Chapter 2: A Vision to Christmas of the Past.
"But what am I going to do in a parapsychologist's office? " Victoria asked bewildered.
"A past life regression ... to remember the reasons for your problems and your sadness at Christmas. Where are you going? " Nancy asked complaining when she saw Victoria turn around to leave.
"I'm not going to submit to a past life regression or hypnosis of any kind! ... I will not put my head in the hands of a stranger and less than a witch! " Victoria protested.
"She is not a witch! ... She is a respected professional in her field, and she is very kind and effective in her work ... I know because a few days ago I regressed with her," Nancy replied.
"You made a regression and you did not tell me anything! And what are you supposed to remember? " Victoria said between scandalized and curious.
"Well, I remembered at least three different lives apart from the current one, including one as a maid of a powerful lady ..." Nancy answered in a slightly enigmatic way and seeing Victoria with a look that made Victoria felt a small chill, "But you have to do it yourself so you can understand it," she added enthusiastically.
"No, no way ..." Victoria began.
"You will, because it is a gift of mine for you and I would resent you to reject it," Nancy said turning serious.
"I'll compensate you, I ..." tried to claim Victoria.
"On the other hand, I did not want to resort to this, but you do not leave me another option ... do you remember the time you made me get on that plane with you and jump by parachute? It was two weeks before your wedding with William and you asked for it as a wedding gift, because you wanted to live an intense experience with your friend, a last maiden experience ... and you knew that I was very afraid and you forced me to overcome my fear. And remember what you said? If, someday I asked you to do something crazy, whatever it was, you would do it to pay off your debt to me ... well, that day has arrived," Nancy said seriously but with a mocking and a bit sarcastic smile.
"That's a low blow! " exclaimed Victoria crossing her arms and sulking, in a gesture that made Nancy laugh because it reminded her of Victoria's daughter, Lily, when she sulked ... mother and daughter did it in almost the same way.
In the end, Victoria reluctantly agreed and went with Nancy to the office, and the secretary asked them to wait while she went to find Dr. Mary. It did not take many minutes before the doctor arrived, a woman more or less tall, blonde and middle-aged. Nancy introduced them and Victoria was very kind despite her little enthusiasm.
"The pleasure is mine ... Victoria! " Mary said as she shook Victoria's hand, and Victoria felt a little uncomfortable because of Mary's intense and excited look, and because even the parapsychologist's eyes seemed a little wet ...
A while later Victoria was sitting in front of Mary's desk (Nancy had stayed in the waiting room) and the two were talking.
"Before doing hypnosis I have to ask you some control questions, Victoria ... are you religious? " Mary asked as she took notes in her notebook.
"Well, officially I belong to the Church of England, but I almost never go to religious services, and I'm not really a religious ... I consider myself Christian because I love and admire Jesus, and I want to believe that there is a superior force that is also beneficent ... but I confess that I often have doubts and sometimes I am tempted by skepticism," Victoria answered with sincerity.
"And ... do you believe in life after death? ... What do you think about reincarnation? " Mary asked.
"I want to believe that death is not the end of everything ... I want to believe that there is something afterwards and that this something is better than this life, but it happens as with God and I often have many doubts ... As for reincarnation, it seems like a beautiful idea and on the one hand I would love to have a life to correct all the bad that I did in the previous one, and to live again and again the positive things of life, like childhood or love ... but on the other hand it terrifies me relive the fears, dangers and pains of life," answered Victoria.
Mary asked other control questions that Victoria answered and at the end they got up from the desk and went to a divan and an armchair. Victoria lay on her back on the divan, barefoot, and Mary lowered the intensity of the light until the room was almost dark. Mary sat in the armchair next to the divan, and at a small table between the two pieces of furniture she placed an artifact from which hung a kind of pendulum, and made Victoria turn her head to see it. While Victoria watched the hypnotic movement Mary was saying words to relax her and make her go into a trance. It was not long before Victoria's eyelids became heavy and she had to close her eyes. Mary continued saying a series of words that made Victoria plunge into an ever deepening trance until she was totally hypnotized.
"Victoria, I want you to remember the happiest moment of your life ... in this current life," Mary said in a soft, affectionate and hypnotic voice.
Victoria smiled sweetly, her eyes closed.
