It couldn't be. It was simply not possible. It must be a joke. A prank. A dream. Something that wasn't reality. But it was. There stood Adrien Agreste, freaking Adrien Agreste in an alley after an akuma attack and was talking to his kwami. Chat Noir's kwami.
How exactly Marinette got herself into this situation? Maybe it was destined? Or a bad joke of fate? Or simply her average clumsiness kicking in and making things even more complicated? Because it definitely made things more complicated.
They were partners with Chat more than a year now. She became slowly comfortable around Adrien and got to know him better as well. They spent more time around each other thanks to their best friends' blossoming relationship and after a month they could finally hung out with each other without Marinette freaking out and forming normal, coherent sentences. They played video games, went out for ice cream or to the movies together without much trouble. She was still shy around him. And still somewhat sad.
Sad because as she got to know him it was inevitable to discover he was head over heels for someone else. Someone she didn't know. Someone nobody – according to her knowledge – knew from their little group. Adrien rarely talked about her and never in details for some reason, but that lovestuck expression he made when he thought about her was present almost every day.
It broke Marinette's heart that the boy she loved didn't love her back and probably never would if that lovestuck expression was any indication. It was hard for her to cope with it without showing any signs of sadness or hurt, however she was strong. She was Ladybug. Something like this shouldn't get to her. She was better than this. At least that was what she said to herself over and over again.
So she continued to smile at him and talk to him as much as her shyness allowed her and slowly but surly it became easier. Easier with every day, with every talk, with every hour spent together with their group. She was really proud of herself for once. She came terms with her feelings and slowly buried them within the dept of her heart. She even managed to ask him out to play Ultimate Mecha Strike III, just the two of them, without Nino or Alya, and it went well. So well that within two weeks they had three more occasions.
It was torturing. Having him so close but so far at the same time. Within reach, but untouchable. Whoever was the girl he loved must be really lucky.
She was doing so good. She was almost over him. Almost. And then this should have happened.
It was so clear now and so confusing at the same time. And it led to a terrifying line of thoughts.
If Adrien was Chat Noir, and Chat Noir was in love with Ladybug, and Ladybug was Marinette, then Adrien was in fact in love with her. This was too much for her to take in. Slowly she slid down the wall without making any sound as her partner and his kwami's bickering became a distant noise.
Why? Why was it have to be like this? Did it make them shallow that none of them recognized the other when they spent so much time together both with and without the mask? Did it make their feelings for each other just a blind crush? Maybe. But there was something else too.
They weren't the same in and out of costume. Not her. Not him.
But why?
If she looked close she could see the similarities now. As she thought about their ridiculously obvious similarities in appearance to their superhero personas – same hair and eye color, same built and everything – she found herself wanting to hit her head into the nearest wall. Hard. Love makes you blind but to this extent? But even if she put aside the looks and looked at the little aspects like Adrien's love for bad puns and her courage when standing up to Chloe, there was still something that really bothered her.
Why were their personalities so much different when they wore a mask?
Tikki stated countless times that they were the same person in and out of costume, but was that really true? And if it was, why were they still so different?
Was Adrien or was Chat Noir the real one, or the combination of the two side made one whole? Marinette had to think about this. When was Adrien really himself? When he was polite and somewhat withdrawal, when he kept that perfect model smile on his face? If you would ask Marinette a few months prior she may say yes. But after she got to know him better, she knew now that this definitely wasn't the truth.
No. Adrien was only like that when he was acting. Acting for the public, for his father, for Chloe and for every other people he wasn't really close with. That was his facade that he perfected over the years.
No, the real Adrien only showed when he was around his friends, and even then he was a little cautious. Like he was afraid he would lose them. That thought hit Marinette like thunder. Was he really afraid of losing them? And that was the reason why he didn't show them all of him.
Because he was definitely a lot happier when he was Chat. Was he like a caged animal set free, enjoying his freedom? She wasn't sure, but she was sure in one thing. When Adrien was happy and really relaxed around them, he made horrible puns and showed them how much a dork he was. Still not flirtatious but a lot more like Chat.
So was Chat the real thing?
Marinette didn't think so either.
Yes, she thought now that he was more like himself when he was Chat, but he also exaggerated his dramatic act for the crowd and for her.
Knowing Adrien's sheltered childhood and social awkwardness she shouldn't be surprised by his lame attempts to impress her. The guy got his dating knowledge from animes for crying out loud!
And… he never really showed his sadness. Not as Chat and not as Adrien. Over one whole year spent in both of his lives, she only got a few glimpses his - most of the time - well hidden emotions. His sadness. His loneliness. His broken soul. And his burden, because being the perfect son and working a lot of time for a teenage boy and keeping a ridiculous diet was definitely a burden to him.
