A/N- Thirteen reviews?! Awesome. I'm really psyched, guys! THANKS!!

"May I always be on my way to you/May I never have to meet the man I'd be alone/I'm your criminal and you're my only friend/May I always be on my way to you/Cause I'm scared, scared of myself/Oh, I'm scared, scared of myself/Oh, I'm scared, scared of myself without you."

- "Scared Of Myself"
Simon Dawes


Chapter Two
Scared Of Myself

Trai came out the next morning looking generally okay, if a little disheveled, since she'd been awake barely ten minutes. "Hey," she said softly.

"Hey." Mark kissed her gently. "You want coffee?"

"Ugh. I can't stomach food this early, let alone coffee. Plus I don't think that's good for the baby." She smiled a bit. "I'm gonna have to get used to saying that."

"We all are," Mark chuckled, then confessed, "Has it not really struck you yet? It feels that way to me…"

"Don't worry, I'm in the same boat you are. I give it another couple days before I wake up and think, Shit, I'm really pregnant," she laughed.

Mark handed her a glass of water so she could swallow her vitamins. "Do you think we should call the others? Maureen and Joanne, Benny and Collins?"

Trai nodded. "I think they'd like to know, yeah. And much as I hate to say this—what about our families?"

"I think I'm only telling my mom."

"Yeah, I'm probably going to tell Angie first. We might have to make a pilgrimage to Bay Shore in the next week or two."

Mark nodded. "Okay. You sure your parents won't want to kill me?"

"Nah. Mom loves you, and Dad's not the type to break out a shotgun upon hearing his only daughter is pregnant," Trai teased. "You'll be fine." She winced a little and pressed her hand to her stomach. "Mmm… gimme a second…"

She disappeared into the bathroom, feeling sick. Concerned, Mark followed her. "Everything all right?"

"I just feel sick," Trai sighed. "Really sick."

Mark wet a washcloth and gently wiped the sweat from her face. "Need me to do anything?"

Trai eased down onto the floor and shook her head. "No," she said weakly. "Look, this isn't going to be pretty. You can leave if you want; I'm fine."

"You're not fine. I'm staying," Mark said firmly.

Trai closed her eyes and rested her head against the sink. "This sucks. It really does."

"I know, baby," Mark said softly. He sat next to her, rubbing her shoulder. "I know." After a moment he paused. "Wait here."

Trying to remember what his mother had done for Cindy, he went into the kitchen and opened the fridge, finding a lemon he'd had around from the last time Trai had cooked for him—she loved to cook, and she wasn't that bad at it, either. He sliced the lemon in half and carried the halves back to the bathroom.

He handed one of them to her and told her, "Inhale."

Trai breathed in the scent of the lemon a little hesitantly, looking at him like he was a madman. Still, the nausea eased the slightest bit, and she felt better after ten minutes or so. She sighed and said tiredly, "Thanks, Mark."

"No problem." Mark kissed her cheek. "You want to lay down on the couch, watch TV? I can get you crackers or something; they might help your stomach."

Trai gave him a weak smile. "That'd be great, honey. Thank you. Can you help me up?"

Mark took her arm and helped her stand, leading her to the living room, where she lay down and rested her head on the arm of the couch. Mark grabbed her a blanket, draping it over her and making sure she was settled before he disappeared into the kitchen to get her some crackers and ginger ale.

Trai turned on the TV and flipped channels, stopping momentarily on a kids' channel showing cartoons. Her mind drifted, and she again started to wonder and worry about the baby—would everything really be all right? With their financial situation and the state of the loft, how would she and Mark possibly raise a baby?

Would she even be a good mother?

That was what worried her most of all. Even when she'd learned she was pregnant with Grace, she'd worried that if they did indeed keep the baby, she wouldn't be a good mother. Trai had never had the highest opinion of herself, and even having Mark had not changed that—there was a nagging voice in the back of her head telling her she'd be horrible.

Mark set a plate of crackers on the table with a can of ginger ale, startling her out of her thoughts. He glanced at the TV. "Do you normally watch Rugrats?"

