Author's Note
Brilliant people! Thanks for reading! Here's the second letter. After the first initial, the plot will begin to pick up.
Erin x
Dear Doctor,
I've been so busy as of late. I have officially been trapped in this parallel universe for two months, and Dr. Howell says I'm nine weeks along in my pregnancy. I've began to build myself a life here because I reckon that I am never going to see you again. I applied for a position at the Torchwood in this universe, and I figure that since I know a thing or two about aliens after all the traveling we did I might actually go someplace with this job. Pete has actually taken over the district I work in (Torchwood London), and since he knows about the baby, I'm confined to the office until Dr. Howell finishes his tests to figure out just what I'm carrying. Sometimes I'm not fit to work, so I understand Pete's caution when it comes to field work and other things. I don't mind it, though, because I refuse to risk our baby, Doctor. For now, my life is passing by in a blur: I see Dr. Howell twice a week about the baby, I'm with my therapist every Thursday afternoon, and the rest of the time is spent in the Torchwood offices.
I've gotten so wrapped up in making a life for myself to fill the void you left that I've found myself slipping away from you. I don't want to move on. You know how your absence is affecting me, but I wonder how you're handling the separation. Are you trying to find a way back to me, Doctor? You know, I worry about you a lot. You're in the TARDIS, traveling across all of time and space all alone without any one to hold your hand. I was supposed to be with you forever…
I still remember when I knew I was going to stay with you forever.
It was shortly after our visit to New Earth when you took me to some nameless planet in some faraway galaxy on the other end of the universe, and… oh, it was beautiful, Doctor. We spent all day walking through a maze with roses as blue as the sky, daises as black as the farthest corner of the universe, and laurels with light yellow petals fanned out in a circle as they reached towards the light of the planet's three suns. The water of the bay was crystal-clear, and majestic rock formations danced over the horizon in the far east. And when the night finally came, the tulips would glow under the moonlight. You took my hand, interlacing our fingers, and pointed up at the sky. And as we watched stars shoot across the dark canvas above us, I leaned against you, and you smiled and embraced me tightly.
It was that moment I realized I had fallen in love with you.
I knew I was too far gone, and it was to hard to believe in the possibility that it could one day end. "The stuff of legend"—you and me—and, in my mind, it was always going to be that way. I had reached a point of no return, and it scared me because I knew that if I ever did lose you, I wouldn't know how to live. I was so deeply and desperately in love with you, Doctor, that I was afraid to let you know because I didn't want to get hurt. There was no doubt in my mind that I would stay with you forever. I would never leave you. That was a promise I knew I never could possibly break.
It took a parallel universe to separate us, Doctor. I wish that could count for something. I didn't break my promise; I didn't leave you because of my own freewill. I came back when you sent me away. I held on when you wanted me to let go. I stayed when you told me to go.
I meant what I told you. I made my choice a long time ago, and I'm never going to leave you. When those exact words rolled off my tongue, I watched your eyes widen in disbelief, and I swore I could hear your hearts stuttering and stammering as you tried to process my promise. You had lost so much already so much, Doctor, and I just wanted to give you something to keep. I would have given you my heart if I could.
I was working up to it—especially after that night following Krop Tor—but then came Torchwood, the Ghosts, and those stupid Cybermen and Daleks… I just wanted you, Doctor. After that night, I was going to tell you that I loved you (I still love you... I think I will always love you).
By that time, though, there were so many things going on in our lives that it was hard to set aside a time to discuss what exactly happened between us. It's just like that now a days. I'm never home—I never had time to myself. It's Torchwood, my health, or the baby. I'm not arguing, though, Doctor, because it lessens the hazards in my life. There's no way for me to get into trouble with my schedule… Not that I would risk it in the first place. I don't want anything to happen to this baby; it's the only piece of you I have left. However, it doesn't prevent the complications that come with pregnancy.
Have you ever been inside a doctor's office (mind you, a medical doctor)? I've never been claustrophobic, but when Dr. Howell looms over me as he checks my vitals, I can't help but hold my breath and pray that I'd get out of here soon. I just lay back on the bed, the paper crinkling with each movement I make, and hope that the baby is alright. Every time I step into his office, my heart is hammering too fast in my chest that I fear it will jump right out. I'm scared, Doctor.
I don't know if you ever experienced a human pregnancy, but it's common knowledge that the mother's body adapts itself in order to provide for the child. The last two weeks my body has been trying to regulate its internal temperature; one minute I could be shivering and the next sweating up a storm. Dr. Howell tells me that the baby's body temperature is lower than a normal human's, so I'm trying to provide a stable environment for the baby to thrive in. It's basically touch-and-go from here, Dr. Howell says. From this point on, I'm classified as a high-risk pregnancy.
I don't need any more news to add to the ever-growing list of Things That Are Going Wrong. First of all, you're not here: that's problem number one. Secondly, the baby is becoming quite difficult to deal with, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Then there are the paparazzi, following my every turn, waiting for me to come out into the open so they can make my life their personal storybook.
Adopting the role as Pete and Jackie's long-lost daughter put me in the media's spotlight as the heiress to the Vitex Empire. The tabloids went ballistic, considering that I had been unknown to the public up till now. They're calling me the late mistake of the 80s. When they find out I'm pregnant, I will have little to no privacy in my life, and that's not the environment I can raise my baby in. What happens if they're more Gallifreyan than human on the outside? They will never have a normal life, and I can't take them away in a magical machine and hide them throughout time and space. I don't have that. We don't have you.
For now, it's a secret from everyone. No one other than Pete, Mickey, Jake, and Mum know the truth… And from you, I suppose. Once upon a time, I didn't think it was possible for me to keep a secret. When I was younger, Mickey had a crush on this sweet girl named Lauren Johnson; he would go on and on about her golden hair and brilliant, blue eyes. At the time, I had developed a little crush on Mickey, and envy became a prominent part of my twelve-year-old life. I tried to change everything I was in order to gain his attention; I convinced my mum to dye my hair blonde and began to wear makeup, but nothing was good enough for Mickey. When it didn't work, I ended up spilling the beans to Lauren herself about Mickey's faint obsession. I never knew what happened between the two of them, but Mickey and I went our separate ways for six months after he found out what I had done.
I was never good at keeping secrets, Doctor. I always kept my mouth shut around you, though, because I didn't think you were ready to hear it. Every time I got close, you pushed me away. I didn't think it was possible for us to keep secrets from one another, but I kept the biggest secret of them all… I was falling in love with you.
When you realize you're in love with someone, Doctor, it changes your entire life. You're so caught up in this person that you won't even acknowledge anyone else (and I hope that someday, even though Mickey forgave me a long time ago, I can find the heart to forgive myself). Everyone around you knows though, and they try to make plausible excuses for you as you change because being in love affects the very core of who you are. When you're in love, it doesn't matter where you go or where you end up so long as this person is by your side.
Doctor, if there is one thing you remember me for, please remember me as the girl who loved you wholly and was willing to spend forever with you. If that's the most important thing I did for you, don't let it go. Just remember that night and keep it close to your hearts.
Please, always, remember me, Doctor,
Rose Tyler
