Episode 1:2- A Christmas Tail


"How did you get rid of them?" Rose asked, leaning heavily against a tree.

"We froze them with the garden hose," Calvin said.

Hobbes coughed. "We also got grounded, I seem to recall."

Calvin sent a glare his way which clearly said shut up now. Hobbes shut up. Rose looked back and forth. There was no garden hose anywhere, and she said so.

"I found a missile launcher in the back room," suggested Ace hopefully.

"NO," Rose said firmly. Calvin opened his mouth like he was about to argue Ace's case, but quickly shut it. It wasn't a good idea, as far as ideas went.

"We could try chucking snowballs at them," Rose added.

Calvin shook his head. "So not a good idea. Trust me on that."

After about five minutes of conversation, it appeared that no one had any bright ideas that didn't involve sub-atomic missiles and grenades.

"So, we're all resigned to dying horribly, then," sighed Hobbes, sitting down heavily on a flattish patch of snow. "Some Christmas this is turning out to be."

"Uh, no," said Calvin, brightening up. "You know how sometimes I have really great ideas?"

"No," said everyone.

Calvin nodded. "Exactly."

He threw himself outside into the direct path of the snow dragon, which had made several continuous loops around the garden and was now outside their hiding spot. "Banzai!"

Rose very carefully placed her head in her hands. "Oh, dear..."

Calvin was making threatening motions towards the snowmen, and shouting obscene nonsense at them. Ace had, for no apparent reason, disappeared from the hiding spot behind the trees, leaving Hobbes and Rose to watch their friend get killed less than an hour after waking up from a near-fatal coma. They weren't actually surprised, which said quite a lot.

"Got any popcorn?" wondered Hobbes, lazily clearing snow from the place he was sitting in, as Calvin knocked the head off of the nearest snow goon. Rose shook her head mutely, and bit at her fingernails nervously.

"Out of the way!" yelled a familiar voice from across the yard. Calvin dived into a bush, and Ace sped gleefully and destructively through the snowgoons on a half-built motorbike, screaming like a banshee. Hobbes pumped a paw in the air, hooting loudly.

"The company's a bit frosty out here!" Ace yelled, kicking the gear up, and revving the motor. She plunged into the nearest clump of goons, smashing them into so much slush and frozen ice.

Hobbes started to sing Let It Go quietly, much to Rose's eternal annoyance. She scrambled out from behind the trees, and swung herself gracefully up to stand in one of the higher branches so she could watch. Most of the snow goons were gone, which was good. The snow dragon wasn't, which was... bad. She shook some snow down onto her tiger friend's head to get his attention. "Hey!"

"Yeah?"

"You know how occasionally my ideas are better than Calvin's?"

"...yeah?"

Without responding, she jumped down from the tree onto the snow dragon's back, landing firmly and improbably between the crest behind its head. She held on tight as the massive white worm-like creature bucked and squirmed.

"AUUUUUGHAAAAAAHELPGAAAAAH," she yelled, which is only an approximate transcription. Calvin watched from the bushes with some amount of pride. The dragon dived straight down into the snow, and Rose spluttered and coughed as she was dragged down through the cold, icy slush. She grabbed a shovel as she was towed past it, and set about whacking the frozen beast to pieces.

She fell over when she was done, panting as she stared at the sky.

Achievement unlocked, she thought to herself. Snow Goon Slayer. Receive ten credits and a gold medal. Level up.

"Nice job," Hobbes said, tripping over the little piles of dismembered snow goons on his way towards her. "Any chance of getting some hot chocolate at your mom's place?"

Rose groaned, and half-wished that her friends were slightly less insane, before hauling herself up to her feet. "Sure," she said. "Let's go."

As she, Hobbes, Calvin, and Ace (still towing behind her half-wrecked motorbike) tramped back up to the apartment, it was extremely obvious that no one had noticed the almost-destruction of the Earth via snow goon.


