Chapter Two: The Master of Feelings

My mind was racing. How could I meet L now? Only know was I realizing how ridiculous I must look in my cosplay-type clothes. Their purpose had been to hide me from Mello's prying eyes. The costume hadn't done its job right, anyway. But I had no reason to be wearing it. I knew I probably looked very indecent. Not to mention that L was going to be here soon… What would his first impression be, seeing me like this? A whirlwind of thoughts streaked through my head in less than half a second and I stared up at Watari, eyes huge.

"Not now!" I cried. He was surprised by my tone. Briefly, I wondered how he couldn't see the problem. It was so obvious! One glance at me should tell him! "Look at me, Watari."

He did, his face changing expressions from curiosity and surprise at my behavior to pure shock. "Ever! What are you wearing that… that… thing for?" he stuttered. I was sure that no one in the history of Wammy House had been wild enough to dress up like this. Or maybe there was and they were just so sneaky they never got caught. Either way, surprising Watari like that gave me enough entertainment to smile.

"Yeah, I'm a wild thing," I joked, weariness in my tone. "Could I change quickly? Once L is gone, I'll explain the outfit…" The old man nodded, a bit wary. Before he changed his mind about letting me see L, I rushed upstairs, throwing my stuff around until I found a light blue t-shirt and dark jeans. The outfit's chunky shoes made noises as I scrambled around my room so I kicked them off, breaking something in the process, and slipping on sneakers. The socks from the outfit remained but no one would see them, anyway.

Reaching for the handle, I noticed that my buckle-gloves were still on and I pulled them off, frustrated. It seemed to be taking me longer than I hoped. I caught a glance of myself in the mirror and ripped off the wig angrily. I was going to see L—there was no room to be careless. But as I did, I hadn't noticed a few strands of hair wrapped around on of my cross-shaped earrings that went with my costume. Screaming out in pain, I felt the skin of my ear tear. I sucked in a sharp breath, carefully taking out the other one before glancing at myself in the mirror. There was nothing else, but my ear was bleeding.

I grabbed a tissue out of a box I didn't even know I had laying around and held it to my ear as I ran back down, wound throbbing in time to my fast-paced heartbeat. At the bottom, I could see Matt talking with Mello, past the front doors as they walked in through the gates. Avoiding them, I sped up and burst into Watari's office. He glanced up in surprise. I'd been surprising him lately, hadn't I? At his age, I wasn't sure how many more surprises he could take before he got a heart attack… Oh, well.

For an old man, though, he had sharp eyes. The first thing he noticed, besides my abrupt entrance, was my bleeding ear. It probably would've stopped by now if it wasn't for the running and my racing heart. I was still breathing a bit off tempo when the doors behind me squeaked open, shocking me and making my heart beat even faster. The sight that awaited me was an astonishment, and yet not because I'd seen this man, but it was still strange to see such an oddly bent human.

It was the first mailman. Spiky black hair, very pronounced dark circles under his eyes which were huge and the pupils were smaller than I'd've thought normal, and wearing the same long sleeved white polo and jeans. His posture was the same, hunched over. Looking down, I noticed that his feet were bare, just like the first time I saw him. The first mailman was L. It wasn't something noticeable unless you were expecting it. He gave off the very feeling of L, somehow, under that abnormality.

And when he spoke, it sounded normal. "Watari? Who's this?" Yet very L-like in ways unexplainable. My knees nearly buckled beneath me and not because of the rush I'd been in to look presentable for the L. Not because of the blood loss and lightheadedness I was experiencing from it. The bleeding had slowed, anyway. It just throbbed a bit.

No. I nearly fell over because this was just so…

Funny.

I burst out laughing, leaning on the wall for support. My mirth was so great that I even forgot about my torn ear. For a moment, even, I forgot that the greatest detective alive was in the same room. Though, I don't know if it's possible to forget. Some part of myself that remained sensible screamed at me to stop laughing, that I was in the presence of who everyone in this orphanage wanted to be.

Eventually, after about thirteen seconds, I stopped laughing and entered an abrupt, awkward silence. Then I started apologizing. "I'm so very sorry! I just couldn't… help… my… self…" I'd slowed down because L was grinning at me. Unexplainably grinning at me, no fakeness in the expression. He looked genuinely curious about what had just gone on in my insane mind.

"Watari?" L asked again.

"Ever," he replied promptly. "Sixth in line to succeed you, L."

"…interesting."

Panic built up in me. Was that meant in a good or bad way? My heart started beating again, faster than it should, and the blood began flowing again. I felt something drip on my shoulder and pulled the tissue away. It was soaked. "Oh!" I hissed. Frantically, I looked around for a trash can. It was next to Watari's desk, across the room, so I ran over and threw out the tissue covered in blood. I was painfully aware of the other two peoples' stares.

"Perhaps you should go see the nurse…" the old man suggested. Horrified, I glanced at L and they both caught my meaning. And miss my chance to talk to the L?! Watari sighed, but L said something incredibly unpredictable.

"I'll take her," he offered. Watari's eyes grew in size, his expression reflecting my thoughts. What?

