Author's Note: More crack! I can't believe this fic got reviews. I died, I swear. XD Thanks so much to everyone. References and the likes are at the end of the chapter. And Cloudeye, you owe me yet another review. I'll hold you to it. 6 more chapters to go...though you've read most of them already! XP

Disclaimer: Naruto is the property of Masashi Kishimoto. No money is made from this, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter Summary: Ino starts her first day in the Torture and Interrogation department with very bad results...


Fancy That!
---Chapter 2. Blonds Lack...Cleverness---

"Con, did you see all that stuff he did? There's a reason he's classified as an S-class criminal, you know."

"Pro, he's completely secured to a chair. How dangerous can he get?"

"Best not to ask," Ino said, even more discouraged than before. "And con, he's annoying."

Sakura had a flair for intercepting people with pointless pep talks. Overtly glaring at her, the blonde-haired Kunoichi was unnerved that someone could fathom a 'pro' in being up close and personal with Deidara.

Could someone be that stupid?

"Pro, Tsunade will surely make you Special Jounin if you succeed."

Surprise, surprise. Someone really could. And that someone had omitted the obvious part of the job description—namely, the part where it said 'P.S. this is doomed to fail'. Obviously, Sakura was not the one stuck in the same vicinities as Deidara for the next few days.

"Con, Morino Ibiki failed...and you remember how sadistic that guy was."

"Pro, you get to run your own operation."

"Con, did I mention he's really annoying, " Ino reiterated, as if his annoying personality completely eclipsed the fact that he was a total psychopath. She waved Sakura goodbye, attributing her stupidity to that large, ungodly forehead. Ino would be damned if she'd allow herself illusions as to how this was going to turn out.

Horribly.

After spending a night running through pages upon pages of Deidara's impressive—strike that, explosive—list of criminal records, Ino had in mind to tell Tsunade she was not doing it. However, in front of the Hogake's office, the young girl lacked the courage of her convictions and reluctantly marched right past it and towards ANBU headquarters.

Shuffling down the familiar stairs where she had followed Naruto and Sakura a few days before, she walked across the lengthy hallways leading to the secured interrogation keep—the confined place invariably guarded by the most elite Shinobi of ANBU.

Deidara—still gagged and obviously frustrated about it—stared blatantly at the young Chuunin as she spiritlessly stepped in the room. His indignant expression melted into as self-satisfied smirk. He narrowed his eyes in scrutiny, stupefied as to why Konoha intelligence commissioned this slip of a girl to continue the cross-examination. They sent me a girl, hmmm? This is going to be too easy, he internally affirmed, very amused by this turn of events. Almost fun...yeah.

Upon noticing the sudden shift in his general demeanor, Ino had no doubt about what he was thinking. This gave automatic credence to the this-mission-is-destined-to-fail-miserably theory.

A pleasant chitchat with Akatsuki's Finest? Surely not.

Behind an expressionless tiger-shaped mask, a member the ANBU guard—seemingly the captain—spoke up. "Replacement for Morino Ibiki, Yamanaka Ino," he half-questioned, half-stated on a dry tone. He remained immobile, as in the exaggeratedly rigorous application of a strict protocol. Seeing as she offered no protest, he continued with the same flat voice, "Welcome to ANBU. Shall we un-gag the prisoner so you may begin your interrogation?"

His question caught Ino by surprise; she swallowed hard as if she was trying to swallow her own pulse. She could tell by Deidara's smug expression that he sensed her tension; and the fact the he could aggravate her even while tied up and gagged was a bad sign, and a rough start to her day. "How about no? Let's just leave him like this."

"Ino-san, the point is to make him talk."

Two minutes in ANBU headquarters—in the company of Deidara—and Ino was already nursing a headache. "Actually, I think the whole point should be to shut him up."

Although she could not see the face behind the mask, Ino could sense the ANBU captain's deep scolding frown—she had obviously pissed him off. However, it was surely nothing compared to Deidara, who was making his discontentment quite clear through a myriad of satirical pouts and scowls. "Don't stare at me like that, you bastard," she gritted out upon seeing his face. On the up side, he was gagged and she was not.

As the masked ANBU agent began removing the verbal restraint, it quickly became apparent that the Akatsuki would get his chance to mouth-off again—the very basis of his reputation.

"This interrogation is not a joke, Ino-san," the captain said. "Your blatant ridicule of our methods is going straight to our report."

Day one, five minutes, and already the interrogation was a disaster. Considering the fact that Deidara was now free to disturb everyone in the room with his incessant vainglorious prattling, things would definitely get worse.

