Disclaimer: I own nothing, not Buffy, not Spike, nothing….but you knew that
Neither one of them said a word as they walked back to the house. Spike walked quietly, head down with his arms to the side as his worn leather duster fluttered behind him. The rain was blurring his vision slightly but his eyes would turn to her every few seconds as they walked, taking her in. Taking in her beauty, her grace, but also something new that was there.
She was vulnerable, everything about her was different. He didn't understand what it was in her that he was seeing but he sure as hell didn't like it. It scared him. Yes, scared HIM- Spike, former big bad himself.
Buffy walked hugging herself with her arms as she went, trying to keep her shivering down. She was cold and wet, yes, but that wasn't the worse of it. She was tired and hurt. She didn't feel like she had it in her anymore. This was bad.
As they reached the front porch Spike moved ahead to open the door for her.
"Don't worry love, we'll get you warmed up right quick."
Buffy walked in, not responding at all. She seemed to be almost in a state of shock.
The house was quiet and empty. Too empty. The others-those who weren't hurt or dead, she thought- had all decided to stay at the hospital. She should have too, but she couldn't stand it in there any longer. Couldn't stand to look at Xander, couldn't stand to think of the faces that were missing.
Spike helped her out of her jacket and pulled a throw blanket off of the sofa in the living room, wrapping it tight around her as he faced her. Her eyes were empty…cold.
She grasped the edges of the blanket and looked up into his eyes, "Thank you Spike," she said, as she lowered her eyes to the floor.
Spike fought his compulsion to kiss her. His urges were too strong and this wasn't the right time. There might not ever be a right time again. He didn't know how to respond, didn't know what to say. He simply nodded his head in acknowledgement and said, "why don't you go up to bed and get some rest love."
She headed up the stairs before turning around to watch him leave towards the basement. She stared at the empty spot where he had been a moment ago for a long while before heading to her room.
**********
Hours later Buffy lay in her bed. Not moving, not thinking, just staring up at the ceiling. She couldn't sleep or breathe, or do much of anything. She was losing it. She needed…something. She felt empty.
She got up out of bed and headed down the stairs to the first floor. She stopped a moment, not really sure where she was heading or what it was she planned to do.
Without thinking she grasped the door handle leading to the basement and opened the door. She paused again before slowly walking down the stairs.
Spike was in his bed, but she couldn't tell if he was sleeping or not. She silently tip toed over to his bed and lay down next to him. She wrapped her arm around his body and lay her head on his chest.
"Buffy?" Spike stirred from his sleep and wrapped his arms around her seemingly frail body. "You okay love?"
"Couldn't sleep…you mind if I…"
Spike held her tight against him and moved her face up to him as he kissed her softly on the lips.
"No need to ask, pet. You know your place is right here by me."
Buffy was taken aback by the kiss. It stirred something deep inside of her that had been longing for him for so long. She was overcome with emotion from all that had happened. She looked into his eyes and saw something warm in them that had once been icy blue.
Buffy thought of something then, something she had known for a long time. She could always fool everyone around her, including herself, but not Spike. She could never hide from him. He knew her; understood her on a level that no one else would ever reach. She stretched herself up and kissed him once on the forehead before moving her lips down his face to kiss him on either cheek.
Finally her lips found his and they were entwined in a kiss. Spike's body was tightening as her kisses became more powerful, more desperate.
Regaining his composure he softly lifted her face away from his, "You've finally come to claim what's yours, pet. Say the words, I've got to hear them." He said as he looked deep into her eyes.
"You know I…" Buffy hesitated a moment, she was scared to open herself up after so much. It was hard to let him in, after all they'd been through- all she'd been through. It seemed she always went from hurt to more hurt.
"Buffy," he said as he ran his fingers through her long blond tresses, "I want you…more than ever, and I need you love, but if you're hurting…well then…this won't make it go away. I don't want to make things worse for us then they already are…"
Buffy rolled her body on top of his, caressing his face as she continued to look into his eyes. Her fingers caressed every crevice of his face, taking him in as if for the first time. In that moment everything else ceased to exist because she knew that in the end it would come down to just the two of them.
No matter who else was around them, this was what the end was about, and she didn't care anymore. Whether she won or lost, she would have this moment in her heart forever, however long that might be, and she would take it with her and she would treasure it, because tonight they would make love and she knew he meant it, and he would know too.
"Spike…I love you…"
