Chapter 1
Nii-chan… just when I think I can't take anymore, Usagi-san leaves me as well.
Why? Why would he leave me like this? What happened to us?
He's been gone for so long. How many days now? I haven't been able to keep track of the days for months. It feels like he's been gone for years.
I remember lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, tears streaming down my face. This is the usual routine for me anymore. It is also normal for Usagi-san to sit down or lie next to me. He'll comfort me by saying sweet words to me and hold me as I cry.
Per the routine, he walked into my room and sat next to me on the bed. His eyes were bloodshot and his hair even messier than usual. He looked at me for several minutes before he finally spoke.
"I have to leave for a bit, Misaki," he said. "I have to go to Marukawa and meet with Aikawa-san."
Aikawa-san… sweet, sweet Aikawa-san. She brought me so many gifts after Nii-chan's death. She was always so good to me and Usagi-san. I hadn't seen her recently. She probably got sick of my depression.
I looked closer at Usagi-san's face through my blurry vision. His eyes were tired. His face seemed to sag. In fact, his whole body seemed to be limp. Was he sleeping?
Of course he hadn't been sleeping. He stayed by my side, comforting me, whenever I was awake. He said that he worked while I was sleeping. If I had a nightmare, he dropped everything and ran to me. He wouldn't leave my side.
I was scared when he said he had to leave for a little bit. I didn't know how long he'd be gone. What if I had another nightmare? What if I couldn't stop crying long enough to take a breath? What if something happened to Usagi-san?
I must have started crying harder because Usagi-san lied down and wrapped me up in his big, strong arms. I hid my face in his feathery, silver hair. I breathed in his scent. I couldn't find the strength to lift my arms and hug him back.
"Misaki, I promise I won't be gone long," he whispered lovingly into my ear. "I wouldn't leave you if this wasn't absolutely necessary. I'll be back before you know it."
He pulled away slightly and looking into my eyes. He took his cold fingers and wiped away the tears from my cheeks. I flinched at his touch.
Why? Why do I flinch and pull away whenever he touches me anymore?
"Misaki…" It almost sounded like a whimper.
He bent back down to kiss me. I felt his lips on my own. They were warm and gentle against my cold, unmoving ones. I couldn't kiss him back.
Why? Why can't I kiss me or respond to him anymore?
It's not that I don't want to.
I want to kiss him.
I want to hold him.
I want to be intimate with him again.
He pulled away and I could see the pain in his eyes. I've only seen that look a few times before: when Nii-chan announced his engagement, when Nii-chan was going to take me to live with him again, and when Nii-chan was murdered. Each time, that look broke my heart.
I felt my heart crack even more than it already was. More tears began to fall.
Usagi-san didn't say another word. He got off the bed and left. I waited until I heard the front door click shut to start sobbing.
That was the last time I saw him, Nii-chan.
It makes me sick to think that we ended on such bad terms.
It makes me sick to think that I drove him away.
It makes me sick to realize how much pain I caused him.
I make myself sick.
Now here I am: days, weeks, months, later. All alone. Still grieving for all I have lost.
No… for all I've killed and driven away.
Usagi-san left me. He was tired of see me in pain. He was tired of spending all his time trying to make me happy. He was tired of being hurt by me. He was tired of me… I had become troublesome for Usagi-san…
Nii-chan, it hurts so bad…
The only thing I can think to do is sleep, but I know the nightmares will just wake me up. I'm tired of all the nightmares. I just want to sleep.
I carefully crawl out of bed and slowly meander to the bathroom. I have to lean against the walls so I don't fall over. I'm too weak from never moving. My back and my legs are killing me. My knees won't stop shaking.
I know Usagi-san keeps sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet. He got a bottle for me after Nii-chan died. I would stay up all night crying about how it was my fault that he died. Usagi-san knew I had to sleep, so he got a prescription for a high dose of sleeping pills. I took those for a few days. After that, I didn't need them. I slept all the time after that, when I wasn't troubled by the nightmares.
I finally stumble into the bathroom. The floor is so cold… I open the medicine cabinet and pull out the bottle of pills. My hands are shaking like crazy. It takes me a few tries to open the child-proof lid. When it finally opens, pills fly everywhere. I don't even care. I pick up a few and pop them in my mouth. They hurt going down. In fact, my whole throat hurts.
I stick the bottle of pills in my pocket and make my way downstairs. I hug the walls again and cling to the railing on the stairway. I finally make it to the kitchen and get myself a glass of water. My hands are still shaking and water spills everywhere. I drink the entire glass in one sitting, the water filling up my empty stomach.
I begin to make the long journey back upstairs to bed. I felt tired already. I wasn't sure if it was the sleeping pills, the stress of Usagi-san leaving and everything else, or the exhausting trips up and down the stairs. I crawl back into bed, thankful that I made it without falling. If I were to fall, I don't think I'd have the energy to get back up.
Nii-chan… I can't sleep.
I feel so tired but I can't fall asleep.
I'm scared of being alone.
I'm scared of the nightmares coming back.
I'm scared of Usagi-san never coming back.
I start to cry again and reach into my pocket. I need more pills. Just a few more will put me to sleep. I need to get away from all this, just for a little while.
I down a few more pills and set the bottle down on the stand beside me. I wipe away the tears again and pray for sleep to come. Maybe these pills will keep my nightmares away too. Maybe they'll keep me in such a deep sleep that I won't dream at all.
My eyelids finally droop and my brain shuts down. I finally go to sleep.
"Usagi-san… I love you."
Usagi-san looks shocked, but happy. We're in the ferris wheel where I first confessed my love to him. We're wearing the same clothes as that day. I get up and sit beside him, reassuring him that he never once forced me to do anything. He grabs my hand and doesn't say a word. His hand is warm, not cold like usual.
Suddenly, the scene fads and I'm standing in oblivion. Usagi-san stands before me, looking angrier than ever. His face is red and his arms are crossed. His whole body seems tense. The first thing I think is 'Who made you so mad, Usagi-san?'
"I hate you," he says.
What? I look up at him.
"I hate you," he repeats. "You ruined my life. You have become a troublesome existence. Not just for me, but for Takahiro too. You should be ashamed of yourself."
He turns his back on me and shatters into pieces. Then the pieces are blown away by the wind. The air is cold.
"USAGI-SAN!" I scream.
Where did he go?
Why does he hate me?
What did I do to him?
Why? Why? Why?
I wake up screaming. Tears are pouring from my eyes. My whole body is shaking violently as I sob.
Nii-chan… I made Usagi-san leave me.
I'd rather leave than be left...
What did I ever do to deserve this?
I spend hours crying. My tears never seem to dry up. I haven't cried this hard since the day Nii-chan died. Or have I spent more time crying now?
Sleep… I just want to sleep.
I quickly reach over and take a few more pills. I lie back down and sob some more. Soon, I feel drained. My eyelids feel heavy again. Somehow, I feel good. I stop sobbing and welcome the new, comforting feeling. The pills are dragging me back down to sleep.
I fall asleep, thinking about Usagi-san holding me tight and whispering my name in his usual husky tone.
"Misaki…"
