, Carla. (imitating Bullwinkle) And Bullwinkle loves you too! Girl, you're so sweet to me. (hangs up) (Bleep) bitch. My Mr. Spacely was angry enough.
MANNY: Maybe Santa is real. They just don't want me to know.
TRAVIS: Hey, spick. What's up your ass?
MANNY: I'm Puerto Rican, chica! And save your racist jokes for the Dominicans! Anyway, I just found out Santa Claus doesn't exist.
TRAVIS: Who told you that?
MANNY: Will. At the mall yesterday.
(Travis gets a lightbulb idea, but the lightbulb cracks)
TRAVIS: Manuel, let me tell you a secret. Will was just kidding you. Santa IS real. It was just some stupid Christmas joke.
MANNY: Really? Santa exists?
TRAVIS: Of course he does. But Will just wanted you not to know the awful truth.
MANNY: What truth?
TRAVIS: That Santa isn't who you think he is. (jumps off porch and starts walking around) You see, there's no way Santa could travel around the world in one night delivering presents, candy and coal, right?
MANNY: 'Course he can. With his flying magic reindeer.
TRAVIS: WRONG! Santa takes drugs, man. Pure cold hard steroids. His reindeer do as well. Nobody is ever able or even allowed to see him in their home. That's why he hasn't been arrested yet.
MANNY: That makes sense.
TRAVIS: In reality, Santa is a bloodthirsty killer with an insatiable thirst for mutilation. That's why he decimates the milk and cookies.
MANNY: Of course! Not even my dad could do that, and he nearly beat Joey Chestnut in Coney Island this summer!
TRAVIS: Bingo. Also, if kids ever see him, he kills you where you stand. With guns, knives, BB belts. Whatever he's equipped with. That's why kids are NEVER allowed to see him.
(frightened) MANNY: What about the corpse?
TRAVIS: He removes the organs with the help of his elves at the North Pole, replaces them with Build-A-Bear stuffing and pixie dust, and turns YOU into an elf. The combination of stuffing and pixie dust as new organs gives you dwarfism. Why do you think all the elves look the same?
MANNY: Magic and love?
TRAVIS: Nope. Santa. Claus.
MANNY: How do you know all that?
TRAVIS: I found out…..on 3-2-1 Contact.
MANNY: OH MY GOD! Travis, thank you SO much for the tip. I'VE GOT TO SAVE MY FAMILY FROM SANTA!
(Manny runs away)
TRAVIS: Any time, Manny. (chuckles) What a (bleep) asshole.
SCENE 11
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky's parents are on their way. Sparky has his ugliest Christmas sweater on. He appears to be talking to somebody.
SPARKY: Look, now I know this is the first time my parents are going to meet you guys. And I know that during the holidays, tempers can flare. But my mom and dad are loving people, and I think you're going to love them just as much. So put on your best smile and get ready for your OFFICIAL initiation into the clan….of MacDougals!
(long pause)
BITCH CLOCK: Why should we give two shits about meeting your ugly parents?
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, this is important. Your attitude today could affect the rest of my mom and dad's stay here.
BITCH CLOCK: Why are they just getting to know me anyway?
SPARKY: Because for years, they've known you as a nice little angel and nothing more. Today, they find out who you really are: A bitch.
BITCH CLOCK: I can just pretend to be nice.
SPARKY: No way, Bitch Clock. My parents can spot a phony a mile away. Like Holden Caulfield.
We cut away to Holden at a restaurant. His buddy Kato is coming back from the bathroom.
HOLDEN: You ate my fry.
KATO: What are you talking about?
HOLDEN: When I was in the bathroom, there was one French fry on my plate. When I came back, there were none.
KATO: That doesn't prove anything.
HOLDEN: You have French fry stuck between your teeth.
KATO: I do? Where? (checks for leftover French fry with finger)
HOLDEN: Actually, I was just making that up.
KATO: Damn. I'm no match for you, Holden.
HOLDEN: That's right, Kato. Because I'm the realest mother (bleep) er you'll ever meet.
Back to reality.
(doorbell rings)
SPARKY: I wonder who that could be….
BITCH CLOCK: Kill me now.
(Santa's Little Helper meows and gets his claws ready)
BITCH CLOCK: Not literally. You scare me.
(Sparky opens door)
SPARKY: Mama! Papa!
MRS. MACDOUGAL: Son!
MR. MACDOUGAL: Sparkmeister!
(the three hug all around)
MRS. MACDOUGAL: It looks like you've done a wonderful job decorating, Sparky.
SPARKY: Well, thanks, Mom. I go to work.
THE REJ3CTZ: I do my Cat Daddy!
MR. MACDOUGAL: Hey, who's this little fella? (referring to Santa's Little Helper)
SPARKY: Oh, that's my cat, Santa's Little Helper. We call him SLH for short.
MRS. MACDOUGAL: Hello, Parker Lewis. Nice to see you again.
BITCH CLOCK: It's Bitch Clock now, bitch.
(The MacDougals are genuinely startled)
SPARKY: Yeah, he's…..done some heroin.
MR. MACDOUGAL: A little too much.
SCENE 12
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK and KG's parents have arrived. And yes, they've found out RK went north of the border with Buster.
MRS. JENNINGS: Ryan's in Canada! How did this happen?
KG: I have no idea. I was asleep!
