Stupidity Moon
"Mina's Suicidal Day"
Lita: Wow Serena! You just set a new personal record!
Serena: YEAH! I completed this test really really fast!
Rei: It's too bad you're not studying for a TIMED test.
Amy: And your answers are all wrong. In fact, the law of probability states you could have gotten a better score just by guessing.
Serena: Can't you guys let me have my happy moments in peace?
Rei: It's too bad you don't have anything to be happy about.
Amy: You can take the pain when Heartsnatchers fight you, so this should be easy!
Serena: It would be, except I'm a total idiot. And the reason I get hurt so bad when I fight Heartsnatchers is because I suck at fighting. My only skill is that neat heart rod I pull out of nowhere that kills people in a single hit.
Amy: Well, there has to be SOMETHING you're good at.
Rei: Eating.
Serena: Shut up.
Mina: Actually, it's true! You eat a lot! Haha! You're a really good eater! Hahaha!
All others: What's wrong now?
Mina: Nothing's wrong! Haha! What makes you think there's something wrong? Haha! Nothing at all! Couldn't be better! Haha!
Rei: You always act like a psycho when you're upset.
Serena: Which is basically every scene that features you. You're practically our little group's reject.
Amy: The only guy you're interested in is going out with another girl.
Lita: And he even knows you're a Sailor! You have to be pretty unappealing to counter the coolness of dating a superhero.
Rei: You were only included in this series to boost ratings. You were stuck in as an afterthought near the end of the first season.
Mina runs from the room, crying.
Serena: You think we were too hard on her?
Lita: Yeah, but she'll come back eventually.
Rei: Yeah, where else is she gonna go? It's not like anyone would want her.
Amy: Wow, aren't we heartless? Hey, Mina's white cat, go see how she's doing.
Artemis: **sigh** How come no one remembers my name?
Rei: Because you're even more of an afterthought than Mina is. Do we really need TWO talking cat mascots?
Serena: Yeah, Power Rangers doesn't even have one.
Artemis: I know where I'm not wanted…
Artemis runs from the room, crying.
* * * * * * * *
Artemis and Mina are talking by some swings.
Artemis: Mina, what's REALLY the matter?
Mina: They are SOOO right! I haven't even had my pure heart targeted by the Heartsnatchers! I'm not worth the effort… **sob**
Artemis: So you're sad that the Heartsnatchers haven't attacked you and nearly killed you yet?
Mina: Yes! I'm so glad you understand how I feel!
Artemis: That's the stupidest load of crap I've ever heard. I mean it.
Mina: But it's like the Heartsnatchers are saying that I don't have a pure heart!
Artemis: And you take them as good judges of character? They've been trying to find a true pure heart crystal for 50 damn episodes and they've gotten nothing but mistakes!
Mina: I have to become purer! Oooooh! A blood drive! Suck me dry!
Artemis: **sigh**
* * * * * * * *
Dr. Mad Scientist: How are things going, bitch?
Lady at Computer: There's a shadow appearing behind our photo of the purity chalice. Do you think it means something?
Dr. Mad Scientist: YES! It means that someone is close to getting the purity force! This goddamn series is ALMOST OVER! HAHAHAHA!
Lady at Computer: No one can be more enthusiastic as I, Doctor! I can finally quit this damn job! HAHAHAHA!
Dr. Mad Scientist: Do you have a target! I've picked a special Heartsnatcher for THIS mission! It's a… DOORKNOB! HAHAHA!
Lady at Computer: I have a target, but I won't show it to you so that there can be suspense.
Dr. Mad Scientist: It's Mina isn't it?
Lady at Computer: How did you know that? You don't even know who Mina is!
Dr. Mad Scientist: Yeah, but this entire plot is SO obvious. Also, I'm a genius. HAHAHAHAHA!
Lady at Computer: Whatever. Just gimme the damn Heartsnatcher.
* * * * * * * *
Lita: Do any of you have moral qualms about spying on our friend?
Rei: Not really. Besides, it's not really spying. It's... well, spying.
Amy: See, look here: I've made a schedual so we can keep an eye on Mina 24 hours a day!
Lita: You don't actually expect us to do that, do you?
Amy: No, but I thought it would be fun to make the thing.
Lita and Rei: ...
Serena (talking to Mina): Hey, are you still worried about that stupid pure heart thing?
Mina: Damnit! I want to get my pure heart taken! Then I can be a motionless blob and have a near-death experience! And I'll be worth something!
Serena: Look! The heartsnatchers are not very good judges of character. Besides, what if you don't get it back?
Mina: How many times have we fought the Heartsnatchers? 30. And how many times have we not gotten the crystals back into the bodies? 0. Have I made my point?
Serena: But what if, just this once, something bad happens?
Mina: Look, I'm an afterthought to this whole show, I don't have a boyfriend, and at the very least I want someone to think I have a pure heart!
Serena: But you don't! Er, I mean you do! You do!
Luna: Look, Serena is a complete idiot and they attacked her! Do you really want to be on her level of idiocy?
Mina: Hey, I haven't thought about that. You know what? You're right. I don't want my heart snatched at all!
Serena: Normally, I'd cheer, but I'm not sure I like how this turnaround came to pass.
Lady at Computer (now in a car with a gun): Hey, lady! Open wide!
Mina: Great, just after I reconsidered my position too. I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!
**BANG**
Mina (clutching pure heart): Don't take my heart! I don't want to die! HELP!