The next morning, Rose was woken way too early by obnoxious loud singing and clanging.

"ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY BEST FRIEND GAVE TO ME- A TIGER SINGING OUT OF KEEEEEY!"

She threw off her covers, and stumbled into the living room, where Calvin was marching around, banging two pans together as noisy accompaniment. He stopped when she entered, giving her a charming grin that would have worked on anyone except her.

"Join me in Christmas spirit!" he cheered, and resumed marching. "ON THE SECOND DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY BEST FRIEND GAVE TO ME- TWO CANS OF NITRO AND A TIGER SINGING OUT OF KEEEEEY!"

Rose threw her hands up in the air in exasperation. "It's not the tiger's bad singing I'm worried about!"
"ON THE THIRD DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY BEST FRIEND GAVE TO ME- THREE MILLION PRESENTS, TWO CANS OF NITRO AND A TIGER SINGING OUT OF KEEEEEY!"

Rose gave up, and stalked back to her room, passing Hobbes on the way. He appeared to have fashioned a pair of earmuffs using two spoons and a bread roll, split in half. He gave her a big thumbs-up as he walked past.

"ON THE FOURTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY BEST FRIEND GAVE TO ME- FOUR DEAD DALEKS, THREE MILLION PRESENTS, TWO CANS OF NITRO AND A TIGER SINGING OUT OF KEEEEEY!"

Rose's complete thought patterns at the moment went along the lines of SHUT UP followed by several book's worth of nasty swear words. Somehow, her mother had endeavored to sleep through all the racket.

"ON THE FIFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY BEST FRIEND GAVE TO ME- RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER!"

...and now he had changed songs again. Fantastic.

Rose decided to go back to her room and wrap presents, since there wasn't much point in trying to get to sleep. She closed her door just as Calvin launched into an enthusiastic rendition of 'Africa', complete with beatboxing, despite the fact that it really wasn't a Christmas-y song.


"So," Rose said, leaning against a pillar in the Time Machine. "Is there any point asking why you can't just make another Transmogrifier Gun? It'd be easier than going through all the process of making something else."

Calvin stopped banging two pieces of steel together to look at her. "The key component to the Transmogrifier's pretty rare," he told her. "We're not going through that mess again just to build another one! Why else do you think I just build one instead of making a few spares?"

"Actually, we still have the old model around here somewhere," Hobbes cut in.

"Why not use that?" Ace wondered.

"It's box shaped," said Hobbes, raising an eyebrow. "and definitely not portable."

"Oh," said Sentience, swinging her legs from a strut in the roof. "That. I integrated it in myself as part of my evolution. It tasted all weird. Like spinach and icecream."

"Well, that explains all those weird things from when you were evolving came from." Calvin said, too focused on his work to get annoyed or surprised.

"So... what are you building instead?" Rose asked. It was weird that Calvin hadn't just kicked her away while he was was probably the whole emotional trauma, and the fact he had been acting a bit off since he regenerated. It would probably pass soon. Probably.

"Well," Calvin scratched his head, thinking of how to phrase it. "You know how annoying it is that my watch is directly connected to the Time Machine so every time it malfunctions or there's some sort of interference it doesn't work?"

"Uh, so you're making a better watch?" Hobbes wondered, munching on a tuna sandwich

"Nope," Calvin grinned, resuming his tinkering. "I'm making an Ultra Ommi Hacker Tool. When this baby is ready, I will will be able to hack anything like a movie hacker, instead of the usual boring way. I won't be able use it to open looks unless they're digital..."

"That's what explosives are for, though," Ace put in, and Calvin nodded in agreement.

Rose was about to ask how Calvin could build a hacking tool. After all, he wasn't a hacker himself, and hacking wasn't a usual part of most people's education. After a moment, she decided it probably was better not to ask.