MR. JENNINGS: I can't believe this. Did he take that Mysterion costume with him?
MRS. JENNINGS: Gerald!
MR. JENNINGS: It makes him look like a fag!
KG: Dad, do you know who Wanda Sykes is?
MR. JENNINGS: Yeah. I love Back At The Barnyard.
KG: Do you know about those anti-homophobe PSAs she did?
MR. JENNINGS: No.
KG: You should watch one on YouTube.
MR. JENNINGS: OK then.
MRS. JENNINGS: Kevin, have you even tried calling Ryan?
KG: Yes, like nine times!
MRS. JENNINGS: Call him again, please. (KG dials RK's number)
MR. JENNINGS: Nice Christmas tree.
KG: Thanks. It's a Guatemalan fur.
MR. JENNINGS: Sweet.
We cut to RK and Buster in Calgary. They're talking up a storm as "Christmas Is Starting Now" by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy plays in the lobby.
BUSTER: I don't get it. Why do victims of bullying commit suicide?
RK: They have no choice, Buster. They're picked on relentlessly by all these kids, and they have no choice.
BUSTER: Name five people who've committed suicide because of bullying. I want to know if there's a correlation.
RK: Ryan Hanigan, Megan Meier, Tyler Clementi, Phoebe Prince, and most recently, Amanda Todd. They call it bullycide.
BUSTER: Hey, I get beaten by some kids, and it hurts now. But I'm not gonna sit there and kill myself by jumping off the Space Needle.
RK: I think there's more to it than that, Buster.
(pause)
BUSTER: Not really.
(RK has a bored expression, but it instantly changes when he hears his phone ring. RK's ringtone is "Cult Of Personality" by Living Colour.)
RK: Yello.
Half the screen is devoted to KG, the other half devoted to RK.
KG: RK, why the (bleep) would you go to Calgary?!
RK: I'm trying to help Buster reconcile with his estranged patriarch.
KG: Are you carrying a pocket dictionary?
RK: Yes.
KG: RK, why couldn't you just tell me? I would've understood you helping Buster.
RK: You never listen to anything. Remember the time you bought Toaster Strudel?
We cut away to a gag where KG is eating Toaster Strudel. He seems disappointed by it.
KG: Hmmmm. This breakfast is quite underwhelming.
(carrying a cup of coffee and a copy of The Seattle Times) RK: I told you to buy Pop-Tarts, but YOU wanted to try new things. (walks away)
(long pause)
(puts up finger to camera) KG: (Bleep) Pillsbury.
Back to reality.
KG: OK, you're right about that. But come on man, do better than leave a Mysterion note.
RK: I WANT TO BE A SUPERHERO WHEN I GROW UP!
KG: That's not a real job.
RK: You're not a real job.
KG: Look, are you going to be back in town for Christmas?
BUSTER: We'll be there with jingle bells on!
KG: That's nice to hear, Buster. Good luck with your dad.
BUSTER: Thanks. RK's gonna help me.
RK: You bet that fine ass I am. Bye, KG.
KG: Bye, RK. (hangs up)
MRS. JENNINGS: What do we do now until my baby comes back?
KG: Let's go to Sparky's house. That's always where the action is.
MR. JENNINGS: This year, I take Ed down in the arm-wrestling contest.
MRS. JENNINGS: He's got pythons and you've got gummy worms.
MR. JENNINGS: I've been working out!
Back to Calgary.
BUSTER: Dude, it's been more than an hour and my dad still isn't here.
RK: Maybe he came back and we didn't know. We WERE asleep for a bit. Let's check his room.
(RK and Buster head for the elevator as Christine notices)
CHRISTINE: Where are you two going?
(Buster doesn't care and simply presses the "UP" button as the elevator opens)
RK: Um…back from Hell.
(the two get inside while "Back From Hell" by Run-DMC plays for about 10 seconds and fades out in a cool way)
The two are now on Col. Newman's floor.
RK: Awesome! We're here!
BUSTER: Look. 14G's over there.
(Buster can't jimmy the door open)
BUSTER: Damn, it's locked. Now I'll never see my dad.
RK: Step aside. Let Dr. Locksmith handle this patient.
(RK takes out a duck bone and unlocks the door with the bone)
BUSTER: How the (bleep) did you do that?
RK: I have a knack for picking locks. Remember that iCarly episode where Sam used a duck bone to unlock that door?
BUSTER: Yeah.
RK: Well, I tried it myself two weeks later and it worked. I could unlock a door with a paper clip!
(RK and Buster skulk around)
BUSTER: Where could he be? This is Room 14G.
RK: Col. Newman is very fascinating. Albums of various boy bands, including the infamous New Kids on the Block debut album (holds up album to the camera), pictures of various tattoo artists, and the two-disc Blu-Ray set of Aerosmith: From Success To Descent, Then Mega-Success, And Then Semi-Descent.
BUSTER: We're through. Maybe fate just doesn't want me to meet my dad.
COL. NEWMAN: Who said fate isn't just a heartless bitch?
(Buster turns around and sees Col. Newman smiling)
BUSTER: DADDY!
COL. NEWMAN: SON! I've been waiting years to hold you in my arms again!
(Buster and Col. Newman embrace each other)
RK: Wow, that's sweet. Let's see what Sparky and the rest of our cartoon pals are doing!
