Notes: Shoot, this was a long one. Enjoy!
leahelisabeth: Don't cry! Quick! Here's another chapter! :D p.s. I'm totally gonna bawl my eyes out when I finish this series. I might even go back and write fillers so it never ends XD
Disclaimer: *goes to touch fandoms and gets her wrist slapped*
CHAPTER 2
Everyone was weary in some way. Mostly it was from worry over one person or a few, or the whole crew even. Gabriel and Sam's thought were constantly shifting between each other and their respective brothers, never once thinking about themselves. He had lost count of how many times he had heard Bobby sigh and rub a hand over his face. The old preacher was torn between letting the crew work through their own issues and sitting them all down for one very intense talk, perhaps even a few biffs upside the head. Anna and Dean hadn't said anything about her news, but Cas knew. He could see how scared Dean was of losing a friend, and how worried Anna was about losing her family and home. Cas could understand Anna's agony at the thought of being forced to leave.
When he had first figured out what was upsetting her so, he had run to the engine room to interrupt a very confused Chuck and laid himself down next to the glowing engine. At least Chuck's presence wasn't a bother. His constantly confused and lost thoughts seemed to fit right in with Castiel's own emotions and it didn't feel like a bleed over from anyone else.
This morning after Bobby had given him his meds, he felt a familiar wave of despair that seemed to float around the ship when the crew was all finally awake enough for their worries to filter back into their minds to replace dreams and such. He drifted back to the engine room, noting that Dean seemed to have already left a few minutes earlier. Chuck looked like he was about to take a break for breakfast and nodded to Castiel, no longer surprised to see the young man floating in and out at any time.
"Hiya, Castiel. You coming to breakfast?"
"No."
The mechanic frowned, "You're not hungry? Should I get Dean or Bobby, or maybe on of your brothers?"
Again, more worrying and Castiel almost snapped, but instead he calmly shook his head at both questions and laid down in his usual spot beside the engine. He heard Chuck exit the room and sighed at the momentary relief he felt at the solitude.
His voice fell into the familiar echoing hum, trying to let the vibrations become ingrained in himself in some sort of physical memory. Of course he was upset at the idea of someone leaving their home, but what upset him more was the thought of what would happen if he ever had to leave. He couldn't imagine how painful it would be to be ripped from the Impala. It would be like tearing off a limb, it would be like tearing out his heart. What would ever posses him to leave, he didn't even want to try and fathom.
He lay in there for hours, Chuck coming in and out and working around his prone form and thankfully not trying to talk to him too much. Well, perhaps he had tried to talk too much and Castiel had just blocked him out.
It was a weird sensation for him to feel so tired. The healing of Sam's leg had indeed weakened him, but that was only half the story. Everyone on the ship was just so…drained. Emotionally, physically, and it fell to Castiel. How odd was it to not need to sleep, but still feel a constant heavy drag of eyelids or heart? He had found himself actually trying to fall asleep more than he ever had before, just to try and knock away the feeling. It was a long process that involved a lot of staring off at nothing, being rocked by the ship and sung lullabies from the engine. Even so, he was never sure if he was actually asleep. Dean had told him that when he did this, his eyes usually stayed open. In the back of his mind he knew that this made the Captain and the others uncomfortable, but it's not like he could help it.
Today, he once again found himself in the floaty state in between sleep and awareness, where time melts away until it drips by without you noticing. In this half-alert mode, he suddenly heard a voice.
"We're all just floating…"
Slowly he sat up, trying to latch on to the echo to determine the source. He didn't know if it was a voice from another world, another time, or whether it was someone near and solid. He felt odd, detached somehow, like he wasn't actually there but a ghost instead.
He didn't even feel his feet upon the floor as he stood up and made his way out of the engine room. He wasn't even aware of the direction he seemed to be going, he just let himself be led by whatever force was moving his limbs. Oh how tired he was of being a puppet. He had thought that he had cut those controlling strings long ago.
He didn't remember going through the corridor, but suddenly he found himself floating through the common area where Balthazar and Chuck were lounging on the couches, both holding a mug of coffee in their hands as they chatted. It was rather pleasant to see at first, Balthazar socializing again. His elder brother had been so good at talking with people of all sorts, something that Castiel had always been a little bit jealous of. And Chuck just looked happy to be hearing what was one of Balthazar's favorite stories from his wild youth. Castiel smiled when he recognized it.
