The room was quiet. Nurses and doctors were there, doing what they needed to, but the talking was limited, at least that's what it felt like to Alex. Like there was sadness hanging over them. Maggie was by her side, rubbing her shoulder as she was taking a moment. Alex looked up to her wife, seeing tears already clouding her eyes. "Okay Alex, just one more push." The nurse told her. Alex shook her head. She didn't want to push any more. She didn't want this moment to come. She wasn't ready. She'd never be ready for this moment.
"Maggie, I can't. I don't want too." Alex's voice trembled, tears filling her eyes.
"I know sweetie," Maggie spoke softly, a quiver in her voice as she rubbed Alex's shoulder. "But you've got this. You're almost there. I'm sorry baby but you just gotta do it."
Alex lay her head back on the pillow. She took a deep breath before closing her eyes. She dug her chin into her chest and pushed with all her might. "Well done, Alex. That's it," The nurse told her. Alex kept her eyes closed and turned her head to face away from everyone, as an eerie silence filled the room. There were no cries. There'd never be any cries. Alex felt Maggie lean down to hug her. She felt her lips softly kissing her temple. "Do you want some time with him?" Alex heard the nurses voice. Him. She said him. They were having a son.
Alex scrunched her eyes shut even tighter than they already were, her head shaking. "No. no. no."
"Sweetie," Maggie swallowed a lump in her throat. "Maybe it'll be good. We can say goodbye."
"I can't," Alex still didn't open her eyes. "You can do what you want but I can't."
Alex woke up, tears filling her eyes. She had the dream a lot. Or maybe more so a nightmare. It wasn't something that was good anyway. They'd decided to have another child not long after Hayden's first birthday. They found out they were pregnant in early December and after only a few days of sickness, the pregnancy went by with no complications for Alex. But then at 34 weeks and 5 days pregnant, Alex noticed the baby had stopped moving. They went to the hospital and they were told their baby would be delivered stillborn. She was induced, and 17 hours later, Alex gave birth to their son. Maggie washed him and dressed him in a sleepsuit with a little bear on the front, a little hat to match. She held him, and she sang to him. Alex eventually held her son, and she and Maggie decided to name him Carter J'onn Danvers. They spent some precious moment together with the son they'd sadly never get to raise, before the girls came to see him and say goodbye to their little brother, as did Eliza. Alex wiped her hands over her eyes, removing the tears that wanted to fall. The tears for her son, and then the tears for the state of her marriage. It had been 8 months since his birth and 4 months since Alex started drinking again. Things with her and Maggie had been difficult since losing Carter and Alex knew that she was the one to blame. Maggie had tried to get her to talk and grieve with her, but she shut herself away. She refused help. She refused counselling. She started to sneak in a drink, the one drink enough to begin with but of course it didn't take long for her to be drinking excessively. Then she couldn't hide it from Maggie any longer although there was a great battle for Alex to admit she needed help. That she needed rehab. That came after Alex woke up in another woman's bed, flashes of that night now playing in Alex's mind. It killed Alex that she'd cheated her on wife. Her heart ached so much for her son and for what she'd done to Maggie and the state she'd let their marriage get into. She took a deep breath as she looked around the room she was staying in at the rehab clinic. The clinic had tried to make it look homely for their patients, but Alex still hated it. She didn't want to be here. She wanted to be at home with her wife and kids, but right now, Alex didn't actually know if she had a home to go back to. She took a deep breath as she turned on her side in the bed, looking to the wall before she let go, letting out the tears that so desperately wanted to fall.
