Hello my lovely readers, just a few things I wanted to clarify. If it's in italics, it's either a memory/dream or a direct thought from Jasper. That's all! Read on!
Jasper spat. The sharp contrast between her crimson blood and the ivory of the freshly cleaned mat kept her gaze as she swayed precariously on her knees. Another blow, this one to her stomach shot pain up her spine unlike anything she'd ever felt. She coughed, trying to regain her breath, but blood spewed from her mouth, running down her busted lips and over the curve of her bruised chin. She took a deep gurgling breath just in time for a kick to land right in her ribs, the distinctive cracking sound of bone followed by her wail of pain.
"Стоп." Jasper saw her attacker drop his arm to halt the next blow.
"Have you had enough, my dear Jasper? Would you like somebody else to take over for you?" Jasper used what little strength she had left to tilt her head up and glare as best she could at the Hydra scientist.
He stood beside her attacker, dwarfed by the super weapon Hydra had created but still in complete control of the metal armed man. Victor Alexandrov looked down at her with malice in his grey eyes. His hatred for her was unrivaled and this little display proved it.
"Would you like that? I can make it end. I can make your pain stop." Alexandrov held out a hand and one of the assistants in the room handed him a simple black baton.
He tapped along the Winter Soldiers metal arm with it. The Soldier didn't flinch, why would he? He'd been trained to take whatever punishment his handlers saw fit.
"Say the word, and all your pain ends. I know it hurts."
Jasper bit back a pathetic sob. Every part of her body was alight with pain that bordered on unbearable. She knew several ribs were broken and the rattling in her every breath told her that her lungs were filling slowly with blood. She was pretty sure a few vertebrae were at the very least cracked, she hadn't had feeling below her waist for the last hour. She could physically feel her body screaming for it to stop, please god just make it stop.
"Let me make your pain stop." Victor whispered gently, caressing her broken features in the palm of his hand.
Jasper felt her resolve cracking at the foundation and bit down hard on her tongue to keep herself from screaming yes, please yes. Tears spilled down her cheeks shamelessly now and she looked up at the Winter Soldier helplessly. He stared back at her with the same dead expression he'd had when they'd first met, but God help her she still remembered what it was like to see a smile grace those features that could be beautiful and deadly.
"I'm sorry, Bucky. God, I'm so sorry." Jasper sobbed knowing that Bucky couldn't hear her.
"That's a girl. Let the pain stop." Victor grinned maliciously and placed his foot at the back of the Soldiers knee and gave a push effectively bringing him to his knees as he raised the baton over his head.
In the seconds that black baton swung through the air making straight for that damn mop of hair, Jasper saw it all. Bucky with his head thrown back laughing, Bucky with fire blazing in his eyes like the ocean after a storm, Bucky with that damn determination to win.
"Нет!" Jasper screamed so loudly that even the Winter Soldier jumped minutely. Twelve pairs of eyes that Jasper could see fell on her with evident confusion.
Victor looked down at her as she bit through her cheek to raise her back straight. Jasper glared up at them defiantly, fire flooding through her veins and shorting out all her pain receptors.
"I can take it." Jasper growled to Victor before turning her violet hued eyes to the Winter Soldier.
"I can take it, James." She whispered.
Victor let out a string of curses before waving his hand simply and turning his back on the two of them. The Winter Soldier stood quickly and Jasper saw that metal arm pull back as she closed her eyes and accepted her fate.
Jasper sat up in bed, drenched in sweat and disoriented, with the pistol she still kept under her pillow clenched between both hands. The barrel lined up perfectly along the bridge of a nose she could have traced in her sleep. Right between two storm blue eyes. The startled and defensive look in their depths told her this was Bucky and not Winter, so she dropped the gun slowly and placed it on her bedside table.
"You were having a nightmare." He stated simply, shuffling almost awkwardly on his feet.
"You're not supposed to wake someone during a nightmare, Barnes. I could've shot you." Jasper replied.
Bucky simply shrugged, looking more and more uncomfortable the longer he stood by the side of her bed.
"How did you know I was having a nightmare?" Jasper asked, pushing the duvet back and swinging her legs over the side of the bed.
"Couldn't sleep. Heard you yelling from the hall." Bucky took several steps back to give her plenty of room to stand.
Jasper stretched as she looked to her alarm. The green numbers said it was 4:13 in the morning and she groaned. She turned her eyes to Bucky and took in the bags under his and the way he slumped forward just slightly.
"Come on, Barnes." Jasper muttered, grabbing her robe from the end of her bed and throwing it over her shorts and tank top as she headed for the bedroom door.
She heard him following behind her just barely. For a guy who was nothing but solid muscle mass, he was exceptionally light on his feet. He said nothing as they walked down the hall and stepped into the elevator, heading for the kitchen six floors below. She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes, her dream still flashing behind her eyes.
When she opened them again, she saw Bucky watching her from the furthest corner of the elevator like she had all the answers locked up under her brown curls. When he caught her eye, he ducked behind his long hair.
"One of the hardest parts is realizing that being your own person doesn't come with punishment anymore." Jasper told him with a sympathetic smile.
He raised his eyes to meet hers again and Jasper thought she saw the makings of a smile on his face.
"I'm working on it." He muttered quietly.
"When I first started integrating back into the real world, it was hard. I expected to wake up and be back in there with another punishment for disobeying. I know it sounds cliché, but it'll just take time."
Bucky nodded, eyes downcast again and Jasper's fingers ached to reach out for him but she fought the need. He wouldn't remember yet how much he meant to her and any sudden physical touch could send him back into his Winter Soldier self without a seconds warning.
The elevator dinged and Jasper stepped out into the dim kitchen, flipping on a few lights here and there. Stark tower was made up of several parts: the avengers floors at the top, the sleeping quarters below that, then the training rooms, kitchen and what were basically social gathering rooms, then the offices and the lobby below that.
