A/N: FINALLY I CAN UPDATE! My goober husband broke the computer and I couldn't upload anything! I was going crazy! Please excuse the gap in time between chapters. I will do my best to update daily until the story is finished now. Read and review!
Disclaimer: I don't own them, my imagination just borrowed them for a bit :)
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OLIVIA'S P.O.V
Leaning against the wall across the hall from Kathy Stablers' room waiting for Elliot to come out, I heave a heartfelt sigh of relief. Man, what a day, I catch myself almost smiling at the irony of it. I must have pissed someone off royally along the way to incur this kind of wrath. I was just doing Elliot a favor because he was working a case and ended up with far more than I ever bargained for. I did not know I had that level of determination in me as I worked with the paramedics and EMT's stabilize Kathy. I just knew that no matter what happened I could not let him down in that way, I could not let him lose two of the most important people in his world. He was counting on me so I stepped up and did what I knew he would want, what any good partner would do. I catch myself doing things based on what I think his opinion would be a lot lately and I don't have the slightest clue why. Perhaps I am just making sure I do not have to withstand the worst of his infamous temper anymore. Things are different since I came back from Oregon. I just don't have that much fight left in me these days. I went undercover for the FBI and did a stint in computer crimes to distance myself from this, our partnership, and even him. Somewhere along the way it became so complicated. Elliot is my best friend, my rock, my axis, and I know I can depend on him no matter what. I know he has my back, he is my partner. But at the end of the day I still walk out of the precinct and leave him behind.
I hear the door open and glance up from the place against the wall that I have rooted myself to while I waited on him to leave her room. My eyes absorb his appearance and his ragged and forceful breathing catches my attention. I wonder almost frantically if something is wrong with Kathy or the baby so I lever myself away from the wall and plaster a smile on my face and open my mouth to speak.
"How is the baby?" I ask so quietly that I wonder if it is really me talking. Does my voice actually sound like that?
Silently I watch him heave a sigh of relief and that long slow smile that I have come to love over the years spreads across his face. . . . Wait, hold the phones Bob, did I really just use the word love in the same sentence as my partner, my very attractive and infuriating MARRIED partner? This is not happening. I knew things were complicated but somehow admitting the real reason I left to myself makes matters so much worse. I cannot love him, he isn't mine to love.
"Great." He says on an expulsion of breath. The euphoria of being a brand new father for the fifth time looks good on him. Very good. His gaze lingers for a few seconds longer before he moves past me to continue down the hallway.
He has a unique walk that is all his own, that just screams ELLIOT STABLER. It is cocky, self-assured, straight, and unbelievably appealing to the female population and I am no exception. I usually catch an enthralled female staring unabashedly at him at least once a day. He keeps on walking, the knowledge that I am to follow him is a given. I can't wait to go home and take a nice hot shower, maybe a bubble bath, and cleanse myself of the trauma and memories that this day has laid at my feet. The after birth and blood from Kathy and his newborn son still coats my shirt and shoes. The events of the day are beginning to wear on me. Exhaustion rips through every fiber of my being, I am tired of being strong today. I want the oblivion of sleep.
I barrel into something rock hard and steadfast, I know without looking up that it is him. Slowly but surely, I raise my eyes, uncertain of what I will find, and look up into the most magnetic bottomless and now twinkling electric blue eyes that have become so familiar and oh so dear over the years of our tumultuous partnership. His bulky arms snake around me and I find myself being absorbed into his big warm embrace.
Oh god. This isn't good. Why is he doing this? It is breaking the rules. We don't touch that rule alone has held the key to our working so successfully together. Standing awkwardly in his arms right now I know that I was right. I always knew that being held by him would blow any other embrace in my past out of the water. I am in the one place I never thought I would be, I am in Elliot Stabler's arms and it feels good. Right. Safe. I don't know what to do; this is a line we were never supposed to cross. I
could care about him; I could fall fast and hard and never be able to recover. He is married! I just held his wife's hand and held their newborn son while the life drained out of her and she coded. I was so afraid she would die. How would I have put him back together after that? Shock and something else I can't quite name are coursing through me. What am I supposed to do? Does he need comfort? Does he need reassurance?
I can feel his jaw working next to my ear as I put my hands on his waist. He is trying to tell me something but the words aren't quite coming out. His smell, oh how I have come to adore and rely on that smell. Old Spice, who knew it could be so. . .so. . .so, well erotic and comforting.
His breath is tickling my ear. He is trying to form words and the breath that is coming in place of them is causing chills to race up and down my spine. I know I am going crazy now because I can NOT feel like this about him.
"You're ok" he says on a sigh so wrought with torment and emotion that it is tangible.
A violent shudder runs through his powerful frame. This embrace isn't about him or Kathy, or their baby. He wants; no he needs to reassure himself that I am ok. He needs to know that I am in one piece. I thought it was his way of saying thanks, but it is something so much more. I feel his relief; his terror, his pain, and something else so intense that neither of us is willing to acknowledge it or give it free rein between us. Oh dear god, please help me because I am not this strong. I can't resist this warmth or the comfort. I want them both so badly right now. Who am I kidding? I need them and I need him. Sliding my arms up his back I squeeze for all I am worth. Inhaling his scent because I know I am committing it all to memory in view of the fact that it is not my right to have the comfort of his arms draped around me. But for a minute I take what he is giving me so freely because I am not strong enough to resist it. God may strike me down as soon as I walk out the door of this hospital but nothing short of a natural disaster or Armageddon could tear me from his arms at this moment.
I was right in a way; I knew touching him would change everything. These feelings and the effect it is having on me are cataclysmic. My mind, body, and emotions are reeling from the sweet torture this simple hug causing; I can feel it in my toes. How can we go back now?
