I updated, yey! Sorry, I know it's short. I just wanted to get it posted. Hopefully, the next one will be longer. I keep getting distracted by the actual show! By the way, thank you for the reviews/follows!
Enjoy! XD

Mistakes

How dare he, Brendan thought as he listened to the crazed man in front of him, how dare he threaten me. The people I love.

"I wonder who'll be first. What about Cheryl, the beloved sister? Or Joel, the adoptive son? Or Ste... Steven." Walker looked at him and smirked, a cruel twitch of his lips that barely resembled a smile. Brendan wondered, as he lay, helpless, in the hospital bed, how he'd ever trusted the maniac in front of him. How could he have identified with him? Thought of him as a partner in crime, a friend maybe. How had he let himself get forced into this situation? He thought of that night, when he'd been controlled by fear and desperation. He thought of how he'd touched Walker. Fucked him. It didn't matter that it hadn't meant anything, didn't matter that it had been animalistic and fuelled by anger and hate. Didn't matter that it could've been anyone, any other willing body. All that mattered was that Brendan had slept with Walker and it made him feel sick to his stomach. All that mattered was that he'd done everything wrong, broke every one of his rules. Weak, Brendan thought with despair, I'm so god-damn weak.

"You thought I didn't know, didn't you? About you and Ste." Walker laughed, shaking his head. "But I'd have been blind to miss it. Every night, you'd stare at that deli. Every time he walked by, you'd follow him with your eyes. You love him, don't you? I can see it, whenever you look at him. Whenever he's mentioned. You're obsessed."

"Shut the fuck up, Walker." Brendan growled, eyes narrowed dangerously.

Walker quirked an eyebrow in challenge, "That reminds me. He's engaged, isn't he? To that American boy. Doug. Their engagement party's tomorrow. I heard Ste talking about it with Cheryl. He looked... happy. Really happy. How's it feel, Brendan? Doesn't it hurt, knowing the man you love is happy with someone else? Doesn't it tear you apart inside?"

Brendan's jaw clenched as he listened to Walker taunting him. Steven, the engagement- it was still raw. Walker was pouring salt in to an open wound, discussing things Brendan wasn't ready to discuss.

"It's a shame, really. Because soon, I'm going to have to spoil that happiness. Ste should enjoy it while it lasts."

Brendan shook with anger, with fear, with pain. He could live with the misery if Steven married Douglas because he knew that the lad would be safe, would be happy. To Brendan, that was enough. But he couldn't deal with Steven being hurt. Couldn't deal with it if he... if he died. Brendan wouldn't, couldn't, let that happen. He couldn't live with the loss, never mind the guilt. Steven didn't deserve the... the poison that surrounded him, that destroyed everything Brendan touched. He deserved so much more. He deserved the whole god-damn world and Brendan knew, he knew, that he could've been the one to give him it. If thing's had been different, if he'd been different. Stronger, smarter, braver, better. Normal. If Brendan had been normal, then maybe they could've had a chance. But Brendan wasn't normal, had never stood a chance, not with his upbringing. Brendan was a monster and Steven was going to pay the price.

"You can't do this, Walker. Please don't do this. Don't hurt him. Please, Walker. You're fights with me. He's innocent. Please. He hasn't done anything wrong." Brendan begged because he wasn't above begging - not for Steven. Anything for Steven. But one look into Walker's cold eyes showed that it was pointless. Walker was beyond reason.

"Yes he has. He loves you and you love him. That's enough to sign his death sentence, I'm afraid." With that, Walker spun around and left, leaving Brendan cursing behind him.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, How could I let this happen?

"Nurse. Nurse!" He screamed, hearing the click of heels as a woman rushed through the door, "I need to get out of here."


"Ste... Ste. Hey, Ste! Are you listening?" Doug's exasperated voice filled Ste's mind, distracting him from his thoughts.

Ste looked up, smiling guiltily. "Sorry."

"That's the third time in ten minutes! You're miles away. What's the matter? Is it Brendan?"

