Chapter 2 - Intimacy
"How was the Apollo?"
Kirk sat up in bed and waved the lights brighter. He'd been curled up, reading the now archival profiles of the larger colonies of the Lohanna Sector. Very few colonists remained after fighting had gone on for so many years.
"It was interesting," Spock said.
"Trouble with the Apollo's Chief?"
"Yes. But it is no matter."
Kirk smiled with affection. "I like that about you." He tossed the covers aside with a flare. "Come over here."
Spock put his things down on the desk and came over. He smelled of resins and ozone.
"Want to get out of that uniform?"
Kirk ran his eyes over Spock as he undressed with smooth efficiency and dropped his uniform over the desk chair.
"I need to memorize you," Kirk said.
"I see."
"You okay? I mean. You seem a little . . ." Kirk tilted his head. "Remote, maybe."
"I am not looking forward to being separated."
"That's all that's wrong?"
Spock nodded, eyes distant. He rubbed his fingers over his thumb, a gesture Kirk had never seen before. Kirk reached out slowly, giving Spock time to pull away, and took hold of Spock's right hand.
"Well, let's make the best of it, right now, shall we?"
Kirk pulled downward on Spock's hand, until Spock knelt on the bed, straddling Kirk's legs. Kirk took his arms and pulled him down into a kiss. He rocked back and ran his eyes over Spock's chest, over the furred line obscuring the ripples of his abdomen.
"Yes," Kirk said, confirming something inside himself. He hadn't meant to speak aloud.
Kirk tightened his left hand on Spock's right hand again. Spock glanced down at their joined hands and back at Kirk's face.
Kirk steered Spock to the bed, urged him to lie back so he could look at him more. "While we're apart I'm going to have to fantasize about you."
Spock's left brow went up and stayed up.
Kirk leaned forward and planted a kiss on Spock's knee. "I want to make sure we can have commsex. When I can arrange the private time on my end for it, that is."
"What is that?"
Kirk squeezed Spock's foot. "What do you mean, what is that? It's talking dirty to another over a comm line while doing other things."
Spock lifted his head. "I cannot successfully do this."
"You can't?"
Spock shook his head. "I must have another presence to touch. It is true for all Vulcans."
"But you aren't entirely Vulcan."
"In this, I am."
Kirk felt his desire fading. "Spock. You won't get any release the entire time we're apart?"
"I expect not. But I am accustomed to controlling this. I did so before we met."
Kirk stared. He felt horror creeping up through his innards. "Still. No wonder you're sad about me going."
"It isn't that. Or, it isn't that at this time. I will most definitely miss your presence."
Kirk crawled forward, took Spock into his arms, rolled to the side, pulled them tightly together. He kissed him fiercely before relenting.
Spock's cheek was pressed against Kirk's temple. Spock's upper arm was pressing hard against his own. Spock's hand was locked on the small of his back. He felt embraced and secure.
"You could talk dirty to me," Kirk said. "A skill that will be very useful over the comm. For me, I guess. I don't know what we are going to do for you."
Spock's arm tightened more. "At this time we are focussing on you."
Kirk talked into Spock's collar bone. "You are becoming a little more dominant here."
"Is that problem?"
"No. No."
Kirk closed his eyes, relaxed, felt everything inside more than out.
Spock's voice came low, close to Kirk's ear. "I am awaiting your touch." He hesitated. Kirk heard him swallow hard and exhale in a huff what could have been nerves or annoyed uncertainty. "You are making me a part of you. You are taking away every bit of loneliness I have every experienced. I feel your trust, and it is absolute. But I can also feel your discipline. You are resisting yourself."
Spock hesitated longer this time. Kirk held his breath, suspended on a delicate bubble that was threatening to rupture at any moment.
Spock's voice was low and breathy. "I am joyful. I have never felt that emotion. It was out of reach for me. Impossible. But you have gifted it to me."
A tear joined with the sweat on Kirk's cheek. He bit his lips.
Kirk rose up and put their mouths together. He stroked Spock's face as he kissed him. A tear dropped on Spock's cheek.
"James?"
"It's okay," Kirk said, and put their mouths together again. "It's okay," he repeated. He pulled away and kept stroking Spock's face.
"I did not intend to emotionally weaken you," Spock said.
Kirk bit his lips again. He put his forehead to Spock's chest. He breathed deep, smelled Spock's skin. "I knew . . . know I mean a lot to you." Kirk made a noise of frustration. "Maybe I shouldn't try to explain."
Spock's hands stroked Kirk's hair, his shoulders.
Kirk put his forehead down again, this time on Spock's shoulder. "You're amazing." He swallowed hard, kissed the shoulder before him. He sniffled again. "I love you. I think I say that half seriously most of the time."
Kirk lifted his head, took a deep breath.
Spock said, "I do not fully understand that emotion."
"I know. I didn't say that to pressure you into saying anything. I just couldn't not say it." Kirk dabbed at his eyes, which were still burning, even though he didn't think they should be. "You are becoming everything to me. Speaking of things one never expected." He gave a painful smile.
They stared at each other.
Spock rubbed Kirk's arms. "It is your rest period and I must write up my activities from the Apollo into a practice preliminary report."
Kirk felt his chest strengthening, his eyes cooling. "Okay." He kissed Spock deeply again before pushing himself to the side to let Spock get up.
A/N: This scene got clipped down for the rating. Full version is at AO3 or ksarchive, if you are interested.