The kitchen itself was set up in two parts. On one side of the floor was the dining hall and the industrial kitchen were meals were served while on the south side there was a smaller but still as updated kitchen that was used for personal meals and times such as this.
Jasper walked about the kitchen, collecting mugs and the correct ingredients.
"Natasha already tried giving me tea to help me sleep." Bucky muttered at the sight of the mugs giving an almost apologetic grimace.
"It didn't work on me either. I'm making something that doesn't taste like shit and won't help you sleep in the slightest." Jasper grinned, mixing this and that.
"Dr. Martin says I should stay away from alcohol." Was the next statement and Jasper laughed outright.
"That's rich coming from him, but wrong again, Barnes." Jasper smiled as she sprinkled the last ingredient over the top and pressed the warm mug into his flesh hand.
"Drink." Jasper paused as he moved to take a sip immediately and added, "If you want to."
This time he did smile, just a quick upturn at the corners of his lips before taking a weary sip. Jasper sipped at her mug, watching the expression on his face. She could see his eyes spark even if his face remained impassive and something inside her cheered.
"Hot chocolate?" Bucky raised one brow at her over his mug and Jasper grinned.
"With cinnamon. It's my favorite thing to drink when I can't sleep."
"How do I know you?" Bucky asked suddenly, his face completely impassive and eyes guarded so even she couldn't read them.
Jasper tensed under his stare. He'd known her in so many ways, as so many things. Which one was he searching for? Jasper contemplated, pulling along certain memories threads only to back off again when the memory ended in pain. All their memories ended in pain. How could she tell him that? How could she tell him who she was when him looking at her like a stranger was better than looking at her like she'd betrayed him any day.
"I remember that you always get that crease between your eyes when you're thinking really hard." Bucky's voice broke through her racing thoughts and she looked up to see the drowning look in his eyes.
"Barnes, I'm telling you, and I'm only going to say it once because once that session starts, there's no going back, leave it alone. All that is in your memories of Hydra, of me, is pain." Jasper could feel the whining beg in her voice but for once her pride couldn't bring itself to care.
"I thought if anybody would understand why I have to, it would be you." Bucky spat the accusation at her.
"I do understand. I'm just saying it's not," Jasper started but Bucky wasn't going to listen to her excuses.
"Pain's not something I'm unfamiliar with, or have you forgotten that feeling since you've been saved?" Bucky growled the last word, resentment flashing across his features.
"Oh, that's rich. So now it's my fault that I got out of there before you did?" Jasper's pride was speaking now but her heart wasn't in it because it was true. She blamed herself for leaving him behind every day.
"No. I'm simply reminding you that pain is the way of Hydra because it seems you've forgotten." A shadow passed over his features and Jasper resisted the urge to cower at the dark anger that followed. "You don't think I can handle it. You think I'm going to break and go back to being a mindless killer, just like Steve."
"What? No! I just," Jasper stepped toward him, throwing her hands up but he grabbed her wrists in one hand and drug her to stand before him.
He towered over her lithe 5'7" frame like an imposing brick wall, all muscle and metal and anger. His ringers dug into her wrists painfully and she pulled at them but he held her in place as his eyes bore into hers.
"You think I'm weak. Why? Did I not kill enough people? Did I not cause enough pain?" His words were empty, devoid of anything but his anger.
Jasper remembered doing this same thing herself because anger was a shield that protected you from pain.
"No, I don't think you're weak. Not because you killed people or because you caused pain but because you're here and you remember even when they tried to make sure you couldn't." Jasper mumbled.
"Then why? Why won't you help me?" Bucky yelled, squeezing her wrists in a way that would leave finger shaped bruises for weeks.
"Because I don't know if I can take it!" Jasper screamed.
Bucky dropped her wrists like she'd burned him and backed away with wide eyes. She could tell that hadn't been the answer he was expecting and the desperation in his eyes made her stomach burn with shame.
They stood in silence for a moment, all feelings and raw emotion and Jasper damned Hydra to hell for the millionth time.
"You asked me how you knew me, but I can't answer that for you. You've known me and been made to forget me some many times that I don't know where to even begin. But, be damn sure this is what you want because I know you can take the pain, I've seen you do it a million times before, but this comes with more than just pain. So, I need to know right now. Are you sure you want to do this? Because once you open that flood gate there is no going back. You can't turn it on and off like a switch." Jasper finally spoke, watching his expression carefully.
"I want to remember." Bucky replied immediately.
"Then go get some sleep, Barnes. It's gonna be a long day." Jasper sighed into her mug, taking a long sip.
"It's always a long day, James. You know that." Bucky stepped forward, almost as if to embrace her then stopped. His brow wrinkled in confusion he looked down at her.
"I don't know what I was…" he trailed off and Jasper felt her heart break for him.
"You will. Impulses, things we feel the need to do come back first. Memories to go with the actions follow."
Bucky nodded briskly before pacing out of the kitchen and heading back up to his room. Jasper chugged the remains of her hot chocolate before hurling the cup across the kitchen and reveling in the way it shattered against the wall. She'd been right to feel like her world was falling away from underneath her. She was just glad her favorite empath wasn't there to feel her fall apart.
"I'd never hear the end of it." Jasper mumbled cynically to herself.
Rolling her eyes at her outburst, Jasper scurried about the kitchen looking for a towel to clean up her mess. Tony would throw a fit if he found out someone had soiled his beautiful building with chocolate.
Finished with her task, Jasper looked at the clock on the wall just in time to watch the hands tick across five am. With a sigh, she headed back to her room to pull out her favorite Stephen King novel, Bag of Bones, and pass the next two hours living someone else's hellish life for a change.
