A/N: Here is my update.. i so wanted to nit pick it to death but I stopped myself. That is so much harder than I thought it would be. I really hate a couple of the scenes but hopefully it's a good update regardless.
Chapter One: Unreal
There were times when he hated having to follow procedure, that he couldn't simply do what felt natural. All he had wanted to do was sprint Lois directly off to Metropolis and Emil. To get an answer and fix it all right away.
Reality was neither convenient nor kind.
Instead of whisking her off he had to take her to the local hospital, inform police who then would inform Clark Kent. And with her lack of memory, seeming to know only Superman, he couldn't immediately leave and become her fiancé'. She didn't remember her fiancé and she was terrified.
What struck him hard wasn't just the nightmare of her not remembering but how different she was. She clung to him when they flew as if she was afraid of heights, the tears came more freely, even her words, expressions all seemed not quite Lois.
It was a different woman in his arms that wore the face of someone he loved. It was only by a great deal of self-control that he stayed calm through the whole ordeal, as they admitted her and the police came. Clark felt torn when as Superman there was nothing more he could do and he knew the police would be calling him as Clark.
She looked for him from her hospital bed, her eyes wide. He wanted to stay there for her, give her comfort. But not as Superman. With a swallow he came back into her room and told her that someone who knew her, who loved her, would be coming soon.
"But I don't remember anyone, just you"
"Do you remember how we met?"
Lois frowned, her eyes glanced down as she tried to recall, a moment later she shook her head, "No just... I just know you. But I don't know how I do. "
He placed his hand over hers wanting to take her pain away, "Lois, it will be okay. I have to go but you're not alone. "
She nodded staring at their hands and he wondered what she was thinking. Did it feel familiar?
"Please come see me."
Resisting the urge to brush the hair back from her face he instead stood up taller, pulling his hand away from hers slowly, giving her a simple nod as he stepped back. Trying to sound reassuring, "Of course I will. We're friends, good friends." You're the love of my life…
Their eyes met and for a second he wondered if she would protest his leaving but she instead continued to stare. It was both unnerving and heartbreaking. With great effort he said a last goodbye and left. Haunted as he flew back to the hotel, a heavy weight sat on his chest, he wanted to react but was unable. There was no time, no time to break down or feel his heart tear open.
Lois didn't remember loving him.
Less than a minute later he came in through the doors of the hotel as Clark Kent, thankful the clerk was nowhere in sight. He wasn't in the mood to come up with even a simple story or explain anything.
Soon the police would figure out where Lois Lane had been staying at and he wanted to take even just two minutes.
He needed to be able to breathe even if there was no time.
Shortly he'd call the police, play the clueless and worried partner. How and when had he become so good at detaching himself? Was it really a good thing?
After speeding up to their hotel room he sat heavily down on the edge of the unmade bed. Closing his eyes and taking in deep gulps of air as it hit him. It really hit him.
Lois didn't know who she was. Lois didn't know Clark, remember their life, their love, her career... She doesn't remember our baby!
Pushing off the bed he began to pace. Wanting to call, unable to get himself to do so. She needed him and he needed her but there this... this thing that now had come in and stole her away.
Glancing at the bed he was reminded of how just hours ago she had been whole and in his arms, happy…beaming.
"..Lois...uh..." He moaned, trying to think.
Lois had giggled as she looked down at him. "Don't tell me you're already worn out...what happened to all that 'super' stamina."
His answer had been to roll her till he was on top, her feminine form trapped between his own very masculine one. Clark smiled down at her, "You want Super you say?"
Lois eyes sparkled and not just from inebriated state, "Oh yes Mr. Kent…" She breathed, "I want Super...I want fast ... " She kissed slowly, "hot" her tongue teased his lower lip. "... har…"
She never finished the last word as he kissed her. Taking her all in. Lips, mouth, silky skin...every curve, she became his air.
Clark shook away the memory. Not wanting to relive any more when...
With a growl he pulled out his cell and dialed. No more waiting. No time to waste.
His hands shook but he did as needed to do. Reported the woman he loved was missing. He played the part he needed to, heard the words of the police.
They found her, he already knew this but hearing it made him sick.
All he could think of was her. How she was feeling.
To not remember who you were or anyone in your life, to have the details wiped away. His own brief experiences could not compare. Not with this.
His stomach was a knot. What did he say? What would he do? Would she trust him?
Could he make this better? How did it even happen?
Was any of it real?
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"Any pain?"
Lois shook her head. The doctor made a 'hmm' sound but continued to run his hand along the back of her head before moving on to her neck. Closing her eyes she forced herself not to react, not to be afraid.
