"Everyone wanted me to feed them that story—darkness to light, weakness to strength, broken to whole. I wanted it, too."
John Green, Turtles All the Way Down
Draco is making himself a third mug of coffee (his last two having gone cold before he could even start them) when Hannah Abbott comes into the breakroom looking harried. She makes a beeline for him, sidestepping two candy stripers who are engaged in a loud competition over who has had the worst patients that week.
"Hannah," Draco greets her with a nod, trying to decide whether he wants expired cream or that awful powdery stuff that masquerades as cream in twenty-four hour diners and faculty breakrooms across the world. He and Hannah had dispensed with any schoolyard grudges during their residency; the strongest bonds are often forged from life's greatest difficulties.
She drops a file in front of him on the counter. "You owe me, Draco," she tells him darkly. "Big time."
Draco decides he would rather risk food poisoning than put anything so closely resembling talcum powder in his coffee. "I take it Healer Bollocks was in rare form today, then." Healer Bollocks is a hospital-wide nickname for Sonia Bullock, a particularly tiresome middle-aged mediwizard assistant who handles the record keeping and is astonishingly incompetent.
"Another one of her highland terriers has died," Hannah answers, opening one of the cupboards and going for the staff supply of ready-made pain relief potions. "Winston, rest his soul, is being taxidermied as we speak." She grabs two vials, pops off their corks, and downs them both one right after the other with the air of a narcotics-abusing veteran. "What're you looking at?" she growls at the openly staring candy stripers, who quickly avert their eyes.
"Come now, Abbott, we mustn't frighten the volunteers," Draco chides with little actual conviction, opening the file with one hand and using the other to take a sip of his coffee. He promptly spits the liquid back into his mug and checks the expiration date on the container for the cream again. Last March. "Shite." He dumps the contaminated coffee into the sink.
Hannah rolls her eyes. "God, I don't even want to think about what you'd be like as a surgeon." She takes the expired cream and chucks it into the nearest bin. "That's the Potter file, isn't it?"
Draco nods, picking it up and skimming it. The topmost paper is Potter's psychological evaluation from before he started Auror training; it was standard procedure for all new recruits following the war. It's nearly seven years old now, though.
"Is this about what happened at New Year's?" Hannah asks curiously.
"You know I'm not allowed to answer that," Draco says, regarding her over the top of the file reprovingly.
"Actually, you are," she tells him. "I came in after your shift ended that night, remember? I probably filled out most of the paperwork in there."
Draco doesn't remember, but it's been nearly four months since the incident. "In that case, have you got a moment? I have a few questions."
Hannah shrugs. "Sure. I don't have my group session with the inpatients for another half hour."
They leave the breakroom and go to Draco's broom cupboard of an office, since discussing private information about patients is discouraged in common areas and Potter's is a special case anyway. Draco shuts the door and casts the usual soundproofing charm on the room before taking a seat at his cramped desk. Hannah flops onto the loveseat that takes up the other half of the office, propping up her feet and looking at Draco expectantly.
"What exactly happened at New Year's?" Draco begins, poising himself to make notes.
Hannah frowns. "I'm not sure, to be honest. There was a lot they couldn't tell us. Secret Auror stuff. You know how they can be." She chews on her lip a moment, thinking. "There was an accident with a trainee—that Creevey kid, not the one who died, his brother… Derwent? No… Derek. Dennis! His name's Dennis."
"Derwent?" Draco repeats, arching an eyebrow and smirking.
Hannah puts out her tongue at him. "Anyway, they were on some top-secret mission or something and the kid was hurt. I think he's still down in Spell Damage, actually. There was another trainee that didn't make it. Dunno who it was."
Draco jots this down. "Let me guess—Potter was one of the mentors?"
Hannah looks surprised. "How the hell did you know that?"
"He's always had a hero complex," Draco replies dismissively. "Do you remember the evaluation at all?"
"Yeah, it was awful," she recalls, fiddling with a ring on her index finger. "They asked me to do Harry's first because he'd been knocked out—grazed by a nasty hex in just the right spot. When he came-to they wanted to check how lucid he was. Creevey was his charge. I did Ron's eval after and he told me it wasn't Harry's fault, what happened."
"Weasley was there too?"
"Well, yeah, he's Harry's partner, innee? They're attached at the wand."
Draco does his best not to interpret her usage of the word 'wand' as a euphemism. "Was the trainee that died his—Weasley's, that is?"
