Title: Sharp hints of tears - Losing myself again
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se
Pairing: Lorelai/Max, Lorelai/Luke
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: Can a kiss change everything?
AUTHORS NOTE: Lorelai and Max has been married for about a year.
Rory is still Rory..No Jess, though.
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
THANK YOU: Sandra, Sandra, Sandra..what can I say besides thank you..
You're my hero...!:)
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"This is what I vow;
He shall have my heart to keep,
Sweetly will we stir and sleep,
All the years, as now.
Swift the measured sands may run;
Love like this is never done;
He and I are welded one:
This is what I vow.

This is what I pray:
Keep him by me tenderly;
Keep him sweet in pride of me,
Ever and a day;
Keep me from the old distress;
Let me, for our happiness,
Be the one to love the less:
This is what I pray."
(From "Somebody's Song" by Dorothy Parker )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sharp hints of tears (2/3)
Losing myself again
by: Jessica
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six months earlier
------------------
I don't know how long I stood there staring at that sign.
The first thought that flew through my mind was that it was a joke.
It had to be.
I prayed that it had to be.
But I knew the truth.
I had heard it been spoken about in all corners of this
small town.
But I didn't believe.
Until now.
Until I stood there in front of his door.
He was gone.
Luke Danes had left Stars Hollow.
Just like that.
He had just closed the diner, picked up his things and left.
No goodbyes.
Not even a word.
He had just left.
Like I meant nothing.
He didn't even say goodbye.
I stood there a long time while the rain came rolling in.
Then I moved.
I dared to move.
To go back to the man that I clung to.

The house was still as I fumbled with the keys and opened
the front door.
I had walked through the streets of this town searching for
something that I feared naming.
Something to kill those voices that whispered in my head.
Trying to find direction.
Trying to find a way to steady my heart.
But I found nothing.
My legs felt weak as I climbed the stairs to my bedroom.
To our bedroom.
My hands trembled as I opened the door.
He was sleeping with his back turned towards the door.
Max.
My husband.
My sweet, loyal husband.

I lingered in the doorway trying desperately to calm
my beating heart.
Trying not to feel the pain that ripped at my soul.
Trying to steady myself.
DID YOU THINK HE WOULD STAY WITH YOU FOREVER?
Yes.
No.
I don't know.
I never thought it could hurt so.
Him leaving.

I moved closer to the bed.
The rain had passed by an hour later and made the pavement outside
shine like silver.
It felt like my whole body was breaking apart all at once.
I never knew pain like that.
Never.
It shouldn't feel like this.
He was just Luke.
A friend.
The moon graced me with its presence in the room as I peeled
of my clothes.
I needed sleep.
It would be better in the morning.
It had to be.
I laid down my broken body besides him in the bed.
I felt so cold.
I moved closer to him.
To the warmth of his body.
Max.
He moved in his sleep.
Wrapping his arms around me.
Pulling me towards him.
I didn't object.
I need the comfort of his arms.
I inhaled the scent of him and I prayed the nearness of
him would erase the voices that screamed in my head.
The longing in my heart.
For another.
FOOL!

---------------------------------
Days became weeks and weeks became months.
I rose everyday.
I kept living my life in the house that I loved so.
With the man I had given my heart.
And the daughter I would lay down my life for.
The voices that once screamed in my head became muffled scream and
eventually they died away.
Only to be replaced by the need to find peace.
I searched for something.
Anything.
To calm my heart.
To mend my heart.
But I found nothing.
But I did as I always have done.
I brushed my scares aside and focused on other things.
My family.
The Inn.
I did everything.
Fighting a fight with my heart.
A battle between my head and heart.