"You will?" I clarified, speaking slowly. It wasn't every day someone got to meet L, let alone have him escort you to the nurse. Now, both were happening. And to me, of all people!

"Of course," L answered with a nod. "Watari?"

"Go right ahead. But… Remember, L. The reason you came here."

The strange man nodded shortly and then motioned for me to follow him out. I walked briskly to his side, twitching a bit when a drop of blood landed on my shoulder. He noticed my discomfort and we started towards the nurse once he shut the door. "What did you do?" he asked, sounding perfectly normal.

Something about it just wasn't that normal.

"Ripped it," I said, flushing when I realized how blunt and unexplained that was. "I mean, I was rushing and accidentally pulled my earring off…" I trailed off, embarrassed. And in front of L! I dug my nails into my palm, clearing my thoughts and letting out a breath. Now I was okay. There were no distractions… "To tell the truth, I was kind of following someone for the game you planned out for us. With the pen pals. So I had a disguise on when Watari offered for me to meet out. When I took my wig off, the earring came off with it."

L seemed genuinely interested again. "You were that flustered about meeting me?"

"Well, yes," I replied, raising my eyebrows. With a clear head, it was much easier to talk. "Anyone would be. You're the person we all want to be." He then took on a blank expression and I stared at his face for a moment.

The clear-headedness vanished in that moment. I hadn't notice the stray book at my feet and I tripped on it. Surprisingly, L caught me before I landed on my face and made a worse fool of myself than I already had. He had quick reflexes for someone so hunched. Past him, I caught a glimpse of blonde hair and felt my face heat up. L stood me up straight and I regained the clearness I'd had before falling. Just because I'd seen blonde hair didn't mean that it had to be Mello. That was like paranoia, which I did not need right about now.

"I'm sorry," I murmured, continuing to walk with my head down. I may be thinking straight but that didn't take away the embarrassment of the situation. "I'm usually not like this. It must be the fact that you're around."

"So you're accusing me."

"Not at—!" I started to exclaim, spinning to face him. But I spun to fast and whacked him with my hair. How many times can a person make a fool of themselves in less than two minutes? And yet, L was smirking.

"I'm joking." Something about L joking didn't seem right to me, but I accepted it as readily as I would accept anything else he said. "But back to the stalking."

"I was not stalking him," I retorted huffily. "Who would ever want to?"

"Mello didn't seem to think so."

I stared at him for a moment. "You chose the partners, right?" That explained how he'd know. But L shook his head. "Then how…?"

"Would you like to know?" he asked with a slight smile. I nodded, still bewildered. "When I said you were stalking the person, you said 'him'. That lowered it to a little more than half the Wammy House occupants. By the way you added on to that, it made me assume that he'd irritated you. The only way to stalk someone—"

"Which I was not doing," I mumbled under my breath, making L's smile widen.

"—is if they left the building. You would not be partnered with someone of low status, considering your position. I assumed that they would partner Near, Mello, and Matt with those of the top ten, of which you are included. Of those people, the irritating ones would be Mello and Near, for different reasons, but Mello is more likely to go outside. Therefore, your pen pal is Mello."

"And on the off chance that it was Near?" I challenged.

He smirked. "By your expression, it was Mello."

I sighed. "You could only figure this one out because you know him so well. If it was something like the Kira case—" Catching myself in time, I didn't finish that thought. It would've been an unspeakable topic around L, and to insult him was an offence in itself. To mention the Kira case as well…

"Yes, I'll have to be more careful," he replied slowly. I glanced at his face which was sobered up. "Ah, but I know who Kira is." My eyes grew three times their regular size. I wanted to tell L to be quiet, to not say any more, but at the same time, I wanted to know… "But I don't have the proof. Soon, though…" Abruptly, I noticed that we'd been standing still for a while.

"L…?"

"We've been standing here since you said "And on the off chance that it was Near?" and that is because…" He swept a hand towards the door in front of us. "We are at the nurse's office."

I bowed shortly. "Thank you, L."

"For what?"

"Actually talking to me. I never dreamed to ever even meet you in person!"

"You are one of the few," he nodded.

"Who else?" I wondered.

"Only one, knowingly. Near and Mello have talked to me only through a computer, and that was once."

"Am I that important?" Of course, I was awed that I would get such an honor as to talk to L, in person, when the two most intelligent hadn't even.

L shrugged. "Be careful with your other ear," he warned and then left, walking oddly with that strange hunch of his. I smiled, chuckling at this abnormalities and that warning. It was completely eccentric, like the rest of him. L was not what I expected L to be. He was that, and so much more… interesting. Not as dull and studious or as old as I had imagined.

I sat in the nurse's office while she fussed over me. She was particularly annoyed by my refusal of the bandage. Although I insisted many times that I would be fine, she did not let it go. Eventually, about forty five minutes later, she gave up and let me go. It was a relief to be out of the medical smell and I half-skipped back to Watari's office. Nobody was there, though, so I sighed and went back up to my room and studied the day away. There were some big tests happening soon and though I normally did not study, ever, L's visit had strengthened me. I wanted more than ever to succeed him.