"Nah," says Hannah, "that was someone else. Didn't do an eval on whoever it was though; they got sent straight to Spell Damage too. But Harry's evaluation was just bloody heartbreaking. He kept asking where Creevey was, if he was alright. Nobody'd told me anything about Creevey, and the only way I was able to calm Harry down enough to answer questions was promising him I'd get the healer to tell him about Creevey after we'd finished."
It isn't difficult for Draco to put it together from there. A traumatic event like that would almost certainly trigger the kind of behavior Potter is exhibiting now. Frankly, Draco is surprised Potter had managed to pass the prerequisite Auror psych eval in the first place, after everything he went through while they were in school. But he knows delayed reactions are common in patients with psychological trauma. Everything catches up to you sooner or later.
Hannah is sitting up properly again. "So, is he your patient now?"
"Looks like it," Draco replies, finishing off his notes and closing the file again.
"That's mental," Hannah says, and she's genuinely unaware of the irony in her using that phrase. "Harry Potter asking you to be his therapist."
"He didn't," Draco admits against his better judgement. "The Weaslette-in-law twisted my arm."
Hannah's eyes boggle. "Mental," she repeats.
"It's all very hushed up," Draco adds pointedly. Hannah's never been one to gossip about patients, but Harry Potter isn't just any patient.
Hannah shakes her head and gets to her feet. "I've got inpatients. Good luck with all that."
Draco rolls his eyes at her retreating back. "Thanks, Hannah." But he can't blame her for that reaction. Truth be told, he's having a hard enough time wrapping his own head around the concept.
It's true that he and Hannah had managed to put their differences aside during their training together, but Hannah has a forgiving nature and retained her optimistic disposition even after the war finished off her naiveté. Hannah is one of four junior healers to have trained in the psychiatric wing at the same time as Draco, but none of the rest will associate with him beyond the amount that they are contractually obligated to. Draco does not resent them for this. There was, perhaps, a time when he would have, but lately he is too tired to care much what self-righteous people think of him.
Beyond Hannah, he mainly associates with old Slytherin classmates. Most have close family in prison, or else wanted by the government, their fortunes and assets drained by reparations and reconstruction efforts. Half the reason he'd gone into healing was because of them.
He still remembers, with sickening clarity, the night shortly after graduation when Pansy had stumbled into his flat, drunk and hysterical. She'd just been notified that she was to have a hearing because of what she'd said in the great hall the night of the Battle of Hogwarts, something about conspiracy to assassinate the Chosen One. She was terrified of being sent to Azkaban; the dementors weren't removed on humanitarian grounds until Hermione wrote and passed the legislation for it four years later, and he and Pansy had both been forced to watch Goyle dragged away by them, screaming for his mother. Pansy told him through her tears that she would rather kill herself that night than die slowly in Azkaban. If she'd bought herself another shot of firewhiskey instead of coming to Draco, she might have succeeded; her blood alcohol level, when Draco checked it, was extremely high. And early that morning, holding her on the cold floor of his bathroom when she finally fell asleep after hours of vomiting and crying, he had come to the realization that if she had died, nobody would've cared.
Nobody except him.
He had always scorned Potter's sacrificial tendencies as stupidity until it was people he loved on the chopping block. And that makes him a hypocrite, he knows, but until recently he's been able to live with that. It's one thing for guilt to linger under your skin like a bruise that never quite fades, aching dully and reminding him to do better. It's quite another to have to look it in the face, and becoming Potter's therapist requires exactly that.
Dimly, he recalls Mother reading his horoscope this morning at breakfast. "Now is a good time to right past wrongs," she'd intoned. "Put all fears and hesitations behind you. Clearing your conscience will cleanse your soul."
He wonders who comes up with those things, and whether two in a row that are marginally relevant is enough grounds to send whoever it is a strongly worded letter.
Strictly speaking, nobody is supposed to have a favorite patient, but everyone still does. Draco is no exception, though if someone were to ask him directly and he was drunk enough to give an honest answer, he knows that his favorite would surprise most people.
Luna Lovegood has had a weekly appointment with Draco since he finished his residency. In fact, she specifically requested him, which was baffling at the time. Of course, that was before he really knew her. These days it can be difficult to tell which of them is the therapist, but she still comes every Thursday at a quarter past three, and every week Draco takes comfort in the knowledge that there is, at least, one patient he's sure is improving under his care. When Luna started therapy with him, she had panic attacks almost daily. Three years later, they average once a month, and her ability to cope with them on her own has gotten considerably better.
But, like all patients, Luna still has rough patches, and it would seem that today she's in the middle of a very rough patch. They've been expecting this; it's late March, and the anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts is a month and a bit away. It's a time rife with triggers for people like Luna.
