Disclaimer: I own nothing. Dick Wolf owns everything.
A/N: This is a little darker than I expected but there you go.
The Worth of A Man - Chapter 2
It was dark and quiet. Bobby liked dark and quiet. Dark meant no one could see him. Quiet meant his parents weren't fighting or yelling at him or his older brother Frank. They always fought but lately it seemed constant. Just as Bobby was about to fall asleep, he heard a door slam open. His father had probably just arrived at home. He could hear his father's voice yelling loudly for his mother. Rolling over onto his stomach, he pulled his pillow over his head to try and drown out the voices.
His mother didn't have a good day. She had locked herself in her room, leaving Bobby and Frank to fend for themselves. His dad was going to be angry. "Where the hell is everybody?" his father yelled. He sounded drunk again. Bobby heard pounding. "Open the door you stupid bitch!" Mom hadn't unlocked the door yet...this was going to be so bad. All that pounding was only going to scare her more. She would never open the door now.
Suddenly, the door to the bedroom he shared with his brother Frank flew open. Bobby sat up in sheer panic. His brother Frank had been sleeping but was now wide awake. Both boys were staring at the large figure looming in the doorway. "What's going on here?" he yelled.
"Dad..." Frank began.
"Shut-up! I was talking to your useless brother, here," his father said as he moved into the room, pointing at Bobby.
Bobby felt the fear in his stomach knotting up, the nausea making his mouth water.
"You're the one with all the explanations, right, smart boy?" his father spat out with a venomous tone. "What's wrong with your poor sick mother now? Huh?You gonna tell me it's not her fault?"
A large, meaty hand grabbed Bobby by the arm. "She's locked me out of the room AGAIN! What's the excuse now you little bastard?"
"Dad, it's not his fault..." Frank said as he started to get out of his bed.
Bobby felt himself being dragged off his bed as his father turned to face Frank, still gripping Bobby by the arm. "So are you saying it's yours, boy?"
Frank swallowed hard and shook his head, "No, Dad, it's nobody's fault..." Bobby could hear the fear in his voice.
Releasing Bobby's arm, his father backhanded Frank across the face, the force strong enough to knock Frank down. "That's just your way of saying it's mine, isn't it?" He said to Frank's inert form lying on the floor.
Bobby started to panic even more as Frank just lay there, not responding. His head had hit the floor pretty hard and Bobby knew he had to be out cold. He hoped Frank was just unconscious and not dead. Before he could say or do anything, his father grabbed him by the arm and threw him out into the hall.
"Open the door, Frances, or I'm going to beat the crap out of your little bastard!" his father screamed.
"NO!" Bobby screamed, his anger starting to overcome his fear.
His father turned to him, his face red with anger. Bobby could smell the alcohol on him as his father glared at him. "No? No what? You think you can stop me?" With his father's face inches from his, ten year old Bobby Goren stared back in defiance, feeling sick and tired of being afraid for himself, for Frank, for his mother.
Suddenly, Bobby felt his father's hands around his throat. Bobby was about to try and punch him when his face started morphing into Mark Ford Brady's cold stare. Brady's hands tightened around his throat as he tried to scream. Brady was smiling, "You really are a bastard, you know - literally," Brady laughed as his hands continued to close around Bobby's neck and all Bobby could do was stare helplessly.
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"NO!" Bobby cried out loudly, waking Alex from her sound sleep. His body was tense and his breathing was erratic.
"Bobby, Bobby, wake up, you're having a nightmare," Alex urged as she gently shook his arm. They were still on her sofa and his head had moved from her shoulder to her lap.
"NO! YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!" Bobby screamed as his arms went up in front of him in a defensive move.
Alex grabbed his arms, "Bobby, wake up, it's a dream, it's only a dream..."
Bobby's body jerked as he awoke suddenly, his dark eyes staring out in sheer panic as he took in his surroundings. He felt soft hands gently caressing his face and a soothing voice telling him it was all right. Alex! I'm at Alex's house. I'm safe. His eyes focused on her face. There was concern in her eyes as she watched him carefully.
He smiled wearily at her, "You're always saving me." he said as he reached up to brush the ever present strand of hair from her face.
She smiled back with relief, "That's a bit melodramitic. I just woke you up."
"You saved me from that nightmare," he said as he sat up, rubbing the back of his neck. He glanced at the clock on the wall which told him it was now 5 a.m. "This must be the longest I've slept in a while."
"It's still early, you can sleep a little longer," Alex suggested as she put her arms around him and rested her chin on his shoulder.
Bobby shook his head, "No, I don't...I don't want to go back ..." his voice trailed off as he saw Brady's face again, laughing at him.
"I'll make some coffee then," Alex offered.
"No, you...you should go back to sleep..."
"I doubt I'd have any more success in going back to sleep than you do," she said as she stood up to head to the kitchen.