Trai raised an eyebrow. "Honey, the fact that you even know this show scares me."

"Cindy has kids!" Mark said, defensively. "She needed me to sit for Jake a few years ago… you have no idea how hard it is to get him to be quiet."

"I liked him," Trai shrugged, having met him at the disastrous Passover ten months before. Jacob, who almost never liked adults, had liked her very much, and they'd played games for a while.

"You don't have to be locked in a house with him for six hours," Mark said, pointedly. He settled into a chair by the couch, smoothing her hair absently as she nibbled a bit at a cracker. Despite that it was a kids' show, they watched anyway, and actually found themselves entertained—Tommy and Angelica were wreaking havoc in the office of Angelica's mother.

Mark glanced away from the TV for a moment to give Trai a smile. "Let's hope our baby's not like that, huh?"

"Yeah," Trai chuckled. She reached out and laced her fingers through his. "Feels weird to say that… 'our baby'…"

"Yeah, it does," Mark agreed. "But, you know I'm happy, right?"

"I know," Trai said softly, rolling over and pulling herself up onto her elbows to kiss him. "There's no one else I would rather do this with."

After a little while she said, "I think I should look for a job… maybe waitressing or something…"

"Are you sure you can handle being on your feet that much?" Mark asked, concerned. He knew that Trai usually found it difficult to stay still, so waitressing would be right up her alley, but he also knew that the amount of stress on her body the last time had been what led to the miscarriage.

Trai nodded. "I think I'll be able to, yeah. For a few months, at least."

"Still, I don't want you to be the only one working. I'll find something," Mark promised. "Maybe Collins could help me out, find me a tech job at NYU or something."

"That'd be good," Trai said encouragingly. "You wouldn't have to stop filming."

Mark nodded. "Though I can't say that's been working out recently. You know it's a sad thing when I've been working on my documentary since… well, since the night I met you. Fourteen months."

Trai shrugged. "Sometimes you hit a block; happens to me too. Luckily Lizzy Bennet, Mr. Darcy, and I have been getting along well." She was referring to her latest book, a sequel to Pride and Prejudice, which she'd called Mr. & Mrs. Darcy. While her other works were erotic in nature, this one was very much a Regency, with almost no sex at all. Therefore, Trai had allowed Mark to read it, or the first draft at least, and he'd very much liked it.

Mark kissed her forehead. "I'll keep hacking away at it. You've helped a lot," he smiled, "for inspiration."

"Good," Trai smiled softly. Then, "You want to call Maureen and Joanne and everyone today?"

Mark nodded. "Yeah, that sounds good. I think Davey and Julia are visiting today, too, so maybe they can come." He was referring to the birth parents of Rachel, the baby Maureen and Joanne had adopted—they'd wanted to keep them involved in Rachel's upbringing.

"Sounds great. I'm going to sleep for a bit, okay?"

"No problem." Mark kissed her again and then took the phone into the kitchen to call Maureen and Joanne.


"It's so weird how much she looks like you," Julia remarked to Maureen as she held Rachel on her hip. "Kind of funny, actually."

Maureen smiled and smoothed out Rachel's dark hair. "Joanne says I don't need another ego boost. But hey, at least she'll be beautiful," she joked, fluffing her dark curls.

The phone rang and Davey, Julia's boyfriend, hopped up to get it—Joanne was out getting baby supplies. "Hello?" He listened for a moment, then said, "Sure, she's right here, Mr. Cohen."

He handed the phone to Maureen. "Mark."

"For the last time, call him that," Maureen admonished lightly before taking the phone and saying brightly, "Hey, Mark!"

"Have I ever mentioned how old being called 'Mr. Cohen' makes me feel?" Mark said on the other end of the line.

"Yes. Many times. Hello to you too, Mark; I'm fine, thank you for asking."

Mark chuckled. "Sorry, Mo. How're Rach and Joanne?"

"Both doing wonderfully. Davey and Julia too. So, why'd you call? Haven't heard from you in a week or two."