Why was that he still didn't opened up to them after a year of knowing each other and being friends?
She looked around the corner of the building to see the duo still bickering over something. She lightly chuckled to herself. She never saw this side of him. Not as Chat and not as Adrien. There were so many things she still didn't know about him. How should she put her extravagant cat of a partner and polite and shy friend together to form one person? She probably will need more time spent with each other, but exactly how much? If he didn't open up to them after one whole year then when will come the point when he become completely relaxed around them. Around her.
Was it her fault?
The thought bugged her. She still wasn't completely relaxed around him excluding a few moment when it seemed they had no walls between them. Like they were closer than any other time, and that was when she was herself. When she sassed, when she was carefree.
She wasn't like Ladybug either. Not completely at least. And definitely not around him. With all the burden that came with being a hero of Paris it was still an incredible experience for her. The freedom the mask gave and the courage and confidence people in need of a savior generated in her was something she could only experience with her suit on. After all Marinette wasn't a hero. No, Ladybug was. But… what if it was just something she kept repeating to herself to justify her cowardice as her civilian self?
If she couldn't be really herself around Adrien, how should she expect that from him?
Until he can't relax and feel at easy around someone and safe enough, he wouldn't open up. He lost so much and expected so few. Feeling safe, that his friends won't abandon him should be hard and challenging for him.
A weak shadow of herself wouldn't be able to do anything for him. But Ladybug would be able. She should be able to do something. But of course, Paris beloved superhero couldn't just swing around to a random civilian and start a conversation.
No. This was Marinette's job. He was her partner, and she had to help him. She had to get the burden off of his shoulders at least a little. To make him feel he was not alone and there was at least one person who will never abandon him and will stay with him no matter what. To give him the emotional safety he deserved.
She was going to do it. She was going to bring together her two sides and be herself for the sake of her beloved partner. She was determined, and a determined Marinette was unstoppable.
But these determied thoughts slowly faded as she got home and sat inside the safety of her room. All his earlier determination faltered and uncertainty crept its way inside her soul.
''Tikki, what should I do about Chat?" A desperate Marinette asked her kwami.
''You should just tell him Marinette. Hiding your identity holds as many benefits as danger to it now, and this situation clearly throws you off."
''But Tikki… I turned down Chat for so long and declined his every request to reveal our identities." The girl sighed turning away. ''I distanced myself from him for so long…"
''Marinette, do you dislike Chat?"
''What?! Of course not! I love Chat!" She said those words before her mind could even register it and she quickly clapped her hands to her face, hiding her embarrassment.
''I know.'' Tikki said curtly with a warm, motherly smile.
''What?" Her chosen looked at her between her fingers, confused.
''I was aware that you are in love with Chat for a long time now, but after you denied it every time I brought it up, I realized that there must be some reason why you didn't want to even think about it."
''I…I couldn't do it. He knows only the Ladybug me and-''
''Marinette." Tikki cut her off. ''I know it's not the reason. I know you know that Chat's love for you is real just as much as me."
The bluenette started to talk, but the kwami stopped her right away. ''And don't even start with the 'Chat would be disappointed in the real me' reasoning."
''But it's true Tikki! I am just plain old Marinette without the mask and even if Chat wouldn't be disappointed in me, he would definitely be overprotective. He wouldn't let me fight or would question my decisions because he would think they are too risky, too dangerous! Even if he is the reckless one!" The girl scoffed, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
Tikki was thinking about what her chosen said, and she had to agree, the girl had a point. Chat was going to be very protective with her just not for the reason she thought. ''Yeah, maybe you are right about this, but still… I know you Marinette. This is still not the whole truth and I want all of it out. Now."
Marinette remained silent.
''Marinette…" Tikki said on an uncharacteristically low voice threateningly.
The girl sighed. ''Okay… I don't know when I started to fall for Chat. Was it before I found out Adrien was in love with someone else or after that? Because if it's the latter, then I would just use Chat as some kind of rebond. He deserves so much better than that… a girl who truly loves him for who he is. Not one who would choose him just because the other party was out of her reach. I am still not over Adrien even now, how could I use Chat like that? He is not some substitute. He is so much better. So much more… My partner, my best friend, my…" Marinette suddenly stopped, eyes wide.
''Love." The kwami finished it for her with a gentle smile. ''Mari, you love him. And not because you thought that Adrien didn't reciprocate your feelings."