Maggie cut the top off the boiled egg, putting it down next to the egg cup. She cut the toast she'd already buttered into little slices before taking it over to the breakfast bar. "Hayden," Maggie called for her daughter. She'd only turned her back a minute to prepare Hayden's breakfast for her. She'd left Hayden sitting at the breakfast bar playing with Hallie hippo, which as Emmi predicted, became Hayden's comfort teddy but Hayden had managed to get down from the stool and had ran over to the dining area and had climbed up onto the table. Hayden loved to climb. "Get off the table," Maggie instructed. Hayden giggled as she crawled to the edge, before she stood up and leapt off, the girl having no fear at all. "Don't do that," Maggie had a brief moment of panic, but Hayden just giggled as she ran over to the stool. "It's not funny sweetie. You could really hurt yourself."
"No I won't," Hayden shook her head as she climbed up onto the stool, putting her hippo down to the side on the breakfast bar. "Me is a big girl. I won't get hurted Mama."
"Hmm. Well, just eat your breakfast," Maggie looked downwards as she heard Trudi pacing the floor, whining a little. "I know you want to go for a walk girl. Soon, I promise." Maggie said, but she realised her error right away, saying the word 'walk'. Trudi got all excited and bounced around in circles before she ran out to the front door, Maggie hearing her tail wagging as it was banging off the wall. Maggie pursed her lips as she picked up her coffee cup and took a drink.
"Me feed the fishes?" Hayden wondered as she was staring at the fish bowl.
"No, I already fed them." Maggie said, and Hayden frowned before she picked up a slice of the toast and dipped it into her egg, the yolk bursting out and running down the sides.
"Where's Emmi?" Hayden wondered as she took a bite of the yolk covered toast.
"I don't think she is feeling too well so she is still in bed." Maggie explained before taking another bite of her bagel. She looked to the door as she heard Trudi coming back through. She walked over to Maggie and put her head against her leg. Maggie looked down to her, bringing her hand down to clap her.
"Ava too?" Hayden questioned as she picked up her cup to take a drink of her milk.
"Hmm," Maggie nodded, walking around the breakfast bar and taking a seat next to her daughter. She reached across the breakfast bar and pulled her plate and coffee over. "She is just lazy though isn't she?" Maggie questioned, and Hayden giggled as she nodded.
"What we do today, Mama?" Hayden wondered, tucking back into her egg and toast. Maggie had called Eliza the night before and she said she'd come around to get the girls before she would go see Alex.
"Uh," Maggie exhaled. "You are going to go visit Mummy."
"Yey, yey, yey, yey, yey." Hayden cheered as the doorbell rang.
Maggie glanced at the clock on the kitchen wall, seeing it was 8.25. She was sure it would be Eliza and she'd let herself in. Soon enough, she heard the door opening and then Eliza's voice. "Hello," Eliza appeared in the kitchen. "Sorry I hope you don't mind, I used my own key."
"It's fine. I was actually counting you doing that, so I didn't have to get up." Maggie murmured, her lips etching into a cheeky grin.
Eliza chuckled as she walked over to her granddaughter. "Good morning sunshine." Eliza kissed Hayden's cheek.
"Morning." Hayden spoke with a mouthful of toast.
Trudi came bounding over to Eliza, her tail wagging in excitement at their visitor. "Hello to you too." Eliza clapped her before she ran off out of the kitchen but quickly appeared back, looking out to the hallway. "Is she alright?" Eliza asked.
"She just needs a w-a-l-k," Maggie spelt it out. "But Ava and Emmi are still in bed, so once this one is done with breakfast we'll get her out." Maggie said. Trudi sometimes got to go out into the back yard, but both Maggie and Alex didn't want her out doing her business where the girls would be out playing.
"I'll take her out for you." Eliza offered.
"If you don't mind." Maggie scratched the back of her head.
"Not at all," Eliza shook her head. "Is Emmi okay?" Eliza questioned, seeing she wasn't eating breakfast with Maggie and Hayden. "I know it's spring break, but I still thought she'd be up. I thought she'd be excited for going to visit Alex."
"She threw up a little bit last night, so I think she's just taking it a little bit easy," Maggie told her. "But she should be fine to go with you. I'll go check on her in a minute," Maggie said, taking another drink of her coffee and Eliza nodded. "Uh, can I get you a coffee?"
