A/N: Some parts of this story is from the very first fan fic I ever wrote on Raven and Slade, I had taken it down years ago for lack of coming up with the sequel and the incredible amount of errors. Hopefully this does it some justice. Enjoy!
It was hard to remember exactly how it happened. It was hard to remember if he had actually agreed to it, it was hard to remember if there was any pain or pleasure, but it was hardest to remember ever truly hating her.
But that was the trick, wasn't it? That was the big joke.
He had once hated her and done horrible things to her in her dreams and now he could barely stand the thought of ever once causing her any pain.
He hated not being able to hate her.
It was unbearable feeling this intensely about her safety. Every time there was chaos and crime going on in the city he checked his hidden cameras to make sure she wasn't hurt or worse… killed.
The main emotion she had ballooned was empathy. Knowing her history and trials made him feel sorry for her in a truly sympathetic way. He wanted to make it all correct. Make it so she never had to go through any of it.
Not every day was so worrisome. Some days he could muster up a small amount of anger and resentment for her. Some nights the dreams would turn into a nightmare, similar to what they use to be. However all negative emotion and thought was becoming more and more rare.
The dreams that were sexual and tender felt good and wrong to him in different way. He cared for her in a way that could be described as a fatherly way most nights, very rarely he actually viewed her as a woman and felt ok about it.
Before the dreams would always benefit him, he was the one who had the most power. He was the one who always came out on top.
Now the dreams had him at his knees. He would see her crying or shaking in terror, she would call out to him for comfort and he would always placate her.
He would always be gentle with her in their physical acts, he would always make sure she was ok first with anything that happened. He was glad the dreams provided an outlet for his feelings rather than going after her and actually doing it all. He was still a villain, he still had a reputation.
No matter how strong or intensely his feelings grew for her, he still cared more about his life of crime. That he would never give up for her, it was ingrained in him. It was his identity, as was hers in being a Titan.
They never had to worry about running off together and finding peace. They would both always be hungry and wanting. They would both be lonely and unfulfilled.
It ached and drove him crazy, but it was a good alternative. To want what he could never have.
Before all this Slade had never taken special interest in the dark Titan, she was powerful no doubt, but unstable and constantly fighting for control. She didn't seem much more than a burden on the Titans. He found out enough from Terra what her weaknesses were and it was all the information he cared to know about her. She was just there like the others, nothing special or worth troubling himself over.
Little had he known the truth behind it all, the Titans were protecting a demon, a doorway to countless evils. He was allowed permission to bring forth the evil inside of her and it not only fascinated him… it confused him.
Normally knowing everything about a target never bothered him. If anything it gave him an advantage because he could expose their weaknesses and take control. But dealing with half demons that lived a life of pacifism in another dimension was new to him. It wasn't just that she was capable of evil-everyone was capable of that- it was that she was meant for evil.
Somehow she broke the rules and dared to be something more than her birthright. In a way Slade respected her strength but was unsettled by it because as he had said before, it would be easier to give in. She had a will he couldn't break because she was still acting all goody two shoes-as far as demons go- and still had control of her darkness because she had allowed him mercy. Even most heroes didn't do that.
Perhaps in the end it would've been better if he had stayed dead. He would've gone and left the earth with a vague and meaningless memory of her, it would've been so simple.
Reminiscing had made him remember the very last dream he had with Raven before she had manipulated his brain. It had been so real, almost like they hadn't been dreaming, like they both had complete control over what they were doing and for once had been completely honest with each other.
She was alone in a theater, one of those old grand Hollywood types of theaters.
A movie was playing, her movie, the movie of the Titans and how they became what they were now.
Raven shook her head in amusement and fondness as she watched the memory play out before her. No one would've guessed that it had actually been Beast boy's idea to be a team, to all move in together and fight evil together. He had served on a team before and knew the benefits to being on one, he had intentionally wanted to go solo and see if that worked out for him, but something about that first night with them all acting as a team… just worked.