SCENE 13
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Everybody's at Sparky's house, including Mrs. Newman. "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" by The School Gyrls is playing on the radio.)
SPARKY: OK, everyone. I know Christmas is two days away, but there's no time too early to begin celebrating. And I realize we don't have everybody here….
(the camera pans on the Jennings and Mrs. Newman)
SPARKY: But as long as RK and Buster are here in Seattle on Christmas Eve, things will be alright. So sit back, relax, mingle, watch some holiday specials on the DVR or whatever's on, and have fun! Also, KG brought his world-famous Christmas cookies for everyone, with EXTRA cinnamon.
(the parents all scramble for the cookies, except the MacDougals and Wade)
MR. MACDOUGAL: Hey, what's this? (picks up Sparky's copy of Lord of the Flies)
SPARKY: That, dearest father is Lord of the Flies. Released in 1954 by William Golding. It WAS my ELA assignment. You know, at first I hated this book, but now I understand exactly what Golding was thinking. Two kids actually die!
MRS. MACDOUGAL: You know, I remember reading that book when I was your age, Sparky. It's amazing how kids have lost the will to read.
MR. MACDOUGAL: Well, the age we live in has changed kids. What with all their iPhones and Squinkies and Furbys and One Direction, reading's become a non-factor.
SPARKY: People still play with Furbys? Oh yeah, they're making a comeback.
MR. MACDOUGAL: At least Wade's fighting the power by celebrating Kwanzaa.
(Wade doesn't seem happy, just trying to prove a point)
MR. SALTALAMACCHIA: I just don't get it, Wade. You used to love Christmas. I remember when I got you your first dictionary four years ago.
WADE: Times have changed, Dad. I'd much rather spend my time celebrating what's right than conform to what the dominant society thinks is right.
MRS. SALTALAMACCHIA: What about YOU, Wade? Do you really think protesting Christmas is what you want to do? I mean, you spent so much money on those Kwanzaa decorations. And corn. And fruit.
WADE: Of course I do, Mom. Kwanzaa gives me a chance to define MYSELF. Not waste my time spending without thought. (yells in Sparky's direction) And at least my holiday's a whole week instead of just one day!
(Sparky and his parents are startled)
(thinking to himself) SPARKY: I need to fix Wade. I know he doesn't really want to celebrate Kwanzaa; he's just doing this to get a rise out of me. (groans) If only RK were here…
SCENE 14
Marriott Hotel
Interior Col. Newman's Room
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
RK: Col. Newman? So you didn't fight in 'Nam?
BUSTER: Dad. It's so great to see you. What happened? Where have you been all this time? How come you never give me alimony like Mom does?
COL. NEWMAN: Settle down, Buster. Take a seat. (Buster takes a seat on the bed next to RK)
(Col. Newman opens mini-fridge)
COL. NEWMAN: You guys drink beer? Vodka? Whiskey?
(the two just blankly stare)
COL. NEWMAN: That's cool. You're too young anyway. After my first sip of Budweiser on my 18th birthday, I've been crazy for alcohol. But I do it responsibly. These new dessert-flavored vodkas by Smirnoff Ice have done wonders for me.
RK: Isn't that just a gimmick to heighten the correlation between food and sex?
BUSTER: RK, stop listening to Wade.
COL. NEWMAN: That might be true, but I just jack off personally if I really have sexual pleasures. (drinks some Smirnoff Iced Cake Vodka) Now let me tell you my story, boys. It all started in 2002….
We flash back to 2002.
COL. NEWMAN: After 9/11, the U.S., naturally, went to war with Iraq.
RK: We know that already.
BUSTER: Shhhhh!
COL. NEWMAN: I was part of the Army. They were a tough, resilient bunch. I became Colonel Newman through almost 10 years of hard work and loyalty to my country. I could've ended up a general, or maybe a marshal, but that wasn't the most important thing in the world to me. Sounds crazy, I know. When we heard about Iraq, we were deployed there of course. But one night I had dinner with your mom Laura, and she said…
LAURA: I'm pregnant.
COL. NEWMAN: Not only was I peeved off because I didn't get to watch SNICK that night to go to dinner, your mom made me rethink my whole decision about the Iraq War. So I went to Marshal McCormick, and I told him…..
COL. NEWMAN: I can't do it. I can't go to Iraq. I have a family to raise. (in reality) I knew Marshal McCormick for years, ever since he was a mercenary who didn't respect anybody and was just there for the ride. Of course he rose up the ranks faster than I did, but I never resented him for it. McCormick had a big heart and actually allowed me to leave. After going through some legal stuff with the Bush Administration, I returned to Seattle with Laura. Together, we raised you, Buster.
(Col. Newman and Laura are in the hospital, having gone through Buster's birth)
BUSTER: I don't understand, Dad. It seems like you guys loved each other. What caused the divorce and your disappearance?
COL. NEWMAN: Well…Eventually, things became rocky. I wanted to go to Iraq after I took care of you for a couple months, but Laura convinced me to stay. The love we had was disappearing, and eventually I had no use for the war. Laura was too pushy and I was too unsupportive. She believed I didn't care about the family anymore.
BUSTER: So then what happened?
COL. NEWMAN: She filed a report…..for domestic abuse.
(dark music plays)
RK: Hey, I'm just throwing this out there. Could I say a couple abuse jokes?
BUSTER: RK, please don't…..
