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Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

Chapter 2: A Baby Elephant?

The sun had yet to drag its lazy butt over the horizon, when Sasuke grudgingly left the comforting obscurity of sleep to prepare for his first day with Gai.

Oh. Joy.

The glee was just spewing from the Uchiha's slouched form, as he trudged his way over to Team Gai's training grounds.

Bloody birds aren't even up yet. Too freakin' early.

Indeed, the feathered fauna of Konoha had yet to arise from their homey nests, so early was it. The darkness coating the landscape of the slumbering village was nearly palpable in its thickness; a sure sign of dawn's impending appearance.

Upon arriving at his destination, Sasuke's "ticked" mood was given the designation of "off", when he realized that his probation officer was nowhere to be seen. Gai had specified when he expected Sasuke to be at the training grounds, having sent his trusty pupil, Lee, to inform the Uchiha at his home. Sasuke had nearly choked at the time, when Lee told him.

Four-seventeen a.m.

First off, who gets up to train at that hour? There's almost no point in going to sleep if you're just going to get up at quarter to four, like Sasuke had to, to get ready for such an appointment. And secondly, who arranges meeting times at uneven time intervals? Four-seventeen? Why not just say four-fifteen? Or four-twenty? Or better yet, seven o'clock? That was a reasonable time. That he could understand. Not four-seventeen.

So here he was. Four-flipping-seventeen in the accursed morning and not a green-clad monster---ah, jounin, rather, in sight. Just peachy.

Stifling a jaw-cracking yawn, the teen Uchiha wandered over to a nearby tree and leaned against its trunk, intent on closing his tired eyes for some faux rest.

Just as he had settled comfortably against the smooth bark, arms crossed over his chest, and head tilted down in a lax manner, the sun rapidly rose in a blinding display of colour, silhouetting a posing figure, his arms akimbo and legs set in a wide stance. A rainbow arched over the outlined figure as a waterfall sprouted out of nowhere to feed a bubbling spring that had formed from the ground. Squirrels, bunny rabbits, turtles, deer, chipmunks, racoons, heck, even a baby elephant, gathered around the spontaneously appearing spring, as they frolicked about the newcomer. A triumphant trill, like morning taps in an army barracks, rang throughout the training grounds, as the quickly rising sun---far too fast to be natural---cast its rays in such a way that the identity of the newcomer could be discerned. There, in all his Youthful glory, was the Beautiful Green Beast of Konoha, Maito Gai.

Sasuke was trying to fight his eyelids' efforts to protect his precious eyesight by staying closed, so he could take in the…unique display before him. It boggled the mind, really. Even Sasuke's smarty-pants brain wasn't able to fully process just what his poor, assaulted eyes were telling it they were seeing.

He vaguely wondered what a baby elephant was doing among the various forest animals present at the newly-formed spring. It also faintly registered that the entire circumstance was cause for serious, X-file class questioning, not just the baby elephant part of it, but his inner musings were soon obliterated, as the spandex-loving man began to raise his arm, initiating the "Good Guy" pose sequence.

It seemed that at that moment, Sasuke's eyelids decided to give up trying to protect his sight from the painfully radiant scene, and instead of closing, shot wide open, allowing the whole vista to be permanently ingrained within his already-scarred consciousness, including the much-hated "Good Guy" pose, complete with the equally loathsome flashy "Ping!".

A mild seizure of the eyelids began, as Sasuke forcibly shut his eyes, while they seemed to want to stay open. Eventually, the eyelids won out, as they snapped back open, though not wide like before, affording him a view of Maito Gai still "Good Guy" posing.

Or at least he thought Gai still had his arm raised. Sasuke was having some trouble seeing the "special" jounin, as the spontaneous sunrise and nature scene seemed to have disappeared, leaving it just as pitch dark as it had been the moment before the vibrant display had occurred.

Is there anything odder than Gai? he absently wondered to himself.

"Ohayo, my Youth-deficient student! Are you ready to have your Coals of Youth stoked, so as to ignite the Flame of Youth within your soul, so that you may live life to the fullest in the bosom of the Springtime of Youth?!" Gai boomed, his voice startling the previously slumbering birds from their roosts.

No, that clinches it. There really isn't anything odder than Gai.

Sasuke didn't respond to Gai's greeting right away. Really, what does one say to that? Well, if you were Lee, you would respond, "Yosh! Gai-sensei!" and run up to the man for a hug, but Sasuke was not Lee and he was not about to start acting like him any time soon. No siree.

So, Sasuke opted for his tried and true method of greeting people he really didn't want to talk to---which was everyone, really: he "hn"ed his way through it.

"Now Sasuke, that's not much of a greeting," Gai chastised gently. "The Power of Youth awaits you! But it does not visit upon those with heavy countenances. One must be light of spirit and free of mind to acquire the full bounty of Youth! Now let's hear it again, shall we?! Ohayo Sasuke!" Gai looked at said person expectantly, a too-wide smile splitting his face.

"Hn."

Gai shook his shiny head and said, "No, no, Sasuke! You have to respond with earnest and vigour! Show the world that Youth has a place in your heart and that you're truly bursting with the Springtime of Youth! Now come on! Ohayo Sasuke!"

"Hn," Sasuke replied, with the slightest of annoyed nods.

"That's the spirit!" Gai shouted and clapped Sasuke on the shoulder, taking the slight, annoyed nod as a sign of effort on the Uchiha's part to be more energetic. "You just have to keep at it and eventually the full Power of Youth will be alive and burning within you! Ohhh, I expect to see cute, Lee-like salutes and shouts of "Yosh! Gai-sensei!" coming from you in a matter of weeks." (Insert "Ping!" here.)

Sasuke cringed, his face crumpling in sheer disgust at the thought of doing anything that emulated Lee,of all people. Fuzzy-eyebrows was the last person he wanted to be identified with. The mere thought of it made him shudder. Internally, of course. Can't have a show of such blatant weakness in front of Gai. No sir. The man might take it as a sign that he needed to comfort his new charge. And a comforting Gai, was a journey into the realm of weird that Sasuke would prefer to skip.

