Stalling for Nachos Chapter 2

Jane ponders motherhood and Maura gets the giggles.

R&I R&I R&I

Jane is pushed into the restroom once again, walking backwards as Maura pushes against her chest.

"I got the stupid sign, Maura! You don't have to get so rough."

Maura is looking behind her into the corridor and around the room they just vacated, her eyes darting in a dozen directions.

"Jane, it just occurred to me that we must smell like cannibus."

Jane smelled her own arm and then leaned forward to sniff Maura as well.

"Yeah, we kind of smell like a frat house."

Maura opens the bag hanging from the crook of her arm, sticks a hand inside and begins searching frantically.

"I have some perfume in here that usually covers of the smell of decomp, if I can find it."

"That fruity stuff?"

"Yes. Here it is."

Jane is then spritzed with spray of strong citrus, before Maura turns the bottle on herself.

"I can't walk out there, Jane. Everyone is going to know. They will see my eyes, they will notice my behavior. I can't lie. What do we do?"

"Relax, Maura. I will tell them you don't feel well. You just go stand by the door and wait for the cab. You don't have to talk to anyone."

"Are you sure, Jane? I feel so strange. Part of me is so nervous that everyone will know and part of me just doesn't care. And I don't know what to think."

Jane gathers the blond into her arms and strokes her back softly.

"We'll be fine. Just stay calm."

Maura exhales a shaky breath, returning the hug and then giving Jane a kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you," she whispers.

Jane nods and gives Maura a kiss on the tip of her nose.

"It'll be fine, Maur. Just act normally. Maintain."

Jane opens the door again and watches Maura as she walks away. She stifles a giggle as she hears Maura mumbling "maintain" under her breath.

Jane watches as the blond walks nervously to the front entrance, then the brunette heads over to the jukebox to return the borrowed 'out of order' sign. Mission accomplished, she walks over to their regular booth to say goodby to their friends and colleagues.

"JANE!"

Three voices greet her at various volumes depending on inhebriation.

Jane takes a deep breath and forces a smile.

"Hey, guys. Nina, hi. When did you get here?"

"Just a beer or two ago. Not long."

"I'm really sorry to cut this short then but um, Maura and I are gonna to get going."

"Dude," Frankie whines. "We just got here!" Judging by the empty bottles on the table, they did not just get there.

"Is everything alright?" Korsak asks, between sips of his possibly third beer.

Nina just smiles.

"Yeah, sorry. Maura isn't feeling well. So I'm going to take her home."

"She okay?" her brother asks, beginning to stand and nearly knocking over a few bottles.

"She's fine, Frankie. Sit down. It's just a girl thing. She's okay."

"Are you sure?" Korsak gets a confused look on his face. Like he doesn't quite understand how being a girl could make someone sick.

"I think I have some midol in my bag," Nina offers.

Comprehension dawns on the men with a chorus of 'ohs' and 'ews'.

"Grow up!" Jane groans before turning to Nina. "Thanks for the offer but she does this yoga breathing thing. Besides, she has a pharmacy in her purse if she needs it."

Nina nods in understanding.

"So, we'll see you guys later."

Jane turns to leave, hearing a myriad of get well wishes for Maura and orders to take good care of her. She barely hears the questions: "Did she smell like Maura?" "Did you see the lipstick on her cheek?" "Did you see her dusty knees?" Another chorus of 'ohs' and 'ews' follows her across the room.

Jane grins as she spies Maura waiting by the door, just as the cab pulls up. She opens the door for the blond and follows her outside. She plants a small kiss on Maura's cheek and opens the cab door for her as well. Maura's eyes have a little added sparkle to them and her dimples seem deeper than ever.

Jane begins to feel a bit giddy and leans against the cabbie's window with a mischievous smile. "Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to transport us to two destinations. We are on a quest for nachos bel grande, which yon maiden is demanding in exchange for...well nevermind what it is in exchange for. Once said nachos are acquired, we shall then return to my humble abode. What say you, sir? Do you accept this challenge?"

"Taco Bell and your place. I think I can handle it."

"Then onward, kind sir. To infinity and beyond!"

Jane joins a laughing Maura in the back seat, while the cabbie consults his GPS for the nearest Taco Bell.

"Wanna make out?" Jane asks the giggling doctor, adding an eyebrow wiggle.

"We are not making out in the back of a cab, Jane!"

"Why not? 'Tis a step up from the water closet of yonder pub named for unclean thieves."

Maura cannot stop laughing at Jane's amusing antics. "Still not gonna happen."

Jane looks Maura up and down. Her eyes remain on certain parts of the blond's anatomy longer than others. Then she begins to sway a little and starts to sing.

"Cunnilingus, cunnilingus. Cunnilingus.
Cunnilingus, cunnilingus. Cunnilingus.
Cunnilingus, cunnilingus. Oh, oh oh cunnilingus.
Rock me, cunnilingus!"

Maura is covering her mouth to both cover her shock and to try to stifle her laughter.

Jane gets a far away look on her face as if she is contemplating something of extreme importance.

"What is it?" Maura asks.

"It sounds like a warriors name. Cunnilingus the Great. Or Cunnilingus of Sparta! And he shall defeat Sir Fellatio in an epic battle."

Maura cannot stop the steady stream of giggles coming from her mouth.

"If we ever have a kid, Maur, we should name him Cunnilingus. We can call him Gus until he grows into it. Or Lin for a girl. Or Gus."

"We are not naming our child after a sex act, Jane."

"Oh, don't be like that. I have met a couple of people named Orel. All kinds of B.J.s, too. But it wouldn't be after the sex act. After the warrior. What is that called when a word has more than one meaning? Like a synonym or an antonym. But different, except the same."

"A homonym?"

"Yes! A homo-nym! I should have known that!"

"Cunnilingus is not a homonym for a sex act and a warrior."

"Well, it should be. Submit it to Webster's or Oxford's. They'll listen to you."

"What?"

"People can submit new words or definitions to scary word judges and have them added to dictionaries. I saw it on 'Sam & Kat' or 'Kat & Sam'. I can never remember what order they go in."

Maura shakes her head. "I think an actual warrior has to be named Cunnilingus before a committee would even consider the submission."

"Which is why we should name our kid Cunnilingus, Maura! Set the precedent!"

"Even if we hypothetically named our child Cunnilingus," Maura manages to say between giggles. "There is no guarantee they would grow up to be a warrior, Jane."

"But if we raise them to be-"

"Our child will choose their own career path."

Jane slumps back against the seat, mumbling "Buzzkill."

Maura continues to giggle while repeatedly saying, "No."

"Taco Bell ahead," the cabbie says.

Jane fist pumps the air 'yes'. "How long is the line at the drive thru?"

"One car."

Jane grabs Maura's leg in excitement. "Yes! Let's get two orders of Nachos bels Grandes. I kind of want some too now."