Chuck's mouth was hanging open in shock, "No way! You couldn't have!"
Balthazar roared out laughing and slapped Chuck's knee with a loud smack, "That's just it, man! I wish I was lying…I just…" he paused to gasp in breath as he tried to push back his laughter to try and finish.
Castiel felt the corners of his lips curling even more as he saw the open happiness on his brother's face. It had been so long since he had seen him so relaxed.
"You know, we'd all just got kicked out of the building, something about it being government property, and we were all still completely plastered and now without a place to hang. We had to do something!"
"But, naked? Really?" Chuck asked, his voice in a whisper like it was forbidden to speak of such things above a certain volume.
Balthazar roared again, "Naked! Of course! The most fun things in the 'verse are all done naked, and anything else fun can be even more fun if naked. Just picture it, Chuckie…" he held his hand in the air as if it would reveal a picture before them, "hopscotch…"
Chuck looked at the open air before them in awe, "So, the feds showed up?" he prodded, wanting to hear the rest of the story.
"Ah, well, there were no feds…until I started singing."
They both broke out laughing again, but in between his chuckles, Balthazar was still trying to speak, "This-this story was not," an undignified snort, "meant to be funny when I told Cassy... and my little fourteen year old brother had to scrape me off the sidewalk. When I had finally found my feel and purged my stomach I told him very seriously that-that is was a morality tale about the evils of moonshine. I told him this while hunched over a toilet! I swear he was about to pull out some paper to take notes! Such a literal child!"
Castiel watched them shyly smiling as he recalled that morning, but the smile fell as suddenly the whole world seemed to zoom in on his brother and the sadness and regret swimming in the back of his eyes.
"I would be there right now, with my friends and no cares in the world, and Cassy would still be the little brother I knew and loved. Not the pathetic stranger and freak I see now. It hurts to look at him now."
Castiel flinched and felt himself fleeing from the room, somehow the horrible words being masked in happy laughter, "I mean it was…it was either that, or I would sing the Garrison anthem. I'm not entirely sure…the reports were quite varied and Cassy said he couldn't recognize the tune."
He felt unbalanced as he continued on, again not even aware of where he was headed. The only thing that kept him from floating away completely was the soft touch of his hand on the wall as he moved along.
Then the texture of the metal wall panels changed and he knew he had arrived in the dining area where the sounds of dishes clinking in the sink was heard. Bobby stood at the water, washing the dishes from lunch while Meg was seated at the table sharpening her knives. She was looking up at Bobby with something akin to sympathy and disbelief.
"So like…never?"
Bobby was blushing hard and scrubbing perhaps a bit too hard at one of the plastic plates, "Well, no…Some orders allows Sheppard's to marry, but I just didn't end up so lucky I suppose."
Meg looked at bit confused, "But…you still get the urge, right? They don't…cut it off or nothing?"
The plate he was washing was dropped into the sink with a plop, "I'm still very much intact, thank you," he huffed and threw a wet rag at her face. It was a sign of how much respect Meg had for the preacher that she didn't throw one of her knives in response, but then again, she had been behaving herself since that whole mess on Ariel…
Then just like before it was like Meg was suddenly amplified and her voice filtered out from the air.
"Gotta keep a happy face or I'll be out of a job. Don't be stupid and just wait for the next opportunity. Don't let the money distract me or that freak will kill me. And I thought I was a demon…these guys have no idea I'm just a kitten compared to our wolf in sheep's wool."
Castiel frowned and stepped back from the table in shame. Hesitantly he glanced up at Bobby, the kind caring soul that was trying his best to help him, but Bobby wasn't even looking at Castiel. Still he heard the preacher's voice ring out as clear as if it was in his head.
"I don't give half a hump if you're innocent or not. Can't stand to see those two boys hurt more. So where the hell does that put you?"
With a pain in his gut like he had been punched, he backed out of the room as the sounds suddenly came back at full volume, like everything else had been on mute. The dishes continued to clink innocently in the sink, and Meg's wet stone slid up and down the knife in smooth strokes.