"How're you feeling today?" Draco asks after they've sat in silence for three minutes.
Luna, who hasn't looked him in the eye since he fetched her from the waiting room, glances up at him reproachfully. "What do you think?"
"Doesn't matter what I think," Draco says without missing a beat.
She is quiet for a moment, but he knows by the look on her face that she's merely trying to decide how to say what she wants to say. She finally speaks, addressing her knees. "It's over now," she says quietly. "The war. Nearly seven years now."
"Yes," says Draco.
"But it's also not," she adds. She looks frustrated, her pale eyebrows knitted together as though she's been puzzling over a difficult homework assignment for weeks and still has yet to understand.
He tilts his head. "How do you mean?"
"The war," says Luna, and she looks up at him with her very round, very blue eyes. "It hasn't really ended. Not for us. It just carries on. People all crowd the streets every year on the second of May and they shoot sparks from their wands and they get horrendously drunk and they act like they're celebrating a victory, but that's not what it is. It's a ceasefire."
If you enter the field of psychology with an ounce of empathy, there will be many times when you encounter a patient whose words will settle in the pit of your stomach like lead. Anyone who tells you that you'll get used to it is lying, in Draco's opinion. You never get used to the sight of other people's suffering, and you never should. What you do get used to is discovering that, despite your many years of study, your qualifications, and your experience, you have no idea what to say.
So he says the only thing that makes sense to him: "You're right."
She looks a little surprised. He normally doesn't agree with her gloomier thought processes, at least not out loud.
"A lot of people tend to see their lives in terms of before and after," he tells her. "It's a common response to big life events, milestones, that sort of thing. There's before and after you lose your first baby tooth, before and after you get married, before and after the divorce, the accident, the death of someone close to you. It makes everything sort of clean cut, doesn't it? Clearly definable, black and white: this is me before, this is who I was before, and then a change took place and now I am me in the aftermath.
"But it's not like that. Life isn't one set of clearly definable plot points, like a book or a film. It's not before and after; it's during. Once something ends physically, people expect it to end in every other way too. They don't think about the consequences of the thing having happened in the first place. It's like an earthquake; it ends, and the buildings stop crumbling, but the aftershocks can still knock you off your feet. And even when the ground shakes for the last time, you're the one who's stuck rebuilding everything that came crashing down around you."
Luna blinks at him, mulling over his words. She poses her next question to her trainers. "I guess I just want to know," she says, "if you think rebuilding is even possible."
"I do," says Draco. "Well, in theory."
That catches her attention, and she looks up at him again, bewildered.
He smiles tiredly. "I know you won't have the same house you did before," he tells her. "If I ever find out what mine looks like when it's finished, you'll be the first to know."
She smiles back, a hesitant thing, as if she's trying to remember how. She smiles so rarely of late that to have coaxed even half of one out of her on a day like this is worth more than he feels he deserves.
The conundrum of the therapist is to be the epitome of preaching without practice, and they're often guiltier of this sin than any Christian. Several times a day, Draco reflects with profound relief that his patients do not model themselves after any example he sets outside of his tiny office at St. Mungo's.
He steps out of the fireplace and into his flat, situated in one of the dodgier parts of Diagon Alley. He can breeze right on through from the kitchen to his room on the opposite end in about twelve good strides, but it only takes three to get to the liquor cabinet. He settles in his usual chair with a double vodka on the rocks (he doesn't have the patience right now for delayed gratification), kicks off his shoes without even bothering to undo the laces, and shuts his eyes.
"Say what you want about the Russians," a familiar voice drawls, "when it matters most, they get straight to the point."
Draco is startled, but his body is too exhausted to react. He does, however, manage to pry open his eyes again. "Evening, Blaise. To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"Society's backwards belief that people are only allowed to drink at certain times of the day." Blaise hasn't bothered with a glass, instead drinking directly out of the bottle of whiskey that he'd gifted Draco last Christmas. "Apparently no one in this godforsaken country will serve alcohol before noon."
"It's seven o'clock."
"Yeah, well, I passed safe apparition levels by the time it was socially acceptable to be drinking again."
Suddenly put off his drink, Draco sets his glass aside and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Have you been here all day?"
"Probably," says Blaise, unconcerned.
"What's going on?"
Blaise looks at him suspiciously. "Are you going to do therapy on me?"
Draco slides the bottle from Blaise's unresisting hand; he's easy enough to handle if you can distract him. "I don't even know what that means."
"You are, aren't you? Merlin's bloody blue balls, Draco, I'm not one of your fucking strays."