The meeting with L was not what I expected but any meeting with him was worth tearing an earlobe. Not that I would do it on a daily basis just to see him. That would be obsessive. But studying to become L was not… as compulsive. Everyone in Wammy House had a fixation with L to a certain point—we all wanted to be him, so it made absolute sense. After spending just a few moments with L, I knew he was unusual. It made me feel better about being unusual knowing that the person I idolized was exceptionally so. Eventually, I noticed that it was getting difficult to read, so I looked outside. It was getting dark. Instead of pulling an all-nighter, studying, I thought I might get some sleep. I'd heard that it was good for you, and I'd studied more than enough.

When I woke up, I awoke with a wonderful feeling. The kind of feeling that lets you know that the day is going to be great. Just from that feeling, I was suspicious, but I felt too good to put it out of mind. For once, I allowed this strange onslaught of happiness. I was practically giddy as I skipped down the stairs by twos, pencil in hand. All we needed this week would be something to write with. We were evaluating our skills and I intended to rise in position. It was Monday so I had testing with Mello. However, that didn't discourage me as much as it should have. Now I had L on my side. Or at least, that's what it felt like. Somehow.

I managed to walk up to my seat without even looking in Mello's direction—which was admittedly difficult—and sat down. Our tests were fairly challenging but thanks to last night's lazy studying rather than a quick cram session before the test, I knew most everything. I'd never breezed through a test so easily. All too soon, it was over. Glancing around, I noted that not many other people were finished. Besides Near, Mello, and Matt, that is. I was the fourth to finish. Soon, Ruby raised her head and placed her pencil down. I smiled, glad that my only female friend had gotten through it just as easily.

Wait, only female friend? One would only assume that I have male friends, then, right? But I don't. Maybe it was just me being too stubborn to call Mello anything but a friend. A loose term. I meant it in the way that I knew him, spoke to him occasionally, but not close. Not like Ruby, so I couldn't consider him… a friend. So then what was he? The morning's feelings were dissipating. I was getting discouraged. These thoughts weren't doing anything to help me get along. With the new weight of unhappy thoughts, the rest of the tests would drag on wearily. That was unfortunate.

Stupid Mello, messing up my thoughts and all. Plus, for the rest of the day, I wouldn't be able to escape this feeling of something staring intensely at me. More like glaring, but that made it sound like someone hated me. And there was only one person who might hate me… Slowly, I turned. My curiosity over Mello had gotten the best of me. With my train of thought, I was bound to look, and it was just one peek, to know if it was really him glaring.

I regret it.

When I looked, Mello had the strangest look in his brilliant, reflective blue eyes. Hate, worry, frustration mixed into one. There were some other, small amounts of emotion that I couldn't detect, but I could notice those three. The hate and frustration were understandable. I felt the same towards him and I would've been glaring out of hate and frustration as well if I was behind him. Unluckily, I wasn't, so I couldn't glare. The worry was strange. There was nothing to worry about, really. Unless it had nothing to do with me and I was just being conceited, thinking that the worry was for me, of all people. But I wasn't exactly subtle about looking at him and he saw me right away. How couldn't he?

We both froze, aware of each other's gaze. I was sure that my expression was unreadable because even I couldn't separate the pity from the affection, the irritation from the hate. Which was which? For this I was glad, and I was also glad that Mello often let his emotions get the better of him. Only now, though. There were times when that trait did not go down well. But now… I could see exactly what he was feeling. Disgust, uncertainty, longing, forgiveness, anger, exasperation, and go-away. These emotions were all apparent in his eyes for the half a second I got to look into them—and then I turned away, my heart pounding just like it had when I'd run up and down stairs with a bleeding, torn ear.

Speaking of which, that was a nice distraction. My fingers went up to my left ear, split from the hole (which was thankfully low) to the end of my ear. It wasn't very big and it shouldn't have bled so much since ears did not carry much blood. Excitement and running had made my blood pump extraordinarily fast and had made it bleed a lot more than it should have. It'd left me a bit dizzy, another reason why I'd spent forty-five minutes with the nurse, arguing. She was probably still annoyed with me for not letting her bandage it but it would look so stupid with a big white thing wrapped around it when it was little more than a paper-cut. An abnormally deep—very deep—paper-cut, but a paper-cut nonetheless. And like all paper-cuts, it looked kind of cool, really.

But, unfortunately, it was what had caught Mello's attention and worried him enough to talk to me about it. After the testing was over, he quickly ran down the stairs, nearly flying down them, to my desk. I had no choice but to be modest and look up at him. His eyes were full of fury for some unfathomable reason. "Mello?" I blinked.

"What happened to your ear?" he demanded straight away. His voice was commanding, like an older brother who wanted to know who had hurt his sister. Yes… An older brother. That was a very nice idea.

"I tore it myself," I answered, not feeling as nervous as when he'd practically jumped to my side.

"Not on purpose?" He glared, looking me straight in the eyes and I gave him a look of contempt.

