A/N. Warning: Annoying in-laws and talk of fertility.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, I certainly wouldn't be writing fanfiction.

...~oOo~...

Chapter Two: His Chance

"This is my chance, Georgie!" Fred said as he threw himself onto his old, rickety bed in his childhood bedroom.

"Don't you mean my chance?" George said as he shucked off his shirt and dropped into his own bed.

"You're dating Amy!"

"You say that as if it's relevant."

"Shut up, George," Fred grumbled. "Hermione thinks you're a git."

"She thinks you're a git too!"

"But a handsome git," Fred said with pride, grinning.

"We're identical twins, you idiot."

"I have both ears," Fred gloated.

George glared across the small room at his brother. "That's low."

"My point is," Fred said, regaining his enthusiasm, "Hermione is going to be here, at Burrow, just down the hall, all week! This is my chance to prove to her than I'm not just her best friend's immature, goofy, prank-pulling older brother who owns a joke shop!"

"But, mate," George said slowly, "you are just her best friend's immature, goofy, prank-pulling older brother who owns a joke shop."

"Hmm," Fred mused, "that's going to be a problem, isn't it?"

...~oOo~...

The next morning, Hermione woke up to a manifold of aromas and voices from the floor below. As a matter of fact, voices were seeping into her walls from every which direction, even from the wall with her window.

She rolled out of bed, wearing cotton shorts and a camisole, yawning as she went. Stretching her arms, she padded over to the window and drew the curtain to the side.

It was like the circus was in town. Already the vast property of the Burrow had three tents set up, many tables, two dogs chasing one another, and was peppered with heads of red hair. How many relatives did the Weasleys have, exactly? Surely they all didn't reproduce like rabbits!

Did they?

Suddenly feeling a bit overwhelmed about agreeing to staying for the week, Hermione tied her hair up into a knot and started towards the hall to examine the situations downstairs.

As she gingerly made her way down the steps, she heard the very familiar voice of Mrs. Weasley conversing with the voice of a stranger. Hermione stopped halfway down the stairs to listen.

"Oh, Molly, we have so been looking forward to this all year!" the unfamiliar woman said.

"As have we," Mrs. Weasley replied, though it sounded a bit strained. "The boys have been planning events for months!"

"Best tell Bill and Fleur to watch out this year! My son's wife just pushed out number for - did I tell you, Molly, six grandchildren now! - and they have been taking to morning jogs to prepare for this! Have you seen their new daughter, hmm? My new granddaughter?"

"Fleur won't be coming this year," Molly reported regrettably. "She has a bit of work to catch up on, apparently."

"Oh, what a shame! Is she pregnant yet? No? Well, I'll tell you, Molly, I thought it would be forever before I had my first grandchild, but it happened far sooner than I imagined! And now I've got six! Six! Can you believe it?"

A hand landed on Hermione's shoulder from behind her and she started about a foot into the air, but sighed a breath of relief when she saw it was just Bill and George. They were both wearing plaid flannel pants, Fred in blue and George in green, with loose ratty t-shirts. They looked thirteen again, truthfully!

"That's our Aunt Claudia," Fred whispered. "Dad's sister. Mum can't stand her."

"Who can blame her, really?" George grumbled. "She's always bragging about her kids and trying to compete with Mum. They've got a bit more money than us, you see, and a lot of their kids have posh jobs."

"Needless to say, Percy's the only one who really gets along with them," Fred added.

"How many kids does Claudia have?" Hermione asked.

"Four," the twins answered in unison.

"The oldest is about two years older than Bill, though, and the youngest is our age," George went on.

"And they take after their mother," Fred said with a grimace. "Very competitive. They're the reason we started the Couples Cup."

"Couples Cup?" Hermione inquired, raising an eyebrow.

The twins nodded, very serious-looking for once.

"It's when all the cousins bring their girlfriends to the reunion and compete for the week," Fred answered. "If you don't have a girlfriend or boyfriend, you can't play - well, for a few years George and I played together, but now he's got Amy. And at the end of the week, whoever has the most points wins."

"Wins what?" Hermione asked.