This would've packed more of a punch if Blaise hadn't made similar protestations about Draco's career choices, both drunk and sober, at least once a week since they'd graduated. "You only drink when something's bothering you," he points out.
"And at parties."
"Especially at parties," Draco agrees, "because you hate them."
Blaise falls into a disgruntled silence as Draco returns the bottle of whiskey to its place and spends several weary moments try to decide if it would be worth the trouble to funnel his vodka back into the bottle. In the end he compromises, taking two hearty swallows and dumping the rest down the drain. He's still gripping the counter and reeling slightly as alcohol hits him, when Blaise asks from somewhere behind him, "When did you know?"
Draco turns. Blaise is looking at him intently, his eyes piercing even in his state. "When did I know what?"
"That you were gay."
"Bleeding hell," Draco swears, more loudly than he'd intended. He lowers his voice. "Why?"
"Are you seriously going to make me answer that?"
This is uncharted territory. Draco's been out to friends and family for about four years now, but it isn't exactly something he discusses very often, and never with Blaise. He's starting to regret pouring out his drink. He sits back down in his chair, facing Blaise, and after making several attempts to speak, he blurts possibly the least helpful thing he could've said in this scenario. "It's not me, is it?"
Blaise rolls his eyes so aggressively that he could've been having a seizure. "No, moron. I tend to develop feelings for people that are emotionally available."
You ought to try that sometime, says the voice in Draco's head, and he ignores it. "I suppose… have you ever looked at a guy and just found him particularly annoying for some reason you couldn't quite put your finger on, only to realize that everything about him that annoys you is something you like?"
Blaise considers this. "I'm fucked, aren't I?"
Draco shrugs. "I feel obligated to point out that drunk in someone else's flat is probably not the most ideal time to figure this out."
"That's where you're wrong. I can't be honest with myself at home and sober."
"Did you ever consider that maybe that's the problem?"
"Briefly," Blaise says, even though he hasn't.
Draco ends up putting Blaise to bed in his room and sleeping on the sofa, his feet hanging off the end. His back won't thank him in the morning, and neither, he reflects, will Blaise. He wonders if Blaise will even remember their conversation in the morning; he's always been a surprisingly articulate drunk, which makes it difficult to gauge how far gone he is.
When had he known he was gay? It hadn't been a single moment of revelation for him, but a million little things: his fierce love and protectiveness of Pansy that had never grown into something more for either of them, despite their reputation for being extremely affectionate with one another; the fact that, in the end, he'd always liked Pansy's boyfriends more than Pansy did herself; and of course, there was Potter.
Potter had been a problem from the moment they started school together, and he had only succeeded in becoming more of a nuisance the older they got. Even when Draco had realized his true feelings, they'd been easy to write off; a schoolboy crush and nothing more. It wasn't until the final battle, when everyone had seen Hagrid carrying Potter's apparently dead body back to the castle, that Draco realized just how badly off he was when it came to loving him.
Because Draco had known all his life that the worst thing that could possibly happen was for Harry Potter to die, but it wasn't until that moment that he realized that, for him, it wasn't because Harry Potter was going to save the world.
He rolls over onto his side in a futile attempt to make himself more comfortable. Of course, he's had to put all that aside now. Can't be someone's therapist properly if there's that much conflict of interest. The fact that he's been treating old classmates alone would be enough to give most Muggle psychologists pause, but he has little choice about that.
He still doesn't understand why Hermione had come to him, and not Hannah, or their department head, or literally anyone else. Of course, he's often surprised by the number of people who do approach him looking for help, because there seems to be this common misconception among the general public—and hell, his own friends and family—that he's getting on quite well. In a lot of ways, he is; he's not breaking into his friends' flats and stealing what little alcohol they have, he doesn't lie awake at night in tears, he's still going to work every day and paying his bills and fulfilling his responsibilities. On the surface, in every way that counts, he's okay, and okay may not be euphoric or even particularly interesting, but it's better than dead.
Mostly, he's tired. That's what depression is for him, an inexplicable, persistent exhaustion that seeps into his bones and heart and soul. He can carry on as a sleepwalker—he has done for quite some time now—but it's not sustainable in the long run. Eventually his time will run out and sleep will take him forever, but by then he knows he'll be so thoroughly worn that he'll welcome the release.
Draco wants to be the man that was written about in the papers, the prodigal son redeemed by the grace of a forgiving world, but he knows that the truth is rarely so simple. The world is not a forgiving place and he cannot earn redemption from it if he tries for the rest of his life.