At first Raven had been unsure to the point of saying no because the experience of having friends was still foreign to her and she was scared of screwing it up and unintentionally hurting them. But at the same time the feelings she was fed from them was too addicting to say no, she wanted to risk the chance, a chance for companionship.
Robin of course had been the hardest to convince sine he had been determined on going solo after his breakaway from being a sidekick. He agreed that they all worked well together, but he didn't see it being a permanent thing.
Beast boy however had thought about this and asked him on his thoughts of being a leader. They had all agreed he was the most qualified and Robin seemed to entertain the thought enough to give it a try. It only took a few nights of crime fighting and he never questioned the concept of being on a team again.
Cyborg like Raven had also been hesitant but gave in sooner than her, feeling comfortable among the misfits where he served a purpose with his robotic parts. The more and more he was around them the more they really got to know him and his great sense of humor, loyalty and intelligence.
Starfire naturally agreed right away, she befriended the earthlings after they helped saving her, she knew without a doubt in her heart that she wanted to be on their team. She would love them unconditionally and fight beside them without hesitation.
Raven smiled contently. She would never tell Beast boy how much of a genius he was for coming up with the idea. It had probably been the best one ever conceived by any of them because it made them who they were.
The Teen Titans.
He probably had no idea how much she was thankful for it every day and how thankful she was that he called her and convinced them all to stay together, she had made more than just friends after that, she had made family, and right now she missed them.
"Going over some old memories?"
She knew sooner or later he was going to be back so she dealt with the feeling of invasion as she refused to look at him. "Yes actually, it's a rather personal thing, not that you care," she replied listlessly.
He was the part of her life that didn't belong, he threatened her family, he had once vowed to destroy them, so why did she feel the need to hang onto him in her life?
Slade could note the underlying enjoyment in her voice that he was back. 'Poor girl.' He thought flattered. "Oh but Raven I know all about you anyway so I don't think it matters if I watch some home videos with you."
He made a move to sit next to her but she melted the screen with her powers and got up to leave already expecting him to follow.
In truth she rather liked the idea of company watching her memories with her; it was like letting go a piece of yourself, like telling a confession, a feeling of release. But she didn't want to give away anymore to Slade even though he already had all of her.
They were in nothing but black void and suddenly Raven felt tired and drained. She stopped walking and plopped down on the ground allowing herself to sulk. Slade stood looming over her not saying a word.
He chuckled as he looked down at the young woman sitting cross legged on nothingness. She seemed like a little girl again. He patted her head deciding he might as well treat her like one if that's how she wanted to act.
She slapped his hand away hitting her head more than his actual hand. "Don't touch me." The demand wasn't angry or hostel, she just seemed to say the words robotically.
Slade didn't know why this bothered him so much. He had to admit he preferred when she put up a fight, it made their time together much more thrilling.
Men were simple creatures, but women were unbelievably complicated. He understood Raven was drained by the situation but he had experienced first-hand how much of a fight she could put up when it came to the worst of situations. Maybe the real goal was she was trying to piss him off and confuse him, he wouldn't be surprised.
He decided to play the game back and started walking away. This seemed to immediately catch her attention. "Where are you going?" she asked trying to sound uninterested but failed miserably.
Slade glanced over his shoulder. "Well I can see this is going to a one person conversation so what's the point in staying with you."
Raven didn't know why that hurt her so much. She should be glad that he wanted to leave her alone. Raven had always liked being alone but up until now she had never felt lonely. It was just sad to know she had grown soft and yearned for the presence of anyone including Slade.
Raven began rocking back and forth trying to keep her temper even and not go and do something stupid, unfortunately she couldn't stand the thought of sitting here for hours in self loathing anymore. She needed to do something, she needed to feel and she needed to feel only one thing. Hate, and only hate towards him.
Raven shook her head and placed her head between the knees of her legs, she was tired of this.
She wasn't sure how long it had been raining on her, but she was soaked by the time her body could process it. She was still in a black void, the only light she could see was the occasional ripple of lightning followed by the sound of thunder.
Oh if only the Titans could see her now. Yearning for their most hated enemy and turning into a puddle because of his rejections.
