When we pulled up outside the hospital, I felt sick. I looked a mess, and now I was going to have to wait in a room full of people staring at me. "I won't leave you, okay?" Rosa whispered, reaching over the centre console to hold my hand. I nod my head, pulling her oversized jacket around my body.
Rosa is trying to help me out of the car when it strikes me. Teddy could be in there looking for me. Noting my hesitation, Rosa stops pulling me up and instead crouches down. "You scared?" I nod. "Do you want me to call reception and see if we can get you straight into a side room?" I nod again. "Okay." Rosa stands up and closes the door, standing guard as she makes the call.
"Okay, the said they'd got a side room we can head to, but we've got to walk through the ER waiting room to get there." I sit myself up, trying to control my shaky breath. Teddy could be waiting there for me. He was my boyfriend, so he was next of kin, which means they'll tell him everything. Rosa rubs my hand "I know it's not ideal, but you can hold onto me, and I'll get you through as quickly as possible, okay?" I nodded, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, reminding myself I had Rosa, the NYPD's most badass detective.
Rosa leads me through the automatic doors at the hospital. I'm instantly hit with the bright, unforgiving lights and smell of bleach as we enter. I try to focus on the sound of Rosa's heeled boots on the clean laminate floor as we enter the busy ER waiting room, but I can't stop myself from freezing as I automatically scan the room for Teddy, oblivious to the sudden fall of silence. A mother who was sat a few meters away from where we're stood picks up her toddler and begins to rock him. Everyone else gawps. Rosa strokes my hand and murmurs reassurances in Spanish as I continue to study the room frantically.
Where was he? I knew he was hiding here somewhere, waiting to pounce. Why didn't I agree to have sex? If I had, I wouldn't be stood here like a prize hog at a fair. I'm so stupid. I should have just said yes.
It's Rosa who notices I'm spiralling first. She squeezes my hand to bring my focus back to her; then she attracts the attention of a receptionist, who, upon realising who I am (not that difficult to work out), shows us into a quiet side room. Sensing my hesitation, Rosa goes in first. Turning around after a brief look around the room she nods at me, and I shuffle into the small room, perching myself on the end of the bed. "The nurse will be though in a moment." I had forgotten the receptionist was with us, and her voice makes me jump. She smiles at me before leaving, closing the door behind her.
Now we're alone; I cling onto Rosa, who's standing between me and the door. "You worried he's going to come here looking for you?" I nod, still gripping onto her top. "He won't; it's too risky." She whispers "But if for whatever reason he does show up, I'm not going to let him anywhere near you, chica." Rosa perches next to me, rubbing my back as tones of hushed Spanish tumble from her lips.
Eventually, I begin to calm down, so Rosa shifts onto a nearby chair but continues holding my hand. "I know you don't want to report it, but do you think you might let them do a SAEK?" I instantly stiffen and pull my hand away. SAEK stood for Sexual Assault Evidence Kit, more commonly referred to as a rape kit, and I knew I didn't want one. "I know it's scary, but it means if you do decide to report it, you've all the evidence you need right there."
In theory, it sounds like a good idea, but being a detective, I know exactly what goes on in them. One of the first parts is telling the SANE ( Sexual Assult Nurse Examiner) what happened, in detail. Rosa and I have worked together for years, and we've even gone into active shooter situations as partners. Even so, I am not talking about what happened, not to her, not to anyone.
"Amy?" Rosa gently reaches out and squeezes my hand, bringing my attention back to her. "Are you scared about talking about what happened?" I nod. "We can skip that part if you want, and just do the collection?" I hesitate for a second "If you want I'll stay with you and speak for you?" I look into Rosa's kind eyes and give a small nod, making Rosa smile. "Thank you."
