Note: That was supposed to be a oneshot for Christmas, but I've been busy as hell, it's only 34 minutes before Christmas is officially over here in France and I'm so tired I'm gonna die, I've only had 5 hours of sleep in the last 72h.
And it's a poor attempt to make a dialog-only fic. So as it's not good enough to be a separate oneshot and it's too late/I don't want/whatever to work on it anymore, you get it raw. But Merry Christmas anyway!!
"This is an official information that we just received from our reporter in Lapland. Yes, Santa Claus is dead, killed by Kira himself. From our source, Santa wrote a message in the snow before sliding in his chimney, that was lit at the moment, resulting in an awful agony in the fire before he passed away. The message said: "Kira is God, Kira hates Christmas.", letting no doubt about the origin of the death. Our reporter, Clark Liam, is on air from Lapland, Clark, can you hear me?"
"Yes Truman, I hear you. I'm right now in Santa's factory, among his elves, and let me tell you that everyone here is totally devastated by the news. Here is Elora, who works on the teddybears chain. Elora, can you give me your feeling about what just happened? And what will become of Christmas now that the icon of this celebration himself has disappeared? This is a great loss, and I guess that in the middle of your mourning, it is difficult to keep up with the duty that was Santa's without him. But do you have a B plan for such a situation? ..."
"This is incredible..." L stated, chewing his thumb, lightly rocking back and forth, crouched on the couch, watching the daily news with great attention.
"This is such a nightmare, especially for children all over the world..." Watari replied, sighing as he handed a plate where he had just placed a huge strawberry cake piece to the detective.
The crying elf hiccuped several times before managing to utter a few words: "It's so horrible! How can someone hate Christmas?!" She wiped her eyes, trying to regain composure as another male elf approached to support her.
"Please, this is not the moment, and you shouldn't be here." he said, encircling Elora's shoulders and leading her away. "Go away!" he yelled from the distance.
"Lloyd, I'm going to try to talk to someone else, but as you can see, they're all pretty shaken by the event and it's hard to get someone to agree to tell me a few words."
"This is understandable Clark, that's really bad news and our phone lines are assaulted as you can guess. Parents are asking us what's going to happen since Christmas is coming in two days and their children are horrified now that there's no one to distribute presents anymore. Santa was supposed immortal, but it seems not even him could resist Kira, but then, we are left without Christmas' icon himself. The great question is, Clark, is Christmas dead? Can someone from Santa's staff tell us?"
"The elves have just begun to gather around someone that seems important, Lloyd, I'm going to try to approach and hear what they're saying, and maybe question this person. ...I'm close, and I'm seeing the man now. He's an elf too... no... maybe a dwarf, I don't know, but he seems to be in charge here... Ah! Excuse me Sir. Hello? I'm Clark Liam, reporter for the Daily News for ZNews Channel. Can I ask you a few questions, please?"
"Hello. Well, I guess we'll have to make it official anytime soon, so your channel or any other will do. I am Grumpa, I'm Santa's lawyer, and I'm here to apply his testament."
"But how come Father Christmas himself had a testament since he was supposed immortal?"
"Being immortal means that no matter how much you age, you don't die, it has never meant you couldn't be killed."
"So, are you going to tell us about this testament, or at least if there's still hope for all the children watching us now and eager to know if Christmas is still happening or not? Will the elves take over and make the distribution?"
"I know that what just happened will lead to the greatest mourning in the world's history, therefore, and to prevent a general panic, I am officially announcing that Santa Claus' last will was that the most powerful person in the world will be the next Father Christmas. He has decided that on the knowledge that this person has support in all areas of the planet, and can put in action anything and anyone thanks to this, he is the only one able to take this duty over."
"Did Santa state the identity of this person, or is it left to your appreciation, as you are his lawyer? Or will it eventually lead to a massive referendum?"
"The identity is known, and although Santa had decided on his own, we here, elves, dwarves and deer were totally agreeing with his choice."
"Are you planning on making this person's identity official right now? We all want to know who's the next Father Christmas."
"The person going to take Santa's work over isn't destined to be the new Christmas icon, since he can't use magic to distribute the presents to all children all over the world in one single night, unlike Santa who could use his supernatural powers for this duty to be achieved in time, so he will need to organize the distribution at an international rate with the help of many other people. It wouldn't be fair to star one person only, in that case."
"We're eager to know, please, don't let the suspense last any longer. Who is this person?"
"The only person able to take over is L, the great detective."
"Me-lloooooo, I'm coooold!"
"Shut up and help me carry this bag, it's so fucking heavy!"
"But Mellooooo I hate walking in the snow!"
"Matt, if you don't move your lazy ass right now, L's gonna be mad at us for not distributing these presents and I won't get the chocolate he promised. And if I don't get it, you know what it means."
"Oh yeah, I know too damn well, you're gonna be PMSing like a thousand chicks and you're gonna take it out on me."
"Matt."
"And then you're gonna be horny like hell and you're gonna use me as your personal pet."
"Matt."
"And I won't be able to walk for three days after tha... OW!"
"You deserved it. Now move."
"No way, I'm not sliding down this chimney."
"Matt. Go. In. Now."
"Why don't you go, Mel?"
"Because you're skinnier than me."
"Because I don't eat chocolate all the time."
"Are you insinuating I am fat?"
"No. You're perfectly toned and you know it. And I know it too..."
"Matt, take your hands off me and go put this package in this house before they wake up."
"It's not like you to decline, Mel."
"I'm not declining, I'm delaying."
"Mello!!!"
"Let yourself slide down!"
"But I'm stuck! I can't go any further!!"
"I told you to remove your goddamn jacket!"
"Stop pushing me, it hurts! Help me get out!"
"No way, it's already six in the morning and we have two other houses to visit."
"I'm feeling dizzy."
"Why did you have to go in head first?"
"You pushed me!!"
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did! And now I'm stuck head down and ass in the air, and I can't even move! ...Mel? MEL! What are you doing??!!"
"I don't like to delay too much."
"MEL!! Do you want my balls to freeze and fall off or what? Put my pants back!!"
"As soon as I'm finished with you Matt, don't worry..."
"Mello!! You're not going to... MEL!! Ah! Oh... Mmh... Mel... Aaah! Oh fuck, you're crazy!"
"Mmh Matt... you're so tight..."
"Mellooo... Ahn... taking... mmh... advantage of me like... Oh!... this..."
"Ah Matt... oh mmmh..."
"Mmh! Oh fuck yeah! Mel... AAAAAaaahhh!!!!!"
"Matt? Are you ok?"
"I scratched my dick on the chimney tiles!"
"Put the presents at the foot of the tree and hurry up back on the roof!! I hear noise!"
"Mel, why did L only give us three houses to visit? He gave at least fifty to Near, and he even gave more than us to Linda."
"Maybe because it's already eight in the morning, that we only just finished, although he sent us for the Christmas presents distribution at ten last evening?"
