NARRATOR
And so it seemed that fortune had smiled
on Lina and Zelgadis and that they had found
the object of their frantic search -
or had they?

Thunderclap.

-

"Holy crap, Amelia! What the hell? We've been looking all over fo-"

"You're wet."

"Um. Yeah." Yes, well, thank you captain obvious. My turn. "It's raining."

She looked unusually shifty eyed as lightning struck again. She glanced at the strange metal carriages. "I think you had better both come inside." Well . . . yeah? I glanced at Zel. He shrugged. Fat lot of help you are.

The inside was just, word of the night, weird. Dead animals stared down at me from every wall. Giant elk heads, deer, moose, yak, and several I don't even know the names for. The blank glass eyes were absolutely piercing. Come on, Lina. It's only the cold. And the wet. And the really, really damp uncomfortableness. Amelia led us to a small room, thankfully, away from the dead things and there was a table laden with-

"Food!" My heart swelled with giddy glee and the castle suddenly seemed all the much warmer and kinder. Amelia poured me a drink and passed another to Zelgadis. It was so warm and soothing to my cold hands and throat. And it tasted just like honey! "Ah! That hit the spot! Come on, Zel! Warms you right up!" My speech was marred when I pushed sopping hair out of my face. But, eh, we'll get to that. Zel looked at his drink like it had insulted his mother then took a tentative sip. His eyes brightened. I slapped him on the back for good measure. Wow, for being this wet and miserable, I was feeling rather… charitable.

This gave me pause.

Amelia held a tray of delectable delights. "Canapé?" She drawled.

"Why yes. Don't mind if I do." I snagged half of the contents of Amelia's tray in one practiced swipe. She smiled a big smile at me, but her smile was a little… off. Almost like a normal Amelia smile, but missed the mark by just a smidge. My deviled egg suddenly didn't taste so good. I whirled to Zel but he had the goblet turned up so he wouldn't miss a drop. Oh shi-

"You've arrived on a very special evening. It's one of the Master's affairs."

Zel cut in before I could, dropping the goblet away, guiltily. "Master's? Amelia, are you alright? Where's Gourry? We need to leave now?" Oh, way to clue in now.

The blank stare she leveled at him could have given the dead moose a run for its money.

Okay. Should we grab her and run… Damn, what about Blondie? No, Lina. It's just the paranoia talking. We need to wait and see what exactly is going on here. Maybe this evening can still be salvaged.

"Oh, affair, l-lucky us, hahaha…" Dammit! I looked at my handful of deviled eggs and set them down. I just didn't think I could stomach them at the moment. And that was a thought I couldn't really stomach. I'm hungry but I can't eat? No, no, no. Don't be stupid! That's IMPOSSIBLE.

"You're lucky, I'm lucky, he's lucky-" That voice! No. It couldn't be. . . "We're all lucky." My first impression was of too much lace and skin flying down the stair-rail at an unnecessary rate of speed. There was a thump and next thing I knew I was nose deep in cleavage and face to face with a very familiar skull. I screamed (maybe it was more of an enraged shriek). I couldn't help it. I can't tell you what I screamed. It contained a lot of profanity, all strung together into one long, hyper-profane word. "NAGA!" I hauled back and knocked the ever-loving shit out of her and watched, with great satisfaction I might add, as her head ricocheted between the stair railings and she rolled to a stop across the room in a heap of lace, her maid's mop askew atop her head.

I was shaking with rage (and more than a little fear); this was it. I'm leaving. I'm not dealing with Naga. Especially Naga in a maid's costume. Period. I'll come get Gourry in the morning when the sun is up and the world makes sense.

I turned to let Zel in on my little epiphany but he was standing in the opposite corner of the room, eyes round, one eye brow quirked in an, "oh?", working through his second honey drink, Amelia posed, dead doe-eyed with pitcher in hand. I hung my head. I could feel a headache starting to pound behind my left eye.

"We. Are. Leaving." I pointed to Zel and Amelia. "Now." I put as much menace as I could into each syllable. The clock started to strike behind me. I'm sure cut a quite the terrifying figure. In a good way. Amelia just. . . smiled at me, glassy eyed. I ground my teeth.

"It's astounding. Time is fleeting… Madness, takes its toll." And this was suddenly coming from Amelia! She started towards me with those blank doe eyes and big HAPPY grin. I backed away despite myself, running through a list of spells I could cast that wouldn't harm her. . . too much. I mean, this was obviously mind control. I think. Actually it was getting very hard to think. "But listen closely." Okay, Sleeping! Got to cast sleeping. I cast around wildly in my mind for the incantation, but the words jumbled together and my mouth felt like it was filled with marshmallows (mmm, marshmallows…) I mumbled out the first three words when-

"Not for very much longer," Naga was right behind me! Gah! She grabbed me and spun me around. I choked on my wet hair and found myself staggering right into Zelgadis's arms, his goblet clanging to the floor. I heard him curse. Amelia and, oh my gods, Naga were dancing around the small parlor, SINGING. My knees felt weak and the lights were much too bright. My concentration was totally shattered.

Amelia rushed towards me, hauling me to her side locking my right arm in place, "the blackness would hit me!" She sounded hysterically happy.

Naga had her iron grip on Zel's arm, propelling him across the room. He went, unprotesting, looking like he had just swallowed a frog, "And the void would be calling! Ohoho!"

Zel and I were thrown through double doors onto a dais overlooking a crowded ballroom. I decided that I was in hell.

"LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"

There was mutual clinging. I'm pretty sure Zel latched on to me the same time I latched on to him. He'd never admit it and I won't either, but, honestly, I don't think my knees were going to support me. And oh, the light, my head…

I saw frenzied dancing, everybody had a party hat and cheap sunglasses and I was scared. I did the first rational thing that came to mind: "BURST RONDO!" I threw my hands into the air. Somebody was going to explain what was going on… but… Nothing happened… Zel looked at me, eyes glazed. No explosions! No bright lights! No one even heard me yell over the music. Okay. No. No freaking out yet. Focus, Lina. "MEGA BRANDO!" Oh…oh shit… Nothing. Not a spark or flicker erupted into the air around me. It suddenly felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and I felt queasy. I am so screwed. This has to be a mistake.

Zel was just standing there staring at me mouth agape. What was everyone's problem tonight? "Oi! Why don't you try something instead of just standing there?" I hissed, burying my raising panic behind good, old-fashioned anger. Now was not the time to be freaking out.

He started to chant low and fast. Finally, get your head out of your a- Oh. Oh no he wasn't. Nuh uh.

Infinite earth, mother, who nurtures all life, Obey my will and be my power-

Nowhere to hide, Lina. My neck snapped as I scanned the room for cover. Or a window to jump out of. Of all the stupid…

Zel thrust his palm to the floor, "Dug Haut!"

I said a silent prayer for the damned as the ceiling came crashing down. But nothing happened. Not even a rumble. I opened my eyes, and the dancers were still swirling. I gravely turned towards Zel and sank my fist into his smug, grinning face. I'll admit. It probably hurt me a hell of a lot more than it hurt him, but it made me feel so much better.

But before I could lecture him. . .

-

Cut to NARRATOR'S Library. She pulls down an ornate chart with illustrated dance instructions, whacking it with a baton.

Follow Along.

One of the dancers jumped up in my face. "It's just a jump to the left!" I cringed away.

"And then a step to your riiiiiight." Zel edged towards me.

Another dancer appeared: "With your hands on your hips!" More terrified clinging.

"You bring your knees in tiiiiight!" The crowd screamed in ecstasy.

"But it's the pelvic thruuuust, that really drives you insa-a-a-a-ane" (A trio of dances surround me whispering "Ho-ha ho-ha ho-ha ho-ha")

"LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!" And over and over and over and over.

I made a break for the door, but only to find myself (oh gods) nose deep in Naga's cleavage once again. If I can't leave then let me die! I punched her in the solar plexus this time. I had to find another door, a window. SOMETHING. While I was searching, Naga starting singing… something about being an invisible voyeur. It fit her perfectly. I was vaguely aware of Zel's arm around my waist since I seemed to be having trouble…oh, walking, standing; you name it. I'd kill him later.

I heard a shrill, joyous laugh over by the band. "M-m-m…" Martina. I couldn't even say it. "Did you know she could tap dance?" Zel shook his head, his lips set in a hard thin line drained of color. His face was all but expressionless but I could see true fear in his eyes. I hoped I didn't look that bad.

"Lina, please tell me we ate some bad mushrooms and we're still in the middle of the forest screaming like lunatics." He stood, pale and was sweating. Mushrooms, oh, gods, yes. Please let it be mushrooms!

The singing! The dancing! It reached a fevered, fanatical pitch, the music was off beat and everyone was screaming… then they fell in the floor and for the first time all night there was silence. It was deafening. I had never understood what that phrase meant until this moment.

I was suddenly very away that Zel's arms were wrapped all the way around me…to be fair, if I have to, mine were wrapped around him. It was getting hard to tell whose were whose. This would not do. I summoned a strength born of ultimate freakout and horror and shoved him with all my might. His head rebounded off the floor.

"W-what the hell do you think you're doing? Did now seem like a good time to take advantage of an innocent maiden? Huh? Well let me tell yo-" And oh man, was I going to tell him, but, I, uh, seemed to have drawn a lot of unwanted attention from the formerly motionless crowd. Good job, Lina!

Suddenly, they started crawling towards me. I cursed and grabbed a woozy Zel by the collar and dragged him with all my might. "Come on Zel, up and at 'em. We gotta get out of here." I could hear a whirring in the background. I backed away as the dancers started to rise.

"Amelia…" He rasped and licked his lips, eyes rolling back in his head.

"Oh hell, we'll just grab her and run. I haven't seen Gourry, I don't think he's here." I hope he's not here. I backed into something cold and metal… and moving and had a nasty moment of realization when I noticed everyone was looking at me expectantly. The whirring got louder and there was a clang. I saw something moving upwards out of the corner of my eye. Zel staggered to his feet and drew his sword. In desperation, I drew mine too. The crowd didn't even slow.

"Zel, fuck it, I'm cold, I'm wet, and these people are lunatics. Without magic what do you expect us to do!" I hissed through my teeth."

He snorted beside me. I continued. "Look, you knock Amelia out, grab her, and run, we'll ransack the place and try to find Gourry. If he's even here!" Which I sincerely hoped he wasn't. We both knew we were toast if we had to try and best Gourry in a sword fight. I heard something behind me and looked down.

There was a six inch spiked amethyst encrusted platform heel. Okay. I followed the seam of the stocking up rather shapely legs, a shimmering snakeskin cloak, further up to pursed, ruby-red lips and…

The sword slipped out of my numb fingers and I clutched at the side of the metal cage as my knees gave out. Words. I couldn't find them, but Zel filled in the gaps quite admirably. I'd never heard some of those words come from his mouth. His eyes were wide, pupils nothing but tiny dots of horror. The figure in the metal cage lift threw open the gate and smiled at me. Then winked.

My brain just gave up and quit. That was the last thing I saw before the world went black.