Author's Note: Correm was really hard to write here.
This is m!Hawke x Anders. (Correm Hawke from What's Most Important, which finally has a chapter up.)
Prompt #9: Undone
There's only so much I can do for the mages and the refugees, but I try to do it. I work myself all day until I'm drained. When my patients are finally gone, I force down some scraps of food I have on hand. I try to sleep for maybe half an hour, and then I go out again to help mages escape. They deserve better, so much better than someone like me helping them. For too long, I was...
But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what I was before. It only matters what I am now. What I am now is a man distracted by things that I should not be. I've been trying to keep these feelings at bay, but it's hard. Every time he smiles, every time he gives me that impish grin of his, I can't help but love him all the more. And he doesn't even know.
I have never met a man so dense before. Merrill swoons over him, yet he doesn't know. He has been with Isabella, but I don't know if it means anything to him. Yet, at the same time, there's something I see in him that goes beyond the flirtations and his carefree attitude. I see it when he speaks of his sister, and when he speaks of his mother. There's something there that I sometimes question whether even he is aware of.
Today at the Hanged Man he wrote a letter to his sister. I read it. It was full of jokes, some of them dirty. He'd said that she would appreciate something to laugh about. His tone had been jovial, but there had been a tightness at the corners of his eyes. This is a man who loves his sister very much. I ache to feel that same sense of family.
I daren't tell him how I feel. That part of my life is behind me. He deserves better than what I can give him. I can't give him everything that I am, though I desperately want to. Every night, I find myself unable to sleep for thoughts of him, for how much I want to take him and taste those lips, hold him in my arms, to bring him to fruition.
I haven't seen him in days. Not since I nearly killed that girl after the fight with Ser Alrik. I've gotten less sleep than usual, terrified that I won't see him again. Not to mention the fact that I cannot forgive myself for what I almost did. Has everything been ruined? He is the one true ally I have found in this place. He is capable, and he cares, even if it doesn't show openly.
It's the middle of the day, and I've closed my doors. I'm feeling weak and light-headed. I know that I need to eat, but because of the constant anxiety gnawing at my insides, I can't.
Giving up, I decide to do what I've been meaning to do for a long time. Hawke's absence has made me miss not just him, but old poor Ser Pounce-a-lot. I had some fresh milk that one of my patients had brought me earlier, and I decide to put out a dish. I haven't seen many cats around, and I miss them, really. Maybe the milk will draw them out.
"What are you doing?"
I freeze for half a second when, out of the blue, I hear his voice behind me. Am I imagining this? "I'm putting out milk," I say. "I miss having a cat around." I stand up and turn to face him. No, he's very real.
Hawke raises an eyebrow at me. "Me-ow," he says with a grin.
My heart flutters. Oh, Maker, does he even know what he does to me? I can't help the grin that spreads on my face. I am inordinately happy to see him.
"Sorry I haven't come by sooner," he says. "I've been busy with this and that. Fenris needed some help with something, and I know you two hate each other."
"That's all right," I reply, trying to not react to the Tevinter elf's name. "I'm glad you came by. I've been meaning to thank you. You don't need to stick your neck out for the mages here, but you have." I smile at him. "One day we'll make a world where your sister can be free."
I see that impish grin. "I would love that. Besides, I've always had a thing for scrappy underdogs. I wouldn't want them to lock you up, either, you know."
Something inside me snaps. Maybe it's the sparkle in his eyes when he looks at me, maybe it's my low blood sugar, or more likely it's how much I've been missing him. I can't keep this from him any longer. "I've tried to hold back," I manage to say. "You saw what I almost did to that girl." A lump forms in my throat, and I swallow it down. "You've seen what I am, but I'm still a man. Don't expect me to resist forever."
"Oh? Why, Anders, how long until I drive you mad?" he teased.
That is the last straw for me. I'm completely undone. I rush forward and take his face in my hands, pressing my lips to his. They are as soft and pliant as I imagined, though he is frozen for a moment. My heart is pounding as I press my body against his, devouring his mouth. After a few moments he haltingly kisses me back, perhaps just as a reflex, and I feel his hand on my arm.
When I pull back, he's blinking at me and his cheeks are flushed. "If we could die tomorrow, I didn't want it to be without doing that."
"Was that the only thing?" he asks. He's actually blushing!
"Well..."
Hawke looks off to the side. For a moment I'm afraid he's going to tell me to back off. Instead, he confesses, "You startled me. But, you know, I've... never... felt like this before. With... with anyone."
I feel weak when I hear those words from him. "I had thought that with Justice... this part of me was over. I can't give you a normal life."
"Normal?" he asks quietly. He's more subdued than I've ever seen him. "What's normal, anyway? My life has never been about being normal. Being with a man isn't normal."
"Do you... mind?" I swallow.
The corner of his mouth quirks up. "No."
I frown a little. "If you're with me, we'll be hunted, hated. The whole world will be against us. I don't want to put you through that, if you don't..."
"I don't care. I want this."
I reach out tentatively to push his hair back behind his ear, and run my fingers down the side of his face. "If your door is open tonight, I'll come to you."
He just nods mutely.
I enter his bedroom later that night. He's standing in front of the fireplace, looking more endearingly uncertain than I have ever seen him.
He turns to me, and licks his lips. "You're here." His brows draw together. "I... wasn't sure you would come, after what you said."
"Well. Justice doesn't approve of my obsession with you." I step up to him. "But he and I disagree. I won't let him stop me."
He gives me that wry smile of his. "So... he's sort of... an unwilling participant in our threesome?"
"Oh, don't call it that..." I watch him for a moment. It's as if he's deflecting a bit. Is he nervous? From comments he's made in the past, I know he's never been with a man. "Are you sure you want me here? I know that... you and Isabella..."
He shakes his head. "That wasn't anything serious."
Words can't describe how I feel. I've wanted this for so long. I cup his face in my hand and rub my thumb across his chin. "In the Circle, love was just a game. It's dangerous to have something that gives the Templars too much power over you, something you can't stand to lose."
He looks off to the side. "I don't know what I'm doing," he says quietly.
"I know," I tell him. I pull him to me and I kiss him. He sighs softly and returns the kiss, allowing me to lead him into this. Soon, his clothes are undone, just as is my resistance to this love.
The night is over. I've made sure to show him what it can be like. He lies next to me, his face buried in my neck.
He is mine. And, for these moments, I can be happy.
