A/N. Well.. This is the first chapter where we start to get a feeling of what Kougyoku goes through. The time frame is set before the Magnostadt arc, after Kougyoku and Hakuryuu return to the Kou empire. This chapter is all Kougyoku's pov and the next will focus on Judal. I'll try to make them have a turn, we'll see how it will work out.

Constructive criticism is always welcomed, tell me if there was something you did not like.

Disclaimer : I do not own Magi. But Christmas are coming up so…

Chapter One.

Descend the shades of madness.

She loved the rain.

It calmed her like nothing could and helped her escape the loneliness. Even before Vinea dwelled in the furthest part of her mind, Kougyoku loved it. The gentle raindrops fell on her windows, blocking her clear view to the outside (free) world, altering and distorting it. Cleansing it. The princess smiled bitterly. The distorted world the rains offered her seemed, at times, much more preferable than the clear world of the hot blazing sun. At least in her rainy world she would not be the only oddity.

Sighing and rubbing gently her temples, Kougyoku tried in vain to fight down another one of her raging headaches (and heartaches). Lately her moods were getting… weird. She had yet to confide to anyone about this, not ever her dear Ka Kobun because she thought that maybe, in her trip to Sindria, she had unwittingly caught a cold. However, here she was a month later and if anything, her headaches have steadily been getting worse. It was a cause for concern, for various reasons, but she hated bringing even the slightest trouble to her beloved older brother, especially since he still had a lot of things going on with the war and on top of that the death of the Emperor... Kougyoku stilled. My father she willed herself to think. "My father" she spoke, quietly. Such a foreign world, it felt odd falling from her lips. It felt wrong.

I am the Kou's empire eighth imperial princess, she hissed in her mind. It is my rightful position dammit. "What do I fear so much?"

Of course no one answered her, save for the continuous thump inside her mind. It was getting so hard to concentrate these days with this constant buzzing in her head that seemed to be causing her sleep difficulties amongst all the others. The princess looked somberly at her mirror, the telltale bags under her eyes reminding her of countless nights spend awake in fear of what her dreams would bring.

The dreams. Filled only with violence and blood, she absolutely loathed them and her mind for making them up. They terrified her. Because in all of them the end was the same. Death.

Kouen's death.

Traitorous whispers from a honey toned voice that seemed familiar moved her hands to the dagger hiding inside her robes. A voice, maybe her own, she cannot tell even this much anymore, calls him for attention. Kouen smiles at her, that heartwarming, gentle smile that reminds her she is not all alone. However something more sinister paints this loving face she's known all her life into darker, crueler lines and she tries, she tries so hard to change it but the answer to his extended arms is always the same.

Kougyoku wakes screaming the moment her dagger buries itself deep inside her brother's heart.

The first time this happened she could not look at anyone straight in the eye, for she feared they knew. By the time she met her beloved brother in flesh, she could not stand even being in the same room with him without her throat instinctively chocking up at the smell of his blood that her mind supplied her with. So vivid, so real. Almost waiting to happen.

Kougyoku had fled the meetings with the other generals that discussed the wars, even if the moment she stepped out of the room, the buzzing in her head grew almost murderous in its intensity and she was forced to crawl on her hands and knees before an appalled Ka Kobun rushed to her aid. Kouen would ask her later, but all he would get from her would be a tight pained smile and an excuse of woman matters. She'd laugh at his rare show of embarrassment but she'd know deep in her heart that this time he just let her have an excuse. He hadn't offered her a comforting touch and she hadn't asked. Kougyoku had the feeling she never would, again.

Something was wrong with her. Something wasn't quite right inside her mind and it terrified her, even if she had not talked to anyone about it, seeing as the only person who considered her a friend (her heart clenches and she chokes but she should be used to it) was too far away from her. She feared and wished she had someone to confide in, but in here, where the court wars were almost as feral as the actual battlefields, she did not dare to even utter the notion of killing Kouen passing through her mind, because the end would always be the same.

Treachery.

At time like these, Kougyoku wished she could speak to Aibaba. He was the only one she completely trusted with everything she had and she was sure his gentle eyes would never condemn or ridicule her. But Alibaba was far away, for all she knew he could be locked away in the same kingdom with the other man she trusted implicitly.

Sinbad.

His name brought her a rueful smile and immediate comfort. It made her feel warm inside, not unlike the feeling she has learned to associate with her dear Alibaba and yet, it was in no shape the same. Her feelings for the Sindria king, are (were) far more… intense in some ways and she would never, could never, forget the warmth of his palms, the smooth expanse of his bare chest as it gently moved in accordance to his breaths, the beauty of his muscles, all but a touch away.. Had she not been so afraid, so ashamed, (a whore's daughter following the steps of her mother) would she have dared to..? No, she laughs bitterly.

Kougyoku, for all her status, has never touched anything she truly desired.

Even so, even if her feelings and trust of Sinbad remained unwavering, there is something in her mind, bothering her, making her anxious and uneasy. Something honey toned and smooth and deep, coaxing her mind and body into temptation of the gravest forms of sin.

Coaxing her into protecting Sindria. To fight for its safety and ensure no harm is done to the beloved kingdom, even if it costs her life.

Even if it costs the life of a most beloved brother.

She has never allowed terror to grasp her heart. Not in the dungeon of Vinea, because there was Ka Kobun (because He was there), not in the courts were her sisters and step mother were trying to eat her alive (because He is always there, ruby eyes mocking and belittling as they were he always made a point to force her attentions to him and no one else), for in her world to be afraid is to be dead. (To be afraid is to be without Him)

Judal, this kingdom's magi had zeroed in on her, gave her power to protect herself, from assassin's to being stripped of her status, securing her position and giving her hell. Forever following her around, making her feel worse than anyone could yet also stronger. Better.

Judal Judal Judal. Even his mere name stilled the noise in her head, filling it with apprehension. Why?

Something is so very wrong, something that should be only hers feels violated and used and for the first time she is unsure of what she feels and what she thinks, as though she cannot quite understand her own limbs and what it is they are doing. She feels a prisoner inside her own mind, her feeling fluctuating wildly and violently, in complete contrast with her thoughts and actions and the one man that always stills the chaos surrounding her cannot reach her here and grasp her firmly and she dare not confide in him, because he is crueler than life itself.

Judal won't stand having his time wasted on mere headaches and girlish angst, because the extent of his protection ends when one of his kings is not threatened to get taken away from him. Kougyoku supposes that even if she descended into lunacy, Vinea would still be usable and a crazed Kougyoku might entertain Judal enough to make him keep her around.

Some part of her mind rebels against the notion of such cruel thoughts, but even before this she had never believed in the worth others may see in her.

Kougyoku feels as though she is losing her mind and for the first time she is so very afraid.