About 15 minutes later, a SANE (Sexual Assult Nurse Examiner) nurse in her mid-thirties walked in "I'm nurse Regan, and I'm going to perform your SAEK today," She turned to Rosa "Miss, would you mind waiting outside?" I whimpered and clung onto Rosa's hand tighter. "I'm staying." Rosa suddenly seemed a lot more like Rosa with a scowl on her face. The nurse sighed "Okay, just be aware you could be called upon as a witness if this goes to court." I closed my eyes and gripped Rosa's hand tighter at the thought of court. Rosa stands up and pulls me into her chest, so I don't see the evil looks she shoots the nurse. "We don't have to worry about that right now."
"Okay, the first thing I'm going to ask is for your consent. This test is split into different parts, and you can consent to some of them, none of them or all of them, although be aware the more you consent to the more likely we are to get a prosecution if this is reported. You can ask me to stop, pause or skip a step at any time, even if you've consented already. Do you understand?" Taking a deep breath, I nod.
The first part is the part I don't even want to think about. "Can you tell me what happened tonight?" Rosa interjects for me "She wants to skip this part." The nurse raises an eyebrow but doesn't comment and moves onto the next section.
I sit quietly as my vitals were taken and recorded on a sheet. Next, it's the mouth swabs. "These get rubbed around your mouth, between your gum and cheek, under your tongue and over your gums, okay?" I nod and reach out to take the first Q tip from her, but she pulls away. "I do this part." I sigh and open my mouth. When both of those are sufficiently covered in saliva (urah) the nurse rubs them on a slide and leaves it out to dry before picking up what looks like a tiny brush and rubbing the insides of my cheek. It tickles.
I'm then asked to stand on a piece of paper and undress. I glance up at Rosa as I let go of her hand and shuffle uncertainly onto the cool paper. "It's okay, chica." She continues to murmur her praises in Spanish as I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and slide Rosa's leather jacket off my shoulders. I don't want to give it up, but I hold it out to the nurse so she can pop it in the paper bag she's rustling.
Before I know it, I'm stood stark naked in front of a complete stranger. I can tell Rosa's trying not to react to my bruised body, and it proves too much for me. I furiously wipe away the tears as I brace myself to be touched. The gloved nurse runs her hands through my hair and down my body. Certain parts are sore and tender to the touch, while others I don't want her touching at all, but I force myself to stand still and focus on Rosa's praises.
The nurse stands upright, turning around to go through the checklist. "What language are you speaking to her?" Rosa glances at me as if to ask permission. I nod. "Spanish." The nurse looks up from the sheet, smiling "It's always nice when we get sisters in here." Rosa snorts "No, we're friends, we just happen to be able to speak Spanish." The nurse shuts up after that.
Picking up what looks like a torch, the nurse shines it over my body. A small blob on the back of my leg glows, and the nurse runs a wet q tip over it, making me jump slightly. She does the same with the bite on my shoulder, but this time I'm braced, and I don't flinch when she presses the cool q tip against my wound (although it does sting badly).
The nurse pulls out a camera and asks me to turn around. I tried not to get self-conscious as she took photos of the finger marks across my breasts, but fail. I knew it had to be done, so I tolerate+ it, following the nurse's orders and changing my position as appropriate. That photo of me throwing up into a pillowcase is no longer the worst photo of me in existence.
"This next part feels a bit like a manicure." The nurse grins. I blink and look over at Rosa, who is rolling her eyes. Holding my hand over yet another piece of paper (over the part I'm stood on) the nurse runs what looks like a toothpick under each nail. I'm then handed a comb and asked to comb through my hair. I do my head first, gently teasing the knots out, making sure the stray hairs fall on the paper. When that's done, I take a deep breath and comb through my pubic hair, which I can safely say I'm never doing again.
I'm eventually handed a gown, so I didn't have to be naked anymore and asked to sit on the bed. Rosa helps me into the hospital gown. When she's finished, I wipe my eyes, take Rosa's hand and watch as it's all carefully wrapped up and put into the collection with the swabs.
The subsequent test is what I consider to be the worst bit of the test.
"Were you penetrated vaginally?" I nod. "Anally?" I pause to think, my cheeks flushing red, before shaking my head. "Okay, lie back against the bed for me." Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes, tighten my grip on Rosa's hand, and allow myself to be swabbed 'down there'. It hurts. I try not to cry again, but I'm overtired and embarrassed.
