So he's gone. Jack is dead.
God, it's still hard to me to say that.
We were supposed to grow old together, make our children become best friends, and buy houses next door to each other. Now, none of that is possible.
It was really hard going to his funeral. Seeing his mom cry her heart out that her first born is gone, while Greg, Jack's step dad, looked like he'd rather be somewhere else. Jack always hated Greg ever since he started dating his mom. At first, I thought it was because of the whole 'Man of the House' syndrome, but I found out a couple of months ago it was way more than that.
I remember the day that Jack barged into my room and shut the door and the first thing that had came out of his mouth was,
"That bastard hit my mom."
It took everything I had to convince Jack not to bash Greg's face in. Once he calmed down, he told me what it was like distracting his little sister from the arguments that constantly happened outside their bedroom doors. He played games with her or watched a movie with her. He told me how he had to comfort his mom after Greg had left. Wiping the tears from her eyes, holding her, giving her words of encouragement. Jack was pissed because he knew she would just take him back. They had a love/hate relationship.
Now that he's gone, who was gonna be the one to comfort his mom and be there for his sister?
After the funeral, I went straight up to my room. I hated funerals. I hate how it made you think of every conversation you had with the person. All the arguments, which now seem meaningless, you wish you could apologize for. And you always think of the last conversation with them.
"Come on, Kat I really want you to go."
It's true that if I would've went I would've probably had the same fate as Jack, but I think I didn't push for him not to go enough. I should have planned for us to do something else.
I stare at my ceiling at what feels like hours. I look at my wall of art. I look at my 'Tug of War' piece and my drawings of Jack. I remember him standing by my wall wanting to take down my 'Tug of War'. I get up from my bed and rush over to the pull and snatch down the drawing. But I don't stop there. I grasp for more and more as I tear down my pieces hoping the memories will stop flowing in, but they don't. Tears stream my face like a river. Out of energy, I sit down on the floor and take in what I had just done. My drawings are everywhere and on the edge of the pile I see the 'Tug of War' drawing and take a long look at it. I finally realize what the painting means. I've always felt torn between staying home and going away for college. Leaving my family and Jack. Now, I've made my decision on what I must do.
I grab the drawing and rip it to pieces.
****
My senior year was a blur. I barely even remember walking the stage at my graduation. It was hard not meeting with Jack during lunch to complain about our teachers. Or picking him up from home so I could drive him from school. I just wanted to leave school and leave Cedar. I wanted to leave all the memories behind. The good and the bad.
I got accepted to The New Jersey Art Academy my senior year and left for college right after graduation. It was time for me to start a clean slate. My first semester started out great: I had an awesome roommate, my classes weren't too difficult and I had actually stuck to a workout plan for once.
When Christmas break rolled around I wasn't too excited and it was really apparent. This would be the first time I'd be leaving for home. Thanksgiving wasn't a big thing for me and my mom so I stayed at school. But, as for Christmas, that was my moms favorite holiday. I was slowly packing up my belongings as my roommate, Marina eagerly packed hers. She blasted Disney music as she took down her Disney character posters. Saying she was a child at heart was a mass understatement.
"So you excited to go back home? Cedar right?" She asked me.
"Yea I guess." I say in a unsure manner. How could I say "No, I wish I never had to go back to my hometown" ?
"Your tone sounds very convincing." She said jokingly.
I laugh lightheartedly at her sarcasm.
"I'm sorry, I'm just not looking forward to the drive back home that's all." I say. Which really wasn't a lie. On the drive home I had to think about how I would react to seeing people from my mom wouldn't be that bad, we talked every week while I was in school. But everyone else would be a different story. I would have to see Jacqueline, Jack's sister Sally, and all the children in the neighborhood playing outside. It would just remind me of that fateful day Jack drowned.
As I drive through my neighborhood I drive past Jack's house. The first thing I notice is that it doesn't have Christmas lights up yet. If Jack were alive, they would've been up right after Thanksgiving. Maybe his mom can't find the strength of setting up the lights without him this year.