He didn't want to stay in that room any longer. Both of them felt so stifled…
He let himself be pulled down the corridor, not at all in protest. He didn't want to remain in that room for a moment longer. He couldn't be cross with Meg as he had thought the same thing himself many times. They had no idea…
He floated on the drift until he came to the hallway outside of the control room where he felt the presence of Gabriel and Sam. He was made to pause outside of the door, not at all noticed by the pair, but then again, they were a bit distracted.
Sam was seated in the pilots' chair, and the pilot seated on him. They were both still fully clothed, but that didn't deter from the passion and love between them as they sat entwined as they touched and kissed.
Castiel stood entranced by it. Normally he would have turned away to give them privacy, but whatever was happening today was different. Their shared emotions did more than leak into Castiel's mind. This time it leaked into his being, and for a moment he was consumed by the gentle lust and love. He felt the tingle in Sam's gut, the breathlessness of Gabriel, the warmth shared.
They weren't thinking of their brothers at all for once. That part of their mind that housed Castiel and Dean was for once quiet. It was a foreign feeling that should have pleased Castiel, but instead it made him feel somewhat empty. They were so happy together…
He wasn't needed here, so he floated away.
Castiel drifted past the infirmary when he heard footsteps above him. He glanced up, somehow seeing and hearing everything that was transpiring on the floor above, where Anna's shuttle was. Perhaps he was a ghost. The thought didn't bother him as much as it should have.
The strange cold numbness that had enveloped him since he had "awoken" warmed a bit at seeing Dean where he was pacing the shuttle floor in front of a somewhat agitated Anna on the couch. They had this same conversation before it seemed, going by the amount of times both of them were rolling their eyes.
"It's not a threat, Dean. They just think that I have lost my way and they want to give me time to…re-set."
"You mean, re-program! Anna, you can't let them rule your life like this!"
"Dean, this is what I signed on for long before I met any of you. It's my life."
Dean growled, "You have a life here! You said so yourself! You have always been one of us, one of the crew. Would it kill you to not spread for a spell and think about a career change? You wouldn't have to pretend anymore, think about it!"
Anna sighed, actually letting a bit of anger show on her delicate features, "This is who I am, Dean. I don't want to go. I really don't, but I'll lose so much if I stay. I have status, I have friends in high places…what good am I to the crew without that?"
"I've told you before, that doesn't matter. We'll find you something to do on the ship," but Dean knew from having this same argument ten times before, Anna wasn't about to become a criminal because Dean wished it so.
"It's only a matter of time…I can't lose anything else I love. I lost Pamela because I rebelled. It's only a matter of time…. before this family is ripped apart. I can't stay here to see it. I can't stay here to see how it will kill you when Castiel is gone…it's only a matter of time."
Dean's angry face was suddenly lax and dead looking as the universe dipped out of focus again, his voice drifting through the air even though his lips never moved.
"Keep the family together. You can only trust family. If you lose them, you'll have no one. You'll be alone again, left if the darkness and darkness you'll become. Look out for your family, Dean."
The desperation that wrapped around Dean's frame was squeezing him like a pincer and Castiel felt his own chest constrict painfully, cutting off his breath. He staggered back, confused and dizzy. He had to leave now and he opened his eyes to see that he was no longer in the shuttle. He let himself be pulled along.
He knew he was in the cargo hold when he felt the change of floor grating to cold and smooth panels. His had closed his eyes, hoping that he wouldn't see anything else. It was getting to be too much for him to handle. All he wanted to do was curl up in his and Dean's bed and hide under the covers until the rest of the 'verse disappeared. He just wanted it to be quiet.
He trusted whatever force that was moving him along to keep him from bumping into any crates as he was led across the hold. He absently felt the smooth surface beneath him, odd since he wasn't entirely sure he still had feet, but then he stepped on something and it cracked loudly, echoing over the whole room.
Slowly he pried his eyes open to see an old dead branch on the ground, smashed in the center where Castiel had crushed it. He bent down to trace a finger over it, wondering when the last time was that he saw a tree. What was this branch doing here?
He stood up and looked around to maybe find a clue or answer. Instead he found himself staring at the floor of the hold where red and brown dead and decaying leaves were scattered everywhere, dead branches strewn in random places…
He felt his heartrate increase and he frantically went to touch a few of the leaves and other branches, not sure if what he was seeing was real or not, but they all cracked and crinkled in the right places. How could this be?