"I'll get one once I've taken Trudi out," Eliza answered. "But uh, fine to go with me?" Eliza questioned. "Does that mean you are not coming?"
Maggie opened her mouth to reply to Eliza, but Hayden spoke over her. "Mama, my spoon for my egg." Hayden said, pulling at Maggie's arm.
"Sorry sweetie," Maggie got down from the stool and walked over to the drawer. "Uh, I…" Maggie shook her head as she looked to Eliza. "I don't think I can." Maggie took a spoon from the drawer and handed it to Hayden.
Eliza pursed her lips. "Maggie, I….I know that you are hurt that she relapsed," Eliza said. She knew she'd been telling Kara to let Maggie deal with this how she wanted, but at the same time, she didn't want Maggie to give up and she knew they needed to talk and work through things. "We are all upset she felt it was the only option, but she was grieving and she -"
"Can we not do this," Maggie cleared her throat as she glanced down to Hayden. She looked like she was concentrating too much on getting her egg white out of the shell that she probably wasn't paying attention to what they were saying, but she didn't want to talk about this in front of her young daughter. "You don't…." Maggie took a deep breath. "You don't know everything that's gone on."
"Then tell me," Eliza said. "Darling, you can talk to me. I'm not automatically going to take Alex's side or justify all her behaviour just because I am her mother," Eliza told her. "I'm here for you just as much as I am Alex. You are a huge part of my life, Maggie, and I am here to help you through this too."
"I'm not doing this," Maggie shook her head. "Uh, I'm going to check on Emmi. See if she is feeling okay to come with you," Maggie said, walking towards the door. "Can you just please take Trudi out. Her lead is by the door." Maggie wiped her hand across her eyes as she left Eliza standing in the kitchen, wondering what exactly she'd meant by saying you don't know everything that's gone on.
Maggie looked up as she heard a knock on the door. Before she had even answered, the door opened, and Ava walked into the room. She found Maggie sitting on the floor leaning against the bed, looking down to a picture of Carter. "She won't let me keep this out anywhere," Maggie kept her gaze on the picture as Ava sat down next to her. "He was my son too," Maggie took a deep breath, trying to stay composed. "I know there will be some people who would argue he wasn't because I hadn't formally adopted him but he…he was."
"I know." Ava wrapped her arm around her sister. They were in what would have been the baby's room. The guest room had been decorated into a nursery, but it was quickly changed back after the funeral, J'onn and Neil working hard to get it done in just one day, Alex not able to even think about the room being decorated for the baby a moment longer. Ava looked down to the other pictures on the floor. There were scan pictures and pictures of Carter with the family.
"The baby was supposed to compete our family," Maggie said. "And now I don't even know if we are still a family."
"Maggie you are always going to be a family, at least…with the girls. I hope you and Alex can get through this, but you have two wonderful daughters and nothing or no-one will ever take that away from you," Ava told her, rubbing her arm as she spoke. "And I know that you'll be disappointed and feel hurt that Alex turned to drink for comfort instead of talking things over with you but -"
"Ava that's not the big issue here," Maggie exhaled lightly, rubbing her thumb over the picture of her son. "Well, it is, but," Maggie pursed her lips. She took a deep breath before she looked around to her sister. "Alex is an alcoholic. Recovering alcoholic….or not, she…" Maggie paused for a moment. "I'm mad at her because she didn't talk to me. We were both going through this, but she would rather find her comfort in the bottom of a bottle than go through the grieving process with her wife. And I'm mad at her because she let herself get so intoxicated to the point that she wasn't in control of herself anymore and when she gets there, she makes dumb, dumb choices and she did," Maggie felt herself welling up. This was something that no-one knew happened. Well, except from Alex, Maggie and the other woman. "She slept with someone else, Ava."
Ava widened her eyes, shocked at Maggie's revelation. "Maggie, I…why didn't you say anything?"