''How could I not love him? He is the bravest, kindest, nicest and most loyal person I have ever known. He is endearing, loving, funny and I feel safe whenever I am with him. Of course, he is sometimes annoying, like really annoying, and definitely obnoxious, but damn, those stupid puns and childish charm makes him even more…" Marinette groaned pulling on her hair. ''…more irresistible! Like his lean, muscular body, pretty face and that skin-tight leather suit weren't already working for him!" The girl gesticulated wildly with her arms.
Tikki giggled. ''I think someone has a huge crush on a boy in leather cat-suit, I am surprised you could keep up your calm and collected facade around him until now."
''Believe me, Tikki. It took all my Ladybug-willpower." Marinette looked at her kwami with the eyes of a battle-worn veteran.
''But now, that you know he is also Adrien everything should work out just fine!" Tikki danced in the air excitedly.
''No, Tikki. It won't." The bluenette said on a sad tone.
''What? Why?" Tikki stopped abruptly in midair and flew straight to her chosen's face with a concerned expression. ''Adrien loves you, Marinette!"
''Are you sure, Tikki? This is really love?"
''You still doubt Chat's love?"
''No! You get it all in the wrong way. I know that Chat deeply cares for me."
''Then what's the problem?"
''Now that I know Chat is Adrien and Adrien is Chat the picture has…more layers."
''What do you mean?"
''Adrien have never been really allowed to be himself, he always had to behave in a certain way. I always kinda knew this, but putting two and two together…" She trailed off and was silent for a moment, then sighed deeply and tried again. ''When he is Chat Noir, he is free to do as he wants and he uses this opportunity a little too much, but he seems so happy. So much happier than when he is Adrien. Whenever he is Chat, he is more himself and knowing this puts Adrien's behavior in a completely different light. He doesn't act like a shy schoolboy because he doesn't know any better or because he is really this shy, and only a little because his image his father forces on him. No, he acts this way, because he is afraid. He is afraid that people – even his friends – wouldn't love the real him. He is scared we will abandon him if he shows too much of his real personality to us."
''But how do this affect his love towards you?"
''Me, as Ladybug, was the first person who accepted him for who he is - his extravagant side with horrible puns and all - and the only one who is equal with him."
''Equal like…?" Tikki asked confused.
''I am not a fangirl who sees the famous hero in him. I don't look at him with goo-goo eyes just because he wears a skin-tight leather cat-suit."
''But you aren't complaining about it either." The kwami smirked.
''No, I am not." Mari blushed. ''But what I want to say is… Doesn't Chat love me because I was the first person who accepted him for himself?"
''Marinette…" Tikki narrowed her eyes dangerously. ''Tell me you don't want to test Adrien's affection towards you just to see how strong his feelings are!"
''No! I would never!" Marinette shot up as she gasped at her kwami, horror evident on her face. ''I would never hurt Chat like that!"
''Then?" The little god looked at the girl, then arched an eyebrow. ''Sorry Mari, but I can't follow you."
''Tikki, the only thing he wants is love, and maybe he just launched himself at the first opportunity. I would gladly take it. I really want to… but would it be fair to him? To use his love-deprived state to tie him to me in a relationship when he clearly deserves better? If he wouldn't jump to any opportunity when he can be loved he would have the chance to truly look around and choose the best for him. Not the stupid me who wasn't even able to see the real him until now…'' She looked down in shame.
''Oh Marinette, you are too hard on yourself!" The little creature hugged her chosen's cheek and she stroked Tikki's head in return with her fingers. The kwami didn't agree with Mari, but she knew this was a decision the girl should make herself. ''What will you do now?"
''I honestly don't know." Marinette looked at the distance through the window, like if she looked hard enough, she would see somehow the answer.
''Will you tell him?"
''No. Not until I get him to be himself as Adrien at least."
Tikki let out a yawn. ''Maybe a good night sleep will help you figure things out."
''Maybe…" Mari yawned too, and they were fast asleep on her bed a minute later.
Sadly the next day didn't bring any light to her situation and she kept a really close eye on Adrien. Like staring at the back of his head all day would give her any enlightenment. But it was good for something at least; she saw things she didn't see until now. The smile that didn't reach his eyes when he visibly wanted to crack a joke but he held himself back to avoid crossing a certain line. The nervous laugh when he lied. The oh-so-chat-like habit of scratching the back of his neck whenever he was nervous.
As she looked at him he became more and more irresistible. And with that her frustration also skyrocketed. How the hell was she supposed to keep her hands off of this annoyingly adorkable cat-boy?!
She was more lost than ever and felt herself out of control.
At least she decided to be more like her ladybug self and finally woman up for his sake. She wished for this to work out with all her heart. If she knew how out of control things could really get...
