Hedwig and Snape: Shrinkage
AUTHOR'S NOTE: "HEDWIG AND SNAPE: The Beach" IS THE NEW "GARFIELD THE JERK", in other words: I'M TYPING CRAP UNTIL I CAN ACTUALLY TYPE BRILLIANTLY AGAIN AND COME UP WITH SOMETHING F-KING AWESOME. IT'S A VICIOUS TWO YEAR LONG CYCLE I'M FOREVER GOING THROUGH. -runs off bawling-
Two years later, after everything was restored, Hedwig, one-hundred feet tall and stuffed with steroids, went back in time to 2004 and sat in the Pacific Ocean.
"Oh god," she murmured, "This… feels… GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!" she let out an ENORMOUS gas explosion from her butt causing the giant Japan tsunami of '04. When her bumhole closed, it sucked in several billion gallons of ocean water and caused droughts upon the Earth.
"FUCK!" she shouted, "FUCKING WATER WEIGHT!" she got up, sat on China and took a dump, flooding the entire country with her 'excess waste'. "OH YEEEEAAAH!" she growled, "YEAAAAAAAH!"
"Hedwig!" called Snape from a helicopter, "STOP DESTROYING THE WORLD, HONEY!"
"I DIDN'T DO SHIT." Snapped Hedwig.
"Oh yeah, that's right" thought Snape to himself, "China SUCKS and isn't important." He pulled out a wand and pointed it at Hedwig, "Well, JUST so you won't set the entire UK nation on fire again, REDUCIO!" he shouted, shrinking Hedwig in the air. He used a fishnet to catch her and brought her into the helicopter.
"SNAAAAAAAAAPE!" she squeaked angrily from the fishnet, "UN-SHRINK ME NOW, DAMNIT!"
Snape immediately locked Hedwig in a tiny parakeet cage and then steered the helicopter back to the United Kingdom.
Several hours later, (filled with Hedwig squeaking furiously and throwing feces at Snape), Snape arrived the helicopter at an abandoned house and crashed in through the ceiling.
"YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" squeaked Hedwig, "WHY DON'T YOU EVER ASK FOR FUCKING DIRECTIONS?" she bent over and let out a silently but deadly one from her bumhole knocking Snape unconscious. "HAHA!" she laughed, "I KNEW I STILL HAD SOME LEFT IN ME!"
Ten hours later, after Snape regained conscious, he stepped out of the helicopter with the caged Hedwig in his arms. The room he stepped into was dark and dusty.
"Let's find another room." He stated, "One where the ceiling isn't broken."
"FUCK YOU!" squeaked Hedwig.
Snape found one, an empty one with a dusty table and a window with blinds. He walked in, locked the door and closed the blinds. He dusted the table with his hand and placed the caged Hedwig on it.
"Hedwig," sighed Snape, feeling miserable, "It's a bitch convincing people to like you."
"FUCK OFF!" growled Hedwig, "LIKE I CARE!"
"Pleasing everyone isn't like you."
"SO?"
"I can't decide whether you should live or die," He went on and Hedwig started to cry. "Oh you'll probably go to heaven, please don't hang your head and cry. No wonder why. My heart feels dead inside, it's cold and hard and petrified."
Hedwig sighed hard as Snape continued, "Oh I could throw you in the lake or feed you poisoned birthday cake," he leaned in close to her and whispered, "but I won't deny I'm going to miss you when you're gone."
Hedwig face-palmed as Snape went on. "Oh I could bury you alive but you might crawl out with a knife and kill me when I'm sleeping, that's why-"
"NO," interrupted Hedwig, her voice loud, "I'M CRYING BECAUSE YOU FUCKING SUCK! WHO THE HELL RECITES WORDS OTHER PEOPLE USE WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE? AT LEAST BE IN TUNE WHEN YOU DO IT, YOUR VOICE IS SO FUCKING FLAT, GOD DAMN YOU!"
"Uh." Stuttered Snape, "What?"
"YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU DID!"
"No…I don't."
Just then Dumbledore crashed into the room, "I AM, REPAIR-MAN-MAN-MAN-MAN!" he bellowed.
"OH GOD DAMNIT!" cried Hedwig, "WHY DID I EVEN CHOOSE TO WAKE UP TODAY?"
Snape, surprised by all the commotion, tripped over his own foot and fell a top of Dumbledore.
"OOOOOH!" growled Hedwig, seeing the two struggling to get off each other, "I SEE HOW THIS IS, YOU'RE FUCKING CHEATING ON ME, AREN'T YOU?"
"Goodness no!" gasped Snape, "I want to kill him, not MAN-LOVE him!"
Hedwig bent over, "I THINK I HAVE ONE MORE LEFT IN ME!"
"Oh god no." cried Snape, "NOOOO, HEDWIG! PLEASE!"
"Oh, is she going to give us candy?" said Dumbldore, smiling innocently, "I love candy!" he giggled like a child, "YAY!"
Snape started to cry.
TO BE CONTINUED…