"Nothing," the twins said.

"Except bragging rights," George said brightly. "For an entire year."

"Which is worth more than gold in this family, I tell you," Fred said.

All three turned at the sound of a door in the hall opening and closing and footsteps coming towards them. It was Bill, wearing boxers and no shirt, his long red hair pulled back in a leather thong, a scowl marring his scarred face.

"I hear the harpy has arrived," Bill said, a growl audible in his chest, his lip curled. "I can smell her stench already. Do you know if Auggie is here yet?"

"Setting up his tent outside with his model wife and their three disgustingly adorable children," George sneered.

A feral grin crossed Bill's face. "Best go say hell then. Would be rude not to." He passed them, with that wolfish smile, jogging down the steps as he went.

Hermione's eyes widened. "I've never seen Bill like that before. Who's Auggie?"

"Claudia's oldest, his name's August," Fred said, crossing his arm. "He and Bill have had it out for each other since they were in diapers. Literally. You'll hear the story at one point during the week - it's always told, especially when the photo albums come out."

"It goes beyond normal family rivalry," George said as he started walking the rest of the way down the steps. "You'll see."

"I was under the impression that this week was supposed to be fun," Hermione whispering anxiously to Fred.

Fred smiled and said, "Oh, it is. Tons of food, lots of games, and usually a little bloodshed. Every year brings about a new story to tell the next year."

Hermione blanched. Bloodshed? What exactly had she agreed to? This sounded like the bloody Tri-Wizard Tournament, not a week of picnics! And that look on Bill's face... she wondered if that Wolf part inside of him was creeping its way out. Or maybe he just really hated his cousin, this Auggie fellow.

"Come on," Fred said, gesturing for Hermione to follow him to the kitchen. "As annoying as old Aunt Claudia is, she makes one hell of a crepe."

When Hermione and Fred entered the dining room, Hermione was blow away by the buffet of breakfast items being set out on the table. Bowls of exotic, colorful fruit creating a rainbow spread across the table. A big basin of porridge, pitchers of milk and orange juice, stacks of pancakes and crepes, bowls of things Hermione had never seen before but smelt like heaven. There were even heart-shaped muffins and cider doughnuts!

Hermione's stomach growled and Fred winked, knowing exactly how she felt, and enjoying the fact that she was gaping like a fish.

"GEORGIE!" Claudia exclaimed with a bawdy laugh, running out of the kitchen and into Fred. "AND FREDDIE!" she said, crashing into George and giving him big kisses on his cheeks.

The twins exchanged looks, rolled their eyes, and neglected to correct her. They merely accepted her over-the-top affections, accepting the fact she basically groped them, and went on to fill their plates with food.

Claudia was a very pretty woman with the the color of a ripe carrot, all piled onto her head in springy curls. She was thin and tall like her brother, but with a womanly figure, and a perky nose. She had no freckles whatsoever on her flawless, creamy skin.

Molly watched from the archway to the kitchen with a sour look while her sister-in-law smothered her sons.

Molly did not suppress her animosity, apparently, but Claudia's phoniness was almost worse. She was just so... fake.

Hermione had only shared Claudia's presence for a few moments and even she didn't like her very much.

"Oh, it's so good to see my favorite set of twins!" Claudia announced with a big, pink-lipstick smile. Her left front tooth was smudged with coral-colored lip paint, but no one pointed it out, just secretly enjoyed it. "Tell me, how've you both been? Have you got respectable jobs at the Ministry yet, like your father and brother?"

Fred and George shook their heads.

"I already told you, Claudia," Molly said, trying to sound calm, "Fred and George are entrepreneurs, they've got their own shop, now."

"Oh, yes, I know, but I thought that was more like a temporary hobby," Claudia said with another obnoxious laugh. "Surely they don't plan on doing that forever!"

Behind her back, Fred gave Claudia a two-finger salute, to which Molly shot him an admonishing look, but it wasn't as assertive as usual.

Claudia changed the subject. "George! We hear you've got a girl coming this year?" For a moment she got confused, seeing as the twins both moved, and took a moment to decided which one she was addressing. Purely by luck did she actually choose George this time. "What's her name? What does she do? Is she pretty?"