"Well now," Gai began. "I trust you're all rested up. Believe me; today's Youth-building exercises are going to take a lot out of you."

Sasuke nodded absently, while muttering inside the exact opposite of what he just indicated. How much rest can one get when they have to get up at quarter to four in the morning? Gai must go to sleep at seven p.m. or something, if this was his regular routine.

"Well, Sasuke! Your journey into the Springtime of Youth begins NOW!" Gai boomed, pulling an obscure mass out of nowhere, and presenting it to the addressed teen.

Sasuke stared hard at the ambiguous item for a few moments. It appeared to be made of some sort of flimsy fabric, but that was really all he could discern in the sparse light.

He looked back up at the beaming jounin before him, face as blank as a clean slate, and indifference radiating like water from a sprinkler.

Gai took this moment to launch into a well-practiced introduction of his most-loved piece of ninja attire. "THIS is the finest piece of shinobi gear known to man! With it, you will experience a surge of Youth Power unlike any rush you have felt before! Upon first donning this fine talisman of Youth, the Flames of Youth will overtake your soul, sending it spiralling into a sea of undiluted Youthful vivacity! It is the only outfit you will ever need from here on out! It will facilitate growth of your Powers of Youth and ensure you a lasting place within the utopian world of the Springtime of Youth! YOSH! IT IS, INDEED, THE GREAT, MAGNIFICENT, UNRIVALLED, AND BEAUTIFUL GREEN SPANDEX JUMPSUIT!!!" Fireworks suddenly went off behind the posing sensei, lighting up the image of the Beautiful Green Beast holding the ambiguous article aloft, as though it were the Holy Grail.

Sasuke blinked rapidly, willing the stabbing pain to leave his precious eyes, as the glaring flashes continued to assail his vision. Honestly, didn't Gai know just how important his eyesight was to him? He was an Uchiha, for crying out loud! The Sharingan man, the Sharingan! Gai should know not to put on displays that entail bright, flashy lights when Sasuke's eyes were adjusted to the dark; Sasuke's potential value for being a reinstated Konoha ninja depended on it.

Once the blinding bursts of brightness began to fade, the Uchiha managed to pry his abused eyes open wide enough to peek at the accursed object that was the cause for the great ado Gai had just run his mouth off over. There, still lifted high in Maito Gai's hands, was a green blob and two smaller orange blobs, flapping in the breeze.

And then it all clicked. The ambiguous item was one of those disgusting jumpsuits that Gai and Lee always wore. Which could only mean…

"There is no freakin' way I'm wearing that piece of crap," Sasuke muttered darkly, eyeing the green and orange ensemble with wariness and detest.

"Now, now, Sasuke," Gai placated, a finger wagging in the teen's face. "Such language is uncalled for. Your Youth powers suffer from such behaviour. No wonder you are such a Gloomy Gus."

This was hell. He'd rather have Sakura force-feed him apple wedges like she tried to when they were genin, than do this. Hmmm… Sakura feeding him apple wedges… That didn't seem so bad, now that he thought about it.

Hold on just a minute! What the heck was that?! Did his hormones just kick in?! Yes! Finally! Five years after puberty, his hormones have finally made an appearance!

It still baffled him how he managed to mature physically without the supposedly necessary change in hormone levels. It had to be a result of one of Orochimaru's crazy-faced experiments. Probably designed so he wouldn't start noticing the opposite sex, which would have crushed the Snake Sannin's ridiculous hope of Sasuke returning his (ahem) "affections". (There had been so many things about Orochimaru's interest in him that Sasuke had had to forcibly repress and ignore just to get through a day in Oto, that he was certain he was missing about two and a half of the three years he had spent in Sound. And every now and then, a carefully repressed memory would bubble to the surface---at the most inconvenient times too---forcing him to find solitude immediately, lest someone see him either, A) tremble in revulsion, B) sit with his mouth hanging open in shock and horror, C) sit on the floor in the corner, drawing his knees to his chest, and rocking back and forth, murmuring, "Mississauga rattlesnakes eat brown bread…", or D) collapse on the ground, sobbing his heart out over his traumatic experience in Oto, screaming at anyone who tries to comfort him not to touch him because he's "unclean", after which he would beg for his mother, to which the bystander would have to say his mother was dead and had been since he was eight, at which he would begin wailing anew over the loss of his dearly departed mother. Yes. It was best for everyone that he work through any repressed memories---that suddenly became unrepressed---alone.)

"No. I will not wear that thing," Sasuke spat. There was just no way he would ever, ever get into that jumpsuit. It looked like it might actually eat him if he got too close.

"Oh, ho ho! I see!" Gai boomed. A reassuring smile lit up his face, causing Sasuke to shrivel up inside. Despite its intention, that smile always preceded something disconcerting.

"Lee!" Gai called out.

Out of nowhere, said teen sprang forth; round eyes staring up at his sensei in askance; an unhealthy need to serve his sensei in any way possible exuding from his being in sugary, gag-inducing waves.

"Yes, Gai-sensei?" Lee asked. After a millisecond of just rude ignorance, Lee turned to Sasuke and cried, "Oh! Forgive me for my lack of manners! Greetings, Sasuke-kun!"

The addressed nin merely grunted in return, entertaining his mind with images of that Green Spandex Jumpsuit before him, being consumed by his Katon: Goukakyuu no Jutsu. Ahhh… All the tension and irritation just melts away.

"Lee," Gai said, calling his protégé's attention back to him.

"Yes, Gai-sensei?"

"Bring us the Guide."

"The Guide, Gai-sensei?" Lee asked, eyebrows forming a peak as concern began to amass in the special nin. "Is there a GSJ-related crisis you are experiencing that I should know about?"

