Did You Drink the Mercury?

"Wellllll," Sally Acorn leaned back, then lurched forward when she realized she was sitting on a stump. "Ahem. Well, it looks like we're all here except for a certain somebody who is characteristically late. What a shock."

"To be fair, Princez, zis isn't everyone, is it not?"

"I suppose not, Antoine, Captain of Semantics." She looked around for a moment, making sure they were safely contained, away from prying ears. "If you must know, I find it best to leave the regulars out of our meetings. Considers yourselves Generals of the normal populace of Knothole."

"Fascist!" Bunnie exclaimed, marking on her crossword puzzle.

"How does that work?" Rotor asked, usurping Antoine as new heir to the throne of Semantics. "Who outranks whom?"

"I outrank all of you. Anything else?

"Yes, zis still is not everyone."

Sally mouth tightened around her teeth. "Was there a question in there, Antoine?"

"He's right, shug," Bunnie said gently. "What about Dulcy?"

"Dulcy! That was her name! That's been bothering me all day. I haven't seen her in a-"

Rotor hit the brakes at Sally's finger pointed inches from his left eye. "Don't say it."

"Say what?" he asked innocently.

"You were going to say something racist."

"Sorry, should I save it until Tails gets back?"

"Me, I hope that she's dead," Sonic unabashedly admitted, finally arriving.

"Tails is ze 'he,'" Antoine whispered to Rotor.

"I actually thought the jury was still out on that…" Rotor whispered back to Antoine.

"I would gladly shoot Dulcy in the face with a shotgun and literally feel nothing," Sonic continued to announce, taking a seat place in the circle. "Nothing except for 'Oh look, she's dead, that's interesting.'

"Sonic! Keep your voice down."

"Sal, she's Mobius' taxi and she doesn't matter, at all. AT ALL. At all. We need her for lifting heavy things and nothing more."

"Like ze Superman," Antoine whispered to Rotor.

"Which I guess makes me Mobius' Fast Thing. Heh."

"But why-ever for do you want ze Tails dead?" Antoine whispered to Sonic.

"Is there a goal at the end of this discussion?" Sally said, patience wearing just about thin enough to stab Sonic to death with it.

"I suppose it's 'Do you really miss Dulcy?' She's worse than you remember, trust me." Sonic then finally realized that Sally was glaring at him. "Howya doin, BoatButt?"

"Don't call me BoatButt. Where is Tails?"

"I told him to fuckin' bounce. Relax, the exact words were 'Go fuck off into the woods for a bit.' These meetings don't apply to him. All you do is tell him not to listen to me. See, I figure if he's not here to begin with, he won't hear the repugnant shit I say all the time."

Many instincts were flaring off, but they were minor compared to the big one that would have exploded had Tails been present to hear them. "Good thinking, Sonic."

"Fuckin a."

"But it's not a free pass to swear all the time. And it's your job to apprise him of all the information in the meeting. I mean it."

"I know you do, I've seen your 'mean it' face many a time. I'm here to learn, ain't I? Get on with the words."

"Very well," Sally cleared her throat. "Simply, I am worried about declining intelligence. Ours. All of ours." No one reacted. "Everyone!"

"Even me?" Rotor asked.

"Yes! Well no, not you. A little, I guess."

"Because I was the one who told you about this-"

"I know, I know." Sally felt her headache increase by measurable inches.

"Scuse me," Sonic said, raising his hand. "You're worried about us getting dumber?"

"I had NICOLE secretly test everyone every week last month per Rotor's suggestion."

"Using what, exactly?"

"Glad you asked!" Rotor leaned back, lurched forward after almost falling, then cleared his throat. "It was actually a series of carefully constructed puzzles, tailored to each participant's personality."

"Ze double-blind," Antoine whispered to Rotor.

"N… no, Antoine. Anyhow, one test is still in progress-"

"What is a three letter word for 'witch?'" Bunnie muttered to herself.

"-but combined with the questionnaire results from NICOLE, I think we have to enough data to conclude…" Rotor nodded to Sally, who picked up the ball:

"Our scores are getting progressively lower."

"Thaaaat's why NICOLE kept asking me math problems! I thought she was buggy or something…" Sonic said, scratching the back of his head. "Well, she is buggy if she thinks we're getting dumber."

"Your complaint has been logged, Sonic. You, by the way, got the lowest score."

"HA!" Sonic leaned back in mock-laughter, lurched forward when he almost fell. "That's rich. Scores lower than the foreigner, the other foreigner, and the fat autobus."

"And the child."

Sonic sprang to his feet. "This meeting is balls-tits!"

"Fuckin' a," Antoine whispered to Sally without realizing.

"I will not be assassinated by a cabal of… uhhh… Tails… shippers. Is that the- that the right term?"

"Sonic, sit down."

"Sal, listen," Sonic scooched up to a reddening Sal, thick with sudden charm all about his face. "We all know why you really called this meeting. You're going to address the sexual tension that has been plaguing us these past few days and affecting our work. I think it's time we took a deep breath and acknowledged the problem to our friends. Using our… whatya call them…"

"Words," Rotor deadpanned. "And we are all aware that you two are fucking."

"I know that, you crass asshole… crass hole." Sonic spat through grit teeth while Sally got redder for two reasons now. "What I was saying was that there is a different Dulcy-in-the-room we must address." With that, Sonic flipped 'round to Bunnie, leaning forward, grabbed her hand softly in his, looked deep into her eyes and lowered his voice to a Liars Frequency faster than any Being had done before him, and said with complete confidence, "Bunnie, Sally and I would like you to join us in a three-way."

Ten seconds later, Sonic felt impacts against the back of his head, recognizing the bottom of Sally's boot colliding with his skull while a string of curses escaped from her mouth. His jaw hurt like the blazes.