Like all those who had been there, Doctor Stuart was only trying to help, to figure out why she couldn't remember.
Yet everything inside of her screamed that this was all wrong. That it was unreal, that she wasn't supposed to be here.
Since she had first begun to realize that she didn't know who she was, reality felt twisted. One second it was like she was her…someone going for a walk, whom was okay, no worries. Than the next it became like a dream. With shadows lurking, urges, feelings, and thoughts that made no sense and felt unreal.
She felt unreal. All from a single thought. Cold, she thought about finding somewhere to get something warm to drink. This made her think of cocoa…an obscure thing really. Cocoa…not coffee or tea. Why cocoa?
But that led to her searching her person for money, which led to realization of what she was wearing. That thought led to another and another till the question of her identity rang like a bell.
She hadn't been able to answer the question. Instead she went numb, her feet moved further down the street aimlessly but her mind was frozen.
Who was she?
How had she left the hotel and not even think anything was wrong? Did she know when she left who she was?
Surreal. All of it was surreal. Her own thoughts made no sense to her and she couldn't place when she had ceased to be whoever she was.
It just happened.
Stuart sat on the stool in front of her bed, made a notation on his clip board before turning his soft kind gray eyes on her. She wanted to think he reminded her of someone, with his slightly graying hair and bushy brows. But for all she knew there wasn't anyone at all that looked like that in her life.
"I won't lie to you or pretend this is anything less than it is. The questions you were asked earlier…the date, who you are, if you remember anything…etc. Will be asked many times. However, not by me. I'm concerned with one thing while you are under my care. Your health. Now, you feel stressed by all the hoopla…nurses, other doctors etc., you give me a holler. I'll send them away, okay?"
Lois found herself giving a slight bemused smile, everyone had been nice, and right off someone had come down from what she imagined was the psych department to make sure she was 'sound' if not memory-less. Still, she couldn't help but ask, "Why?"
"Because stress isn't going to make anything better. Also with your medical history…" he shook his head.
"So...I am Lois Lane."
He nodded, "Yes you are. Not just cause Superman says so missy. No, you are definitely Miss Lane, and you were even seen in this hospital three years ago." He lifted up a paper to look further down her chart, "Ah…yes the lab explosion."
She didn't have a response to that. She definitely didn't feel like a 'Lois' and with how he said her name she had a feeling she was somewhat of a celebrity, or someone who was known well enough like one. Or perhaps she had a thing for getting herself involved with explosions, some sort of expert?
As if sensing her thoughts the Doctor added, "You were the one who named him Superman. The exclusive interview. You're a journalist."
"Oh..." Lois looked down at her hands. Not sure what to think about any of that. At least it explained how she had any sort of a relationship with the super hero.
"Now don't start fretting, all this means is you can get on the road to recovery a lot faster. None of the trying to figure out who you are bit on our end. And sometimes," he patted her hand, "all it takes is the right face and all the memories come rushing back. In the mean time you focus on the moment okay."
Lois gave him a strange look, "Shouldn't you be encouraging me to 'try' to remember "
"You'll have plenty of other people doing that. I'm no expert but it seems to me that right now you must be feeling really confused, overwhelmed and who knows what else…" He got his answer in the sudden shift in her eyes, "exactly. So instead of pushing something that will only come when it's good and ready you might as well learn to deal with the now."
"The moment, I don't even know what that is" Lois found herself blurting in reply. Blushing a second after for the way she said it and the fact she did.
They exchanged a long stare when her eyes finally met his. He shook his head gently, "It means you take everything moment by moment, rather than trying to rush forward. "
Lois nodded thoughtfully, "so…do you really believe I could see a face and suddenly," she snapped her fingers, "I remember it all"
"It's happened. It's a maybe…and lucky for you, a familiar face will be here shortly."
Lois felt a sudden clenching in her stomach, like she was going to be sick. It must have been written all over her face.
"Scared?"
She nodded. "I don't know how I am supposed to be. I mean what if they come and I'm apparently like this uptight B*tch or what if they aren't the greatest…I'm stuck. And yet I can't just…not." Lois could feel the tears threaten, "How in the hell am I supposed to feel?"
"Exactly like you are." he gave her a sympathetic smile." We need to get you in for another scan. It's a slow night so why don't I see if I can bump you up the list and give you a little more time?"
"Okay." She swallowed, "I feel like coward."
"You're not. " Stuart stood "And I don't think you need to worry about who's coming to get you."
"Why? How do you know?"
"Because Superman said you two were close. He's your fiancé, Clark Kent. You also work with him."