Mina runs down the street, screaming.
Serena: So the real Mina is a total coward.
Rei: Why am I not surprised?
Serena: Oh well, better get going after her.
Serena runs down the street with the Heart car, Amara and Michelle in close pursuit.
Serena: Now I have Mina trapped in this small enclosed garage. Things are looking up!
Heart car drives in and pulls up next to Mina, who is now lying comatose in fear.
Lady at Computer (now by her car): I shall open this trunk and let out our most powerful Heartsnatcher yet! Doorknober, come out!
Smoke billows out from the car.
Doorknober: Damnit, I'm not a doorknob! I'm a locker! Or something like that.
Lady at Computer: Whatever. Just look this place up.
Doorknober: Fine, fine.
Doorknober uses super magic power to lock all exits.
Amara: You didn't do it in time! We got in!
Michelle: Yeah, we're gonna kick your butt!
Amara (whispering to Michelle): Um, shouldn't we have transformed before we came in?
Michelle: Shit.
Lady at Computer: Whatever. Just sit there while I bend ever so slowly to get this crystal. My back, you know.
Serena: Oh no, I can't transform in front of them!
Michelle: Oh no, we can't transform in front of her!
Lady at Computer: Almost got it... just a few more inches...
Serena: Stop! I won't allow you to do this!
SAILOR MOON TRANSFORMATION!
Michelle: She's Sailor Moon?
Amara: Nah, couldn't be. Just because she looks, sounds, and acts identical AND she transformed in front of us... HEY! Wait a minute, she IS Sailor Moon!
Michelle: Genius.
Moon: I won't allow you to hurt this person I sorta like. I mean, she's not like my best friend or anything, but she doesn't make fun of me TOO much. She's also our little group's outcast so I don't have to be. So, get away from her! Oh yeah, truth, justice, love, you suck. Now DIE!
Lady at Computer: Doorknober! Attack her!
Doorknober: Hey, I'm a locker, not a fighter!
Lady at Computer: Jesus, where do we get these people? JUST DO IT!
Doorknober: Fine, fine. I'll, um, jump on her. She sucks so much it should work.
Doorknober jumps on Moon and starts pounding the crap out of her.
Moon: Ouch! Hey! Stop it! The pain!
Michelle: Lets beat them up!
Amara: Can't we wait until they kill Moon? I never liked her anyway.
Michelle: I have a manicurists appointment in 10 minutes! We have to hurry!
Amara: Alright, fine.
SAILOR NEPTUNE TRANSFORMATION!
SAILOR URANUS TRANSFORMATION!
Moon: Wow, THEY'RE Sailor Neptune and Uranus? I never suspected, even though they look, sound, and act identical!
URANUS I-DON'T-KNOW-WHAT-THE-HELL-I'M-SAYING!
Neptune: Damn another mistake. **drops the crystal**
The crystal falls back into Mina's body.
Uranus: Damnit! Not again. God. Lets get out of here.
Neptune: I would, but the exits are all blocked.
Uranus: Great, we have to help these people AGAIN!
Neptune: Afraid so.
NEPTUNE THINGAMAGIG!
Doorknober: Ouch! You knocked me off of Moon!
Moon: Ohhhhh... It hurts... Owwwwww...
Uranus: Get up, damnit. Kill the monster so we can leave.
Moon: Alright... The pain... Why me...
MOON SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY-
Lady at Computer: Let me get this out of the car...
SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY-
Lady at Computer: Almost ready...
SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY-
Lady at Computer: Just a few more seconds...
SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY-
Lady at Computer: Got it! Alright, I'm ready!
SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY-
Lady at Computer: Is she still doing that?
SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY-
Lady at Computer: Might as well break out some smokes...
SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY-
Lady at Computer: God, get it over with!
SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- SPINNY- HEART ATTACK!
Lady at Computer: About time!
Lady at Computer unleashes her super flamethrower! The Heartsnatcher dies but the flame prevents the hearts from hitting the Lady at Computer (now with firethrower).
Lady at Computer: Hahaha! You suck!
Mina awakens and manages to transform quietly.
SAILOR VENUS TRANSFORMATION!
Uranus: Normally, I'd warn her, but the look on her face will be just too priceless.
VENUS WHIPPY THINGY!
Lady at Computer: No! You've busted my flamethrower! I'm outta here!
Lady at Computer (now in car) drives quickly away.
Neptune: Lets get the hell outta here.
* * * * * * * *
Amara: Well, I guess there's no turning back now.
Michelle: Yeah, I know.
Amara: We had no choice.
Michelle: Yes we did! We could have gone through 5th street!
Amara: I'm telling you, 5th street is still under construction!
Michelle: They finished today!
Amara: No they didn't. They ran over schedule.
Michelle: Oh well. Now we're stuck in this damn traffic jam. This sucks.
Amara: Definitely.
* * * * * * * *
Alright, I finally changed her name from Nina to Mina like it's supposed to be. I also changed Venus's font so it's not bright yellow anymore. Now please, don't complain about either anymore, OK? Thanks. Also, I'm well aware that Mina was the first Sailor, and that she had her own series before Moon. However, she was still added onto this one at the end of the first season to boost ratings. Either that, or she was added as part of a meaningful and intelligent story, and as far as I'm concerned, anyone with an attack called "Love and Beauty Shot" is about as far away from anything intelligent as possible.
