This feeling, of wanting, and of wishing of not wanting. Of knowing no matter how many years would pass, or not pass, I would never see anything other than my role, my figure reflecting from her eyes. It just made me tired. Of life, of everything, of everyone, and myself.
I could never admit my feelings towards her outside of my mind, and never to the person herself.
Through the years her quiet strength had supported me, and through this strength I had been able to rise from the rumors and of the negativity that my adoptive parents had to go through, and of knowing the pain they endured to keep me.
I'd known for a long time my feelings for her were not of an innocent love that would be content with just being by her side, watching as she loved, and were loved. It was a love that constantly demanded attention, a voice persistently urging me in the back of my mind to tell her.
Hatsumi.
But to think it would come to this. I knew when she tensed as I mentioned Ryoki's name that something had happened between them. I knew. Yet when she kissed me, the thoughts faded, and the only thing real at that moment had been her arms pressing me further down onto the ground, and the warmth of her lips.
I'd taken advantage of her. Gave in to my feelings instead of considering hers. She was in no condition to….God, what have I done?
When I woke up to her hand touching the side of my face, her hand felt cold. I knew she felt at a loss of what had taken place, never meaning for things to have gone so far. And instead of comforting her, reassuring things would be all right….that I would never tell what happened between us to Ryoki, all I could do was avoid her gaze, apologizing. Over and over.
Her silence was unbearable. More so than if she had yelled at me, blamed me for what I'd led her to. I would have preferred the latter a thousand times over. Her silence was a soundless accusation, one I felt I'll never be able to pick myself up and walk away from. An accusation I'll never be able to make up for.
I couldn't go back to her now. I didn't have the courage to open the door again, of trying to think of the right words to say, if such words existed.
Closing the door to the bathroom, I locked the door. This barrier, felt as if it served to separate Hatsumi and I. With this, with what I did, I'd never have the right to be by her side. Even just as an older brother.
The cold shower, like ice needles, dug, further and further…my hand instinctively reached out to change the water temperature, but my grip on the lever loosened, and the ice water continued to run.
Murmurs, quiet voices I couldn't make into words. The water running, down over and around my ears further drowned out any parts of the conversation I might have been able to recognize otherwise.
"Hatsumi-chan, wait a se—"
Akane's raised voice, and the sound of the main door closing shut.
Hatsumi.
I turned the lever off, sliding the sliding glass open, the material shaking from the sudden force. I had to talk to her. Even if I didn't know what to say, I couldn't let her leave like this. Hastily, sliding on a shirt and jeans, I unlocked the door. Water trailed behind me as my footsteps quickened. I heard Akane calling out when I left, but I didn't stop to give a reply.
Hatsumi.
I didn't know what I'll say when I find her, but even if it's just to talk, I can't—
"Shinogu!"
"Asahi…"
She was waving from the stairway below, signaling she'd be here in a moment. I didn't have the time to wait. Any longer and I wouldn't be able to find Hatsumi—
"I promise I won't tell anyone."
Her shoulders, slightly shaking as she fought the tears arising. The image still remained in the back of my mind. I didn't know why she had felt the urge to cry from the conversation she had overheard between Azusa and I. She never gave an answer when I asked.
I felt the need to wait for her here, even as I felt Hatsumi's presence drift further away, my feet made no move to the elevator.