COL. NEWMAN: No, Buster, it's alright. I want to see exactly what he thinks is so funny.
RK: More appropriate than funny.
BUSTER: Well, please don't go too far.
RK: Don't worry, I won't. (clears throat) You abused your wife, Col. Newman? Who do you think you are? Jozsef Barsi or Jack Gordon? (bursts into laughter)
COL. NEWMAN: You're sick. I don't want to hear any more.
RK: No, you'll die for this next one. I mean, look Col. Newman, we all have our problems. It's OK if you take your wife to Italy and bash her head against the table repeatedly. Fine by me. (falls on the floor laughing)
BUSTER: RK, you just…you crossed the line there.
COL. NEWMAN: Look, just be quiet. OK? Be quiet and don't say anything else.
RK: OK, this next one is dynamite. DYNAMITE! So, Col. Newman, when you hear the phrase "Yep! Yep! Yep!" what does it make you do? Put gasoline on something and SET IT AFLAME? (on the verge of tears)
BUSTER: RK, I'm leaving. Dude, my ass is out right now. You just offended 10% of people watching tonight.
RK: Oh, they won't even know what I'm referring to. Look, Col. Newman, I want to apologize for my remarks earlier. When we get home, I have a cat named Mr. Tuxedo Pants that you can play with. And Buster has a cat named LPC. Just don't beat us around them; we might PLUCK OUT THEIR WHISKERS! (crying happily)
BUSTER: Alright, that's enough.
(Buster punches RK in his face, but he gets up as soon as he gets hit)
RK: Look, guys, I'm sorry. Whenever abuse is discussed, I…..I lose sight of my morals. But I'm fine, I'm fine, man. It's kewl now. It's kewl.
COL. NEWMAN: I wonder who exactly got those jokes anyway.
RK: Who knows? They were pretty dense.
BUSTER: So did you ever abuse Mom?
COL. NEWMAN: Never. She filed it as an easy way to escape the marriage. Eventually, they found no evidence that I did anything and I was acquitted. I divorced your mom a few weeks later and moved to Canada where I became a part-time comedian. I never forgot about you, Buster. But Laura never wanted me to come. Sometimes I tried, but she wouldn't let me. We've even had arguments over the phone sometimes.
BUSTER: Why did Mom never tell me?
COL. NEWMAN: She didn't want you to deal with it.
BUSTER: Well, now I know the truth. Mom tried as hard as possible to keep my own father away from me.
COL. NEWMAN: Look, Buster, the last thing I want is for you to hate your mother.
BUSTER: No, I don't. Not at all. But I'm not going back home. I want to stay here. In Calgary.
(RK seems a little confused)
BUSTER: I'll be up on the balcony. (Buster goes to the balcony, sulking. RK and Col. Newman exchange worried looks)
SCENE 15
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
MRS. JENNINGS: Laura, you've been awfully quiet. Is there a problem?
MRS. NEWMAN: Of course not. My son going to another country to find his dad and secrets he may not want to know is OK. It's not. I don't want Buster to regret this.
MR. JENNINGS: I bet he won't, Laura. That's what life is about. You see, a life without a father is like a donut.
MRS. JENNINGS: I think you should just stop, Gerald.
MRS. MACDOUGAL: So Melissa tells me you're a guitarist, KG.
KG: Yes I am. I've been playing for over two years.
MR. MACDOUGAL: You've got anything we can hear?
KG: Sure. (puts on guitar)
(KG plays guitar and sings "Who I Am" by Nick Jonas and the Administration)
KG: FOR WHO I AM!
(the adults and Sparky clap; Sparky goes over to Wade)
SPARKY: Well, I did not know that at all.
WADE: What didn't you know?
SPARKY: I just checked on my iPhone. Apparently, the original date for Christmas in Eastern Christianity was January 6.
WADE: Cool. I already know.
SPARKY: Well, bet you don't know this one. According to my iPhone, countries such as Russia, Serbia, and Ethiopia celebrate Christmas on January 7 because that's the beginning of the Gregorian calendar.
WADE: Wow. SO interesting.
(Sparky is becoming increasingly annoyed)
SPARKY: Mom, Dad, can I go out with Wade?
WADE: What?
MR. MACDOUGAL: Sure, Sparky.
(Sparky grabs Wade and takes him outside)
WADE: Where are you taking me?
SPARKY: To show you the true meaning of Christmas. Now come on!
SCENE 16
Marriott Hotel
Exterior Balcony
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
(After some initial disagreement, RK decides to talk to Buster. He goes to the balcony.)
RK: Hey? What's up? That was very interesting the way you handled that.
BUSTER: Yeah, what of it?
RK: Look, Buster, do you really think staying here is the best option? I mean, you….
(crying) BUSTER: Of course I think it's the best option! For years, I didn't have a dad. I saw you guys at Christmas every year with both your parents, and I wondered what life would be like if it wasn't just me and Mom. Well, now, I HAVE A DAD! And I find out my own mother tried to drive him away because of ego. I'm not letting anybody else take away my father. Not anymore.
RK: Buster, do you remember that speech you gave Sparky on Native American Day?
BUSTER: Yeah, how could I not?
RK: What it was about I haven't a clue. Maybe you could tell me.
BUSTER: Gladly. I told Sparko that you can't let the little things ruin holidays for you, and that they give us joy, peace, love and compassion. And they get people off their soapboxes and care about those…..