"Well, actually, Trai and I have some news. We wanted you and Joanne to come to the loft tonight; tell Davey and Julia they're welcome to come too."

"Oh, sure, then. Sounds great. Everything all right?"

"Everything's fine." She could hear the smile in Mark's voice. "We're all great. Listen, I'll see you tonight, okay?"

"Okay. Bye, Mark."

"Bye, Mo." Mark hung up.


"Hey, guys!" Trai swung open the door for Roger, Mimi, and Lauren that evening. The fatigue and nausea of the morning had dissipated, and she felt a lot better. Still, Roger laughed at her slightly hyper mannerisms and wrapped her in a one-armed hug. "Mark in the kitchen?"

"Yup, he's making snacks for everyone," Trai explained. Roger smiled at her and then disappeared into the kitchen to find Mark.

Trai smiled at Lauren, who was held in Mimi's arms. "Hey, princess!" she cooed. Since Lauren's birth in July, Trai had become really close to her, helping Mimi and Roger take care of her fairly often, stopping only when the miscarriage had happened and then when she'd left for two months. Roger and Mimi considered her an aunt, and Trai loved Lauren dearly.

"You want to hold her?" Mimi smiled. "Might as well practice now, huh?"

"Yeah," Trai laughed, gently taking Lauren into her arms. "She's so beautiful, Meems. I can't say that enough."

"Isn't she?" Mimi played with Lauren's hands. "It's so amazing, Trai, really. You and Mark will love it."

"I know." Trai crossed her legs under her and settled Lauren on her lap. "I really… really hope everything turns out okay," she said quietly.

Mimi squeezed her shoulder. "It'll be fine," she said softly. "You know it will."

Trai glanced away. "I just… I feel like…"

She was cut off by the entrance of Maureen, Joanne, Rachel, Julia, and Davey. Julia and Davey came to gatherings every so often; Julia, Trai, and Mimi had gotten friendly while she had been considering Maureen and Joanne to adopt Rachel. Julia had barely seen Trai since her return, and so smiled and hugged her. "Trai. How're you doing?"

"I'm fine," Trai smiled as Maureen, Joanne, and Davey went to greet Mark, Joanne holding Rachel in her arms. "I'm wonderful, actually."

"That's so great." Julia sat down on the arm of the couch. She'd known Trai was upset about the miscarriage; unfortunately Rachel's birth had happened only a few days afterwards, and Trai had come to the hospital with the rest of the group, looking utterly heartbroken and out-of-place. Julia had felt guilty, and had been shocked to hear that Trai had run away. "Have you and Mark been planning the wedding?"

"We want to wait a little bit," Trai explained. "We're both on a job hunt. But, I just finished the first draft of my new book, so that's definitely something."

Julia grinned. "What's this one about?" She'd read Trai's two other novels while laid up after having Rachel.

"Say hello to the married life of Fitzwilliam Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet," Trai chuckled, motioning to the formidable stack of typewritten pages held together by a binder clip that was lying on the coffee table. "Took me ages to do all the research and read back through every Jane Austen novel ever written to get the feel of it, but I think I've done all right."

"I was starting to worry that I wouldn't measure up to Mr. Darcy," Mark added as he came out to the living room and kissed the top of Trai's head. "Hi, Julia." He greeted Julia with a smile and glanced out into the hallway as he heard voices—Benny and Collins had arrived. Surprisingly, after Angel's death and Benny's divorce from Allison, Benny and Collins had become good friends, usually bonding over the plight of the single New Yorker—something Mark was grateful not to worry about anymore.

"Long time, no see, guys," Mark grinned as Collins embraced him, as usual carrying a bottle of Stoli. Benny and Mark shook hands while Collins went to pour everyone the Stoli; Mark moved everyone into the living room as soon as he'd come back.

Collins started to hand Trai a cup, but she waved a hand with a smile. "Not tonight. Thanks."

Maureen raised an eyebrow and glanced at Mark. "Mark, is…?"

She didn't finish, for Mark had grinned widely and put an arm around his fiancée. "We have an announcement," he smiled, "and you all might've figured, but… Trai and I are going to have a baby."