"No. By accident. I was in a hurry to see…" I trailed off, unsure if I should mention L.

Even though I decided against it, I just nearly told Mello when he snorted and looked away. "Okay. Well, the next time you go off to see your secret boyfriend, be careful not to get too excited," he said bitterly and stalked off.

He was out the door quicker than I would've expected and behind me, I could hear Matt's chair squeaking along the ground. I shut my eyes tightly. What just happened? Mello misunderstood, but maybe that was a good thing. Until I got permission to speak about L's visit, I wouldn't tell Mello. The fact that L had come to Wammy House for business with Watari had to be important for him not to even see his three favorite students. For once, there was not a hint of jealously in that thought. Usually I would hate the idea of there being five people better than me. Now I was too preoccupied with Mello's mood swings to deal with them.

"Hey!"

"Whoa…" I moved back a step, surprised to find a gloved hand waving in my face. After a few blinks, I focused on the face beyond the hand. Matt was giving me a concerned look, but it was probably for Mello and not for me. There would never be a reason for Matt to worry about me.

"What did you say to Mello?"

Straightforward, huh? "I told him that I ripped my ear while hurrying to see someone," I replied without a clue of what his urgency meant. Then he groaned very loudly, confusing me further. "What?"

"You're dense, you idiot." Well that was insulting. "Maybe neither of you realize it, but you're both fucking dense. So damn dense," he hissed, seething, and then spun on his heel, out the door with the same speed as Mello. As far as I could tell, his anger was at both of us. For being dense. About what, I didn't know, but dense people tended not to know what was going on around them. I pursed my lips, frustrated because I didn't know what was happening. Matt was right—I was missing out on something. Something important, and this definitely fell under the 'dense' category.

Sighing loudly when my pencil suddenly snapped in my hand, I went to throw it away. A few splinters had gotten under my skin and there was one particular one in the middle of my palm that I couldn't get out. It was annoying. I'd broken my pencil without meaning to so now I had to go up to my room, four stories up, get a new one, and come back down again for the last test. Then we had lunch and the rest of the day was free. That was how the testing weeks went by. Usually, though, I didn't meet up with some damn confusing boy who made me feel strangely like never before, who had a best friend that seemed to know things about us neither of us realized, I normally didn't tear my ear, and I generally didn't snap pencils without warning.

A little change was nice once in a while but this change was not one of those changes 'for the better.' Unless you counted your first life crisis as a good change, this was definitely 'for the worst.'

That didn't stop me from the morning's determination, though. I still wanted to be L's successor, no matter what. There is no person I would accept losing to—not that cheater, Near; not the mentally uncertain Mello; not the sympathetic, usually quiet but caring Matt, even. If I lost to myself, sure. But Wammy House was made to compete and not to just help yourself get better. To win, I'd have to beat all the others. Was I up to that? I didn't know. Not until I had to know.

So I pushed all the depressing thoughts out of my head. I was going to beat them all. I would figure Mello out. I will no longer be dense about whatever Matt was talking about. That one most of all. It wasn't exactly fun for someone else to know something about you that you didn't. With this train of thought, I sped back down the stairs. Oddly, though, neither Matt nor Mello had returned by the time the last test began. It wasn't as if I was worried that they'd drop a place—this could be to my advantage—but considering my situation with the two of them, I had to admit. I was slightly worried.

I didn't let that distract me during the testing, though. Not a thought about them entered my mind as I worked through the problems at a faster pace than before, even. Without the two of them in the room, I was second to finish, after Near. I took to staring at Near to keep my mind of things. As long as I was occupied, I wouldn't have to deal with messed up emotions.

He was sitting in his usual strange position, twirling a stand of hair. As usual. Which made me realize that I'd stared at Near before. Otherwise, how else would I know that his behavior was usual? But when…?

Oh, crap.

In all that was going on, I'd completely forgotten. When I first got to Wammy House, I was not accepted. New kids were very rare and since these people were already so tightly knit, they did not like me. I'd been alone, only approached by one person…

Even at a young age, I was a strong girl. Though I wanted to cry so badly, I did not. They would like me even less if any of them liked me at all. But by the way they were treating me, they clearly didn't. I sat alone at lunch again with just an apple. It was all I dared to take. When I got my apple the first time, I noticed that the other kids slowly stopped getting apples. At the time, I wondered if they just didn't like apples. An odd trend, but I didn't mind.

Not until I found out what they really thought about me. Right before lunch today, my third day at Wammy House, I'd asked a small group of girls if I could join their table that day. They'd stared at me like I was crazy.

"Are you kidding? You're new. You're number forty-five, the lowest of the low," the leader-girl sneered, incredibly vicious-sounding for a seven year old. "As if we would be caught near you!" They laughed.

"Oh, but I'm sure it's not that bad," I'd insisted. "I'm sure I'll get better fast. I was really smart in my town."

"So were we all," another one told me. "You're just smart enough to get in. You're family's dead and you're sort of smart, so that's why you're here. Just go to lunch by yourself and eat your stupid apple."