It's 9 o' clock in the evening when I pull into my mom's driveway. My mom has all the bells and whistles with the Christmas lights and decoration. I grab my luggage and I walk up to the front door. I take a deep breath as I put the key in the lock.
"Be happy. This is a happy time. She's gonna be happy to see me. Be happy." I say to myself. I turn the handle and open the front door.
"Mom?" I call. There is no answer. I hoped that she wouldn't be home so I could get my head together. The 2 hour drive wasn't long enough to prepare myself for the waterfall of memories going through my mind. It's easy to say Yea, I can handle it until you're actually in the situation. And hell, I'm in this situation. I would rather be anywhere else than this God forsaken town.
"Mom are you home?" I call again and, to my dismay, I hear footsteps.
"Kat?"
My mom comes around the corner down the hallway, and she has a huge smile on her face. I almost forgot how much I missed her. As she came toward me with open arms, I could help but run up to her and hug her. In this moment I'm 8 years old again hugging my mom after a long day at school.
"How was your drive?" she asks, but I'm so stuck in the moment, I don't hear her.
"Huh?" I say as I am hurtled back to reality.
"How was your drive?" my mom repeats her question as we break our hug.
"Oh it was alright I guess, no problems"
"That's good. Well you can get your stuff up to your room and I'll finish dinner."
"Alright" I say as I turn and grab my 2 huge luggage bags. When I get to the stairway I can see into the living room where my mom has set up the Christmas tree, with a few gifts under it. I remember Jack would always drag me downstairs to help set up the Christmas decorations every year. I slowly walk upstairs to my room, and my open the door to my room. My wall is no longer filled with my art work. I didn't throw them away, but simply put them in the top drawer of my bedside dresser. Tired and drained, I just lay on my bed and rest my eyes.
"Okay, I can do this." I think
"3 weeks will go by so fast. And I can get out of here-" "
My thoughts are interrupted by my mother.
"Yea?!" I yell down with my eyes still closed.
"Can you go down to Gerald's and get some more vegetable oil?! I ran out!" she asks.
At this moment, I really don't feel like leaving the house, but I think it would be good for me. This'll keep me from being like a hermit crab all winter break.
"Alright, I'll leave in a few minutes!"
"Thanks hun!"
I take a few breathers, grab my backpack and put my wallet in it. I head down to the car and start the drive to Gerald's liquor store. His place is pretty close, but where it's located is kind of eerie at night. It sits on the corner near the end of a long line of family owned businesses. His is the only one that stays open until 11pm. When I get the store, I am annoyed at the parking signs which say:
No parking from 9pm to 4am on Friday's due to street cleaning.For this reason, I'm forced to park a few minutes down from the store and walk. The air is pretty cold, but it hasn't started snowing, which I'm grateful for. As I'm a few stores from Gerald's I walk past a group of 3 guys. I don't even look their direction because it would just make them think I'm interested. But I'm not. I just want my vegetable oil. I stare at the ground and I just see their shoes. Snow boots to be exact. I can smell the stench of cigarette smoke as I walk by them. "Please don't say anything, please don't say anything, please don't say anything. Please"
"Good evening." I hear one of guys say. I roll my eyes and continue to walk.
"Oh you weren't raised to speak when spoken to?" he says. I can hear the smirk on his face.
"Good evening." I say with bitterness. I go into Gerald's and see Gerald himself sitting at the front counter doing a crossword puzzle. He looks up when he hears the bell from the door. He adjusts his glasses and smiles slightly.
"Is that Kathy?" He says. He's been calling me Kathy since I was a little girl. Back when he had a full head of hair. My mom comes in here all the time because he's so friendly.
"Yea. It's me." I say with a smile.
"Well come and give me a hug. Don't act like a stranger." He walks around the counter and I walk up to him and embrace him in a hug.
"What? How long has it been since you've come in here?" He asks as we break our hug.