"So, you're making an UOHT?" Hobbes asked

"Yep. I also created a safer version of Nitro-9 using play-" he coughed."Uh, using plasticine and other ingredients. It basically acts as a very malleable plastic explosive. It's mostly to blow up door and walls. Just don't spit on it unless you want something to go boom." Calvin said, pointing to a table in the corner that had what it looked like a basket of a generic plasticine that definitely wasn't a brand product.

A spit activated explosive? Yes, definitively something Calvin would do.

"You stole that from me," Ace accused with her arms folded, so maybe not.

"So... you have a safer way to blow stuff up and you are working on something to hack any computer, electronic device or database you want," Rose listed on her fingers, and suddenly stopped. "What's going to stop you taking over the universe?"

"Hobbes will carry the explosives most of the time and the UOHT can only be used if both me and Hobbes agree to. It will also genetically be coded to us two, so don't even try to steal it."

Ace rolled her eyes around innocently.

"Behave," said Calvin. "And I'll make one for you. Failing that, I'll find a lollipop. Go enjoy the pool or something, I need to focus on this."

He went back to work.

"Hobbes, get me the red stapler, the number 3 wrench, and the guide to hacking for hyperactive six-year-olds we got in a garage sale."

"Why?" Hobbles asked and licked his paws, trying to get every last speck of tuna. He was glad Calvin was alive, but still grumpy at having lost one of his lives.

"Because..." Calvin began, and stopped, rolling his eyes. "I don't have time for this. Just get it and I promise, we'll get fresh tuna in our next stop."

"Deal!"

As Calvin and Hobbes went to work on the UOHT, that left the supposed adults with free time.

Never mind the fact both Calvin and Hobbes were about one hundred years old.

Rose looked at Ace.

Ace looked at Rose.

"How did you first got involved in time travel?" Rose asked, with a lack of anything else to say.

Ace scrutinized her, as if weighing up how likely Rose was to betray her, and how easy it would be to take her out if she did.

"Well... I met this guy; I used to call him the Professor, some years ago. He was a time traveler, and he went around helping people and saving Earth... until... something bad happened, and he was gone. Then I found you, Calvin and Hobbes... and you seem to be doing quite a good job doing what the Professor did."

Rose opened her mouth, wanting to ask more, but was interrupted rather rudely by Sentience dropping them all into the pool, changing their clothes into old fashioned swim wear. The girl herself then dived in behind them, screaming "BANZAI!" and wearing nothing but a bikini and a maniacal smile.

Rose treaded water, thinking that it was actually rather nice to have a swim.

And then Sentience landed on top of her.


Hours later, Hobbes was resting until the artificial sun of a spring valley inside the Time Machine, while Calvin had found one of his old 'Spaceman Spiff' guns and was repurposing it. Ace and Rose were having a picnic with Sentience and were a tad worried that Calvin was still working and wasn't opening up the Time Machine to let them out.

Sentience was about to bite into a jam tart, before she seemed to space out for a moment."Uh oh..." she breathed.

"What?" Rose panicked, instantly. "Alien attack? Another evil Calvin? Maybe a danger to time-space continuity?" Rose asked. While she hadn't died herself, seeing the other insane Rose had made her slightly more paranoid about this sort of thing.

"Well, I was just thinking," Sentience frowned. "The timeline you two came from no longer exists, as Grandfather was erased from existence. Calvin and Hobbes are protected from that happening, because their hometown is stuck in a time loop. But we might find alternate versions of you two. And that would be bad."

"What?" Both Rose and Ace asked at the same time.

Sentience raised her hands, somehow managing to do that and finish her tart at the same time. "Hey, calm down. I have a built in paradox detector that Calvin and Hobbes uses to avoid running into past or future versions of themselves. I could help Ace install a portable one in her bike and Rose might be protected from having a time clone due to her Bad Wolf self... or not. The whole universe was reset, we don't know if it still operates under the same rules of time travel. And Calvin can feel it, is not just dying what made him have a sour attitude."

"What do you mean about he can feel it?" Rose asked, glancing over at Ace, who seemed to be thinking about something.

