Inheritance Character Correction University
By Kaldaka
Chapter 2- Cowards, Classes, and Indecision
"All right," Celia said, looking down at the mass of characters sitting at the tables in front of her. "I suppose you understand what's happening?" Her voice was hopeful, but tinged with early defeatism not that that really counts, you know, but being the Author, I deserve to stick such things in once in a while.
Naturally, the roar of words that erupted from the tables had nothing to do with understanding, but rather complete un-understanding which isn't a word, but quite an interesting thing to think about.
"Well then, let me explain." She took a deep breath, looked around her in almost anguish, and then plunged in. "Over what will seem to you the next few years, but will really be a blink of time for Christopher Paolini, you will be staying here and taking classes on characterization. This will help your author immensely. The purple prose will have to be dealt with by- well, it will be dealt with." I'd say she smiled grimly, but that would be clichéd, wouldn't it? Besides, she didn't really, she more like looked sadistic. Poor characters. "Your schedules will be handed out to you in a moment. All villains, sit at the black tables. All heroes/good guys sit at the yellow tables, and all undecided at the green tables." She turned around and looked at Albus Dumbledore, grinning. "It was a good idea to have the hero tables painted yellow," she said happily.
"Yes," he agreed cheerfully. "That was definitely a good call." Behind them the first taunts of 'yellow bellied cowards' had begun.
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"Where are the Middle Earth people?" Celia said impatiently. Beside her, McGonagall shrugged. The two bore a rather surprising resemblance. Well, not really that surprising, since they are quite alike. You know.
"What does Security think of the new students?" McGonagall asked dryly.
"I think," said a cheerful voice behind them, "that they are nincompoops." Celia turned and surveyed the teenage girl behind her.
"You dyed your hair again?" she asked disapprovingly.
"Hey, I warned you when you picked me up! Now that my mom can't tell me not to, I full intend to." She shrugged and sat down on the step. Behind the aviator sunglasses her eyes were intently watching the yard. She sprang up again in a moment. Much too active a girl, I mean really! "They're coming out by the Whomping Willow!" she yelled. Brandishing a wok, she was followed by Celia and McGonagall, who both looked rather startled at the wok's sudden appearance. But the girl outdistanced them rather easily, and was whacking the Willow as Gandalf strolled out of a shimmering patch.
One by one others came out- Legolas, Arwen, Elrond, Faramir, Aragorn, Gimli, Eowyn, Boromir, Frodo, Sam, Sauron, Morgoth, Galadriel, several others- and a few random elves. Celia frowned at this latest addition. Last came Treebeard.
The wokking girl skipped backwards out of the Willow's reach and turned to grin at the newest arrivals.
"Hello!" she said cheerfully. "I'm Miss Kelly, Head of Security. You can call me Miss Kell." She stuck out her hand and shook Gandalf's hand vigorously. He looked at her in what would in any other person have been called alarm. She sported deep purple streaks in dark brown hair, outlandish bronze aviator sunglasses, and silver hoop earrings that Legolas privately thought would count among some of the easier of his targets.
"Hmmm…. What were you hitting the tree with?" Gimli asked.
"A wok."
"Do you use any other weapons?"
"Sporks, reality, good books, and canon-ness." She grinned happily.
"Mmmm…." Gandalf murmured non-commitally. I would do the same thing. Not an ordinary girl at all.
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Back at the castle, things weren't going too well. The bad guys had decided the good guys, and the inbetween guys were caught- well, inbetween- and it looked like all hell had broken loose. Not having a hell, obviously this would confuse the Inheritance Elves. So Kell rephrased it in her head to the elves satisfaction. Not that she cared, of course.
"QUIET!" she roared. Nothing happened. She turned and looked at Dumbledore helplessly, who looked at Gandalf, who nodded. Together they muttered something and a huge dragon of fireworks erupted from the far end of the room, changing to sparkles when the called-for quiet ensued.
"I'm Kelly, Head of Security. Most people call me Kell. And that's Miss Kell to y'all. Now, this is what I can't stand." She cleared her throat, pulled out a piece of parchment from one of her many pockets, and read, "Kiss-ups." Pausing, she glared at them all. "You try that, it's Filch detention first time, Snape detention second, and me detention third."
Still silence.
"Bullies. Wimps." She glanced down the list and finished rapidly. "Ambush attempts. Glomping attempts. And no inter-world romances." She glared pointedly at Arya, who had been practically drooling ever since Legolas came in and smiled at her. Then she cleared her throat again. "Finally, all murder attempts will be given the Ultimate DOOM Punishment. That goes for everyone- good guys, bad guys- even you undecideds." She waited for amoment and then beamed at them all. "I probably left a lot out, but that will do to start with. Good luck." As she stepped back, she muttered, "You're going to need it." Celia came forward.
"Now I'll introduce your teachers." One by one, she beckoned up the teachers and introduced them. Once she was finally finished, she said, "All the other people are here to help you generally. Please file out the doors now. Villains black door. Undecideds, green door, heroes, yellow door. There you will pick up your schedule and find your House Prefects, who will lead you to your Common Room." There was a mad rush for the doors. Celia turned to Gandalf and Dumbledore.
"It's going to be a long summer," the two men said together. There was a tiny pause before each roared out "Jinx!"
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"Galba-galba- Galbatorix!" Eragon yelled. Slowly, the Evil Emperor turned.
"What?" he hissed.
"What classes have you got?"
"Evil 101 with Sauron, Voldemort and Morgoth. History 101 with Dumbledore, Elrond and Faramir. Fighting & Magic 101 with Assorted Characters. What have you got?"
"Same as you, only I've got Heroism 101 instead of Evil 101. Heroism is taught by-" he squinted. "Harry Potter and Assorted LotR Characters." Arya strolled up, a wicked grin on her face.
"I've got Indecisiveness 101 with Snape, Malfoy, Gollum/Smeagol, and Wormtongue," she said informatively.
"Arya," Eragon breathed, legs turning to jelly. That was when Aragorn came up.
"Look, you," he hissed, grabbing Eragon's shirt and backing him up against the wall, "I don't know what your problem is, but from now on, it's not going to be stealing my name and trying to be a carbon copy of me. In a duel, I'd win any day. From now on, you'd better start answering to Bob." Aragorn started to turn away.
"But I don't like that name," Eragon protested.
He woke up the next morning still rather dazed. It was a while before he thought to wonder what Arya was doing in the undecided camp.