"No, no, Lee," Gai chuckled. "I need it for Sasuke." He leaned in close to Lee, and said in a whisper that could have been heard by a deaf person five kilometres away, "He is having some issues with the GSJ that I think will be resolved if he reads the Guide."

"What sort of issues, exactly, Gai-sensei? Is it serious?" Lee questioned, his worry growing with each passing moment.

"I am fairly certain that his aversion to putting on the GSJ is due to the fact that he is intimidated by the donning process, but he is just too proud to admit it. You know how much pride he has, as an Uchiha," Gai answered, earning an understanding nod from his student.

A few feet away, the mentioned Uchiha just rolled his eyes at the two shinobi's conversation. Yes. He was afraid of the jumpsuit because he didn't know how to put it on. That must be why he was saying he didn't want to wear it; he was covering for his insecurities.

Morons.

"I see, Gai-sensei. The Guide will solve this predicament. Yosh!" Lee agreed, and then reached into his Green Spandex Jumpsuit and pulled out a small green booklet with neon orange lettering. He turned to Sasuke and handed it to him.

"What the heck is that for?" he spat. "I already told you I'm not wearing that thing, I don't need a guide to help me with it. I'm not going to put it on."

The other two shinobi shared knowing looks, then turned back to their charge.

"It's okay Sasuke," Gai said in a fatherly tone that forced an eye-roll from the Uchiha. "We're not judging. The process of donning the GSJ can be very daunting for a newbie. Not everyone is as naturally gifted in this talent as my Lee here is." Gai smiled at his favourite student and chuckled. "Why, I'd say that no one could beat his record. It only took Lee three tries to get into his Green Spandex Jumpsuit. I myself took two, but in all fairness I was a lot older and wiser when I first attempted to don the suit, unlike young Lee."

"Gai-sensei!" shouted Lee.

"Lee!" Gai returned.

They made to hug; their sunset was already erupting behind them, ready to burst to full glory once the two embraced; their tears were already pooling in their eyes, prepped to spew forth. However a certain ex-missing-nin interrupted their Youthful display.

"How could it possibly take you three, or even two attempts to put on a stupid piece of clothing?" Sasuke muttered, eyes nearly rolling out of their sockets from his disbelief.

Suddenly, the early-morning sunset shattered to nothingness, the tears evaporated like water on hot coals, and the two green-clad ninjas straightened from their abandoned hug. Sasuke was such a moment-ruiner; he definitely didn't know how to read the atmosphere of a situation.

After a moment's pause, wherein Lee stared off into the slowly brightening distance with a kicked-puppy look on his face and Gai's flawless form faltered for a millisecond of sadness over his lost hug, both Beautiful Green Beasts turned their thickly-browed eyes back to the Youth-retarded youth before them.

A conniving gleam burst to life in Gai's eyes; a gleam Sasuke did not care for.

As nonchalantly as he could muster himself to be---which wasn't all that much, considering he was Gai---the jounin cast a sideward look at the former missing-nin and said, "Why don't you try and see for yourself, Sasuke? I'll wager a bet that you won't be able to get into the GSJ on your first or even second try. There's no way you can beat my Lee!"

Said ninja turned watery eyes on his idol, a new hug for the man itching to be formed with his arms. Gai-sensei believed he could best the Uchiha! Yosh! He would not let his teacher down! There was no way Sasuke would be able to beat his record, or he wasn't Rock Lee, the Second Beautiful Green Beast of Konoha!

"Tch. Save your bets. I'm not doing it."

And just like that, both Youthful shinobi were crushed once again. Really, how did Sasuke do it? A few words and BAM! Their Flames of Youth were suffering from the Downpour of Unyouthful Despair, or the DUDs, as Gai and Lee sometimes called it. It was a dark day when the clouds of the DUDs came rolling into their sunny skies of Youth. A dark day indeed.

After taking a deep, Youth-refreshing breath, Gai responded, "Very well, Sasuke. I will not force you to wear the GSJ. Actually, I expected this rebellious response. You are a lot like my Neji, if I must say." He chuckled at some inner thought, oblivious to the twitch that had popped into Sasuke's left eye at the mention of him being like Neji.

There was no way he was like the Hyuuga. Sure, they both rarely spoke, and when they did it tended to be in short, concise sentences or monosyllabic sounds. And yes, they both came from prestigious clans and most people saw them as geniuses---though Sasuke knew he wasn't really the prodigy of his clan, but he wasn't about to correct people to tell them that his clan-killing dead brother had been the genius in his family, since, as was previously mentioned, he didn't speak a lot. But other than that, they had nothing in common, so drawing comparisons between the two was really useless: they were nothing alike.

And just to prove it, and show his indignation at Gai for having the audacity to compare him, an Uchiha, with Neji, a Hyuuga, Sasuke replied with a very disgruntled, "Hn."

"That's what I mean! Just like my Neji!" Gai shouted, delivering a hearty slap to Sasuke's back for good measure.

Then, completely oblivious to the murderous scowl that just planted itself on the Uchiha's face, Gai walked a few feet away, then whirled around and struck a "Manly Man" pose. Sasuke didn't know this pose had a name, of course. He did however, recognize it from earlier, when the jounin had arrived, with his arms akimbo and legs set in a wide stance.

Always with the posing. Can't just stand like a normal, non-brain damaged person. No. Gotta stand like a---like a…well, like Gai

Too caught up in his inner bashing of Gai, Sasuke didn't hear the jounin tell him what they would be doing next, but when the "Manly Man" pose switched to a "Youthful Warm-up" pose, where both Gai and Lee began stretching their legs while creating new self-enforced disciplines for themselves should they fail to stretch properly, Sasuke assumed they would be running shortly.

Straightening, Gai turned to his silent charge and said, "Well, time to get going, Sasuke!"

He turned to leave when, Sasuke stopped him. "Where are we going?"

