Chapter 2: Everyone Poops, Except for Vampires

"Hey. Please. Jasper. Jaspey-poo. Don't hurt me. Please. I didn't mean to hurt Mr. Snuffles," Bella tried to reason with Jasper, stepping backwards, moving towards a wall.

Jasper snarled. "There's no reasoning, Bella. I'm going to cut you up with my teeth."

"JASPER, DON'T!" Edward said, walking up to Jasper. He whispered in Jasper's ear, "She's not worth it. Don't waste your time."

Bella leaned over to Alice, who had appeared by her side. "That's my boyfriend, you know, talking to your boyfriend. Isn't that wild? Have they met before?"

"Bella," Alice said, "you really need to start taking your pills."

"Huh? Why? There's nothing wrong with me. I'm fine," Bella said. "What's for lunch? I want Italian."

"Bella," Edward said. "I'm afraid this isn't a time to eat. Why don't you have Carlisle bandage your hand before we all eat you?"

"Awwwww, that's so thoughtful, Eddiekins—"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

"Okay, Eddiekins," Bella replied, and walked over to Carlisle, who was sitting in the kitchen, entranced in a book called Everyone Poops. "Carlisle. You're hot."

"Oh, well, thanks, Bella," Carlisle replied. If he was a human, he would be blushing.

"Can you bandage my hand?" Bella said. "Mr. Snuffles hurted it."

"Sure thing, Bella," he replied. "Just hold on a second—I need to get a few things."

Carlisle ran away, so fast it seemed that he disappeared, and reappeared faster with gauze pads and disinfectant in his hands. "Put your hand up here," he said, indicating to the kitchen counter.

She obliged, and he poured some rubbing alcohol on Bella's hand. "Hehe," Bella said. "That tickles. No, wait! Ow! It stings! Get it off! Get it off!"

Carlisle chuckled. "Don't worry, the feeling will go away in a second."

"Hey, Carlisle, what made you want to be a doctor? You know, vampires usually want to suck blood with a bendy straw. But you like to keep it in people's body."

"Well, after working with blood so long," he said, "I've become immune to the smell."

"Really?" Bella asked.

"Yes," Carlisle replied.

"So you can't smell this?" Bella stuck her hand up to his nose and flung some blood up his nostrils."

Carlisle tensed. "No, not at all," he said, a growl escaping from deep in his throat.

"Oh, okay," Bella said. "Have you ever slipped with a patient in the hospital? she asked. "You know, not been able to resist the warm, salty, rich, delicious taste of blood?"

Carlisle sighed. "Once."

"Really?"

"Yep," he said. "That's why we have Edward here."

"Isn't he hot?" Bella asked. "You're hot, but not as hot as Edward."

"Well, yes, I've always found him kind of attractive," Carlisle said, licking his lips, while appearing to be in a daydream. He started rubbing himself below the waist. "He was just so beautiful as a human. He had such gorgeous hair. Beautiful eyes. He had Spanish influenza. He was so sweaty and feverish . . . so warm . . . so tempting. Blood poured from his nose and ears and splattered onto my face. You know, Spanish flu causes explosive diarrhea. Well, I watched as he pooed himself, ever so gracefully, and I had to bite him. I had to. Right on his luscious lips, that's where I did it. But I had to pull back so that I could keep him with me—forever. He's even more beautiful when he sparkles."

"I want that too! But Eddiekins says I can't be a vampire. He almost seems reluctant to want to be with me forever! I can't imagine why he wouldn't want to stare into my eyes for all eternity," Bella said. "But we need to take things one at a time. You know we haven't even had intercourse yet."

"Really?"

"Yeah. "Oh my god! I have an idea!"

"What?" Carlisle asked. "What is it?"

"We should have a threesome!"

Carlisle was silent, then mumbled under his breath, "Anything to be with Edward." He raised his voice. "That's a great idea."

"So, is my hand done?" Bella said, looking at her wrapped up hand.

"Oh, yes. Good to go."

"Thanks Carlie-warlie," she said, and got up

She looked all over the big room for Edward—even checking under the couch—but no one, except for Carlisle was there. She ran upstairs to check Edward's room. She saw a big bed in the middle of the room—she had plans for things to do on that bed—and lots of CDs on the walls on shelves. No Edward. She checked the whole upstairs but couldn't find him anywhere. She left the house, and found him sitting out on the front stoop.

"Eddiekins!"

Edward growled. "Don't call me that!"

"Sorry, Eddiekins."

"I need to tell you something," Edward said. "Come with me in the car. We're going to drive into the middle of the woods, because that's logically the best and safest place to talk to someone."

"Okay!" Bella said, and they got into the car. As they drove, she hung her head out the window. It bobbed around with the speed of the car. "Weeeeeee, this is fun!"

Once they were in the forest, Edward stopped the car. He took her to a nearby tree, and they sat down.

"So, whatcha wanna talk about, Eddiekins? Does it involve intercourse" she asked, trying to make her breasts look larger.

"I just wanted you to know that I'm so sorry about what Jasper did," he said.

"What'd he do?" Bella asked. "By the way, I love the present." She pulled Mr. Snuffles out of her pocket. He wriggled out of her hands and flew away. "NO! MR. SNUFFLES! COME BACK! COME BACK!"

"Bella, we're getting off topic," he said. "I just thought that this would be a good excuse for me to leave—I mean, I should leave. It's for your own good. I don't want you hurt."

"You can't leave! You're, like, the hottest guy in school."

"I have to leave, Bella," he said. "Anyway, I'm sure you can find someone. And if not, you can always try prostitution." Edward stood up. "Goodbye, Bella. Off to Canada." He climbed into his car and drove away.

Tears built up in her eyes. She dug a large hole and climbed into it. If she couldn't have Edward, she would bury herself. However, mid-way through the burial, she fell asleep.