"If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello I am the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry"
HELLO- EVANESCENCE
He should have learned. He never should have let Romana go with him in the first place, but his need and love for her, and her stubborn will, had gotten the best of him. And now, he let his feelings for Rose, and her own dedication to him took over once again, and It had cost him yet another companion.
He was convinced he was keeping Rose out of harms way when he sent her to the parallel universe with Pete, Jackie, Mickey, and all the others, but Rose had Ideas of her own. Her love and devotion to him had grown so strong that she had her heart set on never leaving him alone in a fight, ever.
When a whooshing sound hit the air and Rose appeared with in a flash of white, somewhere in the back of the Doctor's subconscious played the Image of Romana walking up the hill towards him. His hearts sank, in his immediate state of mind for Rose, but a tiny piece of his subconscious echoed, don't let this happen again Doctor…
He found himself agreeing with the voice in his head, and began protesting with Rose. "Once the breech collapses, that's it. You will never be able to see her again, your own mother!" He found himself shaking with furry, not all directed at Rose, mostly at himself for not preventing this somehow.
Rose only looked him with the same amount of authority, never blinking once, just as Romana had back on Gallifrey. She adopted the same firm but calming voice and said, "I made my choice a long time ago, and I'm never gonna leave you. "
They looked at each other for one solid moment, the Doctor looking into Rose's eyes, finding that she meant every word, and that she loved him, and she was never going to abandon that love. He began to let the tension in his body loosen as he gave into her demands. He found that he had come to a point that if he denied his affection for her any longer, it would be unjust to both of them, and maybe it was safe to lessen his shell on his emotions.
And all because he gave into one moment, one brief unsaid understanding between them, he had made another deadly mistake. He decided to give into his feelings about Rose, and it weakened his ability to protect her, just as his allowance for his feelings for Romana had lead him to fail her…
"What… what do you mean Romana?" the Doctor asked stunned, He knew the answer, but he didn't want to even think about what she had been implying.
She shot him her trademark mischievous grin. "You didn't think I was actually going to let you get through this on your own did you?"
He took his hand away from her grasp that had been so welcome only moments ago. "No Romana, absolutely not". He still saw her as the young innocent Gallifreyan girl fresh out the academy, full of curiosity and wonder, and still blind to the true horrors of life outside the safety of the Citadel. He was still bound and determined to protect her no matter what, even if she had grown older and wiser since the first time they met. He knew that what the destruction of Gallifrey was going to do to him, but he was a hardened soul whose emotional wounds would heal and leave only scars that he could one day hide from him self, but he couldn't even imagine how the loss of her home would affect Romana. He was the stone wall meant to last for centuries, never failing, never falling, but in the back of his mind, she was still his delicate flower. He could recover, and live with his burden and carry it for the rest of his lives, but he was terrified that the same burden just might crush and burry her beautiful soul.
Sensing what the Doctor was thinking, Romana stiffened her posture and said flatly, "and why not Doctor? Surely you're still not trying to protect me?"
He began to stand as he looked down at her. "Yes Romana, I am. I have more than four hundred years on you, and I have seen much more experience than you do". He knelt back down on one knee to her level so he could look into her face. "Romana, I have been through more than you could ever imagine, and when I said I would never wish the fate of watching worlds burn on anyone, I meant it. I certainly am not looking forward to watching Gallifrey disappear into ashes and stardust myself, and I cannot bear to have you see and feel that with me". He took her now clenched fist and clasped it between his hands. "Please Romana, as friend, I am begging you to let me do this on my own. "
She yanked away her hand and stood over him. "You are so full of shit Doctor, and you know it. "
With that he knew he was in for an earful.
"You think I haven't experienced as much as you have because you've been gallivanting across the cosmos all your lives, and because I am younger than you I am ignorant about life." she pointed a finger on her bandaged hand. "Well let me tell you something Doctor, I am not a girl any more.'
'Who had to face the Black Guardian? I did. Who was captured and accused of being a spy on Skaro? I was. Who was kidnapped by the Daleks and held prisoner for twenty years? I was! Who fought against Rassilon while you were possessed by Zagreus and poor Charley was left in scattered bits of time and your memory? Leela, K-9, and I did. Who actually stayed in their post as president to fight the evils of Pandora and Free time? I did. '
'Who watched as most of my fleet were engulfed in flames after being shot down by Daleks and then swallowed by the Nightmare Child? I did. Who tried to save Narvin from loosing his mind at the hand of the Skaro Degradations and then watched him die? I did." There was an air of smugness in her voice as she continued, "Who saved your ass from the vortex ripping you limb from limb when the Horde of Travesties got out of hand? If it wasn't for my ability to fly your own TARDIS better then you sometimes, your timeline would have been all but demolished, and you mind completely frazzled to say the least". He knew she was right, if it wasn't for her impeccable thinking and timing, he would most likely be insane, if not dead.
