Disclaimer: If I owned ToA I would probably have something else to do right now. Heck, I don't even own a copy of the game.
Of Swordplay and Singing Lessons
Luke happily trudged out to the courtyard on his way to the drawing room, where he was to meet Master Van. He wondered for a moment what Van would have to talk about with him that he came by on a day that wasn't even a training day. Any other day that decade (all training days) this wouldn't have been such a big deal, but today it was just creepy.
Passing through the entry room he noticed Guy shining one of the sets of armor. "Liar!" he yelled, "You said we wouldn't see each other until the Tartarus, but I can see you perfectly right now, and the gardener said that you'll be out in the courtyard when I'm practicing with my sword! You'll even see when I get abducted by Tear as she tries to kill her brother!"
"Uh, Luke, you're not supposed to know that you're about to be abducted by Van's sister. You're supposed to be in the drawing room, listening to Van tell you that Fonmaster Ion, a sickly pale kid who just so happens to be another main storyline character and a fellow replica, has gone missing from Daath, and that Van has been dispatched to go find him, so he'll have to miss a few training days," Guy said in one miraculously long breath.
Luke proceeded to bring up an excellent point regarding this exchange: "Guy, is either one of us supposed to know this much?"
"I don't know," Guy admitted, "but it sure makes for some awkward situations, doesn't it? And isn't that what a parody is all about?"
"Parody?"
"Never mind. Now go meet with Van so that this fic can actually get somewhere!"
"Fic…?"
"I SAID GO ALREADY!" Guy screamed as several maids flew across the room at him.
Said flying maids blasted Luke through the door into the drawing room, which surprisingly surprised no one. They simply regarded Luke coolly, though his mother's bulging forearm muscles twitched slightly. "What took you so long, ya freakish li'l squirt?" she boomed in her deep voice. "You trip over yer feat every half a second like usual. Look at me when I'm talking at you, yarn-head! And take that circus wig off or I'll send you to one permanently!"
In truth, Luke's mother was nigh impossible to look at, and was a medical mystery of the highest order. Without any steroids of any kind she had worked out until she could (this had been tried) lift and carry roughly ¼ of Baticul for 34.2 miles, give or take. She was also, by popular opinion, the ugliest freak on Auldrant. His father, on the other hand, was a gentle, loving man with a serious bipolar disorder, which was extremely active during the Hod war 10 years ago, which was why he went nuts and killed a bunch of noble Malkuth families. Today was a good day, so he wasn't having too much trouble controlling himself. (Note emphasis)
Dorian General Van Grants, Oracle Knight Commandant, commander of the elite top 6 members of the oracle knights (nice name) seemed a completely different matter. He was calm, cool, collected, not freakishly muscular, not bipolar, and had extremely, magically mighty facial hair. Beneath it all, though, were many secrets that he would kill to protect, if told to do so. If not…
"Luke," began Duke Fabre, "Master Van has come to tell you some highly secretive information that would cause widespread panic if it got into the hands of, say, a gossipy maid."
"Indeed," began Van in his best calming voice, "but unless that's the case, the public should be blissfully unaware that the Fon Master is on the loose. Ion is an extremely dangerous man, capable of unleashing up to 12 daathic fonic artes at a time constantly over a period that has never been measured, but is longer than half an hour. He is as strong as your mother, and a master of every weapon known to man and some that we never thought of before. He is also small, lovable, 14 years old, green haired, and he speaks with the same soft, innocent voice he uses in the actual ToA."
"Wow, nice monologue," joked Luke, "but I already knew he was missing. One of the more gossipy maids told me. She also said that Van would have to miss some training days to go and search for him. Van, I'm taking that out of your allowance. Anyway, got anything new to tell me before Van asks me if I'd like to practice today in a pathetic attempt to earn back some of his allowance?"
They all stared. At Van. They had had no idea that Van lived off the allowance Luke gave him. They had either thought of it like a tip or an absolutely pathetic waste of cash done by a worthless child, depending on which one you asked.
Van began to cry. "How can you be so mean to me?!" he wailed through racking sobs and coughs. "It's just because my sister destroyed Hod, isn't it? I tried to get her to take singing lessons somewhere else, but noooooo, she insisted on doing it at home. It's not my fault! IT"S NOT MY FAULT!!" Van's crying had filled about an inch off the room's floor with water by now, and his thumb sucking quickly became… I don't think English has a word for anything this humiliating.
Luke, being somewhat humane in this fic, quickly calmed things down. "Okay, Van, I'll still give you a full allowance this time, but never do this again. It's creepy having you wailing like you're two."
Van stood up, eyes drying instantly. "Thank you, Luke. Now by your leave mistress, we must begin our training." Van walked out, still being stared at by Luke's parents, and Luke followed him out to the courtyard to begin practice.
"Master," Luke asked, "since I already know how to do all the noobish stuff you're about to try to teach me, can we just skip to the part where I get abducted by Tear?"
Van blinked. "And you want to be abducted because…?
"Because otherwise I'll just run back and forth doing really easy and incredibly basic combat maneuvers that could be learned by a highly advanced fish, which I have a greater mental capacity than. Besides, I already know I'm going to get kidnapped. Why not get it over with now?"
"Very well, then," Van calmly said.
The courtyard was immediately pierced by the WORST SINGING IN EXISTANCE! This could barely be called singing as much as an absolutely vicious assault on anything in hearing range. Windows shattered, men fell unconscious, the metal plate in the middle of the courtyard cracked, and a woman walking by outside of Baticul had to be rushed to the emergency room for severe brain trauma.
"Well, here she is," Van said as he calmly stepped out of the way. As staff rang against cheap imitation wooden sword, a familiar (to Luke) light shone between them, and they were whisked away. The commotion was immediately followed by Luke's father coming out to the courtyard, coolly surveying the mess and then screaming at the top of his lungs, "WHO WAS IT?! I'LL RIP THEIR ARMS FROM THEIR SOCKETS! I'LL BRUSH THEIR TEETH WITH MY SWORD, I'LL…I'll…I'll miss ya, Luke.