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ELLIOT'S P.O.V
There she is, the best thing I have seen all day. I owe all that I have right now to her. My wife and my son are still alive because she fought with all she was worth to save them. She didn't give up. I am so proud of her. They tell me she fought like she was running from the fires of hell to save them, completely mindless of her hurts and wounds. Olivia is my best friend, my other half. What a day. Opening the door to come out of Kathy's room the events of the day play back in my mind. It all started with a phone call, a horrible gut wrenching phone call telling me that two of the most important people in my world were in a car accident. A car had blown through a red light and into the passenger side of the car carrying my whole world. I remember my heart stopping as my thoughts raced straight to Olivia. I prayed that it wasn't her and that she was safe. I remember the almost maniacal terror I felt at the thought of something happening to her. Then I remembered that Kathy was in the car. Olivia had agreed to take her to her regular OB appointment because I was out of town on a case. Captain told me that they had been T-boned by another car headed by a careless drive.
I raced into the emergency room past a startled Olivia and into the room where my wife and son were placed after being brought in. I am a new daddy for the fifth time, so why when it was most crucial were my first thoughts about the welfare of my partner and not my wife? Olivia means so much to me; I died a little when she left without so much as a word. There is so much more to her, to our partnership than I ever knew or was willing to admit. It's been changing since my separation and her undercover assignment for the FBI. I think it's even been changing since day one when I walked into the precinct and was introduced to her as my new partner. Man she eats away at my temper and gets under my skin so badly sometimes. We have always this unspeakable connection, this innate understanding and awareness of each other. We butt heads, argue, fight, scream at each other, protect each other, we hurt each other, but we are two halves of a whole in the simplest way.
I could have lost her today and that thought steals every breath from my body. At that moment I look up and connect her worried eyes. As I get closer to her, silent words pass between us. With ym eyes I let her know that I am ok.
"How is the baby?" I hear her say.
"Great" I say on a slow expulsion of breath that conveys my relief and happiness.
That sound that emanates from my throat doesn't sound like my voice but it is. So many emotions are coursing through my veins right now: terror, relief, anguish, panic, happiness, and love. Love? Really? But for whom my partner, or my wife? I really don't know anymore, the line is so hazy. Looking at Olivia, I can see she is still wearing the shirt that bears the blood from my son's birth. God she is beautiful, still smiling after the hell she has been through today. I start past her, the knowledge that she will follow is a given. I have paperwork to do and four other children to check on and fill them in on the day's events. I have to tell them about their new brother and mom. Turning the corner the thought hits me again that I could have lost her. The truck could have come from the other side and Olivia could have died. It is crippling to know and realize that without her I lose a vital piece of myself. I spin around in time to catch her as she plows into me. I look into her eyes a split second before I pull her into my arms. Can she see it? Does she already know what I am only beginning to realize?
Drinking in the scent that is uniquely Olivia, I try desperately to convince myself that she is ok while trying to bleed into her all that I am feeling through this simple embrace. She is standing so rigidly in my arms right now. I can feel her questioning me. She is silently asking me why I am doing this, why am I breaking the unspoken rule. We don't touch, it is a line we have never crossed and for this reason. We both knew that if it ever happened the effects would be devastating and they are. She fits in my arms, almost as though she were made for them. She slides her hands up to my hips and it makes me shiver. Her touch is calming, reassuring, and hypnotic.
Bringing my mouth down next to her ear I slowly start trying to work out the words I need so desperately to say at this moment. Which ones do I use? I don't know. There aren't any words to accurately describe what I am feeling at this moment. I feel some forming and as I try to say them my mouth goes dry. Nothing comes out but an incoherent mumble on a breath. Her fingers flex. She knows I am trying to say something and is encouraging me to say them. Closing my mouth I gather my wits and the words.
"You're ok" come out on a heavy breath as a shudder rips down my spine.
I hear her breath hitch and I feel her body go limp. Her arms come up and around me and she clings to me like a lifeline. Her body is starting to melt into mine. Lord, she is perfect. She fits in a way Kathy never has. Home, I feel like I have finally come home. She knows what I am trying to say without me speaking a word and I feel her responding to me. She telling me what we have never and can never put into words. She needs me too and in this moment, she is telling me. I cannot tell where I end and she begins. We are slowly melting each other. She is me and I am her.
This changes everything. Now that I know how it feels to hold her can I ever go back to how it was before? I know in my heart that I can never just be Olivia Bensons partner again but for the sake of my newborn son and wife I have to try. How do I deny what my subconscious knew all along? I don't want to let go. I want to hold her. I need to hold her. Damning god for this cruel twist of fate my mind screams silent questions into the air. Why Olivia and why now? Why couldn't I just live in ignorance of never knowing what it feels like to have this level of completion? To hold it in my arms and feel so at peace? My body starts making demands that I can't indulge so with one last reluctant squeeze I set her away from me.
Never missing a beat she shoots me a beaming smile. She makes things so easy. Her eyes are bright and sparkling as she looks into mine. Sometimes I swear she can see straight to my soul.
Mustering a grin when I don't particularly have it in me I begin the banter that defines our relationship.
"Kathy wants to name the baby after me" I say smiling softly as I think of newborn son.
"Great! That's just what the world needs, another Elliot Stabler." She snorts on a laugh.
Whirling around I know I have startled her because she backs up. I am helpless to stop the anger flowing through my veins right now.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean Liv?" I let out on a low growl.
" Back off Stabler, I am not in the mood to deal with your alter ego. I am getting a cab and going home. In case you have forgotten I saved two lives today." She flips back as she stalks past me and out of the door to hail a cab.
I watch her retreating form with some form of irritation and then it hits me, it all makes sense. I love her! Oh god I love her like hell and she can never know!