The rest of the girls nodded, the leader-girl jeering, and they walked away. "…I like apples." So just like they suggested, I went to lunch by myself and ate my stupid apple. I threw out the core and went back to the empty table. I was like a bug repellant and all the people around me were the bugs. Not that I thought of them as bugs because I was sure some of them were nice, just too shy, but most of them weren't.

I sighed and put my cheek on the cold table's surface. Then I heard someone approaching and the person knocked on the table to get my attention. I shut my eyes tightly. "Yes?"

"This is my table."

Nearly groaning—but not—I lifted my head. Before I could gape at the sight before me, I caught myself. This was an odd boy, abnormally colored hair, wearing pajamas despite the time of day. His face was strange, full of confidence and authority but little-kid cute at the same time. The boy's skin was a pale sort of color. "I'm sorry," I said and stood to move. Glancing around the room, I noted that there were no other tables open. I'd have to sit on the ground.

But wait a second. I'd been sitting at this table for three days and yet this person had never come to tell me off. I gave him a suspicious look. "Are you just trying to get rid of me like everyone else? You never asked me to leave before and I've been here for three days," I informed him.

"No," he replied calmly. Way too calm for a boy his age. He looked younger than me but by the look on his face, I guessed he was a year younger than me. "Why would I want to get rid of you?"

Startled, I just started. "We—Well because everybody else is!" I stammered. Is he blind or something? Wasn't it obvious why he might want to get rid of me? "I'm new, lowest of the low, not smart enough. Why wouldn't you want to get rid of me?"

He shrugged. "I'm Near."

"…Ever."

"Would you like to share my table?"

"…I guess."

"Good. We can play together."

My heart was pounding. The first person to even try talking to me was the oddest person I could spot, but that was okay. As long as someone was nice… Too nice. This wouldn't last long. Not when he knew everything about me. Then he'd leave me and act like everyone else. "Play what?" I asked, still doubtful.

"Finger puppets." Near reached into his pocket and pulled out a few.

"…really?"

"Really." That was when I felt the strangest feeling ever. Like complete elation, my heart beating so fast that my throat closed up for a moment. Later, when I asked Ruby what this feeling was, she said it was called a crush.

I hadn't been wrong. After about a week, other people noticed that I was getting along with Near. Everyone knew Near and if I was friends with him, that made me 'cool.' Near wasn't the one to leave me. Somehow, it had happened the other way around when Ruby started talking to me. I said sorry to Near and sat with Ruby during lunch. My only friend. Ruby had never really liked Near much so I drifted away from him. Then I forgot. I blended in with the others, not really close to them but at least accepted.

But I'd forgotten Near who was technically my first love.

How could I have? When he was the first one to talk to me… I wondered if he ever forgave me. I wondered if he ever minded. I wondered if he cared that I'd stopped being friends with him. I wondered if he still remembered. So long away from him had probably distanced us. No doubt it had distanced us. We had nothing in common anymore. He sat at his table, alone as any other time. Except that week he sat with me. He wasn't alone then. Again, I wondered if he ever minded.

"E-ver!" someone hissed. Suddenly I jerked out of my reverie and found that Near was staring straight back at me. I flushed and swept my gaze across the room to make it seem as if I'd just been spacing after the test but I froze. Mello had returned, along with Matt. Their expressions were polar opposites. Mello's was furious, full of rage, and his knuckles were turning white as he gripped the edge of the desk. The boy beside him was sighing as if someone had just made the stupidest mistake of their life.

And I had.

I was feeling that same heart-racing elation as I had with Near back then but a hundred times stronger. It was getting hard to look at him. I quickly turned my head away, noticing Matt's smug look as I did. He knew something about me that I didn't again. Was I that easy to read? It didn't matter. I'd have to ask Ruby, the knowledge guru, what this was. Once class was over, I rushed down to her, fast as lightening.

"Geez, Ever. I bet half the class heard me whispering for you. But you just wouldn't stop staring at Near…" There was a hint of jealously in her voice and my eyes widened. Since when would Ruby ever be jealous of me staring at Near? But I shook that away.

"Remember way back when I was friends with Near?" She thought hard but then finally nodded, slowly, as if she wasn't sure where this was going. "And remember when I asked you what that feeling was where my heart beat fast and I felt extremely happy?" Ruby nodded again, slower, realization and disappointment spreading across her face. What in the world was she thinking? "What's it called when you feel that, just a hundred times stronger?" I was speaking fast now, almost too nervous to ask at all. I wasn't nervous enough to not notice the way her face fell.

"You like Near?" she whispered.

"Like Near?" I repeated, eyebrows raised. The puzzle pieces fit together in my head. The jealously when she spoke of my staring at Near, the slow nodding when I asked about my feelings which were connected to Near (in the beginning), the disappointment… Oh, God. How had this happened? Ruby liked Near. "No! It's… someone else," I hissed, saying the last part quietly. People were filing out now, loud enough that no one listening could've heard that. Luckily.