"So, Konoha superiors sent me this little girl, hmmm?" Deidara voiced aloud, intending the question primarily for himself and then, fixing his gaze on Ino, he felt compelled to further his self-congratulatory discourse, "You know, I made the head of this department retire...yeah. "

Ignoring his mock attempts at scaring her off, she pulled out a list of questions Tsunade had prepared earlier, important things she should focus on asking and the likes. "Just answer some questions, idiot."

Faking an offended reaction, he playfully scolded her. "That's not a way to talk, un. Especially not if you want me to answer your little questions...yeah."

"Look, you son of a--"

Purposely emitting an audible cough, the captain of the guard kept up his end of the scolding. Like there was not enough scolding going around. "Yamanaka Ino, this is not how we run things around here. More of this bantering and you will get discharged."

Ino exchanged a furtive glance with Deidara. "You know, a discharge doesn't sound so bad."

Fastened tightly to a chair by white leather straps and powerful chakra seals, the S-class Nunkenin, still dolled up in his Akatsuki garb, had managed to find a new way to vex his interrogation officer—especially since getting rid of this one was more pleasure than business. "A woman can't run an interrogation anyway, hmmm."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Ino aggressively retorted, completely forgetting about the ANBU corps and their pesky reprimands.

"It's a man's job...yeah."

"That's it! I've had it. Time to physically teach you some respect."

Again report, Ino caught his smug gaze fixated on her. Direct provocation. What Deidara didn't expect was that Yamanaka Ino was addicted to confrontation. Heh, I'll be twice as annoying as you, Deidara, and you won't be able to wait for me to be through with this interrogation. Mark my words...

------------

After her training, Sakura—seemingly determined to make Ino's life a tad worse—brought Naruto down to visit the newly appointed ANBU. Scurrying in the interrogation and torture department excitedly, the blond Genin was convinced he would get the chance to finish what he had started earlier. "I'm going to pound that guy so hard, Akatsuki will be sorry they messed with us."

Nudging her comrade to shut up with a swift blow to the ribs, the pink-headed girl took a seat in the ANBU headquarters. "See, this is why they won't let us in the interrogation room anymore," she said, patiently waiting for a guard to notify Ino of their presence. "Quit saying that out loud."

"What did I say, Sakura-chan?" Naruto innocently asked.

"You haven't shut up about Deidara since he was brought here," she said. This time her tone was edged with anger. "Quit boasting that you're going to kill him to every passerby."

"But-but, Sakura-chan!"

"No buts! I'm sick of hearing about Deidara."

Entering the room at a brisk pace, Ino interrupted Sakura's fervent sermon with nothing short of a Deidara-centric rant. "Deidara is so annoying," she let out theatrically as she rejoined her friends. "What a putz. I mean, what's the prerequisite for joining Akatsuki, being a moron? He thinks he's such a maverick but..."

Sakura winced. "Tsunade sent me to check on you." She sighed in exasperation. "She wanted to know if you'd cracked yet."

"Crack? I don't think so," Ino said adamantly. "I've got this all under control, forehead master. Now, get out of my department."

While the rosette Kunoichi was fuming, barking back all the insults in her—limited—repertoire, Naruto was taking full advantage of this outburst. With all the clever sneakiness of a fox—yeah, a demon fox—he quietly lunged towards the interrogation room, unnoticed by the bickering girls.

Secretively tiptoeing his way down the hall, Naruto slowly opened the door to the room where Deidara was kept hostage. He could hear the arrogant voice coming from inside; Deidara was complaining—yet again—seemingly desperate to get everybody riled up. "I'm bored...yeah."

Slipping in and softly shutting the door behind him, Naruto entered the room, already irked by the cocky prisoner. ANBU squad members were just as unmoving as they had always been, making things all the more simple for the Kyuubi jinchuuriki—he was going to kick that Akatsuki's ass. Or, at least try. "Talking to yourself, cretin," Naruto asked, faking pleasantry.

Naruto was not Deidara's choice of a distraction, but beggars can't be choosers. "Who else could I talk to? It's not like there are people of intelligence around here...yeah."

"I'll make you eat those words, you asshole."

Deidara matched Naruto's heated anger with a cool arrogance. "Watch your language, un."

---------------------

"I mean, that guy, he's completely passive," Ino commented while she and Sakura peered through the small window to observe the scene from a distance. The girls had called a truce upon realizing what Naruto was up to. "Naruto can be annoying, sure, but this guy's worse."

"Shouldn't you stop them?"

Ino gave a brief smile. "Naww. I'll wait till someone starts to cry, then I'll stop them."

Shame that someone was most likely Naruto.

