Killer Penguins

SECOND DAY of the Smashers' cruise

At 4 o'clock in the morning, Dedede's faithful Waddle Dees went down to the kitchen and disposed of Marth's dead and motionless body. Waddle Dees were the perfect people to do his dirty work; their lack of mouths meant that they couldn't tell anyone about anything.


Dedede awoke from his sleep. It was 8:00 in the morning, and since Dedede was, like usual, very hungry, he decided to go down to eat breakfast.

Kirby was the only other person whose sleep was interrupted by hunger, and had already finished a box of his 'Kirby Star Pops'.

"Hey there Kirbster!" the bird said, stretching his arms.
"What's up, Dedede?"

Dedede paused to think. "Nothing much, a surge of hunger, all that stuff."

"Ah," the puffball replied. He picked up a box of cereal. "Want some Mari-Os?" He snickered. "Or would you much rather eat bird seed."

The king snatched the box and poured out a bowl of cereal for himself.

"Oh yeah… penguin-man…" Kirby munched on some cereal. "You seen Marth lately?"

"Marth?" Dedede asked, trying to think of something to say. "Why… do you think he's hurt or something?"

The penguin's eye twitched.

"It's just that I haven't seen him around lately," Kirby, said, sipping some orange juice. "His room next to mine and all."

"AH! Right, THAT!" Dedede said loudly. He laughed nervously. "Well, NO, I haven't seen Marth at ALL!"

His eye twitched.

Kirby stared.

Dedede's eye twitched.

"Oh, what do you know?" Kirby said, looking at his watch. "It's 8:30, time for my morning nap!"

The puffball scurried away into his room.

"Phew… that was close," the penguin muttered.


"Wake up!" Sonic's voice echoed. "Get up, Yoshi!"

"Morning already?" the dinosaur asked, looking at his clock.

"Yep," Sonic said. "Now get up so we can rig those pancakes!"

"Zelda's cooking is already bad as it is…" the dinosaur protested.

"Are you suggesting not trying to be rebellious and totally rad?"

"Pretty much," Yoshi said. He slumped in the bed.

"But being rebellious and totally rad makes you cool! And it attracts chicks?"

"Sonic, is it me, or are you being awfully stupid today?"

"Fine!" the hedgehog said. "I'll do it without you!"

The hedgehog grabbed a bag of gunpowder and dragged it down the stairs to the kitchen.

"Hey there Sonic!" Dedede called out to the hedgehog as he filled the pancake mix with gunpowder. "Whatcha doing?"

Sonic turned. "Oh, um… this? Well, I…"

Dedede smiled.

"Er…" Sonic mumbled, sweating. "I was just making the pancake mix better!"

"Why do you have a bag labelled 'Gunpowder', which's contents you are dumping in the pancake mix?" Dedede asked happily.

"It's from that shop… Gunpowder…" Sonic said, sweating even more. "Haven't you heard of it?"

"Nope, I sure haven't!" Dedede replied. "Say, what's inside that bag?"

"Well, you see…" Sonic trembled. "Um… er… You see…"

Sonic had a seizure.

"Heh, young folks!"


Yoshi slowly rolled out of bed and fell on to the floor with a loud 'thud'.

"Stupid Sonic. Stupid Luigi. Why do I even hang around them?" the dinosaur muttered, as he slowly stood up.

He yawned lazily as he walked to the kitchen. Grabbing a bowl and the box of Mari-Os on the way, he slumped on a chair at the table.

"Oh… um, hi there Yoshi!" Dedede said, grinning. "Please don't throw pancakes at me!"

As the penguin hid under the table, Yoshi didn't seem to notice.

The dinosaur fell asleep on the table.

"What's with him?" Dedede asked Sonic, as he stood up.

"How should I know? He's been acting really weird lately, calling me stupid and all," Sonic said, chuckling. "Me? Stupid? What's gotten into him?"

"Well, you are-"

"Do you want me to throw bacon at you instead, fat bird?"

"I am not a fat bird! You see-"

Sonic threw some conveniently placed bacon at Dedede.

"Penguin, nobody likes you! You're stupid, fat, old and easy to make fun of! You don't deserve to be awesome like us!"

"But-"

"No buts, penguin! I'm kicking you out of your room and you can sleep on deck! Ha!"

"But-"

Sonic threw more bacon at the penguin, then abruptly left.

"Why me? I'm innocent, and I'm just… so lonely…"

Dedede ate his bacon. In a very sad manner.


Sonic rummaged through the contents of Dedede's room, making sure to inspect everything twice. In one box he dumped the penguin's stuff, and in the other he dumped the penguin's stuff that he wanted to keep. Soon, he came across the Smash Mansion's roster that was given out at the start of the year. Strangely, there was a red 'X' next to Marth's name.