"I just want to protect her. She's grieving. It's not…." Maggie trailed off, letting a puff of air escape between her lips.
"So you've just been dealing with this yourself?" Ava questioned. "For how long? When did this happen?"
"Uhm, about 6 weeks ago." Maggie said. She felt a little relief at someone else knowing. That she had someone else to talk to about it.
"I'm sorry and I know she's struggling with losing Carter but Maggie, she cheated on you," Ava sounded surprised. She never thought Alex would be the type of person to cheat. She knew grief and or alcohol made people do stupid things, but this revelation still shocked her. "Why are you protecting her?"
Maggie shrugged as she wiped a tear from her eye. "I love her and she's hurting, and she doesn't need people judging her for this," Maggie said. "And I'm hurt. Of course I am hurt that she'd sleep with someone else," Maggie exhaled lightly. "We weren't having sex," Maggie told her sister. "Not since before we lost Carter. And I got it. I understood it. I didn't feel like it for ages after we lost him, never mind Alex," Maggie said. "But she went out there and slept with some random woman," Maggie took a deep breath, trying to word what she wanted to say. "She can't even look at me, her wife after all our years together, but she can go and be intimate with a stranger. What does that say for us?"
"Uh," Ava shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. I guess only you know what you want. I could tell you a lot of things but at the end of the day, it's down to you and what your heart is telling you." Ava told her.
Maggie pursed her lips as she gave a little nod. "I mean, it's Alex," Maggie said. "She's my world and I have never loved someone as much as I love her, but getting through the loss of Carter was going to be hard enough and if you add the other stuff into it, I….I don't know, Ava. I don't know if we are going to get through it all." Maggie swallowed a lump in her throat. The last 8 months had been hard enough, but she knew it would be a while yet, before things could get back to what they had, if they even could.
"Mummy," Hayden shrieked as she ran across the decking of the outside garden area of the rehab centre that Alex was in. "Oh Mummy." Alex bent down to Hayden's level as she threw her arms out for a hug.
"Hey, baby," Alex wrapped her arms around Hayden as she leapt into her. "God, I miss you so much." Alex held onto Hayden tightly, placing a kiss on her temple.
"You is squashing me." Hayden tried to wriggle away a bit, so Alex loosened her grip before she looked up, seeing Eliza and Emmi standing there. She squeezed Hayden for a moment longer before letting go, Hayden moving out the way to let Emmi see Alex.
"How are you, sweetie?" Alex stood up and hugged Emmi.
"I was throwing up last night, but I feel okay now." Emmi murmured as she gave Alex a hug.
"Oh dear," Alex pulled back and put her hand onto Emmi's brow, but she felt normal. Alex looked to Eliza then looked beyond them, like she was waiting for someone else to come. "Is she not…" Alex looked back to Eliza who was shaking her head, knowing what Alex was asking. Alex bit her lip as she gave a little nod. "Well, you two going to tell me what you've been up to?" Alex put on a brave face for the girls, but she was upset that Maggie hadn't come. She understood why, but she hoped she'd have been there, so they could talk.
"Climbing." Hayden answered, Alex chuckling as she looked down to her daughter, who looked like she was scanning the place to see if there was anything that she could climb on.
"I got two silver and one bronze medal at my swimming competition last week," Emmi told her. Emmi still loved swimming and had quite the medal collection now. "And we were 4th in the relay."
"Aww well done," Alex smiled as she sat down on the chair, Hayden climbing up onto her knee as Eliza and Emmi sat on the chairs opposite. "You done anything else? You are on Spring Break, right?"
"Yeah," Emmi nodded. "Auntie Ava came home. I think that cheered Mama up a bit." Emmi exhaled lightly, Alex twisting her lips as she bowed her head a little.
"Me wore a dress." Hayden said as she pointed to herself.
"You did?" Alex sounded a little surprised. Hayden wasn't really a dress girl.
"Uh-huh," Hayden nodded. "For K."