Gai turned back to the Uchiha, while Lee took the delay to squeeze in a few extra stretches: he wanted to make doubly sure that he would not be shown up by Sasuke.

"Why, we're going to deliver the morning paper to everyone in Konoha, of course!" Gai answered, a flashy smile splitting his lips. "It is one of the many community service and Youth-building activities I set up for you." He grinned again, and then added, "We will be doing this every morning for the next five months! It's going to be wonderful; bringing the people of Konoha the news they need! Yes indeedy! A wonderful experience this shall be!" And with that, Gai and Lee took off, headed for the village and their cache of papers.

Sasuke just slumped his shoulders and let out a very, very long sigh.

Tch. Freaking Hokage.


The sun had finally dragged its lazy butt over the horizon, albeit barely, when the "Nice Guy Newsies", as Lee had dubbed them, finished their paper delivering duties. (Shortly after proclaiming himself, Gai, and Sasuke by that unfortunate title, Lee had received a whole bag-full of rolled up papers to the back of his shiny head, prompting him to immediately stop calling them that. Or it gave him mild amnesia and he didn't remember ever thinking of that name. Either way, he stopped using it, and that was all that mattered to the brooding and completely innocent ex-missing-nin who accompanied him.)

They took a "Youth-refresher" on a bench near a variety of wares-stands and supplies shops. A few stands and a couple of shops were already open, but most were only in the process of opening, or were not even thought of by their operators yet. It was still pretty freaking early, much to Sasuke's chagrin. As soon as his community service for the day was done, he was heading straight home and hopping directly into bed. Ahh; the downy softness of a pillow-top mattress. Heaven, that's what that was.

"Sasuke-kun, can't you just feel the Youth radiating from the awakening earth?"

And this… This truly was Hell. Sasuke was beginning to see the upside to having no qualms about killing a Hokage. Fortunately---though at times it seemed unfortunate, as in this instance as he was really starting to wish it was differently---Orochimaru's penchant for murdering Leaf leaders did not rub-off on Sasuke. So, it would seem his rather frustrating circumstances would be going un-avenged for the time being.

When the Uchiha didn't answer him, Lee scooted closer and stared intently into the silent boy's face.

Sasuke was snapped out of his occupied state of cursing his reinstated morals to a temporary damnation---just until the old hag was properly dealt with---back to the cruel reality that he himself was in his own temporary damnation, as he found himself mere inches from very round, very big, very heavily eyebrowed, very oddly bottom eyelashed eyes. (Insert soul-shaking shudder here.)

Now, if Sasuke were a person who was easily startled, he would have yelped in surprise and terror whilst jumping like a frog hooked to electrical wires, and removing any need his body may have had for use of a restroom in the near future. And if he were someone who was mildly easy to startle, he would have jumped in that half-seizure, someone-put-a-small-ice-cube-down-your-back kind of manner that such people are prone to do when taken by surprise.

However, Sasuke wasn't easily or mildly easy to startle. He was a shinobi, for crying out loud; he had anti-startle skills firmly ingrained into his very soul. (Hyperbole alert on.) Therefore, there were no startled cries, nor spastic jumps and jerks, nor spontaneously wet pants, which were dry moments before. No, he took it like a ninja would; mutely and without reaction until further details presented themselves…all the while thanking sweet goodness for his lethargy from too little sleep, thus denying him the energy for jumping in surprise, and that he didn't have time to have breakfast, so there was nothing to suddenly alter the moisture level of his pants with.

After regaining his composure---er, ah, not that he lost it, that is---Sasuke leaned against the backrest of the bench to afford him more personal space between Lee and himself. It would seem as though he were stuck between a Rock and a hard place. Ahh puns… Sasuke hated them. They were in the same league as Itachi, the Godaime Hokage, and sentences more than five syllables long: tools of the Devil, the lot of them. Though, he had previously established---only yesterday, in fact---that the Godaime was the Devil, so then that would mean… Ahh! Too much analysis. Just say they were all evil and be done with it.

During Sasuke's inner theological debate, Lee had become rather perplexed by the unvocal tendencies of the young Uchiha. And in the next instant, the Prodigy of Hard Work decided to take it upon himself to lighten his peer's heart with a fresh batch of unyielding Youth. And what better way to shine some rays of blessed Youth down into the EMO-istic boy than through creative verse?

Leaping to his feet, the green-clad teen struck the "Manly Man" pose---a pose Sasuke was becoming all-too familiar within a disturbingly short amount of time. Holy rays of excitement and glee seemed to be shooting forth from his eyes as Lee gave a flashy smile, accompanied by a shrill "Ping!" to complete the scene.

A terrible sense of foreboding suddenly overtook the dark nin. Who were these people? That both Gai and Lee could so effortlessly strip him of his security of sureness and order made Sasuke very uncomfortable and rattled him to a layer far deeper than he would ever admit. Dealing with them was like trying to organize your instant ramen stash by flavour, knowing Naruto was in the vicinity: you could bet that not only was your ramen not going to be staying in order, but also that it wasn't going to be intact and uneaten for longer than three minutes. Gai and Lee could damage Sasuke's calm in a manner that he swore only his evil, evil, evil brother had been able to.

Sakes alive! That was it! They were both Itachi incarnate, sent back from the fiery depths of the deepest pit of Hell to torment him for the remainder of his existence! What did he do when he was a child to make whatever Powers That Be hate him this much?

Was it the broken tea set? Because he had apologized profusely to his mother for accidentally smashing the priceless family heirloom with a stray kunai.

Or maybe it was the cat he had accidentally de-tailed, again with a stray kunai. (Okay, so his prowess with kunai wasn't exactly exemplar in his carefree childhood days. Was that a crime?) But he apologized to the owner, his cousin or something like that, and he had been truly sorry. Especially when his father found out. Boy, did the fur fly that evening (pun fully intended).

