A/N - Ok, due to popular demand, we have Merlin's POV...drum roll... this may not be what everyone was expecting but I hope you enjoy nonetheless.
Even in his busy life there are small moments gained for reflection. They are rare quiet times when his mind can assess all that has happened; can finally sort it and make sense of it and file it away. Mostly they come when he is sprawled on his small pallet at night, on those rare occasions when he doesn't fall into a fast, exhausted sleep. Sometimes they are moments of beauty so striking that little else can penetrate for those few stolen minutes of calm: a clear moonlit night from the windows of the great castle; the unicorn in the glade; the cold stream with breaking ice after the winter thaw; the sunrise glinting through trees still dripping with morning rain, scattering the light into rainbow shards.
Sometimes he fills these moments with Arthur; the frustrations of the man, the constant wearying worry about his safety. Sometimes his mind flicks to Gwen, her kind heart and confused love. Often in these times he allows himself his fear of Uther; the crushing terror of discovery. Rarely now he lets his heart remember a brief burst of kinship; the firelight from candles dancing before Freya's sad eyes. He cries tears for her body burning in a boat up on a lake. And sometimes, when he has time, he ponders the problem.
The problem is that he'd told Gaius he'd protect her.
He knows that it's his fault that she's left alone with the knowledge of her gift. He knows he is a coward for not admitting to her that he also has magic. When he has the time he regrets the decision, the fear that kept his mouth shut. He regrets the coward that kept his secret while she confided in him hers. She is used to power, used to control over her own life and now she has none. She knows that at any moment all the things that she takes for granted could be taken away: her status, the love of Uther, the respect of Arthur. All of these would be burnt in the flames, consumed on the pyre. And yet his fear binds him still. His destiny calls and he cannot achieve it if he has to run. Who will protect them all when he is gone?
The problem is that he promised himself he'd protect her.
That day he returned from the Druids, he made a pledge to Gaius that he would take care of her. How genuinely he made that pledge and yet it has been many months and he cannot even remember the last time they spoke. Each time he has caught a breath, another crisis has descended and he is but one man.
There are moments when Arthur is not commanding him, Gaius is not swaying him and the dragon is not trying to control him, when he looks up through long lashes and sees her staring at him; desperate for a connection in a world that has rejected the idea of her. In the corner of his eye, he can see her withdrawal, see her absence. He will look around the room and notice suddenly that she is not there beside Uther as she once was. If she is, her eyes are blank, looking inward to herself. He remembers the vibrant extraordinary beauty he first met and wonders when this pale imitation took her place.
He smiles, he greets her, his eyes try to convey his understanding of her. He tends to her at feasts and tries to make sure her goblet is full. He makes jokes in front of her, hoping to cheer her. He confronts the Witchfinder with her as much in mind as Gaius. He hopes in these small actions she will see that he thinks of her. He longs to tell her that she is not alone, to care for her as he cares for so many others. Between Arthur and Gaius and Camelot and his destiny and his chores and the dragon he is just so busy.
But one day, one day he will finally have the hours. One day he will go to her chamber and discuss the magic. He will let her know she has only to speak to him in confidence and he will listen. One day he will take the time to discover the problem with Morgana. But the small time for reflection is past, the night is over, the busy day has begun. And today is not that day.
Hope you enjoyed. I originally envisioned the first piece as being somewhere in S3 and was going to wait till the end of S2 before I wrote this. However, I'm a bit worried from the trailers that they're going to hit a "Morgana is evil" button (look at the remarkable transformation! Lonely to evil in only 40 minutes!) so had to get in first and work with what they're giving us in S2. As always, please review.