"Oh." Her face lightened up, but she also had a look of confusion on her face, as if she couldn't understand why she was suddenly happy about it. She was clearly in denial. Was this how Matt could tell things about me that I, myself, didn't know? If that was the case, I'd have to be more careful. "Well, that's called love."

I froze, and my heart missed a couple beats. "Lo—love?" I choked out.

Ruby looked at me weirdly. "That's right… Why? What's wrong?"

I shook my head frantically. "I can't. I can't love him!" I groaned. But I knew she was right. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. This was what Matt knew and I didn't. This was why he'd smirked like that when I connected the feeling of crushing to whatever I felt for Mello. "So love—" The word was hard to say. "—is like having a crush but just really, really strong?"

"Pretty much."

"Daaaaamn," I hissed, and then snaked around the people filing out and ran out the door.

"Ever?" I heard someone call behind me. Naturally, it was Ruby. She'd be worried after I asked such strange questions and then rushed out, except I didn't have time to be concerned with what Ruby now thought of me. It wasn't as if she'd never experienced my strangeness before. I just needed to figure things out about myself, first. For example: do I love Mello?

I stopped, out of breath, in the orphanage's garden. It was an unexpected place to stop. Where I first really talked to Mello. Then I remembered something my mother told me, before she died. While she was sick with the unknown illness, she had a few moments of sanity. There was a day when the topic of my father came up and she told me something.

"Things often happen unexpectedly, or they happen so quickly that you deny it. It doesn't feel like it's real. Like when I fell in love with your father, before he was drunk, it happened so quickly… Things like love can't be controlled. Often times, you talk with someone, only exchange a couple words, but before you know it, you fall in love with them. It only takes one moment, one turning point, for you to fall in love. Understand?"

I nodded gravely. "Yeah."

She blanked out for half a minute. When she regained consciousness, her illness was back in full force. My mother stared at me with disgust and rage. "You're disgusting! Get out of my house! Who are you?!" She stood up suddenly, wavering for just a moment as she'd gotten up too quickly. But it didn't last long and she grabbed a vase full of water and flowers. She turned it upside down, holding it like a weapon, and the contents spilled out.

I ran out of the house and heard the vase crash into the door as I slammed it close, running down the street to my cousin, where it was safe.

A long sigh escaped my lips. For some reason, I felt a weight lifted off of me. The problems of my family and past no longer bothered me. It was… incredibly strange. Before this moment, I would've been sobbing. The intensity of what had happened—my father dying in a drunk-driving accident, my mother's illness getting the better of her and killing my cousin Jason, and then killing herself, like Jason's mother had—was heartbreaking to me. Jason's mother was my mom's sister. They'd had the same disease and both ended up committing suicide, neither of them by choice. The sickness made them do it.

It was Jason who'd taught me about numbers and trigged my abilities. My memorization skills came into play when he taught me multiplication and from the moment he showed me, I became intelligent beyond my years. That was why numbers held so much meaning for me and were my strongest point. I'd usually hate thinking about this, but now it was as if I got over it all.

And with a clear head, I knew the answer to my question.

"I love Mello," I whispered to myself. Like my mother told me, it had come at me without warning. When I talked to Mello in the garden the first time, I felt a little bit of it, but when I went out to follow him… I really felt it. That was the turning point when I fell in love with him.

"You're not as dense as I thought, then." I spun around. Matt was standing there with his goggles up and arms crossed, smiling that stupid smug smile again. "At least, you realized it before I thought you would. Isn't it strange how it seems you're always the last one to know who you're in love with?"

Slowly, I nodded. A while ago, it'd clicked what Matt was talking about so I wasn't confused anymore. But I still couldn't understand why he was talking to me… "Why're you talking to me?" I asked bluntly.

He dropped the smile and sighed. "You're in love with my best friend," Matt shrugged. "Although, why, I don't understand."

"At least we're on the same page," I muttered.

"Wow," he chuckled. "Honestly, you're not the type of girl I imagined for Mello."

"What did you image?" I wondered, interested.

"Some punk-ass girl who swore every other word."

I couldn't help but laugh and be slightly surprised. "No, I'm nothing like that, but… Why?"

It was Matt's turn to be surprised. "Why? Man, have you not talked to Mello or something?" He shook his head. "The guy's good enough to be one of those stupid American rappers."

"He's never sworn around me…" Did he not feel comfortable around me? Strangely, I felt myself lose some confidence. Not as if I had any to begin with, but if Mello didn't feel comfortable enough around me to swear, as odd as that sounds, then there must be something wrong with me. And that was never a good thing.

"Oh, right. He's got a habit of not swearing around certain people." Matt sighed dramatically. "If only I could be in that category. I've started swearing, myself, thanks to him."

"…certain people?"

"Yeah. The people he considers high authority, like Watari or L, and the people he really likes. I knew 'im before his parents died, and he swore back then around me. But he never swore around his parents."

I was quiet for a bit. "So Mello really likes me? Or at least, enough not… to swear?"

"If you ignore how weird that sounds, yes," Matt confirmed.

"Oh, man…" I felt my face heat up.