Other than various other unfortunate kunai-related accidents, Sasuke couldn't think of any other terrible things he had done to deserve such horrible happenings in his life. Perhaps it was simply fate.

Oh great. Now he really did sound like Neji. Just perfect.

"Sasuke-kun---my esteemed rival and comrade!" Lee proclaimed, shattering the early morning quietude and earning some turned heads from the few people who were out and about. (Again, it was just waaay too early.)

Sasuke slouched a couple extra millimetres, resigning himself to whatever horrors were to follow that grating attention-grabber.

Not picking up on the Uchiha's loathing, Lee continued with his perfect plan to raise Sasuke's spirits.

"In honour of your new beginning, as you remerge into the Springtime of Youth, I shall compose a poem to convey the intensity and significance of this momentous occasion!" the Rock declared, a fist shooting into the air.

Sasuke froze---not that he had been moving in the first place, but internally his thoughts and perpetual state of brooding came to a screeching halt. He was going to compose a what?! A poem? No, Sasuke had to have heard wrong. Very, very wrong.

Alas, his fine shinobi hearing was not faulty, as Sasuke so hoped.

Raising an arm to the blue and yellow heavens, whilst lifting one foot to rest on the bench and casting his bingo ball eyes to the ever-brightening sky, Lee began his ill-conceived effort to bring the Spirit of Youth unto the wayward Uchiha.

"I call this poem, 'Ode upon the Joyous Rekindling of His Youthful Fire'," said Lee, raising a fist to his heart, pure emotion beginning to spill off his being in sticky waves.

Had Sasuke been capable of thinking straight, he would have snorted, thrown an insult, and stalked away from the green-freak before him. However, his mind was in a state of horrified awe and thus incapable of doing anything but watch passively, as his already battered psyche was molested yet again.

"O wayward soul,

At rest nearby;

Thine Youthful Flame

Hast withered, died.

A Youthful splendour,

Lost to the sea

Of Unyouthful sadness,

EMO, and misery."

Lee cast a tear-filled gaze at the aghast Uchiha, a fist clutched tightly to his chest. Suddenly, he threw his hands to the heavens, beseeching, as he continued,

"'Woe! Woe!'

Youth screams and cries,

Lamenting the loss

Of its son, with Sharingan eyes.

Thou hast been caught outside

In the Downpour of Unyouthful Despair,

With no umbrella in sight,

The rain hast doused thine Youthful flare."

The unique shinobi spun around to stare intently into Sasuke's widened eyes.

"But fear not!

O wayward soul!

Youth shall return;

It shall make you whole.

Through patience and fortitude,

Hard work and Youth-building grace,

The Springtime of Youth

Shall bestow a smile on your face."

Once again, the ninja-come-bard was gesturing fervently to the morning sky, casting emotion-filled glances at the still-silent nin on the nearby bench, as he went on,

"For once all the gloomy

Clouds are all gone,

You will see the sun shining

And know the Power of Youth has won.

Then your soul will rejoice;

Your Powers of Youth made complete.

And you shall take your place

As the Third Green Beast!"

And after a triumphant spin, Lee firmly planted himself and struck a blinding "Good Guy" pose, complete with a "Ping!"ing smile, while a sunset settled into the street behind him, despite the early hour.

Yes. His job was done. There was no way his esteemed rival could retain an ounce of gloominess after that Youthfully emotional work of heartfelt poetic genius! Not a chance! Yep. Sasuke was going to be leaping to his feet, Youthful tears streaming from flaming eyes, any moment now…

The Uchiha didn't move. Well, technically, he did, but it wasn't voluntary. Approximately eleven tics had developed in Sasuke's face over the course of Lee's recitation, and they were still very much active.

Sasuke wasn't aware of his face's odd behaviour, though. Indeed, the happenings outside of his own mind were completely unnoticed by the ex-avenger. His consciousness had been going into a mild stupor from the moment Lee had mentioned a poem. When he had actually started spewing his inane drabble, Sasuke had frozen to the point of ceasing breathing for the full extent of Lee's performance. At the last line, though, the Uchiha's mind had completely shut itself off from the outside world, allowing his natural respiratory activities to resume, but not allowing his mind to comprehend the fact.

Now, he was huddled in a corner of his psyche that he had hoped to never have to find refuge in again. The last time he had locked himself there had been after a particularly, ah, shall we say, uncomfortable day in Oto. The Snake Sicko had been extra forward with his designs on Sasuke and the teen had had to lock himself in a little hidey-hole he had found on the base in preparation for such an emergency. While safe in his fortress, the Uchiha had shutdown mentally, retreating into himself until the shock and horror had sufficiently subsided.

And here he was again; forced to find comfort and safety in a desolate part of his fractured mentality by a Green Spandex Jumpsuit-wearing, shiny bowl-cut sporting, thick-eyebrowed, poetry spouting shinobi, who couldn't even use chakra. What was the world coming to?

It was ridiculous that this overtly unique nin could disturb Sasuke to his very core so effortlessly. How did he do it? Lee and Gai; if Konoha were to go to war, they ought to just send those two out onto the battlefield and let them damage the psyches of the enemy shinobi until they were all curled up in the fetal position and murmuring incoherent phrases from traumatic experiences of their childhoods. It wouldn't take long and Leaf would definitely win.

As Sasuke tried to regain some control over his mental processes, Lee was watching him with hopeful eyes. However, his positive attitude was slowly faltering, as the stoic Uchiha didn't move a muscle, nor say a word, nor even look at him. There had been some movement on Sasuke's face moments before, but that had faded before Lee could determine what deeper emotions they were hinting at.

Had his magnificent poem really failed to ignite a Spark of Youth within the ex-missing-nin? Well, he would admit that it probably hadn't been his best work. Really, he had created it on the fly, free-styling, as it were. But could it really have fallen so short of the levels of Youthful Power that it didn't even spur the slightest of reactions from his sullen companion? The thought chilled Lee's soul. How could it be possible for him, who was so overflowing with the Power of Youth, to fail Youth so completely? Lee was in a tizzy.