"It was when I met my husband, William ... He was a Member of parliament, a Tory ... it was not really the first time we saw each other, he had been my father's friend and when I was a little girl he saw me several times in my parents' house ... But when I was three years old he left to live abroad and did not return until several years later, when my father had already died and he had no contact with my mother ... But when I studied law in the University, it presented my opportunity to work with him ..." Victoria said.
Victoria's story told Mary what happened that day in Westminster ... William was in his office when the secretary announced Victoria's arrival. Both were a little shocked to see each other for the first time ...
"Victoria ... Oh my God ... you were a little girl the last time I saw you! I had you in my arms ... I mean ... I had carry you when you were a baby! " said William nervous and very embarrassed, while Victoria blushed and could not help but laugh a little, "Even I took you to bed ... I mean to the crib! " William rectified very clumsy and more embarrassed, and then Victoria laughed and William also laughed at his own stupidity.
They talked for a while and Victoria explained that as a law student she wanted to work as an intern with a Member of parliament because it was a very valuable experience.
"Tell me, Victoria, do you vote for the Conservative Party? " William asked with kindness and a smile.
"Well, if you want me to be sincere, I ..." Victoria answered in a slightly embarrassing way.
"You vote to the Labour Party? " William asked funny.
"No, neither ... I consider myself independent, and in the only General Election that I have voted ... in the last election, I voted for the Lib Dems," Victoria answered with a funny smile.
"Well, do not worry, I'm not partisan," William answered.
Victoria went on to narrate the end of the meeting and how William employed her as an intern, and they started working together.
"Victoria, I want your mind to pass quickly through other happy memories and you go to the first moment when you felt that William was in love with you," said Mary.
Victoria's mind evoked the memory ... it had been less than two months since she had started working with William and their relationship was very close and happy, because it seemed as if they had known each other all their lives. Their long conversations were always full of laughter and sweet and charming moments, but Victoria had carefully avoided talking about her own personal life ... that day, in William's office in Parliament, they had finished the pending work and both were laughing for a joke that William did.
"Well, I think that after such a productive day we deserve a break ... Victoria, do you want to come and drink a couple of beers with me to that pub that I told you about ... the one near here? " William asked trying to sound relaxed and fun, but there was some anxiety hidden in him.
But Victoria's face paled a little and she swallowed thickly as if she were going to say something she did not mean.
"I would love ... but I think today it will not be possible, because ... well, my boyfriend is going to come looking for me," Victoria said nervous and somewhat embarrassed (although she was supposed to have no reason to be ashamed), and her cheeks blushed a little .
"Oh ... I understand ... It's okay," William answered trying to appear calm, but on his face you could feel disappointment and sadness and ... jealousy?
"I'm sorry, William ... if I had known before I would have told him not to come today, I ..." Victoria justified herself as if she were justifying a cheating to her partner.
"No, nothing happens ... a boyfriend has priority over a friend. Also, you are young and you should enjoy life. And them were just a few beers, it's not the big deal," said William with a friendly smile, but anyone who knew him well would notice the great sadness in his eyes.
"All right ... another day will be. See you soon," Victoria said with a nervous smile and left.
Victoria's face under hypnosis reflected a certain sadness when she remembered that episode.
"William told me that he could not avoid the temptation to sneak out and saw how my then boyfriend, Richard, greeted me by kissing me on the lips ... That day I felt sad because I knew I had broken his heart a little ... but I also felt a little happy, because I suspected that he was falling in love with me," Victoria said to Mary under hypnosis.
"Very well, Victoria ... now I want you to remember the next happy moment in your relationship," said Mary.
Victoria remembered that it was a couple of weeks after that failed invitation to the pub (a few weeks in which William did not repeat his invitation despite Victoria's insinuations). Victoria was crying sitting in a corner of the office when William saw her and sat by her side him worried.
"What happens, Victoria? " he asked.
"My boyfriend and me ... we have broken," Victoria answered crying.
"I'm very sorry, Victoria ... if you want to talk about it ... Do you want to tell me what happened? " William said affectionate and protective, sincerely worried about her.
"He and me understood that our feelings were not strong enough, that we were not so in love to continue and take the next step in the relationship, and that we did not really have a future together ... but there was something else, that hurt Richard when I confessed it ... and that's because I'm in love with another man," Victoria replied with tears in her eyes.
"Other man ... I understand ... and it is not daring of me to ask who it is? " William asked sad and anguished.
