I sacrificed your love
I am haunted by this day, by your last minutes I didn't witness, by those last words I couldn't tell you.
For a reason I don't know, by an act I don't understand, they decided to take your life, to take you away from me.
All these years spent away from you, I built myself an acceptable person, not the person I was, the person others wanted me to be, this flawless woman, this devoted wife, this perfect mother. I had locked myself in, protected myself, forgotten my own self.
Everything collapsed.
When I saw you, after all this time, I didn't dare to look at you, I didn't like the person I had become, the person I had created for others, the person you had seen through the screens. You used to know me as the bright, solitary and persevering woman I was in Georgetown, the one who entered this world to move the lines, the one who spent her nights working with an overwhelming ambition...
And it took a few minutes for you to find her, the one I was, the one I am, this woman who was so strong and frightening to me, that I still tried to contain her for a while, but not with you, never with you.
With you I relived, I learned again, I fought, for my career, for my place, for my life.
There were these few months, out of time, these trips, these nights at the hotel, at home, these moments in your office, your hands touching me under the tables, your gaze catching mine in court, this freedom that I had given myself.
Those feelings I allowed myself to feel, your answer I waited for and the fear that overwhelmed me. This abysmal fear of losing you without seeing it coming, this fear that our love would be forbidden and everything will fall apart.
That fear that made me run away, it hurts, I wanted you to call me back, to hold me back, I left and stopped looking back.
I blamed you, I blamed myself and then I understood: I sacrificed your love, you chose hatred.
The darkness in your eyes, your anger, your pain, so hard to see, but it will pass, with time.
This time I didn't get it, this time escaped, this day, this last trial, this weapon, it was you she chose. Today I can't find the words, I can't find the strength. Your name remains unpronounceable; some parts of my body have become untouchable.
My heart stopped, and with you, I walked away. I have to move forward, live, but not like before, for you I will finally live for myself.
William, take away my sufferings and regrets, I will love you forever.
