II

Always


It was early evening when he began to stir awake once again.

I had taken it upon myself to drag him back to bed, and the moment that I pulled him back into bed, he rested his head against my shoulder and lost consciousness within minutes of that. Everyone was still getting used to not having to look over their shoulder and live in the moment as opposed to just taking all the time in the world to enjoy each other.

It was beyond pleasing to be able to just be here with him. Nobody was carting him away to toil in the darkness... not even himself. That realization hung heavy every night that we had been together since escaping. That first night, he hadn't been sure if he wanted to sleep in the same room as me. Now, there wasn't any fear to back that up logically, just the fact that he was nervous about sharing a space with me for the first time in a long time. I wound up laying on the spare bed and he sat down on the couch for a half hour.

Needless to say, I woke up the next morning with Saeran in my bed.

It had stayed that way ever since then. I wasn't going to complain about it; When he and I were not the same room or close enough to each other where we could see one another, the separation anxiety got too strong. Saeran would start to disconnect with the world, fearing the worst, and thinking he was back at Mint Eye, and my chest would start to beat hurriedly, fearful of his safety and wellbeing. We were working on that... but since the closeness wasn't suffocating, we were fine being as close as we could be for now.

Thinking about everything... we tended to do that together, plan for what our next steps could be, and work from there. Yet, there were still a lot of things left unspoken. While he slept, I could think about all of these things, and everything else that was weighing on my mind.

In retrospect, the moments when I was awake and Saeran was asleep, those were the times that I really could think for myself and realize just how much had happened to him- and just how much had happened to me. It had been mere weeks ago that I had been in my own apartment, watching the rain pour down from my window, all alone. I spent those days longing for something that I could not have. Yet, today, I was here with Saeran Choi of all people, in his twin brother's bunker waiting for him to arise from his slumber.

I just laid there and thought about how all of this could have happened. Never did I once figure out the answer, as it was left abandoned often in the back of my mind so I could focus on other things.

However it all happened, it somehow sorted itself out in a way that worked to the benefit of Saeran and myself. He was out of Mint Eye once and for all, and he could make his own choices. I had found out the long-awaited answer to my question but it cost me a relationship with my family, but I had gained a new family in the process.

As had Saeran.

The RFA was so much better than I had thought. My just talking with them in the chatroom had been nothing compared to what it felt like to stand face to face with everyone, they had shown me all of the compassion in the world, and took me in without question. They took one look at Saeran and ignored the fact that he had hacked the chatroom, and took him with open arms as they would have with his brother. Even as we held our breath, Saeran couldn't deny that he had felt nervous about coming face to face with the RFA. I could recall that moment with vivid clarity as it had been the first time that Saeran and I had come into contact with people that weren't hellbent on destroying us.

Jumin and Jaehee took him without question, and he got to work after the small formalities. Yoosung and Zen were working hard on their own tasks, but I shared a few words with them as well, and that was that. There was no mention of what we had just left, only talk of what we had to do, and what we were going to do for Saeyoung. I had been awed by how easy it was for them to just accept us in spite of everything... even though I had known that they would never have turned either of us away, it was still amazing to see how big their hearts could be.

They knew that deep down, even someone like Saeran could be good... just like I had. I smiled inwardly and ran my fingers through his white hair mindlessly back and forth. Before I met him, I would never have let myself get so close to another guy like this. I had just gravitated to him so naturally that I surprised even myself when I took a lot of the first steps. For a girl with crippling panic attacks that spring up at the worst times, I had somehow been able to let myself trust people again.

Would he ever know how grateful I was for him... for Ray... Saeran... all of him? I hope he knew that.

I then noticed that the rise and fall of his chest had changed, the once repetitive motion that had followed to the beat of his heart, was now a little quickened from that. Oh, he wasn't asleep anymore, but he hadn't made himself known. "Hey, I know you're awake," I found speaking up, "Are you pretending to be asleep so I keep doing this?"

"Mmm," he gave a hum in response.