"No!" Ste lied quickly. "It's not. It's just... a lot to take in, you know?"

"I know. We're getting married!" Doug's pleased face made Ste feel like shit. Right in front of him was his perfect boyfriend - fiancé - planning their engagement party and he was thinking about his ex. It's not like he didn't want to make Doug happy, it was just... Ste didn't see the point of some engagement party. They were going to get married. Ste knew that, Doug knew that. Why did the whole village need to know? Ste found himself zoning out of the preparations and letting his mind drift. And, like it usually does when he doesn't keep his thoughts in check, his mind drifted towards a certain Irishman. He wondered how he was, stuck in the hospital. Driving himself mad, probably. Ste could relate. He hated hospitals. They always had this... aura of misery. Like the thousands of grieving families and terrified patients had left a permanent stain on the place. He felt sorry for Brendan, being trapped in one.

"But do we really want to have the party at Chez Chez?" Doug asked, frowning.

"Why not?" Ste sighed, "Cheryl's offered to let us have the place for free. It's on our doorstep and it serves booze. What more do you want?"

"But... you know..."

Ste stared at him blankly.

"Brendan."

Ste sighed again. He was sick of this conversation. Every second word out of Doug's mouth was Brendan this or some love-of-your-life shit. Ste understood, he did. If some ex of Doug's was constantly around, he would be jealous. Hell, he would be more than jealous. He would be fuming. But, Ste had chosen Doug. What more did he want? A kidney?

"Brendan's in hospital. He won't be there. He won't even be mentioned. It's not a problem." Ste insisted.

"But it's his club. He owns it. You really want to have the party in your ex's club?"

"Look, Doug, I've told you that he's not going to be there. I've told you that we're over. What do you want me to say?"

"Nothing. I'm sorry. I didn't mean... I wasn't saying that... I'm sorry, okay? It's just hard, knowing you were with him." Doug looked so fragile then, so uncertain, that it broke Ste's heart. He hated, hated, it when him and Doug fought. Ste knew that it was his fault as well. It usually was. Guilt coiled, ugly and cold, in his belly and he swallowed nervously.

"It's not your fault. Let's not think about it, okay? We should be happy. We're getting married." Ste said gently, keeping his voice neutral and trying not to reveal anything.

Ste put a brave face on it, like he always did. He was just so used to hiding things from people, it had become second nature. Doug didn't need to know that he'd gone to see Brendan. Doug didn't need to know how much it had hurt, seeing him like that. Doug didn't need to know about his fear of the upcoming wedding. Doug didn't need to know about the steadily rising feeling of dread. No, Doug didn't need to know any of it so, like always, Ste lied. It was the easiest solution - let him deal with it himself. It never even occurred to him to be open and honest, like other couples were. The phrase 'a problem shared is a problem halved' wasn't something he grew up hearing. 'Fuck off and do it yourself" was Pauline's motto. Sometimes, when he was feeling particularly distant and isolated, Ste wondered just how much Pauline and Terry had messed him up. He remembered the therapist that he'd had to visit after his disastrous relationship with Amy. He knew he would never go again, even if it had curbed his anger for a while, because he knew, ultimately, that it wasn't the endless talking that had helped him. It was the fact that, back then, he'd had something to fight for. But, lately, it was becoming harder and harder for him to find those things that made him want to be better. The things that made him get up in the morning. Doug was all Ste had left and he just hoped that it was enough, for both of them.

Ste wondered what Doug would think, if he knew everything. If he knew him inside out, every sordid detail. Every terrible mistake. Every dark thought. Every moment of anger and every moment of pain. The good, the bad and the down right ugly. Ste wondered what Doug would say, if he knew about Pauline and what a selfish cow he'd been raised by. If he knew about Terry and his abusive take on parenting. If he knew about Amy and every time he'd hurt her. Ste wondered how Doug would react, if he knew he was marrying a monster.

Rachey Ayy xx