I stared at the ceiling, not wanting to get up. What for? I would just pretend that everything is okay, that I'm not miserable, that I'm not lost. But I'm done with pretending, I'm tired of having to be the strong one, why can't I just take off and leave. After all it was my brother the one who died, but everyone expects so high of me, I am 'the good brother' but that tittle means nothing when it is just me. Because life means nothing when you have absolutely no one to care about.
No one seems to understand, it feels like everyone is allowed to grieve but me. Like everyone expects me to be okay, but I'm not okay, my brother just died, he's gone, he has moved on and left me here. Even after all he did, he was still my brother, and as much as I hated him at times, the thought of killing him never even crossed my mind, because I knew that even after all Damon did, I couldn't live without him.
I could imagine what he would say if he saw right now
"Everything on this planet is not your fault. My actions, what I do, it's not your fault. I own them"
But that didn't change the fact that I missed my brother
I sat outside on the long hallway of our home, I stared at the room that just a couple days ago had been my mother's.
That was now part of my routine, I would observe it for hours, hoping that one morning she will come out, and that all this had been a lie. Damon said it was useless, that mother was gone, but I refused to lose hope, after all, mother promised me she would never ever leave me, and no one should break promises.
I heard loud noises coming from the room me and Damon shared.
I didn't like that, Damon had been acting weird lately, he was kind of scaring me. Since mother fell into the 'deep sleep' Damon had been sad, and quiet. I tried to cheer him up, but he just smiles sadly and then he turns away.
I ran down the hallway, feeling the cold floor under my feet. The noise kept growing louder and louder, until suddenly it stopped. Which worried me even more, I ran faster, until finally I reached the door.
I snuck my small head through the tiny gap between the door. I saw Damon sitting in the middle of the room, his head in between his knees.
I furrowed my eyebrows, I was confused. "What are you doing?"
He turned to me, surprised to see me standing there. He cleared his throat before answering "Um, nothing. It's okay Stefan" he said, his voice sounded thick, and weird, like I've never heard it before. As he raised his head I noticed his cheeks were wet, and there were tears in his eyes. But that couldn't be, Damon doesn't cry, never.
Our room was a mess, things were scattered all over, he had punched the wall, leaving a hole, and many broken things lay on the floor, but they seemed perfect compared to my brother, he was truly broken, probably beyond fixing.
And I had been right, Damon was never the same after that. The sweet, caring, joyful person he once was, died that same day, and no matter how hard I tried to get that person back, I failed.
I walked slowly towards him, as if I might scare him away, becauseā¦I might. I didn't know what to do, whenever Damon was upset, mother would cheer him up, she would talk to him and everything would be okay. But mother wasn't here anymore, it was up to me.
I sat down next to him, trying to put my words together. "Damon?"
I heard him sigh "It's okay, Stefan. I'm okay, you can leave" he said quietly, obviously not wanting me here, but I wouldn't leave.
"What happened?" He didn't answer. I placed my small hands on his head, making him lift his head up. Tears continued to fall. "What happened?" I repeated.
"Grown up problems, Stefan" Damon said before looking away.
I looked at my brother, I was scared. What could have happened that made him this upset. He always told me everything, and now he didn't want to.
I looked down "I'm scared, Damon" I said quietly. He softened his expression, but he still refused to look at me, had I done something?
"I'm scared too" Damon said, and those words were enough to make me panic. Damon knew everything, he was the strongest and smartest person, if he was scared then I should obviously be too.
I smiled at that. Ever since we were little, I've always admired Damon, I would always tell him, that I had been given the best brother in the world, I just wished I had said so more often. Now it was too late, and all the unsaid words that I was left with, were now trapped inside my mind, never to be said.
He looked at my frightened expression, his blue eyes searching for my green ones. We stood there in silence, neither one of us had the right words.
"Father left Stefan" Damon suddenly said. I was confused, what did he mean?
"What does that mean?" I heard Damon sigh.
It meant my father was a bastard, he had left both of his sons completely alone. Damon was 14, I was 7, and my father just left without warning. I understood that my mother was the love of his life, and I understood how painful it must have been, but that doesn't justify it. Nothing does, and nothing ever will.
I looked at Damon's pained expression. "I'm alone now. That's what it means"
I raised my small hand to wipe a single tear from his cheek. He looked at me sadly, but smiled. Watching him smile was like a miracle these days, he never did so anymore.
"You're not alone Damon, I'm still here. And I won't leave, we have each other, that's what matters" That's what mother always used to say. She said that one day after everyone was gone we would only have each other, but I never expected that to be so soon.
What she never thought through was, what about when he was gone too, what did I have left then?