"About 8 months." I say with shame.
"Wow. Has it been that long? That's right, that was around the accident with-" he stops his sentence as he can read the pain that's on my face.
"Never mind. So what are you doing here?" He asked.
"Oh, umm...I'm just here to pick up some cooking oil for my mom."
"Well alright, you know where it is. And you know what? It's on me. As a welcome back gift."
"Aww..thanks Gerald. Your awesome!" I say genuinely thankful. He's always been a nice guy. I think he's always thought of me as a granddaughter figure.
"No problem. Just promise me you'll visit me more often." He says.
"Of course I will. I'll see you later!" I say with a wave as I walk out the door.
"Alright, be safe!" he says as the door closes behind me.
Seeing Gerald was pretty bittersweet. It was awesome seeing him again after so long, but it sucks how I treated him during the whole Jack fiasco. And I know it wasn't just him that I did it to, but to everyone at school, my neighbors, and even my mom probably. I just shut myself from everyone and stayed in my room until I moved out. Me coming back could be the time for me to fix some relationships that I've damaged.
Now, I'm getting close to those sketchy guys again, and my joy that came from my talk with Gerald is now gone. Once again, I look down at my feet and even put my earphones in to pretend I'm listening to music. I walk past them and feel satisfied. Until, I feel like someone is following me. I turn around and sure enough, I see one of the guys are following me. I take off my earphones.
"Yes?" I say.
"Well, we saw you walking alone and we thought it'd be safer if we'd walk with you."
"Oh no thank you." I try to say in a polite tone with my fake smile.
"Well alright, well a few of my buddies wanted me to come over and ask you to chill with us for a bit. You seem like a cool chick."
Now, I might've said yes if this wasn't around 30 year old guy that looks homeless. And if it wasn't 9 o' clock at night. And if this guy wasn't staring at me like I was fresh meat.
"No thanks. I have to get home." I say as I turn around. As I'm walking away, I feel a hand on my shoulder which forces me to turn around. This guy is right in front of me and his breath smells like this guy has had cigarettes for dinner and alcohol to drink on the side.
"Come on hon, just for a little bit eh?"
Just then, snow started to fall. What was weird was not how sudden it started to fall, but the intensity of how it started to fall. The wind started to blow and it looked like it was about to be a storm. All in a matter of seconds.
"I said no!" I yell as I push him away. I see the rest of his friends were watching the whole thing and they start running over. Frantic, I turn around and start running to my car as fast as I can. I'm about 5 yards from my car when I slip on frozen water on the sidewalk. I land on my hands and knees and turn to see just the creep who put his hands on me running toward me. I reach for my backpack but remember that I haven't unpacked my pepper spray yet.
Suddenly, I violent gush of wind pushes him to the middle of the street, knocking him on the ground. I wonder where the rest of his group is and in the distance, around where I started running, I see something I've never seen before. It looks like a mini snow tornado surrounding them inside. They are panicked and can't find their way out.
As the other guy is still on the ground, probably recovering from the blow of his fall, I stand up and rush over to my car. Surprisingly, the severity of the storm isn't making it hard to see where I am going. It seems like there is a straight path to my car. I get in the driver's seat and I look in the rear view mirror. The first thing I notice is that the storm has died down, and the snow is falling in a calm fashion. The second thing I notice is the guy standing in the middle of the road. I wonder why he isn't following me. It looks as if he's struggling to get out of something, and I look at his feet. They look to be covered in a shiny substance.
Ice? No that can't be possible... I turn to the driving wheel and I see a dark silhouette in the shadows. It looks like a boy with a hood, leaning with his arms crossed on the streetlamp,but I can't make out the top half of his face. I can just see his smile, which seemed mischievous and accomplished. I knew that smile, but it wasn't a time to start reminiscing. I wiped my eyes from the tears that began to form and I put my head down to put the key in the ignition. When I look back up at the road, the boy isn't there. I start my car in drive and head home.