"Hm… maybe he's just listing the awesome people…" Sonic looked closer. "Yeah, he really is a wannabe cool person!"

The blue hedgehog threw the piece of paper on top of the pile Dedede would keep.

"Stupid penguin," he chuckled.

Sonic walked up to Dedede with the penguin's stuff in a wheelbarrow.

"Take this, bird," Sonic said. "Go to your little wine cellar – or wherever you're staying."

The hedgehog huffed loudly and walked away, leaving the penguin on deck.

"A wine cellar?" Dedede said to himself. "What kind of place is that to sleep in?

"I'll surely need a room for myself… but I can't kick out Sonic! He's so intimidating!"

The penguin paced around the wheelbarrow a few times before getting an idea.

"Aha!" he exclaimed unnecessarily loudly. "I'll get rid of Luigi! Nobody likes him anyway!"

Dedede chuckled.

"But Dedede…" Mario said, approaching him from behind. "Wouldn't it be smarter to kill Sonic so you can get YOUR room back? He's just full of himself anyway."
"True," the penguin said. "But that would-"

Dedede looked at Mario.

"Did you just hear about everything I just said?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

Silence.

Mario hit Dedede in the head with a branding iron.


Yoshi, peering at the whole ordeal from behind a crate, was shocked when he heard the penguin would murder someone. It didn't suit him… maybe he was just fed up with his unpopularity. Could that mean he murdered Marth?, Yoshi wondered as he scurried away.

He soon screeched to a halt. He had an idea. He could stop Dedede, and no one would ever no.

The dinosaur walked calmly back to the place where Dedede's unconscious body lay.


Dedede awoke from his sleep. Although this time he had a sharp pain in his head and he seemed to be in a small, wooden enclosure. Voices from outside were echoing through his head.

"Why thank you, Yoshi, for clearing up space in the dining hall! I shall throw these crates overboard immediately!"

A crate? Why was he inside a crate? Was Yoshi trying to kill him!?

"Yes, Crazy Hand, these crates were very space-occupying. It was necessary to clear up space for… other things."

Yoshi had a stutter in his voice. Why did he have a stutter in his voice? Was he nervous because of something?

"Well, off they go!"

Before the penguin knew it, his small enclosure was tumbling around wildly in the air as he fell. With a big crash, water seeped into the sides of the box. He was going to drown in there!

Dedede struggled and managed to kick the box's lid off. He was deep under the sea now, and swam as fast as he could to the surface. Dedede cried for help, and Zelda came and threw a rope down towards him.

Soon, he was back up on deck, and safe from harm…


Yoshi calmly paced around his room, whistling. It's fine, he thought to himself. Dedede's dead, there's nothing to worry about.

"Hey, Yoshi!" a familiar voice called out from behind him.

The dinosaur screamed and backed away into a wall.

"A…Dedede! What a surprise to see you!"

"Hi there Yoshi! Say, have you seen those crates in the dining hall?"

The dinosaur looked at Dedede and crouched in a corner.

"No…" Yoshi said, taking a gulp of air. "Why do you ask?"

"It's just they were there before, and now they aren't!"

"Well… I can't help you about where they are!"

Yoshi laughed nervously.

"That's a shame… Because…" Dedede eyed Yoshi dramatically. "I was in one of those crates!"

"Wha- What are you talking about?"

"Did you put me in one of those crates Yoshi? Did you!?" Dedede questioned, holding the dinosaur up to the wall by his neck.

"No!" Yoshi screamed. "I swear I didn't! I swear!"

"O…kay…" Dedede said, dropping Yoshi to the floor. "Don't lie to me Yoshi, you really don't want to lie to me."

The penguin walked away calmly, as Yoshi was trying to ease the pain on his neck.


Dedede was happily munching on his second breakfast, when Yoshi, fazed from the penguin's actions, walked up behind him.

"Hello there Dedede!" Yoshi said.

"Hey there bud!" the penguin chirpily replied.

"Well," Yoshi said. "I just want to apologise for throwing pancakes at you! It was wrong, and harmful!"

"I'm glad you've brought yourself back together, Yoshi!" Dedede said, smiling. "Just promise me that you won't hang around your silly gang of yours again!"

"Okay!" Yoshi said, a forced smile on his face.

"Good!" Dedede said. "You're the best of buds!" He stood up and left the room.

"I… am?"


Luigi's room was located next to a staircase, so it wasn't a hassle disposing of him. Dedede pushed his bed – with Luigi still sleeping in it – to the edge of the staircase.

"What? It's morning already?" Dedede's target asked wearily.

"Yes!" Dedede laughed. "Mourning for your death!"

The penguin pushed the bed down the stair case, and it hitched on one of the steps and crashed into the wall Luigi-first.

Dedede, satisfied by his fate, walked down the stairs to get a fresh glass of OJ.