Raindrops gathered on the strands of her hair and slid down and round her face. She let a few tears roll with the tiny droplets. She had hoped to start a life for herself and live without worrying about her father, live in peace with her family, and free of Slade. Now at 21 she was still running away from her demons.
She hiccupped and began to cry harder.
"Get up Raven." She didn't move, she simply ignored the voice and kept her head buried. "You're being pathetic."
She didn't care she didn't need to prove anything to him. She sighed out a shaky breath and closed herself off again; it was getting cold.
"Oh stop." Raven felt soft silken sheets under her and the smell of lavender. She looked up and recognized the settings of her room. Slade was standing up against a wall with his hands across his chest. "I know you're stronger than this, so don't act like a child."
Raven glared at him before flipping over with her back facing him. She barely got comfortable when she felt the bed dip behind her. She knew he was in the bed next to her but she refused to acknowledge him.
Raven wasn't sure why but for some reason she actually felt comfortable with him like this. She knew at any moment he could turn on her like he did before, but she was completely at ease. She didn't like knowing she could be comfortable around him without the lust or violence.
She looked over her shoulder and gazed at him curiously.
He had his arms resting behind his head, he was staring at the wall. When he realized she was staring at him he looked down at her with a cool collected smirk.
"Stop," she demanded.
Slade raised an eyebrow condescendingly. "Stop what Raven? I haven't done anything, yet." He shifted his head forward again and closed his eyes soundly. "Besides once I do start doing something again it will be on different terms and I doubt you'll be telling me to stop then."
Raven almost yelled at him for making such a vulgar comment when she realized what he had just promised. "So….you're not going to ...hurt me anymore?"
Slade smiled. "No, at least not tonight," he replied truly not feeling in the mood. It was almost as though they were coming towards the end of something. Maybe the violence was getting old or maybe he had no choice in the matter anyway, he wasn't sure.
"Perhaps I should give you a break, I have been pretty hard on you lately," he admitted feeling as though he was giving her permission for something, but for what? Why did he feel he knew something he couldn't recall?
Why did this seem familiar to her, why was she taking his word as a promise, as a form of consent towards something? Why was this night not its familiar way of fighting, sex, and tension?
"Why are you doing this to me?" she asked frustrated. "Why are you fucking with me?"
He glared at her annoyed. "Well if I can't fuck you the old fashion way I might as well do it other ways."
That had been his consent for her to consciously enter his mind and twist his emotions. She had shown up at his house without saying a word. He had been unconscious the entire time, had no memory of it, and when he awoke she was gone.
They were both in a new stage of their bond and it was making him more uncomfortable than before. He couldn't even imagine what she was going through, having to be around her friends and hide such an enormous secret. Perhaps she was use to it, perhaps it wasn't as bad as he imagined.
He had an urge to see her, mere curiosity to see how she was fairing with her own emotions towards him now that they were completely turned around.
It had after all been a while since he had visited Titans tower.
Raven lay on her bed with her knees to her chest. She didn't know what was happening to her and was desperately trying to make sense out of what had just happened.
She had entered another man's mind and pulled at his empathy, care, love and sympathy. Not only did it seem wrong but it felt more wrong when she found herself enjoying it. All this to prevent her from turning into the evil's she fought and she had just done the worse thing she was capable of.
She wasn't God, she wasn't Mother Nature. She had no right to force people's emotions into something she wanted, she had no right entering another's mind and changing it around.
She had already ruined herself and there was no taking it back.
The dreams now made her feel vulnerable to him a new way. She liked the way he cared for her. He was surprisingly kind and nurturing in a way that she hadn't foreseen.
She wasn't sure exactly how his new emotions were affecting him. Some nights he treated her as though she were his daughter, other nights she was his lover, some nights she was just his friend and they would do things like play chess or talk politics.
It was almost unfortunate Slade wasn't a naturally good person. She could only do so much, but at his core he was a criminal and a villain and selfish as ever. He wasn't going to suddenly change his ways, become one of the good guys and devote his life to her happiness just because she forced her way into his mind.