He picked up a branch and held it against his chest like a child would a stuffed animal. He was surrounded by dying things, still clinging to the last bits of life. Spring had been that somewhat cold, but getting warmer time when he first arrived. Then came the summer, so wonderful and full of life, hope and happiness. Was it time for fall already? Was it all coming to an end? How could he ever survive the winter?
"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think…" he choked out, trying to convince himself he was wrong. This wasn't what was to come. This couldn't be…
The universe suddenly swam back again, full volume and making his head swim at the sudden change. He felt his feet again, he knew where he was. Nothing was dragging him anywhere…but it was so loud! All around him the crew was shouting and surrounding him. Where had they come from?! Why were they so scared? Why were they yelling?! It was all jumbled together and he was overwhelmed, unsure who to look at first or where to go. He was no longer being led and he almost wished that someone else was in control of him again because he just didn't know where to go.
Balthazar was off to his left, eyes wide and terrified as he inched closer, for whatever reason not coming closer than an arm reach away, "Cassy, you know that's not to be touched…" he shouted, his voice verging on panic.
"Stop yelling at him, That's only going to make it worse," Sam tried to state calmly, but in keeping his voice low by example his words were lost on the others.
"Cas, son, it's alright—" Bobby's voice came from behind making him twirl around and almost lose his balance. He squeezed the branch tighter in his hands.
"Cassy-bear, please. Just…please." Gabriel sounded like he was about to cry.
Then Dean stepped into frame, deep sadness in his eyes covered by stabbing panic, "Cas! Please, don't hurt yourself. Just put it down. You're in no danger, I promise."
Cas was just confused, why would Dean think he was going to hurt himself? Or that he felt threatened. He was home wasn't he? He turned to Chuck and Anna who were both standing back from the chaos. They both startled when he met their eyes and they each stepped back, fear evident in their expressions and body language. They were scared of him?
Their eyes were on his hands and he looked down, expecting to find the branch he had found, but instead he found a gun, a simple pistol, but it was loaded and the safety was off. He looked at it in awe and bewilderment and then glanced around the hold, noting that all of the leaves had disappeared.
"Cassy, what were you thinking? How did you get ahold of that?" Balthazar pleaded.
"Don't yell at him!" Dean hissed, but he was looking at Castiel, waiting for an answer.
"It…it was in my hand. I was asleep…I was asleep. I was awake."
He saw Dean's eyes slam shut as if he was punched in the stomach. That wasn't what he wanted to hear apparently. Castiel shrank back ashamed and hugged himself tightly, suddenly feeling very cold. The gun awkwardly bumped his side.
Dean had opened his eyes again, looking decidedly very pale as he reached his hand forward. He was also inching forward warily, like he was approaching a wild animal. It made Castiel shrink back more, flinching like he was about to be struck.
His eyes were wide and worried, "You're angry, why are you angry?"
"I'm not angry! I just… Just let me…" he closed the last few feet in a second and snatched away the gun from his hands. Castiel barely noticed. He was just too confused.
Dean felt the gun in his hand, noting the weight and knowing that it was fully loaded, and of course the safety was off too. Meg was next to him and took not of the same thing.
"Oh man. Crazy guy and a gun ready to go? That's a recipe for unpleasantness as most would think," she commented lightly. Everyone wanted to growl back at her, but they knew she was right.
"Cas? Do you understand how bad this is?" Dean asked forcibly.
"He understands. He doesn't comprehend."
"Right. Well, I'm glad we've made that distinction. No touching guns, capiche?"
"Yeah, I capiche."
He was suddenly filled with a deep anger as he looked at all the frightened and concerned faces around him. He just couldn't get it right. No matter what he did or didn't do, there would always be people scared of him, worried about him…it would never be quiet. There were just too many damn voices now.
He moved quickly out of the hold, roughly pushing by the wall of people who tried to stop him.
"Cas!" he heard Dean and his brothers call, but he didn't stop to listen.
"It's getting very, very crowded!" he shouted back over his shoulder. He had to get away from them. It was too much. The engine room called to him.
Sorry if that chapter was a bit confusing, but without the magic of camera work, it was kinda hard to describe what was going on. But anyway! That was tragic :D