Lois looked away. She had to admit it helped to know that Superman felt they were close, and had told her more than once someone who loved her would be coming. If they were friends, her and Superman, than surely he'd know how her fiancé was. How she herself had felt about this Clark Kent.
"Alright. Can you still see about the scan? I really don't like hospitals ..." She frowned, "At least I don't think I do."
"Not a problem." with that, Stuart left the room leaving Lois with her thoughts.
She got up off the hospital bed, trying to decide what to do with herself. With no memory of her life there wasn't a great deal of personal topics to think about. Neither was she was sure of the date, year, or even where exactly she was, though she had a faint recollection of one of the doctors telling her before.
Turning she settled for looking out the window. In the early morning pre-dawn darkness the hospital outdoor lighting flooded out like watch lights at a prison, giving a somewhat forbidding feel to it all, adding to her sensation of being in a tunnel looking out. She had all these feelings but yet couldn't quite believe any of it was real.
Even the conversation with Stuart, that had just taken place, now felt like a dream.
Lifting a finger to touch a pane of glass Lois traced the outline of a drop of water. It had started to rain shortly after Superman had found her, which now had become a drizzle, the kind that made clothes cling to skin. Somehow the weather seemed appropriate with the wind causing the bare tree's to wave long arms out at the bleak dark autumn sky. As if they were searching for the warmth of the sun, trying to take back the summer before winter stole all traces of it.
In that moment she felt like one of those trees. Trying to recall anything at all of whom she was. All she had was a , some names - words. Lois and Clark. Journalist, and Superman. Like leaves long blown away she didn't seem able to pull a trace of her former self from any of it.
Gawd was she always this philosophical?
"Lois…Lois Lane."
She repeated over and over, moving away from the window and its dreary poetic view to head into the bathroom.
The mirror gave her no more answers than the trees and wind. So she had dark chocolate brown hair, hazel green/brown eyes, and a nose that was a little too pert for her liking.
Looking down she had to admit she had nice breasts. She pulled the hospital gown tighter around her, thankful it wasn't one of those ridiculous ones that were made to show off patients' bare backsides. As if others wanted to see sickly or wounded ass.
Just as she was about to check out more of herself, curves and all that, her-not really her name-was called.
A tall hospital orderly stood with a wheel chair at her door. Causing her to briefly wonder why it was assumed she couldn't walk because she had amnesia.
The thought didn't linger long enough to stop the earlier stomach knot from feeling heavy once more as she was reminded that soon she'd be meeting her fiancé, a man she couldn't remember.
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He sat nervously in the little office. Unable to stop his knee from bouncing up and down. Clark had known when he arrived he wouldn't immediately be able to see her. While he had never imagined himself in this situation he had once been witness to another couple dealing with it.
A man had been found wandering away from a really bad car accident. Superman had brought him to the hospital and witness the doctors trying to calm his wife. She had wanted to see him but apparently he had no memory of who he was much less her. Clark could remember the doctor trying to get her to listen enough to explain it all to her.
Now it was his turn to receive the explanation.
The door opened and man with slightly graying hair came in and gave Clark a long look before he sat down. Taking in Clark as he did the doctor.
As they exchanged introductions Clark noted the shift in the man's body language from uncertainty to being more at ease. He seemed to have found approval. It made him feel that while Lois was here she was in good hands.
"Mr. Kent, I'm sorry that I had to call you in here. I know you must be anxious to see her."
"Yes I am and you can call me Clark." Trying to keep himself calm.
Stuart nodded, "Clark…" he seemed at a loss on how to begin for a second." As you know Lois has amnesia and before you can see her I need you to understand what that fully means."
Swallowing Clark asked, hearing the tremor in his own voice, "Okay. First though is she going to be alright?"
"If you mean physically …yes. Other than a bruise on the back of her neck I can find no signs of physical trauma. She had a CT scan and MRI before you arrived. Neither of those shows brain damage. "
"A bruise..." Clark frowned. How? And when had she received the bruise on the back of her neck? When they had made love it wasn't there. That meant some point between him leaving the hotel to attend Superman duties and her wandering out of the hotel she had.
His stomach turned. Knowing she had this bruise, no matter how small it might be, meant that something happened and he wasn't there to stop it. That thought meant facing the idea she was attacked. His only solace was that the hotel clerk had act like she was fine, minus her attire. But what if she had been...
"Yes there is a bruise, it's possible she stumbled into something in her disorientation. When Superman found her she had been wandering and that's not unusual. It's called a fugue state. A type dissociative memory disorder, mostly commonly seen in war veterans, other than no memory of whom they are one of symptoms is to wander."
