Envy wouldn't call his hatred of the blond unhealthy. But even if it was, why should he care? His entire life was the apidomy of 'unhealthy.' Look at his family, his friends. Well, he actually only had two friends, but that's not the point. The point is that even if his hatred was unhealthy, it didn't bother him in the slightest.

Maybe it was his pure hatred that drew him to the sounds of Edward's screaming. Maybe it was curiosity. Maybe it was because the boy was a sacrifice, meaning he needed to live until the promised day. Or maybe it was pure, sadistic pleasure. But whatever the reason, he followed the sound down the hall to none other than Colonel Roy Mustang's office. And that's where he stopped short.

"Oh Fullmetal, I was so worried about you!" Roy cried, clinging to the disheveled blond. "I thought you'd been kidnapped again!"

"What the hell? I was gone for less than five minutes!" Ed yelled, probably deafening the obviously stone out of his mind Colonel.

Envy watched the scene unfold before him. Mustang's subordinate lobbed onto the old General (who just happened to be there). The paper crown on her head fell to the ground, probably forgotten. He found it very amusing that Roy was still rambling about Ed being kidnapped, and that two of the Colonel's idiots were bowing at the blond's feet. Of course, he didn't listen to Havoc and General Grumman's conversation. Because why would he care about them when he could watch the object of his hatred suffer?

He held back laughter when Mustang suddenly threw Ed over his shoulder and took off down the hall. He was shouting something about hiding the pipsqueak's secret (human transmutation if Envy had to guess). Grumman lead the rest of Mustang's squad away from the room, probably to the infirmary.

Now that everyone was gone, Envy walked into the office. It was a wreck. Cut up paper covered the desks and floor. Several blankets were scattered across the floor. Hawkeye's fallen crown lay beside his feet (or under, but does it really matter). There was a random chair at the front of the room which reminded him of Father's throne. A broom lay next to it. Dark crumbs were mashed into the carpet, probably crushed under heavy boots. And on the table rested an innocent looking plate of brownies.

Envy laid stretched out on his bed, nude. He was rarely nude in this form and had really been missing it. It felt nice to just let everything hang loose for a change. But then a sudden and horrifying thought occurred to him. What if the soldiers back at Eastern Headquarters knew who he was? They were smart, smarter than the Centeral soldiers and certainly smarter than the MPs. And there were so few people here. Everybody knew everybody and they were bound to notice that something was wrong.

His eyes grew to the size of dinner plates at this sudden realization. What if they were watching him right now? What if they were taking pictures of his naked body to show the other homunculi? What if they showed them to Greed? He transformed a suit onto his body and stared eating another brownie. Take that bastards, he thought triumphantly.

Then another thought occurred to him. What if they'd found a way to kill him? And what if the only way it would work was if he was wearing a suit? No, he thought to himself. That's just stupid. He shook his head and ate another brownie.

He shot up suddenly and shouted, "Unless that's what they want me to think!" He quickly turned his clothes back to normal and began pacing, still eating the brownies. "What if they capture me?" He said frantically. "What if they torture me and learn about Wrath's identity? What if they learn about what happened in Xerxes? What if they learn about Ishval? What if they already know about Ishval? OH MY GOSH! THEY ALREADY KNOW ABOUT ISHVAL! Those cunning bastards. They've already figured it all out, haven't they? They probably already know that it was me who gave that speech on sexual harassment in the North last year because Father needed Wrath's help with something. They probably even know what that something was, even though I don't. Those cunning bastards."

He paused in his ranting, pacing, and eating and stared dramitcally at the phone. If this was a television show, dramatic music would probably be playing to express the seriousness of this moment. He jumped forward and grabbed the phone before any of the ninja those cunning bastards had hired could grab it first. He quickly dialed the number he knew by heart and then waited impatiently for someone to pick up. Didn't those idiots know that the cunning bastards' ninja could cut the phone line?

"Hello?" He heard his younger brother say.

"Oh Wrath, its so good to hear your voice!" he cried in pure joy.

"Why did you call Envy? You do realize that this is a military line?" The youngest homunculus said, sounding irritate.

"Cut the crap Wrath. I called to warn you. Those cunning bastards know." He whispered the last part so that said cunning bastards wouldn't hear.

"What are you talking about Envy?"

"The bastards!" the elder homunculi yelled. "They know! They know everything! They know about you and me and the sexual harassment speech last year!" He dropped his voice back to a whisper. "They know everything."

"And how," Wrath began, "would they know?"

"Because they've been watching us! And they know everything!"

"Yes, you've said this."

"But that's not all!" He yelled. "They also know how to kill us with one blow. I don't know how yet, but we have to be wearing a suit for it to work. So don't worry about Lust and Gluttony, they don't wear suits. But you and me, we gotta watch out."

Suddenly, the line went dead.

"NO, THEY GOT HIM!" Envy screamed, cradling the phone in his arms. "WRATH, I'M SO SORRY!"

Suddenly, he turned to the window dramatically. He had to warn Father. Licking his lips, he changed his form, and jumped heroically out the window.

Edward stumbled home in a daze. He'd finally gotten away from the Colonel, and now he wanted nothing more than to go home and sleep. But fate wasn't that kind.

"Don't look at me!" A familiar voice screamed. He turned and had the sudden urge to gouge his eyes out. Because there, standing in the middle of the street, shouting, was none other than the Colonel. Stark naked.

"Don't look at me vile worms! You don't know who I am! You can't kill me with your strange powers! I'm not even wearing a suit!" the naked man screamed, running down the street.

Edward couldn't take it anymore and promptly fainted.

AN: All I can say is, I have no explanation for this.