"Bugger off! Bloody bugger to you, you beastly bastard! Fornication! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck and fuck! Fuck, fuck and bugger! Bugger, bugger, buggerty buggerty, fuck, fuck, arse! Balls balls fuckity, shit, shit, fuck and willy! Willy, shit and fuck and…" Sally paled. "…tits."

"Sonic is playing Ground again!" Tails said, having stumbled into the group.

"How long have you been within earshot, Shug?" Bunnie worriedly asked with her hands to her mouth.

"Long enough to hear Aunt Sally lose a bunch of money to the swear jar!"

"Great, well that's just great," Sally said, "Or it would be if we could even find the swear jar. My life and this meeting are both equal levels of disaster." Sal nodded to Sonic's body. "Sorry on his behalf, Bunnie."

"No problem, Shug. Always thought it was a reds versus whites situation. Kinda like them war of the roses." Bunnie said, her courtly southern ways not helpful.

Sonic grunted to his feet. "Annnnd I return. And so does Tails. Tails! For fuck's sake, what happened this time? Did you try to shave with a rock?"

"No, after going on that fuck-off you told me about, I fell a bunch of times!"

"… That's the stupidest thing I've ever fucking heard. You fly. Your balance should be impeccable. It's inexcusable you little fuckrag."

"But I wasn't-"

"Don't bother explaining," Sonic said, putting up a hand. "Where were we?"

"Ze' three-w-"

Sally's fist slammed full-force into Antoine's face, knocking him unconscious. "The tests. The tests," she said.

"Ah yes," Sonic continued, stepping over Antoine. "I'm impressed with you, Rotor. Quack is turning you into a nice little Nazi protégé."

"Hey!" Rotor paused. "Thank you."

"Welcome. So, this 'declining intelligence virus' explanation or whatever doesn't fly. Now-"

"I can fly!"

Everyone looked at Tails for a long time. Sonic's expression was especially wrinkled and full of rage. Slowly, he began again. "Now… I'd accept something like, we're all working too hard, or NICOLE has a stupid virus, or the scores are getting progressively harder… Like those two things. Besides, our intelligence has nothing to do with our war against the Fat-Shaped Container of Evil. Like Knuckles says, it's shithouse."

"I rarely understand a word of what Knuckles says," Rotor said.

"Sounds cool with the accent, though."

"Aunie Bunnie has an accent!" Tails yelled.

"Yes she does, little buddy," Sonic said, uncharacteristically fatherly. "And that's one of the many reasons I loved sleeping with her."

"Forcing this runaway train back on track by pretending I didn't hear that," Sally said, eyes boiling in her head. "We need to help each other. We're all in this together."

"Your vaguely communist attitude does not convince me, but it's cute. Learning algebra is entirely unnecessary especially considering I save the day all the time."

"Assuming that's true for the sake of the argument, you won't be around forever."

"Defeatism. See? Look at that big word I just whipped out. We're fiiiiiiiiine."

"Even so, I'm putting you all on a strict regimen to keep your minds and bodies sharp. Classes and exercise. Mostly classes. Starting tomorrow." Sally plowed on through the groans. "And Rotor, since you are the one who brought this to my attention and seem to be largely unaffected by whatever is happening, we will concentrate instead on getting you into shape."

"Hey I didn't agree to that, what the fuck?"

"Sonic, half of your day will be devoted to getting Rotor up to a mile in 15 minutes."

"I'd rather practice sodomy," Sonic grumbled.

"Now we are talking!" Antoine exclaimed, rising from the dead. Bunnie unconsciously scooted away from him.

"I can't run tomorrow, I'm shomer shabbos," Rotor said.

"What?" Antoine asked.

"Shomer shabbos."

"What?"

"Shomer shabbos!"

"Antoine, sit down before I put another fist up your balls," Sally said.

"Another?" But still he sat down. "Yeesh."

"And Rotor, you are running for the first part of your day. The rest will be devoted to finding out what is wrong with us."

Rotor crossed his arms and muttered something like "misallocation" and "fart box."

Sonic leaned closer to Sally, trying to be delicate. "Sal, you're a fun gal, that's why I sleep with you, but this is not a good idea."

"You're saying, you're saying what? Saying that- BUNNIE! Give up on this thing!" Sally swiped the crossword from Bunnie's hands. "Saying that I'm not capable of keeping us alive?"

"I think more than knowing what we're doing, we don't know what we're doing.

"That doesn't even make sense-"

"I can fly!"

"WILL SOMEBODY TEACH THIS INSUFFERABLE CHILD?" Sonic yelled as he contemplated giving Tails summer teeth. Summer here… summer there…

"Rotor," Antoine said, cutting the silence. "What is zis Shabbos?"

Rotor was less glad that someone asked. "Tomorrow, Antoine, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means I don't start a fire, I don't answer the phone, I don't drive a car, I don't fucking ride in a car, and I sure as shit DON'T FUCKING RUN. Shomer shabbos!"

"Ah. I am getting it, now."

Sally, momentarily calmed, tried again. "… Look, Sonic, this isn't about-"

"Shomer fucking shabbos."

"Oh fuck it, that's it, I'm out of here!" Sally swiped NICOLE and Bunnie's crossword from the group and stormed off. "You can pilot Mobius into the hot flames of the sun for all I care, you fucking peasants!"

The remaining group watched her disappear around a hut after knocking down no less than three other Knothole residents.

"Hag," Bunnie muttered.

"Yeah… she's tense. That means she's not getting any." Rotor stated.

"I guess that means you are not getting any, eh shug?" Bunnie directed to Sonic.

"Yeah, well, I tried to solve that…" Sonic said.

Tails waited for what he felt was the right moment to ask. "Sonic, what's sodomy?"