He chuckled. "You're blushing."

"I know!" I snapped, embarrassed. "I just… like that too much."

Unexpectedly, he groaned. "Okay, this is where I draw the line," he said. "We're talking about my best friend. I'm not some girl giving you advice on your love life, okay? I'm certainly not going to act like your friend and gossip about Mello. I'd have to agree when you say 'Oh my God, isn't he soooo hot?' and all sorts of things." At the end, Matt shuddered.

But I was laughing hysterically. "Oh, man, the way you imitated a girl…" I was bent over laughing, my stomach starting to hurt. It was unfortunate that the image of me and Matt doing make-overs and talking about how great Mello's body was popped into my head then. I literally fell over laughing. "Oh, geez." By now I was crying from the laughter. The image was just too funny. Eventually, I slowed to giggles, calm enough to stand back up.

"Sorry, Matt," I apologized through the slowing giggles. They were now occasional little chuckles. "That was just too funny. And don't worry, I'm not like that either. Besides, I have Ruby."

"Seventh?" Matt got a thoughtful look on his face. "Come to think of it, she's rather dense, too. Taking longer than you… She probably deserves seventh. I think you should be higher. Most people are in denial for longer than you. If they're not smart."

I glared. "I accept your compliment, but don't diss Ruby. She's stubborn and thinks that love—" The word was still hard to say. "—will slow her down."

Matt shrugged nonchalantly. "Not as if I care. Maybe she is smart. But you don't think that love will slow you down?" he asked, choosing his words carefully.

And I thought about it. "That depends," I replied slowly. "I'm the only one that loves Mello—it's not the other way around." Matt made a face but I ignored it. "So I suppose it would be more of a burden on my shoulders and it would affect my decisions concerning Mello. As long as that's the case, yes, love will slow me down. But it's not as if it will affect things for the time being. All that's going on is testing." I shrugged. "It's not as if something drastic will happen and I'll do some stupid things."

Matt snorted. "You'll do stupid things either way," he commented, and as I was about to protest, he continued, "But we all do. So for now, your train of thought is this: It's okay if I love as long as it doesn't drag me down, and if it does, I'll try my best to not let it. Am I right?" I nodded. "Good. So when that something drastic happens, I'll do my best to give you a choice—to let you decide if it's okay for love to slow you down, or if it's not." He put his hands in his pockets. "See ya."

I stared at his back as he walked away, eyebrows raised. Had I just become friends with Matt, thanks to the similar feeling of caring for Mello? It was great that Mello had a good a friend as Matt, even if he was a bit strange. But the reassurance that I had someone on my side was nice, so I went up to my room, content. Then I remembered that I hadn't had lunch and the contentedness disappeared. If I went, I'd see Mello for the first time while knowing that I loved him. What a fool I would make of myself…

Well, I wasn't all that hungry, anyway. Skipping lunch wouldn't affect me. Dinner was in six hours. I'd had breakfast (I think) so I could last. I went up to my room to wait it out, lying on my bed with my hands under my head, just staring up at the ceiling. Soon enough, with no school or anything better to do, I drifted into sleep. When I woke up, the sun was still out but showing signs of going down very soon. That meant it was past six, when they started serving dinner. You could go down any time you wanted, of course, but I knew for a fact that Mello went around six thirty. I shot a glance at my alarm clock on the bedside table.

Damn. Six thirty-two. My stomach growled in protest and I couldn't seem to remember eating breakfast. What had I been thinking when I skipped lunch? I groaned along with my stomach, turning on my side and counting every single second until I lost track of the time, only going, "Forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty, fifty-one, fifty-two…" until sixty and then restarting. Counting did its job, alright, because when I looked again, it was seven thirteen. I smiled at my success and started downstairs. By the time I reached downstairs, there were around seven people and none of them were Mello.

Again, I smiled. There would no reason for me to face him until tomorrow, and by then I should have gotten my poker face and avoidance technique sorted out. I didn't like the idea of lying to Mello or avoiding him but I needed my concentration if I wanted to surpass every other person in Wammy House. For some reason, my confidence had deteriorated and I felt as if I had a less chance of doing so. Near's placement was understandable. Underneath that tough exterior, I knew Mello was smart—he'd figured me out in two letters and knew it was me even in a disguise. Matt, although he seemed lazy and uncaring about what happened to him, he was just such a wonderful friend that he would make sure to stick with Mello. That meant staying the third most talented student at Wammy House.

So, if I managed to rise at all, as long as I got to fourth placement, I would be satisfied. Even moving up by two placements was a big deal. Although my standards had suddenly lowered, I wasn't bothered by it. Managing to beat Near, or Matt, even, would result in an uproar. Wammy House hardly needed an uproar, much less one caused by me. It would be a miracle, no doubt, and I was sure that I would be accused of cheating. A terrible crime that I would never commit, not even to reach number one status.