"Calvin seems more in tune with time that he was before. I know because he, Hobbes and me are connected."

"Wait... what do you mean by 'connected'?"

"Spoilers." Sentience said, smiling with a Cheshire Cat-like grin.


The calendar on the side of the kitchen door read '2 days to Christmas'. Calvin had given up singing songs, and was very quietly drawing up blueprints in a tiny section of the living room. They may or may not have had the legend 'G.R.O.S.S.' embossed in the corner of the page. Ace had declared that she was finished with her bike, but would stay for Christmas dinner. She could never resist a party, apparently.

Mickey had stopped by. No one really knew what had happened, but Rose had dashed away from the encounter in tears, and the front door had been slammed, so no one felt inclined to ask into the matter.

The younger kids on the street had become quite fond of Calvin, who frequently disappeared outside with Hobbes to lead wild games of Calvinball up and down the road, and sometimes into nearby houses, too. Rose sometimes joined in on these shenanigans, and when she did, she was the loudest and most enthusiastic of them all, yelling out crazy rules with reckless abandon.

Jackie knew, though, that she was trying to distract herself from having to make a choice between home and travel.


Christmas Eve is an exciting night in any household. Hobbes and Calvin had drawn up ideas for a 'Santa Trap' which was immediately vetoed by Jackie, who sent them to bed with a scowl. Rose stayed up late, staring into the fire with her hands cradling a mug of hot chocolate.

"We wish you a merry Christmas," she sang under her breath. "We wish you a merry Christmas-"

She stopped, and glanced over at the presents already nestled underneath the Christmas tree.

"Yeah," she said, smiling to herself. "Christmas is right on schedule."

"Talking to yourself's the first sign of madness, you know," said Ace, popping out of nowhere. Rose screamed, and nearly fell out of her chair, splashing hot chocolate all over herself. "Don't do that!" she spluttered angrily.

"Sorry," shrugged Ace, not sounding sorry at all. "Merry Christmas."

Rose grinned. "You too. You'd better have got me some great presents, or I'll do something very nasty to you."

Ace curved her lip slightly at Rose, which probably meant she had, and pulled out several apples and oranges from her jacket pocket (which Rose had become increasingly suspicious that it wasn't all it seemed). She then proceeded to fill Calvin and Hobbes's stockings with them.

"Tradition," she said, smiling somewhat uncomfortably. "Or... do you mind?"

"No," said Rose firmly. "It's fine."

She quietly padded back to her room, and snuggled herself under the blankets.


She was woken by the sound of someone chanting quietly, merrychristmasmerrychristmasmerrychristmas over and over.

"It's Christmas," she said, sitting up with a bright grin.

"Indeed," Hobbes cheered, falling ignobly out of her closet and onto the ground. "Oop!"

"The question that begs to be asked," said Calvin, who was perched on her side table. "Is, why Hobbes was in your closet."

Rose pushed him off. "No, the question that begs to be asked is why you're in my room!"

"Is anyone going to comment on my being here?" wondered Ace, who was hiding under Rose's bed.

Rose shrugged. "It's kinda expected that you do insane things once in a while."

"Presents," said Calvin, drawing everyone's attention to the matter at hand. All four of them brightened, and then stampeded down the hall together.

As it turned out, everyone had gotten a fairly decent amount of presents, and a large heap of wrapping paper was piled in the corner.

"A horn," said Ace, irony dripping off every word of her voice as she opened Calvin's gift to her. "For my bike, I suppose. Thanks."

Calvin stuck his tongue out at her. "You think so little of me. Try honking it."

Looking apprehensive, she did. The sound was so loud that it left everyone's ears ringing for several minutes. Calvin had gotten Hobbes several cans of tuna, and he had (in turn) given Calvin two boxes of Snicker Bars.

Rose handed Calvin a large box with much ceremony. He tore into it eagerly, and pulled out...