Clark nodded but the frown remained on his face, "What I don't understand is how?" he rubbed a hand through his hair before looking at the Doctor for answers. "How did this happen? She was fine. We fell asleep and when I woke a bit later she was gone." It was the closest thing to the truth he could give.
"Mr. Kent... Clark, sometimes people keep things to themselves, or face a situation they can't handle – such as loss of a loved one or an accident. The mind refuses to process it and ..."
Clark interrupted shaking his head violently, "Look. Lois isn't like that! We did lose someone a while back but Lois hasn't been hiding from her grief, we've grieved together. And I don't know anything else. I just..."
"I'm not trying to cast judgment. But without evidence of a physical reason for her condition coupled with her current state of mind, I have to consider that this stems from an emotional or psychological trauma" Stuart felt for the man. It was obvious how much this was affecting him too.
Clark calmed himself down. It wasn't the Doctors fault, he was only following the evidence. Even if it was totally wrong. "Okay"
"Is Lois on any medications?"
"No" Clark started to reply before he remembered, "Wait...no. She's been on something for high blood pressure before, I'm not sure though if she can take it right now. We just... we have a 9 month old."
Stuart nodded, "Okay, it is possible this is caused by something she took or was exposed too. But you need to be prepared that may not be the case. I'm waiting for a few more blood tests to come back. Can you think of anything last night that could have caused this?"
Clark sighed, he had already answered some of these questions before and just like then he went through their day and evening together. Nothing was out of place. He hung his head, "No I can't."
Sensing the misplace blame the younger man was throwing on himself, Stuart decided to move on. "Right now it's like a dream for Lois and when she 'wakes' she won't likely remember any of this and she could have very minor memory loss or more severe. This isn't my area of expertise but typically when this state ends she'll experience varying emotions, guilt, shame, fear. "
"How long doctor before this ends?" He just wanted her back. He needed to be able to help her. "Is there anything I can do?"
"It could end any time or last for days. I can't say. If she feels comfortable enough it would be good for her to go home and she needs to see someone who can help her deal now and after." Stuart picked up a brochure and passed it over, "This is an option. It might be the best help you can give her, they have a memory department."
Clark took the brochure and the almost permanent frown he had been wearing changed to an angry grimace. The Lily of Hope Medical Center, Lex Luthor's just recently re-opened project. The very reason they were even there in New Jersey.
"No." Clark was amazed he kept his voice level, "I'd rather have her at home in Metropolis, we'll see someone there". Just because they couldn't find anything suspect about the research center itself didn't mean he was going to bring Lois anywhere near it. Anything to do with Lex was bad news, even if was above board. Staying at one of his hotels was one thing, doctors on his pay roll were something else entirely.
Stuart nodded, "Why don't we go see Lois if she is willing I can release her tomorrow, I'd like to observe for a while."
Standing Clark swallowed back the lump in his throat. Would she leave with him?
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Lois sat on the bed, the robe she had been found in wrapped around her. Despite having no memories to associate with it she felt comforted by the action. The scans done, more blood taken, she sat and thought.
Problem was there wasn't exactly a whole lot to think about.
She was tired, and trying to remember anything when it wasn't there was exhausting if not frustrating. It felt easier to just be. Contemplate the color scheme of her hospital room, why TV channels the hospital room were showing infomercials. You'd think considering patients were in the hospital that there would be more options so they wouldn't have to be put through more agony. Who in the world care about a Japanese knife set when they were laid up? In her case she didn't even know if she needed one.
The initial shock of realizing her current predicament had now worn off. Yeah, she still felt a little afraid but now mostly she just felt like she was floating or it was a dream.
Unreal, that's what it came down too. It was all unreal.
There was a knock at her door and Lois glanced up thankful to escape the useless contemplation. Her heart dropped when from behind Doctor Stuart she saw another man, one she knew wasn't a doctor.
Her fiancé. It had to be.
That little bit of fear doubled if not tripled. Fidgeting with the edge of the of her robe tie Lois reminded herself she could do this. Superman endorsed her fiancé, and she wasn't going to get memories back if she avoided her life.
Yet she couldn't completely avoid the sensation that she was waiting for something bad to happen. It had been there for a while, it was if her body was on edge for something her mind couldn't remember.
"Lois, you have a visitor. Up for it?"
Taking a deep breath Lois nodded. Though inwardly frowning at how alien her name sounded to her.
The man followed Doctor Stuart into the room and she could see from his expression he was trying not to have any expectations of her. She couldn't explain how she knew, just that she did.
He cleared his throat and gave her a small smile, "Hi Lois... uh...I ... " He seemed at a loss on how to finish that sentence.