Before he had a chance to raise a fist at Deidara, ANBU rushed to intervene. Go figure. Two of the guards grabbed a hold of Naruto and escorted him out in the manner of club bouncers, practically throwing him out the door, and on Sakura.

Ino had seen it coming and had stepped aside in time. "Damn ANBU squad, eh Naruto?" She helped him up. "They make my job way harder, too."

"If only they weren't there," he said slyly, rubbing his index finger on the front of his chin. He was trying to look pensive. If it was an evil genius doing it, it might have looked dangerous. With Naruto doing it, it simply looked ridiculous. "I could beat him up till he answers questions. Everybody wins."

"Wait, I have a plan to get them out for a while," Ino said. Leave it to her to hop on some crazy bandwagon. She turned back to the pink-headed girl, flashing her a coy smile. "Say Sakura, didn't you come here to inform me of the surprise attack on Konoha just now?"

Naruto started giggling, but Sakura looked perplexed. "I did not. You're talking crazy."

"Crazy like a fox. Now, go make a scene," Ino said before pausing. She then added, "Unless you wanted to spend some time with Deidara?"

---------------------

Naruto shut the door to the interrogation room as he said, "I can't believe they bought it."

Ino figured ANBU had been so keen on rushing out to avoid staying with the prisoner. One hour of Deidara a day will surely keep your sanity away. But judging by Deidara's blasé expression, it didn't matter to him. He didn't even seem remotely curious as to what was going on.

"My plan to fake an invasion worked perfectly."

As Naruto said that, Ino suddenly sobered up. "Your plan?" She asked, an edge of anger to her words. "Don't you mean my plan? The last 'good' plan you had involved tracking Uchiha Itachi with hunting dogs."

"So, it's you who went through all that trouble, Ino-san," Deidara chimed in, giving her a suggestive look. "Couldn't wait for us to be alone, hmmm?"

Before she could give her heated reply, Naruto interrupted the conversation with a perplexed "Hey, wait a minute." Both turned to look at him. "Ino, that's why you wanted to get rid of ANBU?" Naruto asked. "To be alone with Deidara?"

"It's not like I can blame her...yeah."

Ino froze up. Her cheeks turned red. Meanwhile, Naruto drew his face closer to the Akatsuki threateningly. "Wait till I mess up your face. We'll see who the monster is."

While the boys kept on bickering, Ino glanced out the door to see if the coast was clear. It was. But if she wanted to rough an answer out of Deidara, she had better make it happen fast, before the ANBU squad realized that there is no invasion. She turned back and they were still at it.

Naruto seemed keener on insulting Deidara than beating him up. Itachi had it all wrong; it's blonds who lack hatred.

"Break it up," Ino said. "I'm starting to think you're the one who wants to be alone with him, Naruto."

Deidara and Naruto instantly jerked away from each other, exchanging a disgusted look.

"Right, best you start answering some questions, you imbecile, or else I'll--"

"You'll what, hmmm," Deidara replied. "Bore me to death?"

As Ino advanced to match arrogance with violence, Naruto cut her short with a light tap on the shoulder. Lo and behold, Tsunade was standing right behind them, an angry look on her face.

Busted.

Of course, Deidara was finding this particularly amusing. "Somebody's going to get fired, un," he said in a little singsong voice.

"Shut up," Tsunade sneered, eliciting yet another frown from Deidara. "No one is getting fired...yet."

The troublemaking duo stared in disbelief. "What do you mean by 'not' getting fired?" Ino asked, horrified at the thought. Even if she failed at interrogating the Akatsuki prisoner, a stunt like the one she had pulled would have surely got her out of that department for good. But no, she'd have to come back again tomorrow.

Chances were, no one else wanted to do it. Go figure, Deidara's such a pleasant guy.

"Ino, you're off the hook for today, but I'm expecting you to come up with a better strategy by tomorrow. Dismissed."

Somewhere between discouraged and relieved, Ino followed Tsunade and Naruto out. Halfway through the door, the irritating voice of the prisoner halted her step. "Ino-san, you're lucky I'm humoring you...yeah. Breaking protocol like that, it'll get you killed, un."

The blonde Kunoichi gave a short sneer, and quickly walked out the door. She had made a complete fool of herself, wasting her time arguing with Naruto. Not only that, but the annoying Akatsuki had called her on it, pleasantly threatening her in the process. But Yamanaka Ino knew nothing of giving up.


References:

1. The last good plan you had... quote. That's the influence of British television, for you. It's a quote from Red Dwarf.

Thank you for reading. Please keep on reviewing. It gives me a happy.