We had barely said a word afterwards.

Very carefully, Tonks and I had climbed down the stairs, and had exited the house, to Apparate back to headquarters.

Sirius had greeted us, and halfway through the telling of what we had found, the rest of the members of the Order had started to come for that night's meeting. It was better wait for all of them to arrive; I was not very eager to have to repeat what had happened more than once.

I was in charge of the briefing, so I retold the whole story, trying to keep the fear that was still too fresh in my memories, out of my voice. I delivered the facts as detached from them as possible, trying to convince myself that I was not talking about us, but about something else entirely, remote and out of our reach. It seemed to be working, right into the point where I had found Tonks' corpse on that wretched room.

"There had been some extra protections," I said, glancing at her. She had morphed her plain black t-shirt into a sleeveless turtle neck before entering Grimmauld Place and, I understood why she would not want the extra attention. There was no external sign of our recent struggle, except for the small wounds in her arms. Her eyes were very bright, and I failed to read in them what she wanted me to do. I was on my own on that, apparently. "We managed to undo most of them and, most importantly, to retrieve some information." I wrapped it up in what hope was an unquestionable finishing tone, while Tonks produced the blueprints and the black notebooks from her pockets and tapped them with her wand to restore them to their original size.

There was no need to tell the rest of the Order about that boggart, and least of all, to describe what it had turned into. I wasn't sure even if I wanted to think about it any further. However, I was sure that that image would chase my dreams for a very long time.

"What sort of protections?" Trust Mad-Eye to raise that particular question. It was logical, of course. We needed to know as much as possible, in order to be prepared to whatever future encounter we might have. That didn't make it any easier to answer, though.

"Enchanted objects," Tonks prompted before I could decide what to say. "And some sort of remotely triggered explosion that created a vacuum-like hole. Protections on most doors and some windows and... a boggart."

There.

She had said it.

"A boggart?" Bill Weasley asked from his corner of the table and I just wished he'd go back to Egypt and stop asking.

"It's a cleaver plan," Tonks continued, addressing Mad-Eye almost exclusively. "Effectively placed, it can difficult any intruder's task. Plus, had somebody been there, they could have learned a lot about us by what the boggart turned into when it saw us."

I couldn't help but admire this take on the matter. We had not discussed the incident at all, but apparently she had been doing a lot of thinking on her own. Just as I had, only, I had not come with anything as useful as this.

"Use our own fears against us," Mad-Eye grunted.

It was a very twisted, uncomfortable thought. Did that meant that they would go through Tonks to get to me, now that they knew what shape would my boggart take? And yet my boggart was a full moon, it had always been! It was so illogical... and even though I needed to figure out what was happening with me, this was absolutely not the time to think about it, not when Tonks was still speaking.

"They won't get the chance with this one, though. We destroyed it, and set fire to the house for good measure. We had already triggered one explosion, it was more than obvious somebody had been there. So we destroyed any trace as to who it had been."

"It would've been better for you not to leave traces, lass."

"No kidding! I know that, Mad-Eye," Tonks puffed indignantly, "we just couldn't all right? This was the next best thing!"

"It was fortunate nobody was there-" Arthur started talking and the whole conversation headed to a different direction. Had it been a tramp? Or had we been just lucky? Were we meant to find those blueprints and notes?

Tonks did not say another word. At some point, our eyes met, and again, I could not tell what was she thinking or even if she was thinking something related to what had happened on the red house earlier.

Nor much later the meeting dissolved, with new tasks assigned and new measures taken about the precautions for future encounters. Finally, people started saying their good nights and leaving.

Tonks amongst them.

She had an early shift in the morning, she had told me much earlier. It made sense for her to leave, of course.

Only, I couldn't make up my mind if I wanted her to or not.

I had the nagging sensation there had been something... a moment back there where I should have said something, or maybe it had been her... was there indeed something to discuss? Wouldn't it be better for us to just forget about it all?

As she turned around and said a general good-bye looking at all of us and at no-one in particular, I realised that was exactly what she was thinking.

It did not take away the uncomfortable feeling.


I couldn't sleep. No matter how hard I tried to convince my brain that we would need to wake up in a few hours and be ready to work, it just refused to shut up. I turned on my bed again, moved the pillow, took deep breaths, nothing. I grabbed the blankets and threw them away. Still nothing.

It didn't take a genius to know why.

Every time I closed my eyes, images of the mission came flooding into my brain. Remus, climbing up the stairs, too far from me to reach for him. His dead body on the floor. The way he had freed me from that scarf... but above it all there was that look the moment I entered the room where my corpse laid. An expression I'd never seen in him before. Had it been fear, despair, incredulity, relief? A mix of all those?

And of course, there was the question, screaming from inside my skull. What did the shape of his boggart meant? And mine? That was not what my boggart was supposed to look like at all... and yet...

I couldn't stand the idea of his death. He just could not die.

And where had Bellatrix gone to? Not that I missed her, of course, but that was what the boggart was supposed to look like. It had been like that since that time I had seen her in Azkaban when I was still training. It had been mostly annoying afterwards, having to face her every time some Auror decided to throw a boggart for a test, but I had practically gotten used to her popping out of no-where.

Could it be that, once you knew what your boggart were, you would get so familiar with it you would actually miss it?

Of course not, I thought angrily, turning again on the lukewarm sheets. I did not miss seeing her! The idea was just twisted.

But confronted to what I had seen earlier. It was thousand times preferable to face her than to look at…

I could not stop recreating the image of Remus lying on the dusty ground and with a shiver I stood up. There was no point on trying to sleep, I was just too restless.