He launched himself at her, and hugged her around the middle.

"Thanks," he said happily.

"No problem," she said, grinning.

"Wait," Hobbes said, frowning. "What did you give him?"

Rose whispered in his ear, and he immediately grinned and nodded. "Good choice."

Ace rolled her eyes. "I'm not ever going to ask."

Calvin had given Rose a gingerbread replica of the Time Machine. ("It's bigger on the inside!" Rose squealed.) Hobbes had gotten way too much tuna to even be safe, and Calvin had sent Sentience something he called a Randomizer that she could attach to herself.

"What does it do?" Hobbes asked, and Calvin had just shrugged.

"You press the button on the top, and it does something," he explained.

"But what?" Rose demanded. Calvin just gave her a vague look and wandered off.


Later that day, Calvin was loading all his stuff into the Time Machine, and Ace was pulling her motorcycle out. Everyone was preparing to leave. And Rose was standing in the middle of it, split between two worlds.

"You aren't coming with us?" Hobbes asked Ace with a slight pout. She tilted her head and smiled.

"The universe needs me not killed by one of your crazy plans. But we'll see each other again soon, right?"

"Right," said Hobbes, but he was still pouting a bit. Ace shook her head.

"Get your priorities straight, tiger. You don't need me. Look at Rose."

He did, and saw that she was sitting on top of the apartment roof again, staring out at the cityscape, and the recently repaired Big Ben.

"You coming?" he yelled up at her.

She somehow managed to convey 'mmph' from several meters in the air. Hobbes and Ace looked at each other.

(In the background, Calvin flew out of the Time Machine on a barrage of angry insults from Sentience, who he had dropped a heavy crate on.)

Hobbes climbed up to the roof.

Rose looked a bit sad. "I might not come," she said, somehow knowing Hobbes was there without turning around.

"What?" He sat next to her, curling his tail around them both.

"I have a life here too, you know," she pointed out. "And you two don't need me to save the universe."

Hobbes was quiet for a minute. "I think we do."

"Liar."

"Never."

Rose grinned, and elbowed him. "Oh, shut up."

He wrapped a furry arm around her. "Not a chance."

The sun shone down on them, and a stray gust of wind blew scraps of rubbish across the rooftop.

"Look," said Hobbes at last. "I know that it's your choice, and I do admit you... sort of have a life without us. But I have one thing to say before you choose."

Rose looked up. "What?"

Hobbes blinked at her beseeching. "Please?"

Rose stared at him, almost in disbelief. For a second Hobbes thought she was going to storm off the roof or something.

And then-

"Oh, all right!" she cried, hugging him tightly. "Fine, let's go, quick, before I change my mind!"

Hobbes beamed.


Calvin was firing up the engines, and singing a duet with Sentience as Hobbes and Rose bounded into the Time Machine together. They were both horrible singers, and the fact that the song was Friday didn't help matters at all.

"Shut up," Rose requested loudly, kicking the console. Sentience yelped and clutched her rear end, glaring at the human girl.

"Are we going or what?" enthused Hobbes, bouncing around the console room. "Worlds made of smoke, cities made of song, here we come!"

Calvin grinned, and pulled a large switch down. "Indeed!"

"To adventure!" said Sentience, conjuring a goblet of a suspiciously red liquid and holding it high.

"And excitement!" Rose added, snatching the goblet from Sentience and throwing it pointedly to the floor, where it shattered.

"And really wild stuff!" Hobbes cheered.

"There is one word in the English language that will fit this situation," began Calvin. "A word that brings hope to all that hear it, a word that every human child will eventually know..."

Everyone looked at each other.

"GERONIMO!" they chorused.

The Time Machine spiraled into infinity, and broke the barrier of thought and logic.


Ace watched as the Time Machine disappeared. "Well, they seem to be having fun."

Jackie glared pointedly at her. "I want to know what the hell you're still doing here."

Ace could sense when she wasn't wanted, and hurriedly left.