Many thanks to the wonderful readers and reviewers that took precious time out of their day to give me feedback. Without that response it's extremely difficult to continue with a story. So let me know if you have any suggestions or criticisms.
Unfortunately, updates may take time, and they will not be daily. I am in college and I do, occasionally, have to study and do work. I hope you accept my lengthy 2nd chapter as a thank you for your devotion to this story. I poured my heart into it tonight. It is my gift to you.
My thanks also go to YT user fuzzle15 for creating an Emily/Paige fanvid that introduced me to the song "Poison and Wine" by The Civil Wars. I highly suggest you either watch the video or listen to the song before you read this. I listened to it while writing it and I mention it in the chapter. Trust me… it will put you in the perfect mood for reading about love 3
Cheers
Each girl took staggering breaths, intentionally preventing their breathing from falling in sync with one another. There was something far too intimate about functioning biologically at the same moment in time. Yet despite their every effort, their breaths still shared the same air. In this moment—they were still together. They were present in each other's lives, and consequently, they were affecting one another—in the most beautiful way. Emily loosened her grip on the steering wheel, blaming her sweaty palms on the tension of driving in the dark. Paige rolled down the window ever so slightly, implying that the rising temperature inside the car was a function of Emily's inability to understand the heat settings, rather than her own nervous state.
Apart from the occasionally whir of an oncoming car, the passing moments were met with relative silence. Yet the silence transcended any awkward notion, and it was more appreciated than not. The real culprit of the uncomfortable aura was the emotional dichotomy that flooded the hearts of the two girls. The instant Paige allowed Emily to lead her to the passenger side of the car she regretted it. Emily was so intimidating. Yet, the redhead couldn't think of any other place in this world that she would rather be. For Emily is was a far different battle. Her feelings for her fellow teammate were suddenly overshadowed by her broken heart still aching for her physically, and now, emotionally distant girlfriend… or ex-girlfriend, really. Honestly, Emily had no idea where she stood in Maya's eyes. She was the first girl that had ever really loved her back. You never forget your first…
Paige's hand instinctively reached for the power button on the car stereo.
"Let's see what kind of sappy main-stream crap you listen to, Fields."
Yet the sounds that filled the car were a surprise to other girl. A slow melodic piano intro led into the unmistakably beautiful harmony of a male and female voice. It was relaxing and it was invigorating,
I don't love you but I always will.
Two seemingly independent hearts began to beat faster, creating their own sense of harmony.
I don't love you but I always will
I don't actually LOVE Emily Fields, do I?
I don't love you but I always will
I certainly don't LOVE Paige, do I?
She wanted to hate Paige McCullers. Oh, how she desperately wanted to hate her… but she couldn't. Because Emily knew that somewhere deep down in her fragile heart, she loved that girl. She loved her brokenness. She loved her vulnerability. She loved her because Emily loved herself. And looking at Paige, all Emily Fields could see was her own, lonely past.
She could hate her for being a bitch. She could hate her for trying to drown her own sexuality by literally threatening to drown Emily. But, at the end of the day, Emily couldn't hate Paige for the feelings that were in her heart. She was in pain—the same pain that had plagued Emily for years, and it was her duty to love this girl in the best way that she knew how. Maybe they would just stay friends. Maybe it could one day be more. But for now, all she could do was be present.
After the song had ended, Emily took the opportunity to make a judgment call.
"I think it's about time we head back."
Confused and possibly hurt, Paige whispered, "I thought you wanted to talk"
"It can wait."
"So what was tonight all about then?"
Emily took a moment to gather her thoughts into the most honest but gentle answer that she could fathom. "I just wanted you to know that I care about you."
"Why?" Her inquiry was blunt, and it was Emily's turn to be confused.
"Why do I want you to know? Or why do I care about you?
"Both… I guess"
She took an even lengthier moment to gather her thoughts again and began, "I don't know—maybe because I get it." She paused to glance over at Paige then returned her eyes to the road.
"I get what it's like to have overbearing parents. I get what's it's like to hate yourself for the way that you feel. I get it. And so I care about you. You should know that."
Seconds ticked away as neither girl was sure about pushing this further. Finally, Paige broke the silence. "Even though you don't want to talk about it, can I ask you something?"
"Of course."
"What about the kiss?" The question caused Emily to shift uncomfortably from the other side of the car.
"Well…you are a really good kisser." She shot a coy glance over to Paige.
The young girl felt a blush rise up from deep inside her. I can't believe Emily Fields thinks that I'm a good kisser. "That's not what I meant, Fields. I meant what about us?"
The brunette exhaled deeply through her nose and reached to turn the volume on her stereo down.
"Listen, Paige. It's complicated, ok." Her words were gentle and vulnerable. "I still don't know where I stand with my girlfriend… or ex-girlfriend… or whatever. And, so, that kind of puts me in a position where I certainly couldn't give you the type of relationship that you deserve. Not to mention… we're sort of dysfunctional."