(RK has a smirk)
BUSTER: That don't have anything. RK, I just realized something. I'm an absolute hypocrite. For years, I've moped around hating Christmas because I didn't have a dad. And now that I do, it's still out of reach to have any peace. Some people don't even have any parents or siblings to celebrate the holidays with. Some don't even have a house. I mean, so what if my mom did cheat me? Big deal. It was in my best interests anyway.
RK: Your dad wants to spend the day with you and me, get to know us better. Then the three of us can leave for Seattle tomorrow.
BUSTER: He wants to come home?
RK: Yeah, Buster. He does.
BUSTER: You know what, RK? Let's rock this joint.
RK: THAT'S MY CUTIE PIE!
(Buster goes up to his dad)
BUSTER: Dad? Look, I don't give two shits about what went down with you and Mom. That's old news. I only care about the present. And the present involves you and Mom coming home every Christmas.
COL. NEWMAN: I'd love that, Buster. And hey? The entire city of Calgary is at our fingertips.
BUSTER: Let's enjoy this crazy Canadian city.
RK: Yeah. FREE PUSSY RIOT!
(Buster and Col. Newman stare at RK)
RK: Yes, I'm a fan of the movement.
("8 Days of Christmas" by Destiny's Child playing in the background)
Buster, RK, and Col. Newman are enjoying their time in Calgary. They went to get new clothes, visited the Calgary Zoo, and toured the Canada Olympic Park. The three even visited the Canada's Sports Hall of Fame. The music suddenly stops as the three stand outside the Scotiabank Saddledome. They were hoping to see a Calgary Flames game, but can't because of the NHL lockout. They look bored, but Col. Newman looks disgusted even. The music returns as the three go to the Calgary Stampede. The montage ends as Buster, RK, and Col. Newman return to the Marriott at night, with the Aurora Borealis looking down on them.
SCENE 17
The Santos Household
Interior Bathroom
Seattle, Washington
Christmas is less than two days away. Manny is figuring out a plan on how to stop Santa's reign of terror when he arrives to his house.
MANNY: I've got to save my family. Santa isn't welcome anymore. Him and his steroid-taking reindeer. The factory from Hell. And his sinister, bloodthirsty intentions. Nobody's hurting the Santos family on Christmas Eve.
("Christmas Is Creepy" by FRED playing in the background)
(Manny is doing whatever it takes to keep Santa and his crew away from his home. Even though it's close to Christmas Eve, Manny is starting early. He filled the whole chimney with cement. He put a sign near the chimney with blinking lights and tinsel all over it. In red and green paint, Manny wrote: "SANTA CLAUS IS NOT WELCOME!" Manny took a bunch of five-spice powder from his spice cabinet and dumped it all over the cookies and in the milk. According to Bill Nye the Science Guy, Santa is allergic to five-spice powder, chocolate milk, unless he's black in which case it's vice versa, and people without the Christmas spirit. He then wrote on a yellow Post-It using a Sharpie that said: "WARNING: DO NOT EAT OR DRINK! FOR SANTA ONLY!" There was a skull and crossbones symbol on the Post-It. Manny also set up a whole bunch of infrared booby traps on the roof, which is custom-made for Santa. In which case Kris Kringle decides to use the front door, a rope trap will have him hanging upside down and taken to the Seattle Police Department. Manny used a rope which he hung onto and pulled on it, releasing the Christmas scarecrow onto the roof. In this case, the Scare-Grinch. Manny admires his handiwork and goes inside.
MANNY: Great, now Santa can't get inside the house in any way. Christmas is saved!
MRS. SANTOS: Manuel, what's with all these booby traps and spices and rope?
MANNY: I'm saving the family from the vicious, bloodthirsty killer known as Santa Claus.
(long pause)
MRS. SANTOS: OK.
SCENE 18
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Everyone has left. Sparky's mom is reading A Storm of Swords. Sparky's dad is watching the episode of Sesame Street where Kevin Clash is giving a young boy anal sex. Sparky and Wade walk through the door. Wade's removed his kente and is dressed in his regular clothes.
SPARKY: Hello, parents.
MRS. MACDOUGAL: Where did you guys go?
SPARKY: Tell them, Wade.
WADE: We went to a homeless shelter.
SPARKY: And?
WADE: Seeing all those people…..who had nothing…made me realize what Christmas is all about. You see, Christmas isn't just about presents and cheap songs and merchandise and commercialism. It's about giving back. It's about thinking about the people who don't have what you have and helping them. We're celebrating the mystical being that knew this before anyone else did: Jesus Christ. And I realized that I was only celebrating Kwanzaa to prove a point.
MR. MACDOUGAL: That's a great lesson to learn, Wade. Looks like Sparky taught you something today.
WADE: He did, didn't he? (Wade smiles at Sparky)
SPARKY: Hey? Glad I could help.
WADE: And now I just can't wait for RK and Buster to return with Mr. Newman.
SPARKY: You think they found him?
WADE: I know they did.
SCENE 19
The Marriott
Interior Col. Newman's Room
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
(It is Christmas Eve. RK, Buster, and Col. Newman are going to leave in an hour and a half, I think. RK is first to wake up.)
(yawns, smacks lips) RK: Time for breakfast.