It wasn't going to be one of those stories where everyone got what they wanted and everything was settled and peaceful. They would always be at odds with each other, they would always be enemies, and as much as she wanted him she would always be a Titan. The love she felt for her family would always outweigh the love she felt for him. It was the motive for all of her sacrifices, to forever be with Titans.
Raven shook her head. She didn't want to think about this anymore. She just wanted…she wanted….she wanted Slade back.
The old Slade.
She had made herself love sick while stopping all her hate for him. "What have I gotten myself into?"
He knew she'd be waiting, he didn't know why or how, but sure enough she was on the roof of the tower alone and looking out at the waters as the sun was going down. The need to reach out to her was powerful but he didn't dare. He knew one day they would have to act on their desires.
He didn't know what exactly that entailed but for now they both had enough control to not do that. Whatever happened from this point out would always be a secret and would always be brief. At least now they could walk away from each other whenever they had to, not like before where they both would've likely killed each other driven by madness.
"You're leaving me," she said aloud as he approached her on the roof.
He stood next to her and replied, "Yes."
They stood in silence for a while before she asked, "How long?"
He shrugged his shoulders as the sun continued setting lower and lower. "Long enough to do some business and gain new ground, you kids aren't my biggest concern anymore; the Justice League seems more promising."
She raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Done trying to recruit one of us as your apprentice?"
He rolled his eyes remembering once being so confident in that idea. "That's long gone now. Young minds are getting harder and harder to control now a days, you're all so messed up and overly rebellious to be guided by anyone."
Raven let out a short laugh and nodded thoughtfully. "Guess you never had a chance."
He glanced at her then back at the view. "No, guess I didn't."
They were quiet again, Raven sensed him getting ready to leave. Her heart started racing with panic, anything she wanted to get out she had to do now. She quickly blurted out, "I'm sorry."
He didn't have ask what she was referring to, he merely turned to her as her face went tight with regret and aching, again he wanted to reach out to her but he didn't and answered back with his own apology. "I am too, for everything." He started walking away until she called out to him again.
"How bad is it for you?"
He contemplated the answer before saying, "Obviously not as bad as it is for you."
She scoffed before looking down and letting a few tears fall. "Yeah," she whispered. She had remembered saying to him how she wished he would burn in the lowest pit of hell and here she was hurting more than him. She had cursed herself and had to deal with it as best she could as he left her alone to wallow.
Raven continued to cry as Slade finally approached her and placed his hands on her shoulders. She was surprised he was touching her so willingly when he had been fighting so hard not to. "Just remember that I will always be back, I will always be bonded to you. No matter how hard it gets or feels, I am still always yours and yours alone."
It was true weather she had still hated him or not, they did belong to each other. Perhaps they had always been meant for each other. Two damaged people thrown together by tragic coincidence.
He finally left her there alone and just like that they were back into their old lives with the thought of each other's well-being always looming over their heads.
As Raven headed back into the tower she saw all of her friends in the living room doing their usual routine. Beastboy and Cyborg engrossed in their video games, Starfire in the kitchen concocting another disgusting meal, and Robin going over schematics of the tower.
Seeing them like this made her feel at home, even if he was missing, even if she did miss him. Raven glided over to the window and watched as the stars started coming out.
She exhaled loudly and rubbed her eyes tiredly.
Beastboy looked up at her curiously from the couch and called out," Hey Raven, you feeling ok?"
Her other friends looked up concerned and waited for an answer. Raven inhaled deeply and muttered out, "Blurry."
They all looked at each other confused as she went towards her room and fell into her bed awaiting another dream, awaiting another night of him and their disaster of a world, awaiting another day of blurry reality and fantasy, another blurry day of what she really felt and what she created.
"It's all a dream, just a dream," Raven whispered as she closed her eyes.
A/N: The blurry reference is from the song "Blurry" by Puddle of Mudd. I was listening to it as I finished this chapter and it seemed to fit the mood. I don't know if this is the end of the story or not so for now it remains unfinished. Review and be kind!