Months flew by.
Spring made everyone in Stars Hollow shine.
For me life continued as usual.
I walked past the closed diner every day.
And every day I kept hoping to see the sign
telling me it was open.
But it never did.
And eventually I stopped walking by.
I stopped hoping.
I tucked the memories of him away in a safe place
far away in the depth of my heart.
He was a thing of the past.
Part of my past.
Where he belonged.
----------------------------------------------
He came back one warm summers night in the middle
of July.
I heard in the way of Babette.
I didn't believe her at first.
I was so convinced that he would stay away that I didn't
even wanted to hear her.
But I went anyway.
I went for a walk.
I stood there in the doorway to the kitchen telling him
that I was just going for a walk.
I could see the look up on his face.
Max.
Something in his eyes knew.
Just knew.
He could read the truth in me.
And for a moment I feared that he might knew
the whole truth.
A truth I didn't even dare to whisper to my own heart.
He didn't say anything.
He just sat there.
At our kitchen table.
Our eyes met.
I saw sorrow there.
In his eyes.
But I called it my imagination and brushed it aside.
Then I walked away.
Out of that house.
--------------------------------
I set out to find him.
Luke.
The man that slipped through my hands.
A friend.
I walked towards the diner.
I had prepared a speech.
I had gone over it time and time again in my head.
I had molded the words to fit perfectly.
Determined to show him that he had done me wrong.
That he wasn't a good friend.
But as I stood there in front of his door all those
words went out the window.
All I wanted was to see him.
His smile.
Him.
Luke.
My hands trembled a bit as I knocked on the door to
the diner.
Then he appeared.
He opened the door slowly and gave me a smile.
A wonderful smile.
He should smile more.
That was the first thought that ran through my mind.
Not anger.
Not pain.
Just his smile.
Then I was in his arms.
He spun me around.
Laughing.
Saying my name.
Telling me that he had missed me.
He smelled like soap and hamburgers.
He put me down in the middle of the diner and looked at me.
"Nice to see you, Lor."
He seemed bigger.
Stronger.
His skin was painted darker by the sun.
He was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt.
With his trademark cap.
I couldn't help but smile.
"Lukas.."
He laughed.
"So."
"SO."
"Want coffee?"
"Sure."
That was all that I was able to say.
I had prepared myself for this.
For our first encounter.
I had prepared myself for everything.
Besides this.
I never thought we could go back to this.
Guess, I was wrong.
I sat down at the counter.
He grabbed the coffeepot and filled a cup.
"I prepared a pot, just in case.."
He smiled at me.
He had changed.
He looked younger.
Happier even.
And I wondered what had happened.
What had made that change in him?
"Good, you never know who might be coming around."
"You never know..."
"So."
"SO...What's up? How's everyone? Rory."
"Oh, she's the same. I had to buy her another bookcase last month.."
"Oh..And Sookie.."
"She's driving me crazy as usual..But I love her anyway.."
"Yeah.."
Silence.
I drank my coffee.
Trying to find the right words.
Trying to find something to say.
"Taylor..And Kirk..What about them?"
"The same...Taylor..he never change..And Kirk.the same.."
"So nothing has changed since I left."
His last words died away.
Left.
The question screamed in my ear.
To ask why.
Why.
"No."
That was all I was able to say.
"Good."
I finished my coffee.
Our eyes met.
"Want more?"
"Why?"
That word got away from me.
"Why what?"
I faced him this time.
I didn't back away.
"Why did you leave, Luke?"
He looked at me and I tried to read what he was thinking.
But I found nothing.
It was like trying to see through stone.
"Because."
"Because, what?"
"Because I wanted to."
"You have never been the one who travels."
"I travel."
"Oh, don't give me that."
I rose.
My heart was beating like crazy."
"I do."
"HAH, Going to Hartford isn't traveling."
"What about it? What's it to you why I left?"
Those words hurt more than I thought was possible.
I almost stumbled.
But I refused to show how much it hurt.
"How can you say that? We are friends, remember? And friends
tell each other when they are about to leave and stay away for
six, god damn months!"
"Don't scream.."
He came out behind the counter and walked towards me.
"I do what ever I want. You are not the boss of me!"