(An employee comes in with a whole tray of breakfast items, such as bagels, strawberries, and sausages. The song from the Philadelphia Cream Cheese "Where When" commercial starts playing in the background. RK takes a cracker, spreads it with cream cheese, and nudges Buster with it. Buster is none too amused with what's going on, and the song stops as the record scratches.)
(pause)
BUSTER: What the hell are you doing?
RK: Feeding you.
(long pause)
BUSTER: OK.
(RK feeds Buster the cracker)
BUSTER: Wow, this Philadelphia cream cheese is amazing. Are there any strawberries?
RK: Sure.
BUSTER: OK, do the same thing, but with the strawberry.
(RK takes a strawberry, puts cream cheese on the bottom of it, rolls the strawberry around Buster's lips, and feeds it to him.)
BUSTER: Man, you are GOOD! You're good, man.
RK: Well, my compliments to the chef.
BUSTER: Is there any sausage?
RK: All day.
BUSTER: OK, don't put any cream cheese on it.
(RK takes a long sausage, and simply holds it as he stares at Buster. He seems uncomfortable as he knows what'll happen next.)
BUSTER: Go ahead. Do it.
RK: I don't know if I do, and….
BUSTER: RK, it's simple. Just stick the wiener in my mouth.
RK: What?
BUSTER: Take that long wiener you have, put it in my mouth, and it'll go down my throat.
(long pause)
RK: Are you sure? Kids might be watching this.
BUSTER: I don't care! Besides, this is the closest thrill you'll ever get with me.
(long pause)
RK: Fine, I'll do it.
(RK puts sausage in Buster's mouth. Buster unnecessarily sucks it for a good five seconds, and starts chomping on it with his own two hands.)
BUSTER: Thank you, RK. You're a good friend. That was a very nice Pringles can you put in my mouth.
RK: Dude, stop it. You're doing that on purpose.
BUSTER: Oh, and this is more disturbing than your abuse jokes?
RK: Touché.
COL. NEWMAN: Wow, that was a good sleep. You guys want to eat breakfast and then we'll head for Seattle?
BUSTER: Sure.
(we skip when the three are eating and changing)
Buster, RK, and Col. Newman are on their way to Seattle. The boys have their duffel bags, while Col. Newman has all his belongings.
RK: OK, let's…What in (bleep) God's name are they doing?
BUSTER: Look at YOU using the Lord's name in vain.
RK: THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW! LOOK!
(There are four men chopping RK's car down to size with axes. They keep singing "Maddenoliday" while doing it.)
RK: HEY! GET THE HELL OUT!
MAN #1: And what if we don't?
RK: I'll use the Bud Compson Power Stare on you.
(The four men start murmuring to each other. The Bud Compson Power Stare is very lethal.)
MAN #2: Fine. We'll go. But we trashed your car already, and we'll be back for Round 2.
RK: I wouldn't count on it.
(the four men walk away with smirks)
COL. NEWMAN: RK, are you alright?
RK: Yeah, I'm fine.
BUSTER: Dude, they just destroyed your car.
RK: It's cool. I can always buy another one. But I haven't even owned it for six months. And my P-Star Welcome to My Show album was in there.
BUSTER: You want to nail her so much, don't you?
RK: Yes. That's not even a (bleep) question!
COL. NEWMAN: You guys feel like taking the plane?
(imitating Dean Ambrose) BUSTER AND RK: Nope.
(extremely long pause, about 30 seconds)
COL. NEWMAN: OK.
BUSTER: I know what we can do.
(The three do what they did yesterday, with the exact same song. The three also play Dance Dance Revolution at Chuck E. Cheese's using "Girls Talkin' Bout" by Mindless Behavior. The three are in the exact same spot hours later. They know they've wasted a lot of time.)
RK: We just spent six hours not planning ANYTHING?
BUSTER: You know RK, you should expect this behavior out of me. But Dad, come on.
COL. NEWMAN: What was so wrong about the plane?
BUSTER: I hate planes. They only give you a few channels on the in-flight TV, they show music videos for rap artists on the big screen above all the passengers, and their pasta is terrible. (holds his stomach) I can never eat airplane food again.
RK: Yeah, now I know why people make jokes. Besides, the little seat HURTS MY BOTTOM! (slaps his ass three times for no apparent reason)
COL. NEWMAN: Well, how are we supposed to get home for Christmas?
SNOW DOG #1: Hey.
(Buster, RK, and Col. Newman turn around to acknowledge the snow dog)
SNOW DOG #1: You guys need a lift?
(the three just stare at each other, unsure whether to accept the gesture or not)
SCENE 20
The Santos Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(The lights are off at Manny's house. He's apparently gearing up for Santa.)
WILL: Manny? Manny, you in there? (picks lock using duck bone) And RK thinks I don't have the knack. Manny, you want to come with my family for Christmas caroling?
(Will falls straight into rope trap)
WILL: Damn. This is just like that Roots dream I had last night. Except Alex Haley's not here for the sodomy.
MANNY: Hello, Santa. You've come early.
(Manny has a devious look on his face, but that instantly changes when he sees Will)
MANNY: Will? Stop playing around and get out of the rope trap! I'm saving it for Santa.
WILL: What the hell are you talking about?
MANNY: Santa Claus is a bloodthirsty killer, who preys on kids who see him in their house. He and his reindeer take steroids, so that's why he can do all that magic shit. It's like a never-ending bachata concert!
