I wanted to kill Alenko for the things he said on Horizon.
Not that I usually let some pipsqueaks' naive ideals rub me the wrong way. But something about the way he spoke to Shepard made my blood boil. It would have been all too easy to pay him the same favor we had the Collectors. It was what we did to anyone who stood in our way, and it was clear that Alenko wasn't on our side, not anymore. He was just as bad as the Council. Aw hell, I can go on justifying it all day. Wouldn't do any good, though.
It felt dirty, wrong, but I couldn't keep my eyes off the Commander. Any decent person - any sane person would have turned away to give the two love birds some privacy. And in my defense, I did, at the start. When he first appeared and started talking about Shepard in that gooey hero worship voice of his, I wanted to be anywhere but in that courtyard.
Oh sure, we all knew about the Commander and Alenko back in the old days. Hard to be in a confined space like a star ship and not know everyone else's business. But the only time I ever had to witness the foolishness was when she saved him on Virmire. I remember being torn then, worried that Shepard was losing her edge, making choices based on her feelings and not on the ruthless - but efficient - way she did things any other day. When Alenko argued with her back on the Normandy that she should have saved Williams and not him, I was inclined to agree with him. I always liked Ashley. She had an itchy trigger finger, just like me. Alenko was always a little too in love with the Alliance for my taste. I never really understood what she saw in him.
But when she shot him down, it was with the same cold determination she showed in any other instance. It was her call to make, and whatever her reasons she had made it and it was final. Very final, for Williams. Every part of me that thought she was losing her nerve because of Alenko was silenced. Secretly, even from myself, I found myself wishing that anyone had my back the way Shepard had Alenko's. Turians have a habit of always thinking of themselves as expendable, ready to sacrifice anything in the name of the greater good. It would have been nice to find that there was someone in the galaxy who didn't agree with me on that.
The way she hugged him on Horizon proved me wrong. Up until that point, even after Virmire, I had thought their relationship was more about relieving stress over the battle with Saren than real connection. It's something that translates well to Turian life, after all, but I guess I was just imposing my habits onto Shepard. Their embrace felt... private. Intimate. I guess it was no more intimate than any other reunion between lovers, but all the same. I felt out of place.
And then the back-stabbing Alliance do-boy started talking.
He left a sour taste in my mouth from the start. Anyone who talks about love like it's a weapon - as if they're only mentioning it to dig the knife a little deeper into your back - well, all they deserve is a good swift kneejerk if you ask me. I couldn't believe Shepard was so patient with him, but I guess she understood where he was coming from. I did, too, at least when it comes to Cerberus. I didn't trust them a bit, either. None of us did, least of all Shepard. But I understood the need for their help. Alenko was too much of an Alliance man, too much of a soldier. He followed orders, and trusted his superiors to know best. In this case, he was just following the wrong superior.
I hated him for that. It was clear, at least it was clear to me, that he was different from the other squad members on the Normandy two years before. Most of us had joined ranks with Shepard because she was right, because we respected her, and, eventually, because we trusted her. Alenko was just following orders. I had to give him credit for being a good soldier, but sometimes a soldier isn't what you need. Sometimes what you need is a friend. He didn't meet any definition of friend I had ever heard. He looked right in her face on Horizon and told her that he was an Alliance man, and not her man. I wanted to rip his face off.
But I didn't. I was too distracted. Massani's hands were clenched into fists like he was ready to beat the kid to a pulp, glaring two-tone daggers into Alenko's back. Me, I could only turn my eyes to Shepard. It was just a flicker, barely even noticeable if you weren't keeping your eyes open for it, or if you weren't used to studying her features for clues the way I was. That cold, hard something in her eyes that always made her seem infallible faltered for half a second, and behind that there was only - something. Maybe pain, maybe loss, I don't know. It was enough to simply see that it existed.
A split second. That was it. She gave herself half a moment to mourn, half a moment to feel, and then it was over. She lifted her chin again and like every other defeat I'd ever seen her face, she shook it off like a robe that doesn't fit. It was her pure brass that got her through everything she had faced, her stubborn refusal to accept anything but victory - not just survival. We followed her because she was indomitable, and in that moment I knew, somehow, that leading us wasn't just about having the right tools for the job. Kaidan Alenko brought nothing to the table that any other Alliance space jockey couldn't bring. It was about protecting us. All of us. It was about having the best possible chance for victory, and for everyone sharing in that victory.
I guess I'd always known it, at least ever since she helped me tie up loose ends before the battle with Saren instead of telling me to shove it. But I never said it aloud, or to myself, until that moment. I realized then, though, what I had known almost since the day I met her. Anywhere Commander Shepard led, I would follow.
But it wasn't until that moment I knew I loved her.