The Beautiful Green Beast was pulled from his inner worries when one of his team-mates approached.

Hyuuga Neji walked up to Lee, his face as impassive as ever, though there was an amused gleam in his white eyes, if one were perceptive enough to notice.

"Ah, Neji-kun. Ohayo," Lee greeted, though not as cheerily as was per his usual.

"Lee," the Hyuuga answered, nodding. He noticed his team-mate's uncharacteristic behaviour, but taking one glance at the occupant of the nearby bench and Neji didn't have to ask why.

He suppressed a malicious grin at the sight of the apparently comatose Uchiha. Most people would wonder and ask questions upon seeing the ex-avenger in such a state. However, Neji had some experience that, fortunately, most people didn't have: he was on a team with Rock Lee. And due to this little fact, Neji knew exactly what was wrong with the dark-eyed ninja before him. He knew, because he himself had been in the same unresponsive stupor on various occasions when he had first been put on a team with Gai and Lee. Those two could do great and terrible things to one's unprepared mind.

Someone really should have warned Uchiha. Yep. Somone… Heh.

His smirk widened slightly.

"What are you up to this fine morning?" Lee asked, attempting to regain some of his lost uppity-ness from his failed attempt to Youthify Sasuke.

Neji nodded slightly in the direction of a shop, as he answered, "I'm waiting for Tenten to buy some new kunai, then we're going to train."

Looking over at one of the shops, Lee could see his female team-mate haggling a shopkeeper over the price of kunai. The store owner seemed adamant about keeping his prices as they were, but Tenten seemed just as determined to get herself a discount.

After casting another glance at the mute ninja on the bench, Neji turned back to Lee. "What were you all doing today?"

A light brightened Lee's countenance, as he recalled the early morning activities that he, his beloved sensei, and his new companion had participated in. "Well, we delivered the morning paper to the citizens of Konoha. Gai-sensei says we will be doing this for the next five months, but, personally, I hope that we will continue to do that noble task even after that time has passed," Lee responded, animatedly.

Neji shook his head slightly. Leave it to Lee to enjoy an activity that was meant as punishment for a missing-nin.

"We are now resting until Gai-sensei returns with our next task. But…" Lee trailed off, disappointment showing in his round eyes.

"But?" Neji prodded. Normally he wouldn't pursue such a matter, but he was fairly certain that his team-mate's depressed mood had to do with the Uchiha's unresponsiveness, and that was something he did want to hear about.

Lee sighed; a very uncharacteristic thing for the spandex-sporting shinobi. "He seemed so down and silent. I thought he just needed a little burst of Youth to raise his spirits and stoke his Flames of Youth," Lee answered, a downcast look darkening his features. "So, I decided to compose a poem…"

Neji fairly choked on the air he was inhaling. A poem? Oh. Sweet. Lord. What he wouldn't give to have seen that. No wonder the Uchiha was in such a deep state of catatonia. Neji almost felt sorry for the guy. Almost. He was just filled with far too much glee at this situation to bring himself to actually pity the traumatized nin.

But he wanted to see a reaction from the Uchiha. So, he turned his attention back to the silent shinobi and said, "Oi, Uchiha. You dead, or are you just getting my hopes up?"

The addressed teen seemed to twitch slightly, though it could have been the wind shifting his unmoving body.

"I…" Lee began, in a whisper. "I think I might have broke him, Neji-kun."

The Hyuuga half-smiled at this. "Oh, I'm fairly certain that happened long before you got to him, Lee."

Unbeknownst to them, the topic of their discussion was finally aware of his surroundings, albeit hazily. He noticed a white-eyed man beside a green-clad one. Something in the back of his mind registered them as Hyuuga and Lee, respectively. Lee, a venomous voice spoke in his head. Recalling the horrendous poem the man had subjected him to forced Sasuke fully back into reality.

Shaking his head slightly, the ex-missing-nin blinked to soothe his dry eyes from not blinking for who knew how long. Once he was fairly composed, he turned his attention to the two shinobi standing before him.

Excitement and relief was pouring from Lee and he began to rant about the Springtime of Youth and how it couldn't be forced upon a person and that he was sorry for trying to do just that. He then began explaining his reasons for composing a poem to lighten the Uchiha's mood, and went on about the wonders of creative verse to stir the depths of a sleeping, Unyouthful soul, which inevitably led to Lee running off a whole slew of poems about his Youthful apology for shocking Sasuke with his overwhelming Youth Powers---which was what Lee understood Sasuke's reaction to be the result of---and even more poems about the greatness of Youth and the young flowers of Konoha, which one assumed were the kunoichi, as he repeatedly mentioned a 'fair cherry blossom of Youthful beauty and Youthfulness' that could only be his precious Sakura-san.

Sasuke just tuned the rambling shinobi out, as he turned his attention to the newcomer.

A condescending aura seemed to be choking the air about the gifted Hyuuga as he eyed Sasuke quietly, while Lee ranted about Youth's wonders. Yes. He was definitely enjoying this.

Feel the pain, Uchiha. Feel it!

Sensing a large amount of unmasked schadenfreude bubbling out of a smirking Neji, Sasuke levelled a Class-1 glare at the Byakugan wielder. It did nothing to stifle the shameful joy in the Hyuuga---indeed, it made his glee shoot up a notch---but the meaning was there.

While Lee was deeply engrossed in a love sonnet for his "fair Sakura-san", spouting so that the whole village could hear his terrible poetry, Neji moved closer to Sasuke, intent on hearing about his experience so far with Gai and Lee. And there was something he just had to know…

"Enjoying your time with the freaks, are you?" Neji asked smugly. The news of Sasuke being put through the same bizarre hell he himself had gone through was "The-Main-House-Is-No-More" to his ears. That Godaime Hokage; she was truly wise.

