Hey so im not good at parodies but i figured I should still go ahead with it


They were flying through the Arklay Mountains on the search for Bravo Team. Chris was loading his pistol saying, "This Beretta is sweet! Who needs the luscious curve of a woman when I've got you? I'll die before I ever let anybody take you from me."

Barry looked at his old partner as he packed his backpack with necessities and said, "Chris, you 're being kinda queer with that thing. I mean sure I'm a gun enthusiast as much as the next guy and I picked the right career for it I'm even in a super secret organization but even I don't love guns that much and our organization is pretty much all about violence!"

Chris was puzzled, "Super secret organization revolved around violence? Isn't that just the NRA? What's so secret about that?" Barry gulped and said, "The NRA...right! Uh yep. You got me," While nobody was looking he adjusted his back pack and shoved down the pointed white hood made of a white pillow sheet with eye holes cut in it was no longer invisible.

Chris frowned, "But me and Claire have never been apart ever since we met two years ago! We even bathe together!" Jill shot her partner a funny look. "Why would you bathe with a gun? It's dangerous, you're naked and it wouldn't work in there.

Chris nervously said, "Hey...you never know...People could try stuff while I'm in my birthday suit...it's just for protection against uh...commies and..Jehovah's Witnesses. Nothing sexual whatsoever about that. Nothing at all!"

Wesker growled, "Would you all please stop discussing homosexuality and guns? Chris, if you are going to keep being weird with that gun, I'm going to have to take it away from you."

Barry chuckled, "What's wrong with discussing homos, Wesker? What are you a little light in the loafers, boy? You a limp wristed pillow biter?!" Wesker snarled, "No! I'm so much not a homosexual that I...killed a scientist for insinuating I was! His wife had some great knockers so I knobbed her...we had sex on top of his dead body..."

Barry's eyes widened at this story. "Dude...you had sex with a dead guy' wife on top of the dead guy? After you killed him?" Wesker nodded. "Why...yes! She insisted upon it. She said he was...involved in extra marital affairs with some blonde man with an American accent but who occasionally sounded British. I much prefer a woman's wet dripping slit to that of uh...some dudes butt hole."

Barry repeated himself, "You boned some hot babe on top of a dead guy? A gay dead guy which pretty much makes it necrophilia even if he's not aware of it?! You are so..." Wesker dreaded he was going to call him gay but Barry said, " That is so Hetero! High five, buddy!" Wesker scowled through his sunglasses but high fived him and Barry said, "Hoo yah, brother! I wish I could have seen that!"

Chris was puzzled, "Yeah but isn't that kind of gay? I mean you had sex with a dead gay guy on top of his body. Maybe that's not gay but it's not straight either. You had a threesome! And not even the cool kind."

Barry didn't agree with his best friend, "Chris you're reading too much into it, buddy. You see Wesker is actually super hetero. Sure he had sex with a dead gay man's husband on top of the gay man's corpse but by doing that he was actually mocking him and showing him what he was missing out on by being a hershey highway patrolmen! By banging his wife! It's not gay that it was on top of him, even if he was naked. He's showing him how to be a real man by nailing her naked on top of him while naked! It's like BOOM BOOM BOOM! My dick my balls in her snatch right in your face watching me thrust, the sweat of my hairy back as I drive into her dripping slit..."

Chris shook his head. "I don't know, Barry. That sounds like he's bi...oh what's that word I forget...it's like a middle ground between gay and normal..."

Wesker grabbed Chris by the throat and said, "Are you accusing me of being bi lingual?! I'm a Christian man! I should shoot you where you sit and throw you out of this helicopter!"

Jill said, "Calm down, Albert. Chris, I don't think Wesker is gay. This isn't the Navy. This is S.T.A.R.S. we're like the Marines of the police force. Not the Navy. Then again I kind of like the idea of a threesome either way. With two girls or two guys."

Chicken Heart said, "Technically if you were with three girls that would be a four way," Jill corrected him, "No because I'd be one of the three girls. It would still be a threesome but it would be a sushi eating threesome. Sometimes a man just does't know how to eat me right so I need a woman to tongue punch my hot spot."

Wesker looked at Jill with a curiosity, "You're not straight?Are you telling me you are bi lingual?With those sweater puppies I thought for sure you would be!" Jill chuckled, "Wesker, I'm a female cop! The guys who let us in are all gay since they're liberal and they're the ones that let us bed cops in the first place. All female cops have had to eat some snatch somewhere down the line. Have you seen your average lady cop? They look more like Montana lumberjacks. Like if Rosie' O'Donnel and Jodie Foster had a baby...I'm lucky I turned out looking as good as I did..."

Barry pointed out, "But Jodie Foster isn't a lesbo, Jilly bean. She's a cock hound. I mean I can't count how many movies I've seen her in where she was with a man. Plus there was that one movie where she banged a bunch of guys on the pin ball machine I mean she was very clearly a willing participant and seemed to enjoy it very much!"

Jill crossed her arms. "Oh you'll see what I'm talking about...trust me you'll see..."

Brad had a question, "Wait you said that the gay guy you had sex with a woman on top of had been cheating with some blonde guy who was American yet sometimes had a British accent? That sounds suspiciously like you, Albert..."

Wesker tried to sound as American as possible. "What are you talking about, bub? I love apple pie, Ikea, Sony, enchiladas from Aztecas, Volkswagen cars, Oktober Fest, St. Patty's day parades and IRA bombings as much as the next guy! I'm all American! For you to contradict ,me makes you a commie!"