Bobby grabbed her hand to stop her for a moment, "Thank you...for everything. I know it's...I've been asking a lot of you lately and you...I don't know what I'd have done without you."
Alex smiled, "I'm only doing for you what I know you'd do for me."
Bobby stood up and followed her into the kitchen. His eyes fell upon the yellow note pad Brady had scribbled his confession upon. "What's this?" he asked as he picked it up.
Alex inwardly cursed herself for leaving it out on the table. She wanted to warn him about it before he actually saw it. "Brady had his lawyer deliver it to you. You weren't there so she left it with Ross. It's...it's his detailed confession about every crime he's committed. He said...he said it's a birthday present for you."
Bobby dropped the note pad back onto the table as if it had physically harmed him in some way. He turned away from the table and leaned against the counter closing his eyes and tried to regain his composure. He's dead and he's still here making my life hell. "Happy birthday... son..." Brady's voice taunted.
"Bobby?" Alex spoke hesitantly. She had no idea what horrible things Brady might have told him about his relationship with his mother. Was he afraid there would be a detailed description in there of her and what he might have done to her?
"Have you read it?" Bobby finally asked after a few moments. Alex could hear the tension in his voice.
"I skimmed through it. I didn't see any reference to...to your mother." Alex watched his reaction carefully. She could see his shoulders relax slightly but he was still wound tight. She felt a desperate need to ask him what Brady had said to him at his last visit but she didn't want to push him.
I have to tell her...Taking a deep breath and regaining control of his emotions once more, Bobby turned to face Alex. No, I can't. Not now...not yet...I need her...I don't want her to see the potential monster I am...the way she looked at Brady when we met with him that first time...everytime she was in his presence...if she looked at me like that it would kill me.
"So, about that coffee..." he finally said, hoping she wouldn't ask anything else about Brady. Not yet...I can't tell her now.
Alex looked at him for a moment. He's not ready to deal with Brady yet. Let him tell you when he's ready, don't push or you'll push him away. She smiled at him and started to make the coffee. "I can make some breakfast if you like," she offered.
"No thanks, I...just coffee. Maybe..." he looked at her watching him with concern, a worried smile on her face. Would she still be smiling if she knew? He rubbed his tired eyes and once again fought to control his emotions. "Um, maybe I could buy you some breakfast later," he suggested.
"Okay," Alex replied, still watching him worriedly.
Glancing at the scribblings of Brady sitting on the kitchen table, Bobby felt an overwhelming need to get away from it. "I think I'll take my mom's things down to the basement while the coffee is brewing," he said as he moved out of the room.
After getting the coffee started, Alex went to help him. Bobby was coming back up the basement stairs, having already taken one box down. Wordlessly they took the rest of the boxes and paintings down to the basement.
When they came back upstairs for the last time, Alex headed for the kitchen. "Coffee's ready," she said over her shoulder as she entered the kitchen only to discover Bobby had not followed her. She walked out of the kitchen to see he had gone back to the living room and was seated on her sofa, leaning back and staring at the ceiling.
There's more there than just his mother's death...what did Brady say to him? Alex watched him sit there lost in his thoughts. She quickly got their coffee and headed out to the living room to join him.
Alex sat on the couch next to him after placing the mugs on the coffee table. She said nothing but gently laid her hand on his shoulder.
Bobby couldn't make himself go back into the kitchen where the "birthday gift" from Brady sat on the table, taunting him. He continued to the living room and plopped down on the sofa, leaning back and staring at the ceiling. Alex had to know something was up beyond the fact that his mother had died. She's going to find out eventually. I can't keep something like this from her forever. He could hear Alex in the kitchen getting the coffee. What am I going to do? How do I tell her? How can I expect her to accept me for who I am when I don't even know who I am anymore?
He felt her presence as she entered the room with the coffee. She sat next to him and gently placed her hand on his shoulder. Would she be so gentle and caring if she knew who I really am? Bobby blinked and lifted his head off the back of the sofa to look at her. She sat there looking at him inquisitively. He saw the questions in her eyes and he knew she was probably anxious to know what had happened with Brady.
"I'm sorry...I just can't..." Bobby began.
"It's okay, I understand. You don't have to explain anything to me, Bobby. I know how it is when someone you love dies," Alex said quietly. "Everyone asks you if you're all right and you're not but you feel like you have to tell them you are. I don't want you to feel like you have to be 'all right' around me all the time. I know you're not and you might not be for a while. But you will be and I want to help you get there."
It was all Bobby could do to not break down in tears and confess everything to her. Instead, he pulled her into an embrace. "I'm just so tired...I can hear my mom, Frank, Brady...they're all inside my head and I just...I just want them all to go away...I think...sometimes I think I'm going crazy."
With her head resting on his shoulder, Alex had to fight back her own tears as they just held each other. Please let me find a way to help him, she prayed.
TBC...