"For the wedding," Eliza told her. "We looked at some dresses yesterday," Eliza informed her daughter. "She put this flower girl dress on and Maggie had to practically fight her out of it."
"Wow," Alex smiled down at Hayden. "So, you like the dress, did you?"
"Hmm," Hayden scratched the side of her head. "For K." Hayden said again, Alex giving a little smile as she ran her hand through Hayden's hair.
"How about you, Em's," Alex questioned. "You try any on?"
"A couple," Emmi answered. "But Kara didn't like any of them on me," Emmi told her. "We will just have to keep looking."
"Yeah, there's plenty time to find the right dresses." Alex said.
"Will you be home for the wedding?" Emmi questioned.
"Of course I will," Alex told her. "I should only be here for 6 weeks," Alex informed her daughter. "And I'm already into my third week," Alex said. "The wedding is not for months." Alex reminded her, Emmi giving a little smile.
"And you'll be back home with Mama and me and Hayden?" Emmi questioned. Alex pursed her lips, not really sure how to answer that. She hadn't talked to Maggie since she'd arrived at rehab. She didn't really know what the state of her marriage was right now.
"Oh it's hot out here," Eliza reached for her purse. "How about you go and find us some drinks?" Eliza questioned, handing her purse out for Emmi to take. "Is there a café place or somewhere to get something?" Eliza said, looking to Alex.
"There's a vending machine through those doors and down to the left." Alex said as she pointed to the doors close by.
"Go on then sweetie, go get us something," Eliza said. Emmi looked to Alex before she jumped down from the chair. "How about you go help Em's?" Eliza looked to Hayden as she spoke. Hayden jumped down from Alex's knee and took Emmi's hand, Emmi walking away with Hayden to get the drinks. Alex watched and waited till she was out of earshot.
"You know you can't just send her away when she asks tough questions," Alex sighed. "She's almost 10, Mum, she's not stupid. She knows things are going on."
"Well I just thought you'd like more time to come up with something," Eliza retorted. "It didn't seem like you had an answer for her," Alex rubbed her hand over her forehead as she sighed. Eliza was right. Alex didn't really know what to say to Emmi. "I mean, Maggie wouldn't even come today. What does that show for how your marriage is going?" Eliza didn't mean to be harsh, but she was confused at what was going on with them.
"It's….complicated." Alex answered.
"But how so?" Eliza questioned. "You lost your son and then you relapsed. How can she be mad at you for that?" Eliza asked. "I know you two weren't communicating well which is strange enough, but, sweetie, there's…" Eliza pursed her lips as she remembered what Maggie had said that morning about how she didn't know everything that had gone on. "Has something else happened that I don't know about?"
"I…" Alex rolled her wedding rings around her finger. "I hurt her," Alex felt herself welling up. "I really hurt her, okay?"
"But you were both hurting," Eliza still looked confused, Alex's answer clearly not good enough. "You need to talk with each other. She needs to come here, and you need to talk and there's counsellors, right?" Eliza questioned. "They can help you," Eliza said. "Is she blaming you for losing Carter? Because sweetie, that wasn't your fault."
Alex took a deep breath, trying to keep herself composed. "It's not about Carter," Alex shook her head. "I mean, all this stemmed from losing him, but she was nothing but sweet and caring and understanding and she tried so hard to get me to talk with her, but I refused. I closed up and I…." Alex felt a tear rolling down her cheek. "I chose to drink instead of talking to my wife and being there for her because she was grieving too," Alex squeaked. "I slept with someone else, Mum. That's why she is mad at me. That's why she can't face coming to see me because her little boy died and then her wife slept with someone else." Alex broke down into tears for everything. For Carter, for her relapsing, for her cheating on her wife. Tears for pushing Maggie away when they should have dealt with the loss together.
"Oh Alexandra." Eliza mumbled as she stood up from the chair and walked over to her daughter, pulling her into a much needed embrace.
Thoughts on this one? :)