WILL: Manny, Santa Claus isn't real. We told you that already! And why would he be a bloodthirsty killer?
MANNY: Travis told me. He found out on 3-2-1 Contact.
WILL: Manny, Travis is a douchebag that fools people all the time. And 3-2-1 Contact never taught anything like that!
MANNY: Oh. So Santa doesn't exist.
WILL: NO! He's just a symbol for kids to believe in until they're old enough to know the truth.
MANNY: But why do kids get cheated like that? And what's the point of Christmas if Santa Claus isn't real?
WILL: That's the point of Christmas. Santa teaches kids about giving and spirit. He's real, but in our imagination. In our hearts. Like the Tooth Fairy encouraging kids to have good dental hygiene, or the Easter Bunny encouraging kids to remember Jesus.
MANNY: I never thought of it like that. Thanks, Will.
WILL: No problem, buddy. Now could you please get me out? I'm going to pass out in like, two minutes.
MANNY: No problem, buddy.
(Manny takes a pair of scissors and cuts the rope, causing Will to crash on the floor)
WILL: Somebody….call my momma.
BRODUS CLAY: Did somebody call the Funkasaurus and his Funkadactyls?
MANNY: Go away, Brodus.
BRODUS CLAY: OK, fine, screw you. I'm out.
(Brodus Clay leaves)
SCENE 21
Marriott Hotel
Exterior Entrance
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
BUSTER: Wait, so you guys are talking snow dogs?
SNOW DOG #1: Yes. Yes we are. There was a spell put on snow dogs hundreds of years ago that gave us the ability to speak. Balto just didn't want to communicate with humans.
BUSTER: Great, because I know a dumpster with the same problem!
RK: Where did you two come from?
SNOW DOG #2: The guy using us made landing here, insulted us, and took off. Ever since then, we haven't seen him.
SNOW DOG #1: We've been here for six hours.
COL. NEWMAN: So you guys can actually take us to Seattle?
SNOW DOG #2: Anywhere you want. Except Iceland. It doesn't make sense! There's no ice at all, just green in it! And Greenland has ice all over it! Who came up with…..
SNOW DOG #1: Paul, calm down before your veins pop out again.
SNOW DOG #2: OK, Steve.
RK: When can you take us?
SNOW DOG #1: Whenever you're ready.
SNOW DOG #2: We should warn you we've only been doing this for eight months, so our flying skills aren't that developed yet.
BUSTER: That's OK. As long as you can take us to Seattle.
RK: Hold up a minute! I want to go home, but in one piece. There is no way I'm going in that dog sleigh with talking animals!
(minutes later)
RK: I can't believe I'm in this dog sleigh with talking animals.
SNOW DOG #1: You get used to it after a while.
SNOW DOG #2: OK, we're going to get a running start and then we'll be in the sky. Seattle is about 45 minutes away.
COL. NEWMAN: Amazing. I wonder what I'll do when I see Laura.
BUSTER: I wonder if I'll get yelled at.
RK: I wonder if Buster will give me a mistletoe kiss.
(Buster and Col. Newman simply stare at RK. Even the snow dogs take notice of what was just said.)
RK: What? (pause) He might.
SNOW DOG #1: OK, leggo!
(the dogs start running)
RK: I can't believe this is life. I'm actually a part of this. I might get killed by these near-sighted dogs! Fake-ass reindeer. I wonder if Santa had to deal with this. (snow dogs are now flying at top-speed) Hey, look, they're flying now. What IS this, some kind of magic act?
(The speed propels RK off his seat and onto the back of the sleigh. He forgot to buckle in and is now hanging on for dear life.)
("Jingle Bells" by Drake Bell playing in the background)
RK: AAAAAAHHHH! REAL MONSTERS! AAAAAAHHHHH!
COL. NEWMAN: RK, get in the sleigh!
RK: I can't, you DOLT! I'm not even properly buckled in!
BUSTER: This is EXACTLY what Smokey The Bear preached.
RK: That dumb-ass bear preached about FOREST FIRES, BUSTER!
COL. NEWMAN: OK, we'll pull you in and buckle you in. Grab my hand.
(RK, hanging on to the sleigh with his other hand, attaches to Col. Newman with his free hand. He is then pulled into the sleigh and immediately buckled in.
COL. NEWMAN: Safety first, RK. Remember that.
RK: Ho-ho-ho! That was funny.
SNOW DOG #2: Press the button of the Terrific Turbo Trooper Toy T-Bot Team. It turns on the sleigh cover.
BUSTER: Head action NOW!
(Buster does exactly that)
SNOW DOG #1: There. Now no one will be thrown out.
We see the MacDougal household. Everyone's there.
KG: RK just called them. They'll be in Seattle in less than 10 minutes.
MRS. NEWMAN: Oh my God. I'm so scared.
MRS. JENNINGS: It's OK, Laura. Buster's going to be fine.
MRS. NEWMAN: It's not just him. It's also Rusty. If I see him, what's going to happen?
SPARKY: I bet they had some awesome Christmas adventure, like on TV.
WADE: Bet.
We see the sleigh. The three are now in Seattle, but haven't reached Sparky's house yet.
SNOW DOG #2: We're reaching maximum speed!
SNOW DOG #1: GET READY!
RK: THIS isn't maximum speed?!
SNOW DOG #2: No. This is. WATCH!