"That doesn't answer the question. I won't stop, though, if you like it. I don't think you've been able to sleep this long before... at least, not in a while. Do you feel a little better now that you've slept?" I asked.

He opened his half-lidded eyes and stared at me. "How long did you let me sleep, Lila?"

"Couple of hours... tops. I figured you wouldn't mind in the end."

Saeran sighed but nodded his head. It seemed like he felt a little better after a bit of rest, and that was the least that I could ask for. "Yeah. I feel a lot better now, considerably. I'm so used to running on no sleep that I didn't realize that it could catch up to me as it could. Thanks for making sure I didn't hurt myself earlier."

"Of course, I would never let that happen," I said, cocking my head just enough to brush my lips against his cheek. "You haven't let me go since I got you back into bed. I wasn't going anywhere but right here with you."

Saeran smiled, but the look didn't seem to reach his eyes. It seemed like there was something that he wanted to ask but he couldn't quite work up to that big courage to do it. He waited for a moment and then finally asked. "Did anything strange happen to me earlier, Lila? I can't seem to recall everything that happened."

"...Oh," I hesitated, and then told him the truth. "Ray was out for a little while."

Saeran was strangely quiet as he took that information in. It probably hit him that he wasn't as put together as he wanted to believe, and while that must have bothered him, it wasn't like Ray had done anything out of line. He had just popped out because Saeran was overwhelmed with everything. I figured that's how he had been crafted in the process of his trauma. Gaps of his memory were lost to whichever personality ruled his body at the time, even if they were trying to work together as a system now.

"I see. I thought I meant it when I said Saeran and Ray... were one." He rested his hand against the back of my head. His fingers tangled betwixt the loose curls, and he shut his eyes, sighing.

"With all of your anxiety and exhaustion lately, I guess he was the one who came out when you felt so awful so you wouldn't have to deal with the brunt of it, Saeran, after all, isn't that what he did in the first place?" I explained, leaning my body into his grasps. "His voice was just stronger this morning. I'm sure that's going to happen every now and again... but there's nothing wrong with that."

"Thank you... for understanding. Anyone else would have left by now... but you're still here with me."

"Of course, silly, I told you, I'll always be right here by your side."


Wisteria has entered the chatroom.

Wisteria: Oh, is nobody online?

Wisteria: This hasn't happened before.

Wisteria: I guess everyone is busy with their own work.

Wisteria: Huh.

Yoosung has entered the chatroom.

ZEN has entered the chatroom.

Yoosung: Hey, Lila!

ZEN: Hey, you stole my line.

Yoosung: You should have typed faster, then!

Zen: How are you, Lila?

Wisteria: I'm fine, guys.

Wisteria: I've been with Saeran most of the day.

ZEN: She's definitely in good hands then.

Yoosung: Did you really make him sleep all day?

Wisteria: ୧༼✿ ͡◕ д ◕͡ ༽୨

Wisteria: He was no match for my puppy dog eyes.

Wisteria: Are you doing alright yourself, Zen? I haven't heard from you in a few days.

ZEN: I'm flattered you were worried about me, Jagiya!

ZEN: I have just been busy with the play, and yesterday was the first time that I got to sit back and catch my breath.

Wisteria: Of course, you earned it!

Yoosung: (;•͈́༚•͈̀) Lucky.

Wisteria: Hey, you volunteered to help Jumin and Jaehee, Yoosung.

Wisteria: You should have known they would have roped you into being a babysitter.

ZEN: You just keep that furball far away from me.

Yoosung: She's not with me now, I'm back at my apartment.

Yoosung: Finally trying to get some food... aaaaaa.

Wisteria: That's good to hear! If you said you hadn't had anything I was going to march over there and make sure you did!

Wisteria: I have to make sure that Saeran remembers to eat too.

Wisteria: =͟͟͞͞( •̀д•́))) You boys have such bad habits! It makes me so angry!

ZEN: Ooooh, you're in trouble, Yoosung.

Yoosung:(ΟΔΟ;;)Forgive me! I won't do it again!