Thoughts of 'what if's were welcome. They occupied my mind, just like staring at Near had. However, staring at Near had resulted in something both unfortunate and fortunate at the same time. I couldn't tell if loving Mello was a good thing or not, but by being away from him while realizing this was making it a lot easier not to love him. My feelings would slowly deteriorate this way until the moment that I did not have a speck of affection for him. Those were nice thoughts, and yet not. My heart was beating very fast. Faster than it should, and it was all because I was thinking of Mello. I felt like that short role of a crushing schoolgirl while I watched Mello was coming true.

Spotting Ruby, I was able to push the feelings away and replace them with relief. I sat down in front of her with a heap of food on my tray. She'd been looking at the table, staring at it hard, and so the first thing she noticed was the pile of food, so big that it was perfect for two people. I'd done that unconsciously, thanks to my growling stomach and unthinking mind, but not it worked out wonderfully. "Hungry?" I asked her, trying to act cool as if I'd done it on purpose.

But Ruby saw through me and looked up, a barely noticeable smirk on her face. "You pig. It's all the food you like," she noted flatly.

I frowned slightly. "I thought you like what I like. Unless you were just saying that. And lying. Lying to me, Ever, your best friend," I gasped dramatically, earning a small smile from her instead of that stupid, contemplating look. "That's no good, you know."

She let out a long sigh, the smile leaving her face. Did I say something wrong? "I know I'm no good."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. I never said you're no good. I said lying to you best friend was." Ruby looked up at me with guilt written across her face. "And that was joke… What's the matter?" I was truly concerned. Earlier, I'd realized that Ruby liked Near. The face she was pulling was one that I had made before I knew what the strange feelings were. It had to be connected. "Something up with Near?"

Her face grew utterly surprised and I couldn't help but smile a little smugly. I'd guessed right. "Wha—Wha—What makes you thi—think that?" she stammered, giving herself away.

I groaned. "Man, Ruby. You're like an open book," I told her with a sigh, grabbing one of the bread rolls I piled on the tray. Tentatively, and probably to avoid a few moments of conversation on a topic she most likely didn't enjoy, she took a small package of fruit snacks. I stared at it for a second. "Huh. I don't remember that one." Ruby shrugged and opened it. "But, Ruby, denial isn't very good."

"I'm not in denial," she snapped, fumbling with opening the fruit snack's packet. "There's nothing I have to be in denial about."

"…you do realize how little sense you're making?" I raised my eyebrows at her and the held out my hand. Her attempts were getting her nowhere. "I'll open it." She clutched it protectively for a short moment and then placed it angrily in my outstretch hand. I opened it easily and handed back to her. Ruby accepted it huffily. "Still stubborn as ever."

"So what if I am?" she retorted. "Maybe I like being stubborn."

"I don't like it when you're stubborn," I muttered quietly. However, Ruby caught it and looked up with a hint of sadness on her face.

"Hey, Ever…" I looked up at her hopefully and she hesitated, but went on. "Whatever you may think, I do not like Near."

I shook my head. "You're right," I agreed. "You don't like him."

She blinked. It wasn't the reaction she'd expected. "I am? I don't?"

"Nope. You love him."

Her expression change to annoyance and frustration and she abruptly stood up. "Ever! Don't go making decisions for me!" she hissed, furious, and stormed away. My eyes were wide. What the…?

"Hey… Ruby?" I called weakly after her. This hadn't gone as well as it had for Matt and I. Maybe if he was in my place, he could've done a better job to get Ruby to realize that she does love Near. I hadn't seen the turning point happen. In fact, I'd never seen them together. But however it had happened—maybe it happened like it had with me and Mello, through the pan pal game—it happened. Until Ruby got over her stubbornness, maybe it was better to let her be in denial. For the sake of her and Near getting along later, she'd have to figure it out herself. I sighed. "Oh, Master Love Guru Matt, am I doing it right?"

"Nice title, and yes, you're doing it right." I jumped, spinning around.

"You have a habit of appearing out of thin air when I ask life-changing questions, don't you?"

He shrugged. "And don't worry about Ruby. Some things happen best by themselves."

"You didn't feel that way about me," I commented with a slight moping tone. I hadn't had much fun with that part of realizing my feelings. Hell, I hadn't had any fun with any part of it.

Matt shrugged again. "Mello's my best friend. Near's… kind of not."

I smiled at the way he put it. "Oh, and Matt? I've kind of got a lot of food that I'm definitely not going to eat…" I pointed to the tray of untouched food. He grinned and sat down next to me, pulling the tray towards himself, and dug in. About halfway through, me grinning as he ate, he looked up.

"Sure you don't want any?"

I laughed. "Yeah. I'm having enough fun watching you gorge it all down," I told him and proceeded to eat my bread roll which was plenty.


A/N: I'm just being incredibly picky with the third chapter, so while I fix that, I'll give you the second chapter. It's those last ten pages! I can't think of a legitimate reason for a certain event to take place. I think the one I have now is a bit unrealistic, but my friends think it's fine, so I'm not sure. I'm definitely going to go through a few more changes before I'm satisfied, so maybe by the middle of November or earlier. I do, in fact, have a life. :) Oh! And I'm looking for a beta, if anyone's willing. ;D