The response was ecstatic. Mark was heartily clapped on the back by Benny and Collins; the girls all squealed with happiness and started to bombard Trai with questions. Laughing, grinning, Trai held up her hands. "One at a time, please!"

"How long have you known?" was Maureen's.

"Since two nights ago," Trai explained. "We went to the doctor yesterday morning to be sure… and as it turns out, I am," she smiled even wider.

"There's no way you've found this out without having some kind of freak out," Collins chuckled as he glanced at Mark. His good friend did not have the strongest stomach—how Mark would survive in a delivery room was certainly an interesting thought.

Mark groaned. "Can we not think about that, please?"

"Seven and a half months from now, darling, you'd better be conscious in the delivery room." Trai handed Lauren to Mimi and got up, coming behind Mark and wrapping her arms around his waist, kissing a cheek. "Do me a favor, boys. Take him out for a drink or something?"

"I'm fine," Mark protested, but Benny, Roger, and Collins already quite enjoyed this idea. "Trai, I don't—"

"You do," Trai said firmly. "You've been taking care of me all morning and for the last few days. Now go. Spend time with your friends. I'll see you later, love."

Mark sighed and kissed her before finally submitting to being dragged out the door; Davey followed with a good-bye to Julia, telling her he had a paper to write. Trai smiled and shut the door behind him, settling back on the couch.

"So, excited?" Joanne asked her.

Trai nodded. "Very much. I'm… more prepared… this time around."

Julia squeezed her shoulder. "Well, just remember, you have all of us. And I'm sure Mimi and I can answer any questions or something."

"Yeah, that might help. Mark knows some stuff, but he's not exactly an authority. Plus, I don't want to flood poor Dr. Montgomery with questions."

"You'll be a great mom, Trai," Maureen said softly, patting her hand.

Trai sighed. "That's… that's what I'm scared of, really. I don't… even last time, I kept feeling like… like I won't be a good mother. That since I… I lost the baby last time, it'll happen again," she said quietly.

"Now, you know that you'll be a good mom," Mimi said sternly. "You're wonderful with Lauren and Rachel—they love you. You'll be a great mom, and Mark will be a great father—you guys are perfect for each other, and for the baby."

Trai breathed out slowly. "You really think so?"

"I really do," Mimi confirmed gently. "Don't even worry about it."


"Well, well." Isabella, the bartender at the Life, smiled a little as Roger, Benny, and Collins escorted Mark inside. "Haven't seen any of you in a while. What brings ya here?"

"Cohen here's gonna be a father," Roger announced, grinning as Mark blushed furiously.

"Really?" Isabella smiled widely. "Oh, God, Mark, I'm so happy for you. That's incredible." She reached under the bar for a glass and mixed a rum and Coke. "On the house."

"Thanks," Mark smiled a little and took the drink, sipping absently.

"When's your girlfriend due?"

"She's my fiancée, actually, and she's due in early September. We only found out a couple days ago, but we're already pretty excited," he smiled. "Only thing I'm nervous about is the actual birth."

"She's the one who should be nervous, not you," Isabella laughed. "Excuse me for saying so, but they'll probably have to drug you instead of her!"

"Knew there was a reason I liked you, Iz," Roger laughed.

"Thank ya much, darlin'. I got other customers, but if you need me, holler." Isabella winked at Mark and then walked over to another customer.

Mark took another sip of his drink and regarded the bar steadily. "I don't think I'll be a good father," he confessed after a few minutes.

"Why's that?" Benny asked, leaning against the bar.

"I… I don't know. I mean, look at me—I'm twenty-eight, I make films no one bothers to go see, I don't have a job… my mom was right; I've amounted to nothing. I love Trai, I really do, and I love the baby… I just think sometimes that they deserve someone better."

"From the little I know of her, Mark, there's no one better for her than you," Collins told him. "I've seen you two together—you're great with her. And maybe you don't have much right now, but that's not to say that won't change—I mean, you've got a fiancée and a kid on the way. You can't tell me that's not enough for you."