(The dogs reach maximum speed, since they're approaching Sparky's house. The faces of Buster, RK, and Col. Newman look mangled now because of the speed.)
BUSTER: Madonna…..still looks attractive at 54.
RK: Dude…that's nasty.
COL. NEWMAN: I might…have to agree…..with Buster on that.
SNOW DOG #1: Here we go!
(the sleigh makes landing on Sparky's front lawn)
SNOW DOG #2: Nice place your friend Sparky has.
(all three get out of the sleigh, woozy)
(slurred) RK: We're here. But it was a bad idea from the start, and I'll keep on saying it.
(slurred) BUSTER: No boubt adout it.
(normal) COL. NEWMAN: Guys, you can stop talking like that. The landing didn't change our voices.
RK: Oh, well then. Must've been psychosomatic.
COL. NEWMAN: Thanks guys for the ride.
SNOW DOG #1: Any time. It was nice to meet you. Well, we have to get back to Canada. Plenty of people need a stupid joyride.
SNOW DOG #2: And after we get back home to Toronto, we'll probably harass Mexicans at the movie theater.
BUSTER: Nice racist joke.
SNOW DOG #1: He wasn't joking.
(the dogs fly away, and then say something in Spanish)
SNOW DOGS: Bye! Vete a la mierda gilipollas!
RK: What the hell did they just say?
(surprised) COL. NEWMAN: They said (bleep) you, assholes.
BUSTER: Dad, you speak Spanish?
COL. NEWMAN: Some of it.
(the three go inside)
(everybody yells in joy)
KG: RK! My brother!
RK: BROTHER-MAN!
KG: SHACKA-BROTHER!
(the two do their world-famous Jennings Handshake)
BUSTER: Mom, this is Colonel Rusty Newman. Dad.
MRS. NEWMAN: Rusty.
COL. NEWMAN: Laura.
(the two embrace each other)
MRS. NEWMAN: Look, Rusty, about the report…..
COL. NEWMAN: Laura, it's fine. I know you weren't thinking straight when you reported abuse.
(smirking) RK: Hey, Col. Newman?
COL. NEWMAN: Not this again, RK.
RK: Looks like all dogs DON'T GO TO HEAVEN! (RK laughs extremely hard)
(Buster punches RK again, and this time it takes him a while for him to get up)
SPARKY: Pretty dense abuse jokes.
WADE: VERY dense.
MRS. NEWMAN: Rusty, seeing you tonight, made me realize I'm still in love with you.
COL. NEWMAN: Me too, Laura. But, maybe we should take it one step at a time. How about becoming friends again?
MRS. NEWMAN: I'd love that, Colonel.
(the two kiss and Buster smiles)
MR. MACDOUGAL: Anybody want to watch the Hawaii Bowl?
(Wade and all the women except for Mrs. MacDougal leave the room)
KG: SMU, get ready for a smack-down.
RK: Says you, Fresno State kiss-up.
SPARKY: Welcome back, buddy.
BUSTER: It's good to be back, buddy.
(the two do that retard handshake Dylan and Cole Sprouse used to do on The Suite Life of Zack and Cody)
RK: I always hated that handshake.
KG: My friends would STOMP you if you did that around them.
(the boys, the men, and Mrs. MacDougal settle in to enjoy the game)
("All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Big Time Rush featuring Miranda Cosgrove playing in the background)
(It is Christmas morning. A montage is shown of the boys and their holiday experiences. Sparky bought himself a skateboard, and he's hugging it like his parents got it for him. He also got a new writer's notebook, green Adidas pants, and $1,750 worth of plane tickets to New York City. Sparky's dream of going to Times Square for New Year's Eve might finally materialize. Bitch Clock got a golden handgun, and uses it to shoot through the window, breaking it. Sparky snarls at Bitch Clock and chokes him. At Wade's house, Wade got The Big Book of Facts: Volume VII, and Run-DMC's Tougher Than Leather album. At the Jennings household, KG got a new silver guitar and matching pick. RK got the CM Punk: Best In The World DVD on Blu-Ray. And at Buster's house, Buster got that Slurpee machine, a Mountain Dew Distortion (you don't know how much that flavor is limited) and Taylor Swift's Red album. Buster's parents are talking over coffee in the kitchen and having a great time. Buster can't help but beam.)
A few hours later, we see Sparky get out of his house and face the camera.
(imitating Michael Yarmush) SPARKY: Happy holidays, everybody! (crash) BUSTER!
BUSTER: Sorry, this machine is very sensitive.
(Sparky does a facepalm, and closes the door)
EPILOGUE
(The four boys are sitting in a den near a fireplace, wearing God-awful holiday sweaters)
SPARKY: From our family to your family…
RK: We'd just like to say, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
WADE: Peace, love, and joy…
BUSTER: Wherever you may be.
TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Have a good one! (they all wave to the camera)
WADE: WAIT! STOP!
SPARKY: What is it, Wade?
WADE: We're not being inclusive. And we're going to come back in two weeks.
RK: Damn, you're right!
BUSTER: Let's just do it again.
TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Happy holidays and see YOU in two weeks! (they all wave to the camera again)
("Bring The Noise" by Anthrax featuring Public Enemy playing in the end credits)
©2012 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
IN MEMORIAM OF THE SANDY HOOK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL VICTIMS
BLESS THEIR SOULS