Next up were the injections. Luckily for me, I'm not scared of needles, although Rosa is. She had to look away when she saw the needle, which made me feel brave, just for a second. Once that was done, I was given a little silver packet with a single pill in it. I knew what it was even before the nurse explained it to me. I took it from her, wiping my eyes. The thought of a living thing growing inside of me, like a tapeworm, made me feel sick. "And this is your HIV prophylaxis." The nurse handed me a bottle of blue pills. I took them, squeezing my eyes shut and leaning into Rosa as I did so. I was officially at a substantial risk of HIV.
I had only stopped snuffling when the psychiatrist came in, making me nearly jump out of my skin. She was an older lady, with a kind smile and silver grey hair. "I'm sorry miss, this is a private consultation, would you mind waiting outside?" Rosa glared at her, and for a second I was petrified she was going to beat her up, but then she glances up at me, asking my permission wordlessly. I wanted her to stay, but we'd been in here three hours now, and she needed a break, so I nodded for her to go.
The psychiatrist didn't stay for long. She asked me a few yes/no questions regarding my mental state (I just nodded/ shook my head) and then gave me a card for free counselling. As she left, Rosa came back in with the nurse, armed with discharge papers. I signed them, and we were left in peace.
"Do you want to go back to my place?" Rosa asked as she helped me get into a rather uncomfortable top from lost and found. I nodded, a little surprised she'd offered. Normally I wouldn't want to impose, but my own home didn't feel safe anymore. "I called Holt while you were in psych. We will get some sleep, and then I told Holt that we were going to come in and talk to him about what happened. Again, we don't have to report it as a crime; we need to keep you safe." I nodded again. I didn't want to tell him, but we were both exhausted, and I didn't want to stress her out further. Now fully dressed, Rosa helped me to my feet and escorted me out of the room, staying slightly ahead of me at all times.
Rosa stood patiently as my legs once again froze at the sight of the ER waiting room, allowing me to scan for him before I relaxed a little and could walk again. Walking through a dark car park was also tough. Every shadow made me jump, and I would freeze every time I heard footsteps. But Rosa let me take my time, whispering her consolations in Spanish and rubbing my hand until I could move again.
I was grateful to be sitting in the safety of my car finally. I was so tired, but I couldn't sleep. Every time I began to drift off, I saw Teddy. So, instead, I watched the city lights through bleary eyes. The sky was a beautiful blue colour. I think they call this blue hour.
Rosa pulled into the parking garage, jumping out of the car before helping me get out and stagger up to her apartment. Unlocking the door, she showed me through to her bedroom and dug through her draws before pulling out a t-shirt and leggings. I perched on the end of Rosa's bed as she assisted me to get out of the itchy bleach scented clothes I'd been given into ones that smelled like coconut. "Take the bed." She whispers, pulling her top over her head.
This is Rosa Diaz we're talking about here. This was her apartment. Nobody in the NYPD (apart from Jake) knew where she lived. Teddy wasn't going to find me here. Even if he did, Rosa is a trained detective who has successfully tackled men twice her weight, and I know for a fact she's numerous weapons hidden around the house, but even here I didn't feel safe.
Maybe if she lay with me?
I watch Rosa as she gets changed into her PJs, trying to get my mouth to work. "Can you sleep here with me?" Rosa's head shot up, suppressed surprise evident on her face. She nodded and walked over to me, settling herself on the bed as I allowed myself to fall against the pillows.
"Do you want me to hold you tonight?" I nodded, knowing I'd probably feel better with Rosa close. She very gently laid an arm over my midriff. I don't know if it was because I was in bed, if it was where Rosa rested her arm, or just me being an overemotional idiot, but I began to bawl again.
"Come here." I rolled over onto my side and allowed Rosa to pull me into her arms, gently rubbing my back as I sobbed into her pillow. "We'll figure this out. I promise." She whispers as she kisses my head. I lean myself into her warm body and close my eyes, inevitably relaxing.