"You really are so stupid that you need me to tell you! " exclaimed Victoria desperate and angry, without ceasing to cry, making William put a face of surprise and confusion, "It's you, idiot!"
"Victoria, I ...! " William babbled impacted and perplexed.
Both remained looking into each other's eyes, an intense and anxious look. And soon both ended up taking a passionate and prolonged kiss on the lips, while William hugged her tightly. After breaking the kiss, William rested his forehead on Victoria's forehead.
"Victoria ... God knows I'm madly in love with you ... and that there's nothing I want more than to be with you! But I'm scared ... I'm old enough to be your father, I carried you in my arms when you were a baby and your father was a friend of mine ... I also have a past ... you know I had a scandalous divorce, when my wife left with another ... And you are so young! I do not want to hurt you, I do not want to ruin your life," said William trembling with emotion.
"William, I am of age and I am responsible for my own decisions, neither you nor anyone has to take responsibility for my life and my decisions ... And if I am not interested in your age or that you have been friends with my father, nobody else should be interested ... We can not ignore what we feel, we must give us an opportunity ... I propose that we start dating, and we will see what happens. In the worst case we will remain friends," Victoria replied.
Victoria smiled tenderly while narrating under hypnotic trance.
"I was not totally honest with him ... I was not willing to let him go, I had decided that he would be mine," Victoria told Mary, "Our first date was romantic and charming, and on the second date we made love for the first time ... I insisted that he take me to his apartment and we did it there ... it was beautiful and very hot, and I was surprised by the great size of his ..." Victoria added.
"Victoria, you do not have to remember those details," interrupted Mary uncomfortably.
"But it's really big," Victoria said speaking naturally in her trance, as if she were talking about something trivial.
"Very good for you, girl! Now let's move on," Mary said in a quiet voice.
Victoria quickly recalled other happy moments of her current life, such as her marriage to William just a few months after they started dating. The birth of their first child less than a year after marriage, and the birth of their other children.
"Well, Victoria ... now we are going to go further back, before your birth ..." Mary said.
So Victoria remembered when she was in her mother's womb, and placed herself in a fetal position on the divan.
"It feels so warm, so peaceful ..." Victoria said.
"Victoria, now I want you to go back a lot more in the time ... I want you to go back to a previous life ... I want you in your most remote memory to look for the first Christmas in which you were really happy in your previous life ... I want you to remember the reasons why that Christmas was special for you, for those that Christmas was happy. I want you to remember those reasons and tell me how it was that everything happened," Mary asked.
Victoria was silent for a moment, and then began to speak again, but with a slightly different tone of voice, speaking with the accent of the English Royal Family in the nineteenth century.
"I was in Buckingham ... I was waiting for Lord M, we had to have our usual meeting to dispatch the outstanding affairs of state ... He came and knelt on the floor, and kissed my hand to greet me, as he always did ..." Victoria said.
Mary was shocked and a little surprised, but maybe not as much as she should be in that situation. She also looked a little moved ... Victoria described the distant memory of a past life ...
"Well, these are the last dispatches that you must sign for today, ma'am ... this is an order to pay the expenses of the repair of three ships of the Royal Navy. An allocation of funds for workhouses, a decree on norms for the textile industry and a dispatch on appointments in the administration in the Province of Nova Scotia," Lord Melbourne said while putting the documents in front of her on the desk.
Victoria signed the documents but her gesture and her look were distracted and sad, and Lord Melbourne studied her with interest.
"Well, that's the last dispatches ... ma'am, may I ask you a personal question? " Lord Melbourne asked.
"Of course, Lord M ... you can ask me anything you want," Victoria replied, although she blushed and felt a little embarrassed when she realized that her last words were a little improper, being too familiar, with her Prime Minister.
"I appreciate your trust, ma'am ... it's an honor you do me! " Lord Melbourne responded with an affectionate tone and that charming smile that accelerated Victoria's heart, "I have noticed in recent days that you are melancholy, absent and a little sad ... I have noticed that you do not exhibit that natural joy in you, that contagious enthusiasm, and I was wondering if something bothered you. I'm probably overdoing it and I'm meddling inappropriately in your privacy, in which case I apologize," he added kindly but cautiously.
"Oh, no, Lord M! ... You know that I totally trust you and that for me you are more than my Prime Minister and my Private Secretary ... that I am pleased to consider you my friend, and which if there someone I would trust my problems it is you," Victoria replied honestly.