Wisteria: ɾ ▿ ɹ

Wisteria: Good boy!

ZEN: lmao lmao lmao

Yoosung: ((((*。_。)_

Yoosung: Somehow, I feel worse for Saeran.

Wisteria: Oh, he always listens to me when I have a good point.

Wisteria: Although... he usually kisses me before I get onto him.

Wisteria: (´꒳`)

Yoosung: Lucky.

Wisteria: Oh, do you want a kiss from Saeran too, Yoosungie?

ZEN: (ಡ艸ಡ)

Wisteria: (ಡ艸ಡ)

Yoosung: WHAT

Yoosung: no no no no n o

Yoosung: He's not my type of guy—

Wisteria: Oh, I know your type of guy. (ಡ艸ಡ)

Yoosung: LILA NO

Wisteria: I swore to not tell don't worry—

ZEN: OH?

ZEN: Tell me, Lila.

ZEN: Yoosung needs all the help he can get. ;)

Wisteria: Oh, well...

Saeran has entered the chatroom.

Yoosung: Saeran!

Saeran: Oh, here you are, Lila.

Wisteria: Oops.

Wisteria: Um, were you looking for me?

Yoosung: Thank goodness, saved by Saeran.

Saeran: ? ? ?

Yoosung: It's nothing!

Saeran: ...Alright.

Saeran: I was wondering where you went.

Saeran: Usually when I can't find you, you're in the chatroom.

Wisteria: I'm outside! I'm not that far from the front door, Saeran.

Wisteria: I haven't really done that since we got here since we've been so busy trying to put everything back together. I used to close myself up in my apartment but I just can't do that to myself anymore.

Saeran: ...I understand.

Saeran: It makes sense that you would

Wisteria: No, no, no, no, no!

Wisteria: Oh, no. It's not because of that, Saeran!

Wisteria: ( •⌄• ू )✧ I just wanted to watch the sunset.

Saeran: Oh.

Saeran: Then... you wouldn't mind if I joined you, would you?

Wisteria: Of course not!

Wisteria: Wait.

Wisteria: ...Saeran, have you been standing behind me this entire time?

Wisteria: I can feel you behind me, sir!

Saeran: Only for a few minutes.

Saeran: I couldn't help it... you were humming that song again... and I didn't want to stop you.

Saeran: I love the way your voice sounds.

Wisteria: (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)⁄

Wisteria: NEXT TIME TELL ME YOU'RE THERE!

Saeran: Are you embarrassed?

Wisteria: Saeran Choi!

Wisteria has left the chatroom.

Saeran: Oh, I think I'm in trouble now.

Saeran has left the chatroom.

Yoosung: (っ- ‸ – ς)

Yoosung: Those two are really something.

Yoosung: I wish I had someone like that.

ZEN: I'm almost jealous of them too.

ZEN: But I am happy for them... all things considered, whatever they went through at that place where Saeran was tortured... and now with the Prime Minister and Luciel...

ZEN: I think they deserve the chance to just be a normal couple.

Yoosung: Yeah.

ZEN: Saeran has been pretty quiet but I've noticed he's been popping into the chatroom more frequently.

Yoosung: It's only when Lila's online though!

ZEN: Well, he really doesn't know how to talk to people... at least that's what Lila said.

ZEN: I still feel pretty dumb when he's so coolheaded.

Yoosung: He's nothing like Seven. That's for sure.

Yoosung: I can't really tell what he's thinking.

Zen: It's a nice change of pace to Luciel's antics... I never thought he would have a brother, much less a guy like Saeran.

Yoosung: Yeah... I'm sure he'd be happy to know that his brother is doing great with us now.

Zen: And he can thank us, and especially Lila when he gets back.

Yoosung: Yeah! You're right!

Yoosung: Speaking of family... Lila and I were talking about her family, when I spoke with her last she told me that she hadn't been in contact with any of her family back in America since she got wrapped in this mess. She said she really missed her sister, but they had a spat or something.

Zen: Huh. She mentioned that to me in passing once, too.