Lois found herself quipping "Clark Kent? My fiancé... Doctor Stuart told me you would be coming."
He nodded causing his ridiculous thick rimmed glasses to slide forward just a little. Lois swept her eyes over him, taking in the slightly slumped shoulders on a bigger frame. He would have been a taller man if he stood straight. Also would have be a better looking man without the glasses and uptight dress style. A light green pullover and tan slacks. For some reason the whole ensemble made her think nerd at a spelling bee. The only thing missing was tape on the nose bridge of his glasses.
Neither now knew what to say. Lois couldn't think of anything to add and Clark didn't seem to have a clue either.
Doctor Stuart wasn't suffering the same issues.
He turned to Lois, "Lois I'd like to release you tomorrow." He glanced at the clock, "More accurately later today. I think if you are willing it would be good for you to go home with Mr. Kent and be with people who care about you." He gave her a significant look.
Clark watched as Lois and Stuart exchanged glances before she turned to look back at him. Once again she stared and he battled with himself for the umpteenth time since walking into the room not to go over to her. Hold her, kiss her... touch her.
It was maddening. To stand in the room with Lois and not be able to express how he felt to her. To see no recognition in her eyes or to have a clue what to say to her.
Hi, Lois I'm Clark can I take you home hold you tight, help you remember. I promise I don't bite.
Any words seemed either laughable or inadequate. So he stood tongue tied and he couldn't keep that up if she came with him.
Oh how he ached to touch her as her hazel eyes focused on his. He held her stare trying to convey all he felt without words.
After what felt like an eternity, she gave a slight nod her eyes never left his, "I'll go".
Still in the trapped in her stare Clark was almost certain for a brief second he saw his Lois looking back at him.
A drop of hope in an ocean of fear.
Come back to me Lois... come back to me.
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"Milk now...milk!"
"It's coming Mikey, just give papa a minute" Jimmy looked down into the light green eyes of his two year old son and smiled.
"Milk..."
"Yes Mikey" the boy had the insistence of his mother that was for sure.
The TV blaring in the other room almost drowned out the phone. Jimmy just barely caught the sound of it ringing. Dashing he grabbed it quickly off the end table in the little apartment living room before answering, "Hello.." it came out a bit strangled as he stepped on a duplo.
"Jimmy, I'm so glad I caught you."To his surprise it was Martha Kent.
The TV though had made it hard to completely hear her. Grabbing the remote he turned it way down and earned a protest from his eldest. He sent a warning glare.
"Mrs. Kent… uh...hi, how are you?"
"I'm fine, sorry I've not been able to come see you and the boys for a while."
"It's okay…I..."
"Jimmy, I have bad news and I need your help!"Jimmy frowned as he headed back into the kitchen to give his impatient son his sippy cup of milk. It wasn't like Martha to sound so... worried...upset.
It brought with it painful memories. Taking a deep breath he forced himself to continue to the fridge as he asked, "What's happened? Has something happened to Bit...?"
"No, it's Lois. I'm not sure on the details but Clark just called. They are coming home early. Jimmy Lois doesn't remember who she is and I need to head up to Metropolis to be there for Clark. He doesn't want Bits there."
Jimmy felt his hand begin to shake. He knew it shouldn't upset him as much as it did, but the memories were still too fresh. He didn't know what to say about Lois or Clark so he replied, "I'll take her. The boys and I could do with some company. "
"Thank you… I'll bring her this afternoon. You'll be okay? She's done well with them away for a couple of days but that could change."
"We'll be fine. I might not be grandma but it will be alright." He found by focusing on the children he could keep his head clear, "Clark will need you."
Once off the phone and Mikey satisfied, Jimmy pulled a chair out and sat down at the kitchen table. His eyes falling on the messy apartment. They'd have a lot of cleaning to do before it would be baby proofed but in some ways he was glad he'd be busy. Weekends when he didn't work and he was home always felt so heavy unless he found something for them all to do.
Idle hands meant remembering and that meant pain. Something he could do without.
Jared came in a moment later to cross his arms at his dad, "Mikey spilled his milk, now I can't sit on the couch."
"I'll take care of it. Jared… we have Bits for a day or two. Aunt Lois isn't feeling so good. I need you to pick up all your stuff."
"Dad!"
Jimmy settled him with a long stare, "Come on trooper… besides you help me out big right now and I think we could work in an afternoon at the arcade."
From sullen disappointment to a wide grin to much like his mother's Jared went whooping out of the room, grabbing his scattered toys as he did.
Shaking his head, Jimmy let his gaze wander back to the fridge where a picture of her smiling face looked back at him.
"They are so your boys."
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Good, bad.. give me some cookies.