"God knows.."
Our eyes met.
"Tell me..Just tell me Luke..Why?"
Silence.
He stood before me.
This man.
My friend.
This man I had depended on for so long.
The one that was a big part of my life.
"I just had too."
"You didn't even say goodbye."
"I wanted to, believe me."
"Am I no one to you? Am I so unimportant that you don't even bother
to say goodbye?"
"God, no..Lorelai..Don't even think that.."
He moved closer.
I backed away.
I couldn't hide the pain this time.
It came crawling back.
Tucking at my heart.
Causing me to fall.
Tears made my eyes blurry.
Tears for him.
For a heart I couldn't control.
"You didn't write. Not even called."
"I wanted to. Believe me. I started to write but I didn't know what
to say to you..I still don't."
"You just had to pick up the phone and dial my number."
"I know."
He reached for me.
But I slipped from my hand."
"But you didn't even bother to do that.."
"Lorelai..I couldn't..."
Our eyes met.
"Luke.."
"I couldn't do that..Lorelai..Because..I thought..You.."
"What?"
"For god's sake..Lor..You had Max.."
"That doesn't mean..I don't want you in my life."
"Please.."
"No. We are friends, remember.."
"You keep telling me that."
"Yeah.."
I took his hand in mine and looked at him.
His hand was warm in mine.
"I can't, Lor..Not anymore."
His eyes bore the marks of pain as he looked at me.
"What do you mean?"
"I can't do this anymore. I thought I could. I was so convinced
that I could make things right if I just put some distance between
us. But I was wrong."
"I don't understand."
He broke free from me and turned away from me.
"You never do."
Silence lingered between us.
He walked away from me.
"Talk to me Luke, please..."
"How can I make you see something you don't want to?"
"What?"
"I tried to put an ocean between us. I thought time might help me.
But I couldn't..."
He turned towards me.
His eyes were dark as he spoke.
"You are inside of me, now."
"Luke..."
"I hear your voice inside of my head."
I just stood there, trying to find something to say.
"You are everywhere. I went around the world trying to chase you
away. I tried.."
He moved closer to me.
Slowly.
"But I couldn't....But I have made peace with the truth now..."
"What truth?"
"The truth that I can't have you..."
"Oh...."
"I have tried to deny it for so long. For years I tried to convince
my foolish heart that it was nothing than friendship I wanted with
you..But I can't..anymore..You are everywhere..In my dreams...
And it's so painful to know that I can never have you...."
"Luke..don't.please.."
Silence.
He looked at me.
With those eyes.
"Why did you come here tonight, Lorelai? To torment me?"
"No. Of course not."
Closer now.
So close that I almost could pick up the slightest whiff of his
scent.
"Then why?"
"Because I wanted to know why."
"Now you know.."
He stood before me.
Pride in his eyes.
He rose that wall once again.
I could almost see it.
"Please, Luke...All I want..."
"Want what? To be 'friends'?"
"Please..."
"I can't do that.."
He moved away from me.
My voice was just barely a whisper as I spoke.
Tears marked my face.
"I can't let you go..."
He turned towards me.
"You have to..."
Silence.
We stood there.
Two lost souls in a diner.
While the moon came rolling in.
"Please, Luke..I need....You.."
He moved so fast.
I never had a change to react.
Then I was in his arms.
He pulled me towards him.
Then heaven came with all its glory.
His lips find its way to mine.
Then I was lost.
I lost myself in a haze of sensations.
He had no mercy as he made me crumble in his arms.
As our tongues met all sanity went out the window
and I fell into him.
Suddenly he moved away.
Pushing me away.
Soothing away the fire.
He stumbled backwards.
Looking me with those eyes.
I stood there trembling.
"Lorelai..."
A voice brought me back.
Another voice.
He stood in the doorway.
In the doorway to the diner.
The man I married.
Max.
Our eyes met.
And I knew.
I could almost hear it.
How his heart shattered into millions of tiny pieces.
No words were spoken.
He just looked at me.
Then he turned around and walked away from me.
And left me there with a beating heart and the taste of
another man still lingering on my lips.

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FEEDBACK j_rothen@yahoo.se

The last part is called "To let go" and deals with the events after
the kiss and what path she will take.
But also Luke's whole point of view I think..I'm not sure about that...
We'll see...