The Doctor knew he was about to loose this fight, as he did with most arguments with Romana, but he had to try. "Romana, please, listen to me, I'm not say-"
She laughed. "I know what you are trying to say Doctor, and it's not going to work. I know that you still want to see me as the young girl who walked into your TARDIS without a clue about life beyond the books I had my nose buried in. I'm not; I've done just as much as living as you have. You think that I haven't seen horrors in my life?" she took a deep breath and gathered her thoughts. "You saw what happened in the Matrix when we fought Zagreus. The vision of myself becoming the dictator of Gallifrey, of the universe, holding all that power, just the thought scared me". She gave him the same look of searching for understanding he had given her. "Think of how it was to be taken over by Zagreus, how powerless you felt. I didn't understand at first, but then when Pandora took over my mind, it was terrifying. I had fought so hard to bring Gallifrey forward, but instead all I ended up doing was dragging it backward, I created the civil war between my supporters and those of Pandora and Darkel,"
She sighed. "You have to understand Doctor, I have seen my home destroyed before, by my own doing. It was because of me the Free Time virus rampaged though out Gallifrey, killing thousand's of people. And all I could do was watch with Leela, Narvin, Brax and K-9 though the portal as one of the oldest civilizations in the universe died out, all because of couple of damned rats that were let loose and bred during the mesh of civil war I created.'
'You can't even imagine the memories that troubled me when we took up camp in the ruins of the academy after the Dalek Emperor set a fleet of Daleks on Braxiatel's forces. I sat there, days upon days, just as I had when we had fought Pandora and she had destroyed the academy. I was haunted by my recollections of the explosions that almost cost Narvin his life and blinded Leela, the screams of those who were fighting in my name, shaking out of fear of the voice of Pandora calling in my head. I was so alone then, looking for the guidance of my oldest mentor, Brax, I had lost him to the Pandora virus that buried itself in his mind and chased him from Gallifrey. When he returned after Galifrey was rebuilt, after we saved him from the Axis, I gained my friend back. But then the Daleks infiltrated the High Council and assonated most of the cardinals and killed President Matthias, and declared war on the Time Lords, I lost Brax all over again after the battle of the Academy. I was all alone again, I remained strong on the outside of course, I always have, but we Time Lords are not as tough on the inside as we like to believe. "
Her frustration subsided with him some as she knelt back down to ground to be level with the Doctor again, seeing the look of understanding in his eyes over the loss of his brother. "I felt as lost and frustrated and torn as you are now, but then you returned from Skaro. You knew just as well as I did this was the last war the Time Lords would ever fight, but you were determined to win this fight, and you needed all the help you could get. You knew that to do that, I needed you, for support, for the friendship I so needed, to find myself again". She took his hand again and squeezed it hard. "Doctor, you need me to do the same for you now. And I am asking you as friend and so much more, to let me. "
She had both his hands in hers, her eyes meeting with his, letting them speak the words she always meant, but had never said.
And in that moment, the Doctor knew he could never leave her here. He was now assured that she truly was the sturdy, well rounded woman he had come to adore, and all doubt he might have had about her inner strength had disappeared. His love and care for her would rather see her saddened about the fate of her home, but safe in his arms, than have her spend another day in this living hell and loosing her forever. He need not say these words, or even to tell her, yes, she would accompany him when he enacted the Moment, they simply gazed into each others eyes. The Doctor never breathed a word of thank you to Romana, the smile on her lips and the twinkle in her brown eyes said more understanding than any other companion ever had expressed.
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. He laid his head on her shoulder as her chin rested on his. He ran his fingers though her blonde hair, as she simply pulled her hold around him tighter.
The moment hung in the air for what seemed hours. The embrace between the Doctor and Romana, in a sort of irony of the situation, seemed to freeze time around them. The warships above went unnoticed and the burning landscape could have calmed in the midst of the hug between to friends who had been unspoken lovers for so many centuries. Not a soul existed in that instant outside the pair on the hillside holding each other…
Finally, Romana broke the silence. Her face brushed back against the Doctor's, sniffling, trying to hide her tears from him. She said softly, "Right Doctor, I think it's time we said our last goodbyes, and do what we have to," and she took his hand in hers again, and placed them on the tombstone under which Leela lay.