The addressed teen narrowed his eyes, ever so slightly, letting his addressor know that he was not amused.

Neji's lips twitched, for he was amused. But there was something he just had to ask. It had been bothering him since the first time he had met Gai, and he had to ask Sasuke about it. He just had to know.

Glancing about nonchalantly, the Hyuuga took in a steeling breath and said in an off-handed manner, "Did you see the baby elephant?"

Sasuke's head immediately snapped about to face Neji. His face contorted into a look of disbelief; a rarity for the Uchiha. He was speechless for a moment, his mind whirring with images of Gai's arrival at the training grounds that morning, and more specifically, the animals that had mysteriously appeared and disappeared around him.

"That was real?" Sasuke asked in disbelief. He had chalked it up to exhaustion, irritation, and well, the odd aura that followed Gai wherever he went.

"So, you did see it then? You saw the baby elephant, right?" Neji asked, narrowing his eyes on the Uchiha and earnestness beginning to creep into his vapid voice.

"Yeah," Sasuke answered slowly, curiosity over Neji's odd behaviour beginning to overtake his previous shock.

"So it was real. I knew it. I'm not crazy," Neji mumbled, more to himself than anyone else, but Sasuke heard it anyway, and cocked an eyebrow at the other teen.

Seeing this, Neji opted to elaborate on his words. "Tenten didn't see it. The first time we met Gai, there was this blinding sunrise, but it was still a good half-hour to sunup. Then there was a rainbow and a waterfall and a spring. Then all these forest animals appeared out of nowhere, and this baby elephant was there too. None of it made any sense," he murmured the last comment to himself.

Sasuke was nodding nearly imperceptibly to everything his companion was saying, horrified awe slowly creeping into his system. Good Lord, he's done it more than once?! Who knew how many poor souls were out there, traumatized by the mind boggling scene Gai had subjected them to. He was sick! He needed to be stopped.

"I saw the baby elephant," Neji continued. "Tenten didn't, though. She said that the surreal images that Gai had exposed us to had created a temporary rift between my logical mind and my subconscious, thus allowing entry for a fabricated event into my conscious memory." Neji shook his head and looked intensely at Sasuke. "I knew what I saw, but she didn't believe it. And I couldn't ask Lee, because it's not like his psyche is exactly what one would call reliably stable."

Sasuke just nodded in response. He was astounded at how deeply scarred the Hyuuga prodigy was by his first meeting with Gai. Truly, Maito Gai was a danger to the entire village. For him to be able to damage the calm of both himself and Neji---two extremely logical and unmovable shinobi---was cause for great concern. The man was a maniac, plain and simple. The thought of enduring five months of his diabolical "Youth-building" activities was enough to send chills down Sasuke's spine. The man was going to be the death of him. Or, at the very least, the death of what was left of his ever so fragile sanity.

Lee had finally finished his painful poem (Sasuke thought he had faintly heard Lee call it, "Youthful Ode upon the Springtime of My Fairest Cherry Blossom's Youthful Radiance of Youth" , or some such horrific title), and was now looking at the two stoic shinobi with expectant eyes.

Oh goodness, no. He didn't want their opinions did he? Did he seriously think it was going to get good reviews? Heck, Sasuke would wager a bet that even Sakura wouldn't be able to blatantly lie her way to a complement for that piece of garbage Lee had just shouted to the world, and boy, was that girl good at showing false appreciation so as not to cause hurt feelings, when it came to Lee. Sasuke had seen it on many an occasion when Lee was smothering her with attention and making ridiculous declarations of love and vows to win her heart or else he would launch himself into a barrage of self-enforced disciplines. She was one smooth operator when it came to lying to Lee.

Sasuke assumed that some of her words were true. The kunoichi wasn't so amoral as to have an entire friendship with a person based on subterfuge. But there was just no way she actually liked all of Lee's obsessive affections and grandiose presentations. There was no way. Not a chance.

But then again, who was to say what was really going on in the girl's mind? Women were strange creatures, in Sasuke's experience. They say one thing and mean another, or they actually mean what they say, but it's something so outrageous that you believe that they didn't actually mean it.

Sasuke considered himself to be quite proficient at reading his female team-mate. The girl had always been transparent to him and still was, for the most part. But there were times when he was absolutely lost in the face of Sakura's, to put it plainly, seemingly insane mind. The girl was a loose cannon in an increasing amount of situations, and Sasuke didn't like that he wasn't able to predict her actions as easily as he used to. A five year absence will do that, he supposed.

So, the possibility presented itself: Sakura may actually enjoy Fuzzy-eyebrows' unique brand of attention. He shuddered at the thought of them getting together. What would their children look like?

Sasuke suddenly pictured a brood of little Lee look-alikes, all sporting shiny bowl-cuts and Green Spandex Jumpsuits, except their hair and thick eyebrows were pink instead of black, and their bingo ball eyes were bright green instead of dark.

Gah! Bad mental images! Repress! REPRESS!!!

Directing his now twitching eyes at Lee, Sasuke initiated a dark glare that seemed to be entirely lost on Lee, but made the Uchiha feel slightly better. In an aggravated tone, he said, "That was the crappiest excuse for poetry I've ever heard. If bloody, putrescent mucous could be converted into words, that was it."

Not surprisingly, Lee didn't even flinch. He merely smiled and nodded, then turned to his team-mate with the same expectant look smeared across his features.

Neji's shoulders seemed to crumple a degree as he let out a defeated sigh. There was really no other way to put this. "Lee," he began evenly. "That was probably the worst poem I've ever heard in my life, and I didn't even hear all of it."

At this, Lee's thick eyebrows formed perplexed curves, as his gaze dropped to the ground for a moment. In the next instant, he shot his two companions a dazzling smile, full of pearly whites, and struck a variation of the "Good Guy" pose, called the "Vow of Youth" pose. The only difference from the "Good Guy" pose was, instead of holding an arm straight out with a thumbs-up, Lee bent his arm so his hand was beside his head and formed a fist with it. Fire of Youth blazed to life in his large eyes, and Neji and Sasuke could already see that an oath of betterment was on the way.