Barry laughed as he cracked open a can of Coors. "Yer damn right! Brad, isn't it obvious what clearly happened? Obviously Al here just looks like his type it's not like he would ever bat for the other team! He probably just looked almost identical to the queer this guy was boning and mistake Albert for him. Albert shot him and then boned his wife on top of his dead naked body as a big middle finger to him, Liberace and Elton John! Real men like Ted Nugent, Ricky Martin and Neil Patrick Harris would be proud of you, buddy."

Joseph, who had been surprisingly quiet, said to Albert, "I for one thing it would be perfectly fine to be bi lingual, Captain. I think it's sexy."

Albert scowled at the man. "Joseph, we have a strict don't ask don't tell policy. I suggest you quit acting like a Roman and start thinking like a Spartan. They were the epitome of heterosexuality!" Just then a bunch of dogs started running toward them Barry cried out, "WHAT IS IT?!"

Jill scolded, "Goddamn it, Barry that's not your line yet! Haven't you ever seen Animal Planet? They're pumas!" Chris fired at one of them saying, "I don't think so Jill...they look like dogs to me..."

Jill snarled, "Damn it Chris you bone head they have ears that stick up Everybody knows all dogs have floppy ears!" Wesker ordered Barry, "Try to flank them!" Barry replied, "Sir yes sir!" He saluted Captain Wesker by extending the right arm in the air with a straightened hand.

"Uh...Barry this is America. That's not how you salute your Captain. And get your gun out you idiot!"

Barry aimed his Colt at Wesker's face and said, "Yes sir! Ooops i mean uh..." He used his other hand to salute him the right way before he began discharging the pistol.

Just then some of the dogs pounced on Joseph and began to chomp on him. "Oh dear God...help!" Chris ran up to the dog and started going, "Tssst! No! No! That's a bad dog! You get off him! Jill killed one of them with a head shot and yelled, "Idiot, that's not how you do it! You have to shoot them!"

Chris fired an entire mag into the pack and dropped two of them. Chris turned to Brad and said, "Hey Vickers we gotta get outta here! We'll call the station for backup! These dogs are all over!" Brad snorted, "Sucks to be you!" He began to fly out of there. Jill cursed, "Shit! We're all going to die and that asshole is going to probably live to be an old man!"

Chris calmly said, "Yeah probably."

Chris looked to see more dogs coming so he removed a bag of beef jerky and threw it which distracted them and Chris began to take off for the mansion. "Somebody help me please...!" He cried like a little girl. Barry finished off the dogs attacking Joseph and took is wallet. Albert scolded him,"The man just died! Sure he was bi partisan but that's no reason to steal his money!"

Barry got a flare of anger in his face. "How dare you!" He grabbed him by the collar pointing the .357 at his face. "Do I look like my name is Barry Burton? Or Barry Goldstein?! What kind of crook do you take me for?!"

The larger man then saw a coupon. "Oooh! Buy one Baskin and Robins double scoop get another free! Sweet! Ah well Joe! Have fun in hell! I'm sure there will be other bi polars with you buddy. Say hi to Gandhi for me!"

They high tailed it to the mansion and Barry grabbed Chris by the collar this time as they got inside. "Just what the hell do you think you're doing, Chris? That was a perfectly good bag of Jack's Links you just threw to those damn mutts!"

Chris explained, "I was unable to reload I was just trying to buy some time so they'd feed on something besides me!" Barry frowned, "Very selfish of you Chris! You shouldn't have thrown it to the dogs you should have thrown it to my belly! Damn you!"

Wesker told them, "Shut up. We need to figure out where we are."

Just then they heard a gunshot. "What was that?" Wesker asked. "Maybe it's...Chris?" Barry suggested. "I'm right here you dumb ass!" Barry retorted, "Well maybe I'd be able to concentrate better if I wasn't so hungry! Who the fuck throws away an entire bag of jerky! Dick move!"

Chris said, "Well I killed just as many of those hyenas as you did, Bear. I killed some of God's innocent creatures...our national symbol in this country...and I actually liked it. I think death turns me on!"

With that he kissed the gun. "All thanks to you, Claire. God you're so beautiful," With that he began to deep throat the gun's barrel and rolled his eyes back in his head. "Oh Claire...you taste so much like mom. You smell like papa breathing down my neck after a hard day mining coal...oh baby..." He left a trail of saliva.

Albert put a stop to this. "That's enough. Give me your gun. I won't have any of that foolishness."

Chris handed it over and said, "Will I get her back?" Wesker said, "I'll think about it. Now go and investigate that noise. Me, Barry and Jill are going to try and find a Wendy's. Do you want us to bring you something when we get back?" Chris thought a moment and then said, "Pepperoni pizza."

With that he went off to investigate the noise.


Okay that's all for this very brief chapter I'll try and parody the other RE games once i finish with this one I'm, not sure how my warped humor appeals to any of you but hopefully you will have enjoyed some of it. As you can see all of the characters are very dumb I like that kind of humor where people on TV shows get things so incorrect you just feel bad for them.

As for Jodie Foster the joke in that is she did come out as a lesbian the reference to her on a pin ball machine was a reference to that film The Accused if you saw that movie and that scene you'd know it was pretty horrible and no laughing matter but a lt of the jokes from cartoons like family guy and drawn together since then where Peter or Captain Hero gets raped was pretty funny to me and I just thought the absurdity in what Barry said should make you face palm and hopefully chuckle at the same time.

Any who this isn't as serious as my action/romance/horror RE stories but feedback is appreciated