Maybe, I thought, while heading to the kitchen to make myself a cup of hot cocoa, maybe this was a different type of boggart. One that would trigger some different fears that would not only scare the skin out of you, but also disconcert you with something new, thus making it all more effective. But did such a creature even exist?

Ironically enough, the only person I knew I could ask that question was the owner of the corpse. Remus was the wizard with the vastest knowledge on dark creatures I could think of.

We had not talked about it. Any of it. At some point during the briefing I had had the impression he wanted to, but I was not very sure how that would turn out to be. What was there to say we had not already said in that wretched red house? Well… truth to be told, we had hardly spoken after destroying the boggart.

"So… I'm your boggart, huh? What d'you reckon that mean?" The question sounded silly, even inside my head.

From my point of view, it was just too clear what it meant. I groaned aloud, hoping against hope this was just a very particular sort of boggart, instead of a brand new fear with so many difficult, complicated consequences.

Three soft taps on my door snapped me out of that hope. Three in the morning was no time for visitors, I thought, pointing my wand at the door. Unless…


Three in the morning was definitely not the right time to pay a visit, least of all to an Auror trained by Mad-Eye Moody, known for jinxing first and asking later. But what else could I do other than being tortured by my own thoughts?

And why did I thought Tonks could have the answers, I had no idea. And there I was, knocking at her door and half expecting her no to be there, which was a very stupid hope to be honest. Where else could she be after the day's experiences, considering that she had an early shift in the morning?

The door opened much quicker than expected, and sure enough, there was the point of her wand aiming directly at me.

"It's Remus," I whispered. "I'm sorry to call on you this late-"

"Second time we saw each other?" she whispered hoarsely.

"Diagon Alley. We couldn't show we knew, so we just walked by," I said, relieved I remembered.

The door opened and I was inside, suddenly forgetting what was I doing there in the first place.

"I'm sorry-" I repeated.

"It's ok. I was awake anyway."

She looked tired, though. In the overlarge t-shirt she used as pyjamas Tonks looked thin and small, and the dark marks on her neck seemed to have grown darker and larger since I had last seen them.

Without pausing to think if this was a good idea, I stretched my hand and gently touched the contour of the marks.

"Does it hurt much?" I asked.

"Only if you press on it," she said softly.

"Couldn't you morph them away?"

"Absolutely. Only, I've learned that injuries and bruises heal better and faster if I just let them be and not try anything funny on them. That's why I changed my clothes instead earlier."

My fingers were still tracing the contours of the bruise. What was the matter with me? Why couldn't I just stop, and apologise for disturbing her, and just leave?

A hissing sound from the kitchen made me jump and less than a second later Tonks was running away.

"Bollocks, I forgot!"

I followed her and arrived in time to see her pointing her wand at a small pot, bubbling over the stove.

"Need help?" I asked.

"No… I'd left milk on the fire. I was making some hot cocoa… never mind."

I watched her, as she levitated the pot into the zinc. It would have been amusing, had I not been so nervous about what to do next.

"I could have just warmed it with my wand… only, there was no hurry, and then you arrived and I forgot…" she trailed off. "So," she added in a more steady voice, "not that I don't want you to be here, but you have to admit, it's rather a strange hour…"

"I just… I wanted to see you're all right."

She looked at me for a long moment. "Oh," she finally said. "Thanks. I'm fine. You?"

"As good as it can be, given the circumstances."

"Aha."

She shifted a little on the spot and I just felt like an idiot. The only sensible thing to do was to apologise again for the lateness of the visit and just leave, before both of us would be crashed by our own awkwardness. And yet, my mouth seemed to have a mind of its own.

"My boggart is a full moon," I heard myself saying.

"Not anymore, it isn't," she snapped.

"I just… don't understand." I lied. Because the truth was I understood only too well.

It had taken a boggart for me to realise that this very strange infatuation I had on Tonks had shifted into something much more serious than that. That was the only rational explanation, and it was such a terrible one. And it had also triggered a new question. I knew what my new boggart meant... what about hers? Could it possibly be that...?

"Is there only one type of boggart?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, is it possible that this one was a different kind of boggart? One that doesn't show what you fear the most, but something new that not only scares you, but surprises you, thus being more effective?"

It was an interesting theory. Only…

"No, Tonks, there is only one type of boggart. And it is a very difficult creature to manipulate… it might be impossible even."

She sighed.

"My boggart used to be Bellatrix."

That was understandable. "But today it wasn't."

"Nope."

She sighed, and shifted again. She was so brave in front of enemies, and curses, and missions, and at the same time, she could look so small and insecure. And I was just acting like an idiot, too scared to admit what was so obvious.

"When I saw you there," I started, deciding that my fears were silly, ridiculous, and, just like the boggart before, I had to get rid of them, "purple, gasping for air with that wretched scarf around your neck, I couldn't even think straight. But afterwards, when I left, I was just… so scared. I couldn't imagine what I would do if something happened to you."

Tonks was looking at me, a small crease between her eyes.

"I was pretty scared when the floor exploded and I couldn't see you," she whispered.

"I was all right," I said.

"From where I was standing, there was no telling."

I considered what she had said for a moment.

"We will never be able to tell… not really… if we're going to get unharmed out of a mission."

She shrugged. "It's part of the job description."

"Only," I said, taking a deep breath to steady myself, "we're not talking about the job description anymore, are we?"

"I don't think so, no," she said, taking a step towards me.

How was it possible that I wouldn't hesitate to take three Death Eaters on my own, and I was finding it so difficult now to just take the step that covered the distance between us? I had seen the boggart, hadn't I? How much signs did I need now?

And just as if it were about facing a dangerous dark creature, I took that extra step and hugged her, and the moment I felt her arms around me, I kissed her. It felt like jumping into the void.