With that last line Paige failed to stifle a snort the escaped from her nose. "Yeah, we are sort of dysfunctional, aren't we?"
Emily grinned in relief as Paige continued, "So… friends?"
"I'd like that."
Another comfortable silence fell over them as they pondered the true consequences of their new pact.
"So, would you like me to take you home?"
Emily was met with an awkward hesitation, and she could have sworn that she saw a tear form in the other girl's eye.
"Paige, what's wrong?" She asked concerned. But Emily knew what the problem was. How can I make her go home to such an awful father, especially after all that we've been through tonight?
Unsure of how to articulate her offer, Emily opted for the straightforward route, "You're coming home with me tonight."
"What about your mom?" The unavoidable question.
"Just let me take care of that, ok." But how was she going to explain this one to her mom. This might push her trust too far…
When they arrived home, Pam Fields had long been asleep. The night was an emotionally exhausting one, and she trusted that her daughter would find herself safely home.
Emily put her finger to her lips in an effort to silence the other girl as they made their way up the stairs. However, the darkened hallway proved to be a challenge for the newcomer and she tripped on almost every other step. Without a second thought, or really, even a first thought, Emily reached for Paige's hand and led her into the unknown, never letting go of her grip on the now trembling girl.
Desperately trying to suppress the fantasy-esque nature of the moment, Paige focused on not causing too much noise in the sleeping house. Yet, she couldn't help the slight gasp that escaped from her lips when she felt Emily's mouth near her ear.
"If you trip one more time, I'm going to hog-tie you and carry you over my shoulder the rest of the way."
The implications of being tied up by Emily Fields and the don't-make-me-throw-you-over-my-shoulder glare that accompanied the girl's words warranted the adorably devious grin that emerged on Paige's face.
Dear sweet Jesus, I'm flirting with Paige McCullers.
When they arrived in Emily's room, Paige took a moment to quickly scan the room for a deeper look into the soul of the girl that stole her heart. But this was not the time to look like a creeper, and she made a mental note to take a closer look when she was alone in the room.
As if reading her mind, Emily took the opportunity to discuss the sleeping arrangements for that evening.
"Ok, so, you can have my bed and I'm going to go sleep downstairs on the couch. Please don't object, and please don't feel like you're putting me out of my bed, because I want you to be as comfortable as possible." Emily's words seemed so desperate…
Oh Emily, I'd be more comfortable if I was sleeping in your arms.
Emily had a feeling that Paige had never been afforded the opportunity to fall asleep in the arms of someone that cared about her, but unfortunately, this was not the time to offer that comfort.
"It's not that I don't feel comfortable sleeping with you, Paige. It's just… my mom is still pretty weird about this whole gay thing…well… and the whole you thing."
Is she reading my mind?
"…And I'm pretty sure she would freak out real bad if she found us in bed together tomorrow morning. And then breakfast would be really awkward."
Paige grinned at Emily's attempt to lighten the mood.
"Why don't you go get ready while I make up my bed down stairs. There are shorts and t-shirts in the 2nd drawer, an extra toothbrush in the closet in the bathroom, and if you need anything else just ask. I'll come check on you before I go to bed." Emily gracefully slipped out of the room before Paige could even close her gaping mouth
Why is she being so damn nice to me?
It only took Paige a few minutes to get ready for bed and find her way under the covers. She took this opportunity to resume her investigation of the room. It was simple enough, but Paige could see a deeper meaning behind the order. This was Emily's sanctuary. This was where she escaped her family and escaped the cruelest parts of the world. And for the first time in an extremely long while, Paige felt safe here in Emily's bed.
Emily knocked lightly on the door and when no response was heard she simply slipped back into her room. The sight before her caused her breath to catch. There was something about the way that Paige looked in her bed that made it seem like she belonged there. The revelation was a shocking one.
Gathering her wits, Emily made her way over to her bed and slowly sat down on the mattress next to Paige.
"Paige, are you asleep?"
Silence.
"Paige, I know you're not asleep."
"Fine, Fields, what do you want?" The girl sarcastically threw out as she turned to face her new friend.
"How long are you going to keep up this tough girl act?" She teased playfully as she tucked a stray stand of hair behind Paige's ear.
As long as you make me feel the way that you do.
"Well anyway, I just wanted to say good night."
With that she leaned down and placed a gently kiss on Paige's cheek. It wasn't desperate like their first kiss or suggestive like their playful flirting. It was just Emily being Emily and Paige being Paige. Broken. Lost. Alone. Together.
"Good night, Fields."
Emily rose from the bed and made her way to the door, turning the handle and starting out.
"Oh and Paige?" She paused turning toward the girl in her bed. "Stop calling me Fields."
They offered each other an understanding smile and parted ways.
Each girl fell asleep to the revelation that loving someone isn't merely an obstacle to be overcome.
It's the answer on the other side.