"I know that this freaks you out," Roger added, "and I can understand why; I had the same reaction. But you've wanted this for years, Mark. And you'll definitely be good at it—I've seen you with Lauren."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. Now drink."


Mark came home at around 11:30, a little buzzed but not drunk. Trai was lying awake in bed, looking a little tired but still focusing all her attention on Wuthering Heights, the latest in her "let's reread books I read in high school" project.

"Hey, baby." Mark sat on the bed and kissed her cheek. "How you feeling?"

"Okay. Just wanted to stay up to make sure you got home okay. Did you have fun?"

"It was nice. Isabella says congratulations, by the way."

Trai smiled. "I liked her; I'll have to say hi." Mark and Trai had gone to the Life frequently for dates; Isabella knew them well. "Ask about a job or something."

Mark pulled off his shirt and jeans and folded them into the hamper, getting under the covers in his boxers and pulling Trai close. She set down her book and rested her head on his chest. "You think I'll be a good dad?" Mark asked quietly.

Trai looked up at him. "Of course I do. Why would you think you wouldn't?"

"Just… I've been doubting myself ever since you found out. You know me… I worry."

"You'll be wonderful, Mark, I'm sure of it. Me as a mom, I'm not too sure about, but I know you'll be amazing."

"Hold on; how can you think you won't be a good mom? You're great with kids, Trai, really. I have so much faith in you—you're going to be amazing."

Trai smiled softly. "Why do I have the feeling we'll be running in circles about this for months?"

"Because you know I won't let you say that about yourself."

"Well, I won't let you say anything about yourself either." Trai nuzzled his cheek. "Do me a favor, even if I look disgusting in the next few months, kindly don't mention it?"

"You'll look beautiful," Mark assured her. "Trust me. I know."

"Keep deluding yourself if you wish." She yawned tiredly. "I need sleep, love."

Mark reached over and turned out the light. "Night," he murmured softly. "I love you."

"Love you too, honey. Good night."


A/N- Like I said before, super psyched about all the reviews! Keep 'em coming; I'll be happy, haha.

For anyone who remembers that Rugrats episode, two points, haha! I actually looked up the date it aired and everything; it was right around the date I have down for this chapter :) I grew up with that cartoon, man!

Sundrynotes- Haha, thanks for the enthusiasm :) Well, everything will work out okay, but you know me… I like some drama, so it might take a while.

Srgirl6889- Yup, I had the first chapter written for months, haha! And, uh… oh, dammit, you'll see eventually!!

LifeIsTooQuick- Oh yes, in my plans so far the boho kids have some interesting romantic entanglements (I'm planning on writing a story about the kids if there's enough interest).

Majorlymusicalmarlee- Yay, thanks:) It might. For the most part it'll be happy, but there will be some more serious drama later on.

Reflectionette- Thank you!

Tina101- Much as I love Walt (aka LA Boy), I couldn't bear do that to Mark and Trai. And yep, I've done the same—I was writing a story of mine once, having just come off of reading a book, and I started writing those characters' names only to go, "… Oh yeah. Those aren't mine!"

Grapetheape- Aww, thank you! And yes, there will be happiness. Mostly.

Scififreakmi- I will say that Trai won't miscarry this time, but I am not promising that there will not be drama. That would be too simple. But anyway, it'll be happy for a while :)

Readerfreak10- There will be drama, but I wouldn't dare separate them again. Then I'd be lynched for sure! –wink-

NotEASYbeingGREEN- Haha, have I mentioned how much I love you? Well, here's the update!

Diva Actress- Oh, I do not dawdle, haha! I jump in with both feet when it comes to my stories. Often not knowing where the hell I'm going with them:)

0xRENTxOzxHeadx0- I give great credit to whoever read 25 chapters as fast as you apparently did, haha! Thank you!!

Meagan Shierling- Almost done with the drafting; it's coming along :) Thank you!

Thank you so much for everyone who's already favorited this, and to everyone who added Love For Rent to their favorites after Chapter Twenty-Four. You guys are the best!

Next update soon. Thank you, my loves!

- Sally.