Chapter 2: Music

Dear Cassidy,

Please forgive me for all the pain that i have caused you. I know it was hard for you, it was hard for me too don't ever doubt that, and you can't imagine how sorry i am for all of it. Breaking up with you was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life, and everyday after that was like living in hell. Not seeing you, touching you, hearing you, killed me; each day that passed was worse than the last one.

The things i said that day was all a big lie, especially the part about Esme. I need you to understand, my love, that you have always been the right woman for me, and that Esme and I are only good friends and that's all we will ever be. It is a matter that we both agreed on, she actually asked me to be very specific about that, and to tell you she would never do such a thing to you. And i would also like to let it clear that she had no idea i had said such a thing to you that day, and that it was all my idea, so please don't blame her. She loves you very much, and misses you as much as i do. All of us do.

I know it will take you some time to forgive me, if you ever decide to do so, but i will wait patiently for the day that you wish to speak to me again. Until then my love, take care.

Carlisle.

That night, i cryed myself to sleep for the first time in three months. Daddy's whiskey bottle never left my nightstand.

The next week after my birthday was spent doing absolutely nothing while i listened to the songs on my playlist as loud as i could, filling my house with music, and making me sing along all while nursing the drink on my hand.

Monday was like:

Such a lonely day. And it's mine. The most loneliest day of my life.

Such a lonely day. Should be 's a day that I can't stand.

Tuesday

Crawling in my skin, These wounds they will not heal, Fear is how I fall, Confusing, confusing what is real...

Wednesday

But you asked me to love you and I did, Traded my emotions for a contract to commit, And when I got away, I only got so far, The other me is dead, I hear his voice inside my head.

We were never alive, And we won't be born again, But I'll never survive, With dead memories in my heart.

Thursday

This time I'm mistaken, For handing you a heart worth breaking, And I've been wrong, i've been down, Been to the bottom of every bottle, These five words in my head Scream "are we having fun yet?"

Friday

Maybe someday I'll be just like you and Step on people like you do, And run away all the people I thought I knew, I remember back then who you were, You used to be calm used to be strong, Used to be generous but you should've known that you'd, Wear out your welcome now you see, How quiet it is all alone I'm so Sick of the tension sick of the hunger, Sick of you acting like I owe you this, Find another place to feed your greed,While I find a place to rest.

Saturday

Frozen inside without your touch,

without your love, darling.

Only you are the life among the dead.

All of this time

I can't believe I couldn't see

Kept in the dark

but you were there in front of me

I've been sleeping a one thousand years it seems.

I've got to open my eyes to everything.

Without a thought

Without a voice

Without a soul

Don't let me die here .There must be something more.

Sunday

I don't know what's worth fighting for, Or why I have to scream, I don't know why I instigate, And say what I don't mean, I don't know how I got this way, I know it's not alright, So I'm Breaking the habit, I'm breaking the habit, Tonight.

That only until Sam showed up and turned off the damn radio.

"You need to get out of this house." He says, looking around at the mess i made on the living room.

"I can't. They are everywhere." I complain. I didn't need to say who they are, he knew just well.

"There is a place that they are not allowed to go."

Oh yeah. La Push is my safe heaven.

But i was just not in the mood to leave the nest.

"I don't feel like leaving the house right now."

"Why?"

"I don't know, i just don't."

Sam stares at me completely unimpressed. "Come on, tell me what's in your mind."

I sigh, already exhausted without even starting the conversation. "You know what it's bothering me." I roll my eyes at him but his Serious-Sam expression does not change. "Carlisle. Carlisle is on my mind. He is on my mind, all the fucking time." I say, angry at myself for not being able to prevent such thoughts. "I know he sucks, i know he is an asshole, i know i am not supposed to think about him at all, but i just can't control myself when it comes to him. He..."

"I know."

"...what?"

"I understand." He calmly reply.

"Do you?"

"Of course, Cass. I know how this things work. He is your mate. You didn't choose that. That doesn't change anything, though."

"Yeah...exactly." I whisper, biting my lip lightly. "I just...i never thought he would be back. He told me he would never comeback and i believed him. It took me months to recover though, months of crying, sadness, anger, disappointments, and when i was finally getting through, he comes back and say 'Hey, forgive me, will you?'. It's just not fair." One silent tear escapes and i clean it off quickly.

"You're right, it's not. I know you love him, and even though i hate him and his kind, you should know, Cass, i would understand if you decided to stay with him in the end."

"Why are you saying that? There is no way that i will..." I try to say but he shuts me up quickly.

"I tryed to stay away from Emily in the beginning too. I tryed...really hard to distance myself from her. To not give in to the pull. In the end, it was stronger than me."

"What about the consequences?"

"Everything we do has consequences, Cassidy. Even the good things."

After Sam left, i had a lot of time to myself, and i used the time to think things through and reevaluate my life. All while i soak in the bathtub.

I am graduating soon, but have no plans for college. I have a job, yes, as a waitress, which didn't necessarily tied me to Forks anyhow. I have no family left, not that i now off anyway. I do have friends, yes, good friends, but they have they own lifes and business to take care of. If i decide to leave town, to go, i don't know, maybe live in a big city, it could potentially be a good option for me. I would certainly have more job opportunities, but i would also be completely alone on my own.

On one hand, it would free me of the constant vigilance of the Cullens, and maybe, just maybe, i could actually forget all about Carlisle and move on.

On the other hand, i would be on my own. Lonely. Without family, friends, protection. I can always make new friends, yes. But i doubt they would be able to transform into Teen Mutant Ninja Wolves.

Well, that's a bummer.

As i finish my random thoughts, i finally get out ot the bathtub. My fingers and toes were already wrinkled from all the time i spent in the water.

I use the towel to dry myself a little and then wrap it around my body. Next came the hair. It always takes me a while to dry my hair because it is a little bit too long. I am in a great need of haircut. When i finish i decide to brush my teeths, completing the cycle of 'preparations for bedtime'.

When i am done, and the long process of getting ready to sleep is settle, that's when i see a thing that has being hided in my bathroom drawer for sometime now. Something i completely forgot about it.

A package of absorbent pads.

I am late.

My period is late.

"...hm..."

What...

The...

Fuck.

Note:

The songs, respectively:

System of a down - Lonely Day

Linkin Park - Crawling

Slipknot - Dead Memories

Nickelback - How you remind me

Linkin Park - A place for my head

Evanescence - Bring me to life

Linkin Park - Breaking the habit