"You're lucky I love you, and—" her words were caught in her throat as she gasped. Lila whipped her head around and stared up at him, as her eyes flickered between confusion and mystery at his sudden change in appearance. She shoved her phone back into her pocket and sprang up to her feet; Lila reached out and brushed her hands against his now very red locks, pursing her lips. "What the heck did you do to your hair, Saeran?"

What had he done, indeed?

While Lila had left him to take care of a few things, he had made the rash decision to do something that might have hurt him more then it did well. The last time that he had messed with his hair, he had haphazardly and angrily doused his locks in lightener. It had taken him a few attempts to try and get all of the red out, and what he had been left with was whiteish locks with the faintest hint of pink tips. Now, his hair was back to what it had been before he had tried to destroy every ounce of his identity.

It was time for a new start.

If he wanted to be able to find his past self, then he had to start by living as he once did. His hair was now back to being as red as it had once been only a few years ago. It also served as a constant reminder of the person that he had to save. Saeran raised his hand to his own hair to brush his bangs out of his eyes. "It's something... to remind me that I need to save Saeyoung. I can't exactly avoid it if I see my own reflection like this, you know what I mean?" he murmured.

Lila's brown eyes softened at the mention of his brother. She took Saeran's hand in her own and smiled at him. "You didn't have to do something like that, Saeran, you know very well that we're going to save him no matter what."

He felt better knowing that she was assured of him no matter what. However, he still had doubts about himself. After Ray had come out, he had realized that he needed to make a better effort to work with his system. His identity was still this kind of a blur, where bits of pieces of himself were still fragmented into two beings, but this part of him was still a work in progress. This would give him the chance to pick what he wanted to looked like, who he wanted to be, and it all started with the choice to be able to do this.

However, it meant a lot to him to know that Lila liked the way that he looked. Often, he would shudder at the sight of his own body in the mirror. The way his eyes had darkened underneath his lids from staring at computers all day and night, the way that his bones jaunt out of his body, the unhealthy pallor to his skin, his unkempt hair, his voice, his clothes, and worst of all, he couldn't decide which of those features he didn't like the most. There was no turning off that frame of mind.

Lila had often mentioned that she felt the same when she got a glimpse of herself in mirrors. She often saw the imperfections in herself that he would have never noticed. Maybe... maybe it was the same for her as it was for him. She saw what he didn't see in himself, and vice versa.

With her eyes on him, he wasn't sure what to say.

"You don't like it?" was the most that he could muster.

Lila only laughed, shaking her head. She leaned up on the tips of her toes to steal a kiss from his lips. "I think it suits you, Saeran. It doesn't really matter to me what you look like, just that you like what you look like!" She hummed, "Although, this definitely means that the redhead is my favorite person in this game now."

She was teasing him about some of the sour words that had left his mouth in the past. Back then, he would have been upset and scared to hear that she liked his brother more than him, but hearing these words now did not upset him. It made him feel like he was normal. It felt like he was at ease when she said she loved him. Her laughter never completely subsided.

"Are you sure about that, princess?" he countered, leaning down to rest his forehead against hers. "You know how that answer makes me feel. You should know better than to say that. That wasn't your answer the first time around, now was it, Lila? What exactly was it that you said back then? I know you remember."

Lila paused to grasp his sleeves and bring his attention to her and only her; She opened her eyes and stared into his green ones. "Tell me, how do I pursue you, Ray?" she purred.

Saeran felt his heart skip a beat. "Did you figure the answer to that question?"

Rather than answering that question, she brushed her lips against his to steal a kiss, and another, and another, and then another in a row. It was the kind of repetitive and lingering kiss that stole the threatened to steal the air from your lungs because you refused to budge. Lila wouldn't let him go, and he refused to let her go free from his grasp. With no words whatsoever, she gave him the very answer that he was looking for, and a lot more than what he expected to receive.

"Does that answer your question?" she said, upon pulling away and blinking her eyes innocently. "Or do I need to take it from the stop?"

"Maybe one more time, just to be sure."

"Sure thing, honey."