"Her name's Amy," George said. "She's training to work in the Regulation of Magical Creatures Department and yes, she is very pretty."

"When will she be arriving? I cannot wait to meet her!"

"I'll be picking her up around lunch," George answered. "And she can't wait to meet you either," he added with faux brightness. "After all, we've just told her so much about you, Aunt Claud!"

Fred hid a snigger, but kept his head down and served himself some bacon onto his plate.

Hermione had been hiding in the doorway up until the point, when Claudia abruptly caught sight of her and said, "Oh, my dear, I didn't see you there! Who might you be? Are you Percy's Audrey?"

"Good God, no!" Fred said before he could stop himself. Molly sent him another scathing look. "Audrey's just garish-looking and a big prude."

Claudia then observed Hermione up-and-down like she certainly thought Fred's description could fit her, but Molly said, "That's Hermione! She's a very dear friend of the family! Hermione, this is Claudia, Arthur's older sister." Molly seemed to take relish in saying the adjective "older" to describe Claudia.

"Nice to meet you," Hermione said cordially, holding out her hand, putting on the face she did when she had to face unpleasant politicians at the Ministry who she had no choice but respect.

"Oh, my," Claudia said, taking Hermione's hand and flipping it over three times. "A nail-biter! Nasty habit, darling. And look at these wrists! Like twigs! Dreadfully skinny, aren't you? And those hips... well, my dear, you certainly weren't built for bearing children, were you?"

Hermione looked down at her hips. So what if they were narrow! Not everyone could have lovely hourglass figures like Claudia! So what if she had a boyish figure? Clothes fit better on her, didn't they?

"I... wouldn't know," Hermione said, trying not to sound indignant, "seeing as I've yet to 'bear' any."

"I don't mean to criticize, dear," Claudia said with a wide smile, effectively smudging more pink onto her white teeth. "Some of us are made for being mothers, others aren't. Isn't that right, Molly?"

"I don't think Hermione's body shape has anything to do with her mothering abilities, Claudia," Molly said, busying her self with levitating more trays onto the table.

"Perhaps not, but that sporty frame will do you well in the competition, won't it?" Claudia said and giggled. "Fred, is that why you're dating this young lady? Want a step ahead in the Couples Cup, eh?" She did a big wink at a confused Fred.

Hermione had never been so insulted in her life! To imply that a boy would only be interested in dating her to help win a silly competition! And all this about her body shape and fertility! Good Merlin, was this woman absolutely archaic?!

George, Molly, and Hermione all opened their mouths and began to protest that Hermione wasn't Fred's girlfriend, but the loudest voice over all of them was Fred, saying, "Actually, I'm dating her because she's drop dead gorgeous and looks great naked, don't you, Hermione?"

Molly had never looked so appalled in her life, blushing to her hairline.

Even Claudia shut up for a good minute and George just look vastly amused.

Hermione was sputtering, "Uh... uh... um, I s-suppose...?"

Fred walked over and threw an arm around her shoulders. "And her fox-like body isn't the only reason why we'll with the Couples Cup! She's brilliant too. Brightest witch of the generation, so the Prophet says. You might have heard her name before? Hermione Granger? As in, the Granger who played a vital role in the defeat of Lord Voldemort?"

Claudia looked godsmacked, her skin paled even further.

"We've got the competition in the bag, don't we, pumpkin?" Fred said, dropping a kiss onto her cheek dramatically.

Still utterly nonplussed by this turn of events, Hermione mumbled, "I... guess?"

Wait, why did he say I looked good naked? Hermione thought, her mind spinning. What about foxes? Voldemort, what? She's dating Fred, since when? Why is George laughing?

What is going on?!

...~oOo~...

A/N. It it my honest belief that EVERYONE has an "Aunt Claudia".

Challenge: 1. Favorite part and line? 2. What do you think the story is about why Bill and Auggie hate one another so much? 3. Do YOU have a relative like Aunt Claudia? Whether it be a cousin or uncle or aunt?

~ So Long And Thanks For All The Fish ~