"I am honored again, ma'am " he said humbly.
"You are right ... I am a little distracted, and certainly melancholic and sad. What happens is that Christmas is coming, Lord M ... and I ... well, maybe you will think it's silly," said Victoria.
"I would never think that anything you think or feel is foolish, ma'am," replied Lord Melbourne with that way of seeing her that made her feel the most special person on Earth.
"Lord M, you have an approximate idea of how was my childhood and my adolescence in Kensington ..." Victoria replied sadly, "I spent the whole time locked in Kensington, almost never went outside, and the only people I saw were usually my mother, Lehzen ... and Conroy," that last of names, Victoria pronounced it with contempt, "When Christmas was approaching, I longed to have a Christmas like the one that girls of my age had ... well, from what I knew from the books I read about Christmas, the newspapers I read with the excuse of informing myself about politics and the Monarchy but that in the weeks before the festivity brought information about Christmas, and stories and anecdotes that I begged to Lehzen tell me ... I imagined with sadness and envy the Christmas that other girls enjoyed with their families ... and I thought that I would have given all the gold in the world for having a happy and sweet celebration with a beautiful family ... you know ... to dinner talking and laughing, then to sing together, even to dance and lie down delighted to open the gifts the next day ... But I never had any of that, Lord M ... Christmas in Kensington was almost like any other day ... a dinner boring and sad with Conroy and my mother, and then they sent me with Lehzen to take me to the bedroom and help me undress and prepare me to sleep ... Lehzen tried to cheer me up a bit, but ... you know how she is, it is not the life of the party ... not even the gifts, which I admit were pretty, managed to lift my mood ... I never had a really happy Christmas, Lord M," concluded Victoria.
Lord Melbourne looked at her with sadness and compassion, and he was also angry with those who had prevented that wonderful and sensitive girl from having a life as happy and normal as possible for someone of her status.
"But now you are the Queen, ma'am ... this will be your first Christmas as Queen, and now you have the freedom, the power and the resources to celebrate it as you wish ... as you have always wanted," said Lord Melbourne in an encouraging way.
"I know, Lord M ... and that causes me some emotion and enthusiasm. But ... I barely have 6 months as a Queen, and I still do not get used to it completely. And for so many years of solitary isolation, I really do not have many friends ... I hardly know Emma or Harriet ... more or less well, and of course you, my dear Lord M, who is my best friend, my only true friend. I could surround myself with people, because around a Monarch there are always enough people, but I do not want to surround myself at Christmas with people who only come to me for interest and that I do not know them or barely know them ... I know, I can't recover those lost Christmases of my childhood , but I wish I had something as close as possible, something intimate and familiar but very happy and charming, I just do not know how ... Lord M, could I ask how you celebrate Christmas? " Victoria said.
"Me? " Lord M asked surprised, "Well, actually since my son died I do not worry much about thinking about Christmas ... I simply accept the invitation of my sister Emily and spend Christmas Eve with her and her family. But only because my sister insists, if not, I think I would spend it in Brocket Hall, drinking after dinner like I do any night," he added with a smile.
"That plan in Brocket Hall would be worse than my Christmas in Kensington," Victoria replied and both laughed, "Lord M, I would like to ask you something, and you do not feel obliged to accept, because it is being asked by a friend and not the Queen ... Would you like to spend Christmas here in Buckingham? " she added anxiously and with the gesture of a little girl who prays for something she desires a lot.
Lord Melbourne was perplexed and Victoria saw it on his face.
"Of course, if you prefer to spend Christmas Eve with your sister I will understand," Victoria said without being able to hide her sadness.
"No, ma'am ... I'd love to spend Christmas Eve with you. And of course I accept your kind invitation with pleasure ... but I must warn you that there will be more gossip about how close we are," answered Lord M.
"That does not worry me! I will not give up the opportunity to have the first happy Christmas in my life because of the rumors and malicious gossip ... So you accept? " Victoria asked anxiously.
"It's a pleasure to accept, Your Majesty," Lord Melbourne replied with the most charming smile.
"Magnificent! Then I will arrange everything, I will tell Lehzen that for that day prepares the most comfortable guest room for you," said Victoria with contagious happiness.
More than a century later, a woman asked another woman lying on a divan ...
"Victoria ... are we talking about Christmas which year?" Mary asked.
"It was Christmas of 1837 ...
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