"Yosh! My esteemed rivals! I shall set out to create a work of poetry so awe-inspiring and Youthful, even you, my stoic and composed comrades, will be moved to Youthful tears."

The addressed shinobi both rolled their eyes, quietly begging for their exuberant companion to just leave. Of course, they knew he would never leave without declaring his next self-enforced discipline, should he fail to fulfill his vow. But after that, he'd better be gone.

With his fist still raised, Lee's eyes seemed to blaze even brighter, going from bonfire to house fire in a millisecond. "And should I fail to achieve this goal I have set for myself, I shall hug every tree in the western forest while carrying fifty pound weights on each arm!" With that, the Beautiful Green Beast of Konoha ran off to perpetrate another crime against poetry for his "Youthful flower, Sakura-san."

"You do realize that he won't stop until we actually cry while listening to one of his pieces of crap, right?" Neji said, staring hard in the direction Lee had disappeared.

"I'll make him stop, if it comes to it," Sasuke replied, with a scoff.

The Hyuuga shook his head. Turning to the Uchiha next to him, he said, "Lee isn't one to be deterred easily. He will keep trying, even if you threaten his life. Believe me, I know."

Sasuke quirked an eyebrow slightly. The Hyuuga couldn't be going where he thought he was going… "So what do you propose we do? And it better not be what I think it is, because there is no way---"

"No," Neji quickly interrupted. "No. I am not suggesting that we make ourselves cry at one of his poetry recitations." He cringed at the thought, Sasuke mirroring him. "Ugh, that would just encourage him; make him think they were actually good. No, I was thinking we could just crush his spirit; put an end to it that way," Neji spoke, offhandedly. It seemed as though destroying a person's inner structure was a daily occurrence for the guy.

The Uchiha's eyes widened in mild disbelief. "Are you telling me that you've never tried that before? Because that would have been the first thing I would have done, if I was stuck on a team with Fuzzy-eyebrows."

Neji's mouth quirked a bit at the terrible nickname he had heard both Naruto and Sasuke use for Lee. "I did try it. It didn't work. He just bounces back." He shook his head, recalling his past efforts, all in vain. "It's infuriating, really. However, I believe that if we concentrate our efforts, you and I will be able to break him. Or at the very least, make him cry tears of actual pain and sadness, instead of those Youthy ones." Neji's eyes hardened, as he stared at a nearby shop. "Just once I'd like to see him bawl in despair."

The comment took Sasuke slightly my surprise. Did anyone else realize just how messed up this guy was? Everyone commented on his mental problems, but this one; Neji was definitely on equal standing with Sasuke when it came to depraved plotting.

"You have issues. They run very deep. Why don't we get along, again?" Sasuke asked.

Neji raised an eyebrow, in thought. "I'm not entirely sure myself, but I believe it has something to do with us being considered rivals, and also our clans' superiority complexes."

"Right. That's what it was," Sasuke replied, life making sense again, as he recalled the way his relationships---or lack thereof---with others worked.

"Anyway," the Hyuuga began. "I realized that I couldn't cover all the bases necessary for Lee's undoing, by myself. But if we work on this together, I have confidence we will succeed."

"In crushing his spirit?" Sasuke clarified.

"In crushing his spirit," Neji confirmed, with a nod.

A brief moment of uncalled for moral distress plagued Sasuke's mind. But when his thoughts drifted back to what that green-clad freak and his even freakier sensei had subjected him to in that morning alone, his moral distress was flipped into a burning need for vengeance. Hey! Vengeance had been his game plan for the better part of his eighteen-year existence. Old habits die hard, as those ambiguous people, often referred to as "they", say.

"Alright," Sasuke answered. "But I have a condition."

Neji cocked an eyebrow. "And that is…?"

"Gai has to be brought down too," the dark-eyed shinobi said. "He's a maniac. He needs to be dealt with."

At this, Neji smirked. They were most definitely on the same page, the Uchiha and him. "Believe me, if Lee falls, so will Gai. The Will of Youth compels it," the Hyuuga prodigy fairly sneered.

Sasuke gave a smirk of his own, excitement at the prospect of retribution running through his veins.

"What's the plan, then?"

Guttersnipe's Word: Well there's chapter 2. Long, I know. But I like when authors give long chapters; it makes waiting for the update worth it. That and I just couldn't find a place to break it up into something smaller. It felt like if I did then I would be giving another chapter where nothing actually happened, which is still sort of the case, I know, but I'm getting there. Don't worry. The plot will arrive soon enough. If you can call the idea behind this thing a plot, that is. And I'm aware that there are no PSAs yet, when the summary and title explicitly state that there would be PSAs. Again, have patience. I'm still working out the kinks of writing a continuation story. I'm used to one-shots.

And something I should mention to avoid being charged with copyright infringement: That little line Sasuke says if his repressed memories become unrepressed---"Mississauga rattlesnakes eat brown bread." That's part of an actual poem called "Rattlesnake Skipping Song" by Dennis Lee. We learned it in Grade One, I think, and it has (unfortunately) stuck with me for the nearly fourteen years since. And it creeps me out, something fierce. I don't know why, it just does. One of my friends used to start reciting it out of nowhere just to get a rise out of me. I cursed him to a dark unpleasantness every time. Anyway, because that poem gives me the willies, I thought, "Hey, why not make it something that had deeply scarred Sasuke too? He was with the creepy Snake Sannin, so it would relate, in a way." So I did.

Anyhoos, please review; it would be greatly appreciated. It doesn't even have to be coherent; just a jumble of misplaced adjectives and pronouns with the odd punctuation mark would suffice. I'm serious. I won't mind. Or type in "paravillintiniay". Seriously. Go for it.